Post # 1
I have an awesome relationship. We are both happy together and have been together for 3 years. We are both 24, have college degrees, and stable jobs. We live together and just rescued a dog together. Everything seems great, but last night I found out he has been lying to me for 3 years.
At the beginning of our relationship he told me he slept with 9 girls and had 3 other girlfriends before me. He also told me his longest relationship was 3 years (comparable to mine). He told me this highschool gf dated him then moved out of state and they broke up. Then they started talking again after she moved and started rekindling their relationship until one night on Halloween she took her little brother trick or treating and was hit and killed by a drunk driver (many elaborate details). Then a month later he admitted it was really only 3 other girls he slept with that he had been dating. Then a couple months later we were talking and he admitted he only dated his highschool gf for 1 year Then a few months later he admitted it was really like a few months and she was the only girl he slept with before me. I made him swear up and down that this was the truth and he did and his excuse for lying was that he felt embarrassed that I’ve been with more guys than him and had longer relationships and he didn’t want me to find it weird that he didn’t have all that. Then last time we talked about it he admitted that he had only slept with the highschool gf a dozen times or so.
This all brings me to last night… We were talking about things last night and it somehow got on the topic of how he dated her for 2 months and she was long distance.. so I asked how they could have had sex a dozen times when not even seeing each other. And he then admitted it was only 1 time and he didn’t even finish/couldn’t stay hard. Well I was of course really suspicious and started getting mad and telling him that I can’t stand his lies and I need him to tell the truth and if it comes out later that he’s lying again I’m going to be furious. Well he said he was telling the truth and then guess what he finally caved in and admitted to me that I was his first… So here’s the kicker…. Then I started asking if he even dated that girl and if she really died etc. And he was finally honest and admitted he didn’t date her… She was just a girl he knew in high school but she was killed by a drunk driver.
So I’m at a complete loss… I love him with all my heart and everything else about him is normal. He’s devoted and smart and loving and he doesn’t lie about other things. I am just floored by the fact that he is a liar and lied straight to my face and swore on my life. Please give me your input… I can’t think straight. He made up that his ex girlfriend died…. When he never even dated her. Help!!!! I am shocked and can’t even believe this is something he did. He’s very apologetic and ashamed and wants to make it up to me, but I am so bad at forgiving this kind of thing. What would you do?
This topic was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by katydaisy.
This topic was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by katydaisy.
Post # 2
katydaisy: How old is he!? At first I thought he was maybe lying about the sex because he was embarrassed about being inexperienced. That would be immature and lame, but it happens and would be forgivable. As I read more though, he just seems like a pathological liar. Lying about having an ex girlfriend that died is SICK (And very strange). I wonder what else he has made up. I would take all of these lies as a major red flag, and definitely re-evaluate your relationship.
Post # 3
I married a man who lied like that. Worst mistake I ever made. He lied about everything in the same fashion the entire 17 years we were together. Something about the elaborate story he wove out of thin air makes me think he’s a pro at it and your relationship will founded on a web of lies. One day you’ll unravel it alll to find you’ve been living in an alternate reality and you cant get out. My advice would be to cut your losses and move on. This guy sounds like a world of hurt.
Post # 4
That is completely crazy! I don’t even understand why he would keep lying over and over! I think that you two really need to go to counseling if you want to stay in this relationshjip so you can figure out the root of all these lies and how to keep it from happening again. It doesn’t seem like you asking him yourself isn’t enough to make him stop lying.
I’m not sure if I could be in this relationship though.
Post # 5
katydaisy: Obviously he felt he had a very inadequate dating history and sex life before he met you. Personally, I feel no need for adults to share either their dating or sexual history. I presume that there was a history before me and I have no need to know what that was.
Why was the subject coming up so often between the two of you?
Post # 6
Have him see a therapist and after a couple sessions go with him. He lied about his sexual past. Not about murder. But the fact that he did lie and so elaborately should be addressed.
Post # 7
julies1949: My thoughts exactly.I think he just felt embarrassed by his lack of experience.
Post # 8
Whoa, that’s a lot of lying! At first I was thinking that maybe he lied about his number of partners/girlfriends to try to “impress” you or something….but as I read further it just didn’t make sense. I was also wondering, as a PP mentioned, why are past sexual encounters/relationships such a common subject between you two? Sounds like there may be a little bit of insecurity on both sides. Counseling would be a good idea, and think very hard about moving forward with him – he has already proven how good he is at lying.
Post # 9
The most concerning thing to me is the elaborate backstory. I can understand being embarassed by the lack of experience; however, the fact the cover up was so woven is a huge red flag. It would be extremely difficult for me to see past that and continue on in this relationship.
Post # 10
For me, that’s just too much lying…
If he can continually lie about something so petty I wouldn’t be able to trust him in more important matters
Then again, you two are still quite young and inexperienced but it’s a huge character flaw IMO
Post # 11
Yeah…if you have such an awesome relationship as you claim you do then DROP IT. Drop talking about his and your sexual past and that weird ex girlfriend story. You can say something like “please don’t ever lie to me like that again. It fosters mistrust and makes me second guess you when you lie and keep lying about something.” Then if you ever catch him in a serious lie again that he’s sustained for a while you’ll know that the awesomeness of the relationship was a lie too and you’ll be able to move on. If he doesn’t then chalk it up to emotional immaturity and a bad case of trying to impress you with something that he probably never thought would come up again.
Post # 12
I thought the same thing at first–he was just embarassed. But, then it got so much worse.
Has he lied to you about anything else that you know of?
Post # 13
julies1949: I agree. I’m sort of shocked that anyone would even want these sorts of details about their partner’s sexual history in the first place.
DH and I know a whole lot about eachother. Do I want to know how many sexual partners he has had? No, thank you! So, my first point is that the things he lied about should have never even been a topic of conversation in the first place.
Since they were brought up, though, the biggest issue is that he is clearly a habitual liar. You know that. Even if he’d lied the first time and came clean soon after, he should have laid ALL of the cards on the table at that time. Yet he continued (and manipulated) the lie, one with very tragic details that were completely irrelevant to him being “embarrassed” about his sexual past. Does he often seek attention and/or sympathy? It sounds more like that than it does him being embarrassed, considering the very last detail of his elaborate story that he chose to even reveal the truth about was pertaining to this woman’s awful death. Has he lied about anything else that you are aware of?
If so, I would have a very difficult time trusting this man, as wonderful as he may be otherwise. He sounds like the type that will lie to save face no matter what, and his conscience comes secondary. He seems like a nice guy otherwise, but this sort of fabricating stories will likely continue.
Post # 14
I don’t understand how this convo keeps coming up. It’s like beating a dead horse or something. I think DH and I have talked a few times about our past, but not much about the gory details. Sure he lied but it’s not like he murdered someone or got some life long STD that he’s passed onto you. He was embarrased and sometimes a lie snowballs a little bit. That said maybe some counseling or helping you two communicate more.
Post # 15
katydaisy: he’s a liar who lies consistently? I’d dump him. Integrity matters to me.