Help navigating shower issue with FMIL

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
42549 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sweet5k:  I suggest you gracefully allow your FMIL to plan a shower for you. For the sake of future relations with her and FI’s family, it would be kind of you to go along with her plans. If it’s small, it won’t be as intimidating.

Showers are by definition a gift giving occasion so the people who attend have already indicated that they are fine with that aspect.

Why would you have to travel there on your own? Is there a reason that FI or maybe your Mom couldn’t go with you. It would be a great time for your Mom to get to know FMIL too.

Post # 5
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sweet5k:  If you generally feel ok about your relationship with your MIL or you want to get to know her better, you should accept the invite. Adopt the frame of mind that people like celebrating happy events like weddings and people like to give gifts, it makes them feel good. If you feel awkward: the shower doesn’t have to be about you necessarily, it’s about giving them the opportunity to do something that makes them feel good. 

I totally love the idea of having your mom come (provided you two get along). This would be something your FI could advocate for.

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like your FMIL has some pretty traditional ideas about how this “should” go down.I don’t think you or your FI can say much without risking offending her. It’s one afternoon of your life, and it’s lovely she cares enough to do this for you. I think you need to just suck it up.

Post # 8
Member
42549 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sweet5k:  I’m sure your FMILwould not be offended if you asked her if you could invite your Mom. Or, FI can busy himself elsewhere during the shower.

I would suggest that your MOH still invite the FMIL and FSIL. If I were the MOH, I would add a handwritten note to the invitation to the effect that I would understand if she was unable to attend as I had heard that she was planning to host a shower herself,  but didn’t want her to feel left out.

 

Post # 9
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sweet5k:  Its fine to for your MOH to invite them to the shower she’s hosting. It’s in invite, it’s the polite thing to do, it’s not a summons, they’re not obligated to come, and it’s not unusual for people to have multiple showers.

Post # 10
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it would be nice if she would change it to a jack-and-jill shower, then the guests will get a change to see your FI and to celebrate with both of you.  Also, I think you should just take the gifts and enjoy them.  This is your chance to collect nice things for the house that you probably wouldn’t buy for yourself.  If your FMIL changes the party to a jack-and-jill shower, you won’t have to sit there and open them with everyone watching you.  

Post # 11
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If you can stand it, I think you should do it for the sake of family harmony. I have a future in-law who wants to plan a second shower for me with the in-laws. I will barely know any of the attendees, and it will involve flying and staying 1 or 2 nights. It’s a lot, especially since I’m shy, but I’m trying to go with the flow to keep the in-laws happy.

Post # 12
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@sweet5k:  I definitely would allow your FMIL to host the other shower she is planning to have in your honor.  You do not need to feel awkward in any way, because you are not involved at all in hosting this event; she is.  As @julies1949: noted, people who choose to attend showers do so knowing that the events are gift-giving occasions.

ETA:  +1 to Julies1949’s comments in post #7, also.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
3878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs about just letting the shower happen, but I would suggest that any requests/suggestions go through FI as though they were his idea, since FMIL doesn’t want you to know the details re: “It should be a surprise.”

FI can suggest that your mom be invited as a courtesy and to make you more comfortable or that FMIL consider a Jack and Jill shower (all suggested out of concern for you, which as your FI, he can legitimately express). It might go more smoothly as opposed to you disrupting FMIL’s view of a “lady” by making requests for your own shower.

 

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