Post # 1
You ladies on the Wedding Bee board have always been wonderful and supportive of one another so I am going to ask for your advice here.
About a month ago my fiancé’s ex-girlfriend from high school contacted him through facebook. As a result, they exchanged numbers and started texting each other. He told me about this and I told him that even though I didn’t mind the original contact an ongoing conversation was inappropriate. I would not have minded the original contact a “Hi, How ya been” kinda thing…and done.
But they have been talking A LOT. When I got the phone bill a few days ago I saw how much. I again told him I felt it was inappropriate and he said I was being silly that there was nothing going on, she was married and lived in a completely different state…blah, blah, blah.
He came to me Wednesday night and told me after he thought about it, he came to the conclusion I was right and it was disrespectful to me to continue talking to her. He told me he would tell her it was nice to catch up with her but that it was not necessary to continue the contact.
Well Thursday morning I felt something wasn’t right and I checked his phone (I know, I know…bad move). But anyway, I saw a text from him to her that said “We have been infiltrated, my fiancé found all the texts and is upset. So let’s move this to email, she won’t be able to track that”.
My heart fell out of my chest! How could he do this to me after what he said Wednesday night? I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry and he screwed up. Now, I don’t trust him anymore and think maybe he has lied to me about other things? I am so heartbroken and I don’t know what to do? Our wedding is in 5 months, how can I marry someone I do not trust?
He and I have been together for 2 years and I never imagined he would ever do something like this to me! He has always been very respectful, a gentleman and a Christian.
I just don’t know what to do (and that not usually like me). Any advice you ladies have would be most appreciated!
Post # 3
Oh my goodness I am so sorry dear! That is aweful. I don’t think I would be able to trust him either…. it is what he said that makes it that much worse. I don’t think it would be as bad if it was just more talking but the fact that he outright told her that they need to make it more secret is totally wrong. I think maybe you two should talk to someone else about it (counselor or pastor or something) since he hasn’t respected what you have to say about it.
Post # 4
You can no longer trust him. He is having an emotional relationship with someone else and lying to you about it. This happened with my ex husband and an ex girlfriend and it was devestating…more devestating though was how long i pretended it would eventually work out. 🙁 sorry hugs
Post # 5
Wow. I don’t know what to say except that I’m really sorry. That’s just crappy on both their parts. I would have a really difficult time getting over something like that. He would need to prove himself trustworthy again in a big way for me to even speak to him.
Hang in there – praying for you both!
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My jaw dropped when I read that he said to move the conversation to e-mail! If you truly love him, picture your future together, and think that your relationship can be repaired I’d do what cyndistar3 said and go to some sort of counseling. It might help you reestablish trust. It won’t be easy though. You might want to consider postponing the wedding. Don’t go through with it if you don’t trust him! *hugs*
Post # 7
I’m on a plane flight to Cincinnati right now…I’m gonna open up a can of whoop-ass on him!
Just kidding, but I’d like to pretend I would! I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁
Post # 8
I am so sorry this is happening to you. The good thing is that you found out about it now. I agree with @cyndistar3:, counseling of some sort is in order. If it were me, I would also delay the wedding to make sure it will be something that you want to go forward with in the future. I am sorry, but I would not be able to trust him ever again after that, unless some serious improvements were made. I was married to a man like this. Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about it, until after we were married. He refused to stop and refused counseling, so I left and divorced him. There were other things that I found out later that were happening, so it wasn’t just this. I do hope you are able to work through this, but if he is doing this now, there is no telling what else he is doing or will do in the future. Not all relationships are the same, so there is still hope for your relationship, but if I were you, I would slow every thing down and make sure it is a relationship you can live with for the rest of your life.
Post # 9
I agree, too – with the councelling. And maybe you should suggest he get a phone without texting or change his number and email address. He needs to get away from any and all possibility of continuing his conversation with the ex..
Post # 10
I’m really, really sorry this happened to you. I’d definitely reach out to a pastor or counselor for YOU and hopefully for the two of you.
I have a firm no lying policy. You told him it bothered you and he continued. You busted him and he lied so he could continue. He is choosing to do something wrong and hurtful. Since he is hiding it and lying, he clearly knows it is wrong.
I know no one is the same and every circumstance is different. Unfortunately it sounds like you are dealing with someone who lies and has no regard for you or your relationship. Does he lie about other little unimportant things? Is this the first time?
I feel like that behavior is often reoccurring and not a one time thing.
Post # 11
Okay, so number one: I hate this for you, and am so sorry you have to deal with this.
Number two: The trust is broken. And has been broken NUMEROUS times. Do you want to feel like you always have to check his phone? Wonder whether he is telling you the truth when you ask a question? If he’s done it once, what’s to stop him from doing it again? Or taking it farther?
Number three: Even though he apologized, he is still defending his actions.
Number four: I’m not that far from Cincy, want me to kick his ass?
Post # 12
That would be a total deal breaker for me. He lied to your face that he was going to stop communicating with her, and then deliberately went behind your back, belittled you to her, and told her he wanted to continue communicating in a medium you can’t track. That’s well beyond the realm of him just thinking you’re over-reacting and ignoring your requests; he’s pretty much scheming now.
I am so sorry this is happening to you, but I would not stay in this relationship. For me personally, once the trust is gone, that’s it. And he is showing a complete lack of respect towards you. If you feel you want to go to counselling and give him a second chance, then do it, but definitely don’t marry him until you are 100% confident that history will not repeat itself.
Post # 13
@linguo42: I agree ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t even waste my time and money on counseling. I don’t think he is so disrespectful! You’re his FI but he’s not acknowledging you as one.
How can he say that to you?! I just feel like he doesn’t care about how you feel or take anything you say seriously.
I would never be able to go on with the wedding knowing the possibility of him treating me that way for the rest of my life.
But in the end, its up to you whether you think he’s worth it or not. No one knows about the relationship except for those who are in it.
Post # 15
UGH. Something fishy is definetly going on here. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. But this might be approaching emotional affair level here. He is texting another girl, then promises to you to stop, and then finds away to continue commincating with her behind your back?! Something is defiently up. Ask him to see all the texts/emails. If he won’t let you see them then something is definetly wrong.
Post # 16
Oh dear, so sorry this is happening to you 🙁 I was in the same boat with my ex-FI. We went to counseling, he said he would break all comms with his ex. Then I caught him with the phone bill (after he promised to quit!). I gave him the ultimatum – me or her. He said she was too important to him and he couldn’t cut her out. I had my answer and heartbreak. I continued counseling on my own, hired a moving van and got the hell out. Hardest thing I’ve ever been through and best thin I’ve ever done for myself. Good luck, I’ll keep you in my thoughts *hugs*