Post # 1
Uggghhh! We’ve been “best” friends for several years but the friendship is dying a slow and painful death. I don’t want to be a jerk. This “friend” gives me a bag or two of clothes at times, as I’ve been losing weight, I buy thrift clothes, but I try to find items that look good and fit me and my style. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, so I accept her clothes, but that are generally they are sometimes ripped, don’t fit me well, are generally not something that is flattering on me. Nearly all of the clothes she gives me, I either throw out, because they are so worn or are ripped. If they aren’t, and they are not my style or don’t fit me well, I drop off at a thrift store. Then she literally goes into my closet or my suitcase and takes out what she likes and decides she will keep that. Last time I went to visit her, she took my only good casual dressy shirt. The only one that I had that I could wear out. Other than that, I had stuff that was very casual wear around home teashirt/stuff. Out of the two bags of clothes that she “made” me try on. I have worn 2 items. One is a sweatshirt I have worn banging around at home which shows a lot of wear, fading, etc. and one pair of pants that fit me well and I like. She did give me a beautiful dress, but I don’t generally go anywhere that I would actually wear it. I met up with my DH, and we had to go back to her house after she left for work, (her son was still there) so I told my husband what happened. I showed him the shirt and he took it back for me. I am just not brave with this friend. She can be very pushy. Tonight she is trying to get in touch with me, regarding the shirt. I don’t want to say anything because I think she’ll be biatchy. I think that because she freely gives me generally crap she doesn’t want that she feels that she can keep or “borrow” any of my clothes that she wants. She wants to know if I know where the shirt “I gave her” is, because she wants to wear it on a cruise she didn’t even tell me she was going on. I absolutely did not give her the shirt. We are long past teenage years. This just blows my mind. This used to be a fun exchange, but she always takes or “borrows” my best clothes. I dont have a job, so I am a thrifty shopper. She has a very lucrative career.
Post # 2
creativeplannertobee: You are an adult. Tell her that while you appreciate her good intent, you do not have a use for the bags of clothes she gives you, nor will you be lending the clothes you do have any longer.
If you don’t care about the friendship anyway, stop letting her manipulate you.
Post # 4
creativeplannertobee: Wow. Her behaviour is unbelievable.
You need to be more assertive. Tell her it is your shirt and you never gave it to her.
In future either (a) call her out when she goes to your closet (“Excuse me, those are mine”), or probably better (b) don’t let her visit you in your house. And like julies1949: says, decline her offers of clothes.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
I’m inclined to agree. This situation is ridiculous, she should know better, but it won’t go away on it’s own. You’re going to have to speak up at some point. I would say something like, “I understand that you want to help me with your old clothes, and it’s great that we can share and be so generous with one another, but I find it really hard to dress for my body shape, and when you take my clothes I feel like it crosses some boundaries. I haven’t wanted to say anything because I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I really need that shirt as it is the only nice shirt I have, and you know I’m really not in a position to go and buy a replacement.” <br /><br />Acknowledge her feelings and then tell her exaclty how you feel.
Post # 6
Daffadowndilly: Thank you. That’s really helpful.
Post # 7
Post # 8
I get that you think you are a thrifty shopper but you have got to stop accepting this woman’s discarded hand-me-downs. It’s obvious that she thinks that by giving you her junk clothes, that somehow you are now indebted to her and owe her back for the crap she gave you.
If her clothes are falling apart and you only wear one or two items from the whole bunch, then this is NOT being a thrifty shopper. You are being a doormat and your own closet has become a free-for-all to her. If she takes your best and only nice shirt that you need, how is this helping you save money?? You’re going to eventually have to go out there and find/buy another nice shirt — which equals you spending more money plus additional money for transportation to get you to the store (or having to pay shipping costs if you buy online).
If you continue on the way you have and don’t do anything to change your situation, then you need to stop calling yourself a “thrifty shopper.” Because you’re not. The reality is, you’re totally being taken advantage of and left with LESS than you started with — and YOU are allowing that to happen to yourself even though you see it clearly.
If I were you, I’d immediately cut-off accepting anymore sh*tty hand-me-downs. If she tries to go through your closet, I would tell her she can’t take any of my clothes anymore since I’m thrifty and need what little I have. Then if she texts you stuff about her shirt, I’d completely ignore her and only talk about things that has nothing to do with clothes. But seriously, why are you even friends with her? She’s NOT your friend, and you need to realize you are a grown a$$ woman who is consciously allowing another female to use and abuse you.
Post # 9
creativeplannertobee: Hmm.. my guess is that it is a complete misunderstanding. I think you made the wrong move letting your DH get involved like that.. you should have had the guts yourself to talk to your friend honestly, and now it sounds like the situation has escalated unnecessarily. Additionally, she is calling you and you’re not answering. It’s possible she’s calling you just to hash it out and you could have ended it right there with some honesty, but instead you are giving her the cold shoulder because you are afraid to deal with it.
Granted, what she did was really rude (going through your closet and taking what she wanted without asking) but it sounds to me like there were lots of missed opportunitied to speak up.
I think you’re being cowardly about it and it’s made a small drama (caused by your friend) that could have been corrected quickly and easily through simple assertiveness on your part into a bad situation between you and your friend.
Post # 10
creativeplannertobee: Other posters have good points already. Definitely start refusing her cast offs. Maybe even now, before she hands you another bag.
I’ll just add that in the meantime if you’re going to meet up with her, maybe go OUT for coffee or some such if you can. Or go to her house. Anywhere that she can’t put her slippery hands near your closet!
I know it’s hard to put your foot down sometimes, but you can do this. You can! Try to be kind about it, of course, but make sure the message is clear. If she gets really angry or something about it, then that’s not fair. What you want (less exchanging and her to not take things from you) is completely reasonable. Hugs to you.
Post # 11
Look how much drama is being stirred up in an effort to avoid direct confrontation. You need to deal with this yourself, not sending DH to do it like you are a child. Sorry to be harsh, but you are making this much worse by refusing to deal with her directly.
Simply say ” gave you? Girl I didn’t give you that top, you took it, and it’s my best one. I need it!” Done.
Also stop taking her bags of clothes, just tell her you appreciate it but you’ve found they don’t work for you becUse your body types are different.
Post # 12
Fizzy8: Thank you. I will definitely tell her I am not interested in exchanging any more -before she wants to again. Previously she asked to borrow blouses that were too small for me, and when I lost weight I was looking forward to wearing them, but never got them back. Now she is just straight out taking them. This last time I was staying at her house for a visit for a couple of days while my DH was out of town. She took my shirt from my suitcase. I will try to use kind wording like Daffadowndilly: suggested. She does get ridiculously mad at somethings, that’s why I’ve been hesitant, and so I definitely wanted to choose words carefully. I think when we meet up again, it will have to be at the hot springs halfway between our houses, so she can’t take my clothes cause they will be the only ones I have with me. lol.