(Closed) Help; new bee, with a complicated situation.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
12885 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it really depends on what you feel.  No one can tell you when you’re ready to take on someone else’s children, or when you’ve healed from your past relationships.  I think with all these factors you have going on, you need more time to be in a relationship, and maybe even a long engagement so you can really work things out and make sure you’re comfortable with all of the factors before diving into a marriage.

Six months to engagement is really quick in even the best relationships (and I know some work out fantastically.  FI’s parents met and were married within 6 months, and just celebrated their 30th anniversary, so it does work) – but if you aren’t sure, you need to hold off. 

I think you should openly talk to him about your concerns.  Taking on 4 children of his, plus maybe having your own, is a lot for anyone to handle.  Plus with an ailing mother, the stress of school, and your past relationship being traumatizing, I think you really need to take it slow.  Planning a wedding will only make things harder, and it’ll stress you out even more. 

So, to answer your question, sure it’s okay to be engaged, if you feel ready.  If you don’t, then just tell him you want to marry him someday, but you aren’t ready yet.  You’re young, and it’s a ton of responsibility you’d be adding to your shoulders.  But no one can tell you when you’ll be ready, or what timeline you should be following…that’s all up to you and your Fiance.  Just don’t rush!  True love waits!

Post # 4
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can be engaged without a ring and without telling anyone. It sounds like you both want to get married, but like you said, don’t have the finances or time to plan a wedding. Why don’t you commit to each other, but wait until you can afford a ring (if that’s what you want) and a wedding you want to get married.

Also, you can have a long engagement if you want! 

Post # 5
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think he’s right that slowing down and taking another 6 months or something to get engaged would be good for you. But I’m also totally on your team that you seem mature enough etc that you are ready 🙂 good luck to you! 

Post # 6
305 posts
Helper bee

it depends.  are all of the children with one woman?  if not, how many mother’s are involved? 

Post # 7
3943 posts
Honey bee

I think it’s ok to want to be engaged, but I don’t see why either of you need to rush into this. You are both in love and commited, so what will change when you get engaged?

Post # 8
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

Is it okay to still want to be engaged, even though realistically we couldn’t afford a wedding for 2+ years?  Heck yeah its OK. The legnth o fyour engagement is up to you two. Some of us, mtself included, dont want an engagement that long, but who cares? If thats what you need, thats what you should do.

is it okay to plan my wedding details, so that when he does ask, I can be ready, and know what I want? I dont really understand why it wouldnt. As long as you are focused on the reltionship and impending marriage, planning the details of the wedding sounds great. Many women on the board do/ have done the exact same thing.

Do you think I’m too young to be taking on the ‘burden’ of four children  The fact that you ask that worries me…. do you think you are too young? How much personal time do you need with you SO? You need to figure this out for yourself and be positive you are doing the right thing for yourself, the children and your SO.

Also, where is the mom(s) of these children? Is there baby mama drama you’ll have to deal with? Thats something I personally couldnt deal with. Ive avoided dating some men for this very reason :-/ But things like this are so personal… you really need to figure out what you are comfortable with and need in your relationship.

Post # 9
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

I think it’s definitely okay to have a long engagement. I mean, some people may find it odd but it says to the world that you’re serious. My uncle has had his fiance for over five years (they are late 40s) because they wanted to wait until their kids were all out of high school but were sick of telling everyone they were “just” boyfriend-girlfriend when they felt much more committed than that.

Post # 10
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@roxymalone:  <—what she said.


i dont know how old you are but you really have to consider what you are taking on entirely here. before my Fiance, i dated a man with 2 kids by 2 different women, aside from the fact you have to co exist with two other women who can be cooperable or total nightmares, you have children with different personalities and needs you have to adapt to, it takes alot of patience to deal with someone elses children.

on top of that there is a financial crunch, as children are expensive. what you might want will be put as last priority, since the childrens needs come first. there were many times my ex and I couldnt do date nights or take a trip because he couldnt afford to. Even though he had a good job, half his check would go to his children and bills. so i would advise you to carefully consider everything you are taking on here, if this is the man you want to be with and you think you could handle it id opt for a long engagement and open up a savings account to save for the wedding in a couple years, for now just enjoy your relationship. youre still in the honeymoon phase of things.

Post # 11
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

The things you’re talking about will take time to get used to.  These are huge things, so I think you’re SO’s suggestion to take it slow’s a good idea.  You’ve also got a lot of personal stuff to get through right now, and it sounds like it would be best to sort through all that before engagement.  You asked if you’re too young; I have no idea how old you are, but I’m of the general opinion that it’s best to marry when your brain has fully matured, which is around 25.  I also think it’s a good idea to be together at least a year before engagement.  But these are the laws of abirdword, so they’re not going to apply to everyone.  


I think taking your time is an ESPECIALLY good idea because of the kids.  If he’s a good father, which I’m assuming he is, the kids will have priority over you in some situations.  Step parent dynamics can get complicated, and it’s important to have time to test those waters and see if you can handle that dynamic.  There’s also the issue of child support – finances are going to be greatly reduced because of that, and these are four kids.  There’s also the issue of how these children will feel about you and daddy, and what dealing w/the mom(s) will be like.  And if these kids have more than one mom, HELL YES take your time.


Post # 13
2414 posts
Buzzing bee



I think 21 is awfully young to be taking on everything that you have described. I think a long engagement is a great idea! You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you… take your time!


Post # 14
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

You are SO young!! What is the rush??? you guys need to be together much longer before you take the next step.   If he is the one, like you say he is, then why rush into anything??? Take your time. I think him already having 4 kids, with 3 different mom is a lot to take on….. and there is a big difference between in stages of life between a 21 year old and and 28.  Make sure you guys are in the same place in life and that this is really what you want, make sure you are not settiling b/c you are afriad nobody else will come along or because you want a wedding and a ring

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