Post # 1
My fiance came home from his bachelor party yesterday and his goal was to talk to our best man about the speech to make sure he was prepared to give a speech. Our best man is a good friend but is really lacking in being a good best man. He has to be told practically everything otherwise he will literally do nothing. Knowing him I was surprised by this I really thought going in that he would be a really good best man and really pull through for my fiance and me but he just hasn’t. He was super lazy planning the bachlor party until forced by other groomsmen to plan something. I think his idea was to make no firm plans and just “hit the bars” nothing special obviously.
At the bachlor party this weekend my fiance was supposed to approach him and somehow gently work the “so you know you have to give a speech, right?” into the conversation just so he knew about it and wasn’t caught off guard the day of. Instead, my fiance, bless his heart, asks the best man if he WANTS to give a speech/toast. Our best man tells him that he would strongly prefer not to give one. My fiance comes home and tell me that he said this. I was really upset about it because the best man always gives a toast. I don’t think Ive ever been to a wedding where the best man didn’t give a toast. Nobody wants to public speak. If you ask any normal person “Hey, want to give a speech in front of over 100 people” and normal person is going to say no. You do it as a favor to the bride and groom. I feel insulted that he doesn’t value us enough to even want to speak on our behalf on our big day. It makes me so sad. My fiance has vowed that he will fix this problem and he will talk to him about it. At this point it seems stupid to me though because he already said he didn’t want to do it so now if he does it it’s like we are forcing someone to toast us on our wedding day. I’m so disappointed in his selfishness. He probably has no idea how important it is or how selfish it is. I don’t even have to ask my maid of honor she just knows it’s part of her job on the big day. Just not sure what to do and feeling down, our wedding is only 2 weeks away and its just one curve-ball after another.
Post # 3
@Kayleebee: It’s ok! Don’t be upset, public speaking is just not everyone’s forte, seriously..I love it, but I’m an actor, so that’s why…if he doesn’t want to, that’s ok…you’ve got options. I’m Maid/Matron of Honor in my sister’s wedding and my hubby is best man, but he’s not a good public speaker, so I’ll be doing to speaking for us both. Your Dad can give a toast or another groomsmen, or, if he’s technically inclined, maybe he can make a slideshow or a movie or do something else to say something about how he feels about you two without living out an enormous fear….or maybe you open the floor to everyone and let whoever wants to say something do it….plus, I can’t really remember who said what at a wedding, not really, it’s just fun to be there, so whatever happens, it will be fine!
Post # 4
I would be upset too, however I’ve been to more than a few weddings where the Best Man really shouldn’t have tried to “wing it”, or made a 30 second speech or was so hammered they spoke about inappropriate things( I mean like ending the speech with “EFF YA it’s open bar DRINK YOUR FACE off). You may want to look at this as a blessing, maybe get another of the groomsmen to speak?
Post # 5
@Kayleebee: Ok, first of all relax. A speech from the best man isn’t a requirement and I honestly probably wouldn’t notice/care if there wasn’t one. Less talking=more dancing.
Second of all, a lot of people (myself included) have severe public speaking issues. I literally would not be able to give a speech in front of a room full of wedding guests. I would pee my pants and cry at the same time. Seriously. I can not do it. So saying that he is selfish is pretty harsh. His job isn’t to plan bachelor parties and deliver speeches-it’s to support you and your fiance and be there for you on the big day.
And lastly, if you really want someone to deliver a speech there are other people you can ask. Another groomsman, a parent..whoever.
And for what it’s worth, I have been to a wedding where the best man was forced to give a speech. They literally dragged him to the microphone and he basically said “umm…i’m john. congrats to the bride and groom..ya..”. It was SO awkward and they probably should have just left it out.
Post # 6
I’m not sure what to say about that. I feel like if someone has a debilitating fear of public speaking, it’s kinder to let them take a pass. Yes he should value your friendship but it goes the other way too, so I guess it depends on just how much he is afraid to do it. Or is he just being lazy.
I can’t remember whether I’ve been to a wedding where the best man didn’t give a speech (because if there was no best man speech I probably wouldn’t even have noticed), but I’ve been to a wedding where the best man was so nervous that he barely squeaked out two sentences, looked like he was going to pass out, and then quickly sat down, and several where the best man gave a long-winded, borderline inappropriate toast filled with personal recollections about the groom (and nothing about the bride, nor any meaningful well wishes for the marriage). Honestly…no toast is much better than a bad one. Particularly if you’re having a toast from the Maid/Matron of Honor and maybe one from the father of the bride, I think people won’t even notice.
Post # 7
Is he shy, suffer from anxiety/Aspergers, or just super awkward? If any of these is true, you really ought to lay off him. Besides, if any of these things is true, you probably won’t want him up there anyway, as he will look visibly uncomfortable and everyone will be paying more attention to that than to the content of his speech.
If none of these things is true for him, would it be possible for him to read a canned speech printed off from the internet? It would suck to have to go that route, but if you want him to give a speech, you can’t FORCE him to write his own (and as PP have mentioned, you may not even want him to!)
Post # 8
I don’t think he should have to if he really doesn’t want to. I’ve been to many weddings were Bridesmaid or Best Man makes a speech and many where they don’t. I wouldn’t care either way, but that’s just me.
Better for him to not give one at all then to give a bad/awkward one. My BIL’s brother gave a horrible, unprepared speech at their wedding. Everyone would have rathered he had given no speech at all.
Also, you said it’s a favor to you – isn’t the favor of being a wedding party member enough?
Post # 9
I’ve only been to one wedding where the speeches were actually during the reception. (My SO and I both agree that it’s better to have speeches at the rehersal dinner because everyone just wants to dance at the reception, but that’s neither here nor there, and I think it’s a very regional thing.) If he doesn’t want to make one, then I wouldn’t make him, and I guess I’m not seeing why it’s such a big deal that he does?
Post # 10
If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to. No “rules” are set in stone. You need to be a little bit more understanding and stop forcing the issue. You know in advance, just ask someone else instead. And if someone doesn’t give a speech, the world is not going to end and your wedding will not be ruined. Have some consideration for other people’s feelings. And contrary to what you beleive, not many people like getting up in front of a group and make a speech.
Why don’t YOU toast your groom, your family and all the people that came out to celebrate your day – that’s what I intend to do, and no one knows but me.
Post # 11
I definitely think it was appropriate for your Fiance to ask his bestman to give a speech and I think it is perfectly acceptable that he declined. As many previous posters mentioned there are many reasons he doesn’t want to do it. Ask someone else.
Post # 12
I would never force someone that has a major fear of public speaking to give a speech I am definitely not that selfish. Our best man is lazy and that’s really all this is. I’m fully aware people hate public speaking. I hate it, but I do it because I care about the person and that’s where I’m lost. I feel like it’s lazy of him to say he doesn’t want to do it and it makes us feel like we’re not worth toasting. I would never make someone do something that they don’t want to do but I am disappointed. At no point did I ever say I felt my wedding would be “ruined” or that I would force anyone to do anything that they did not want to do. In my mind it is part of the job, just like planning the bachlor party, renting a tux and holding the rings. It’s just part of the gig. We have another groomsman that would probably make a wonderful speech for us so maybe we will ask him. I definitely don’t want to come off as that I’m mad. I’m not mad just pretty much hurt feelings. I know when he goes to get married he would be hurt if at the reception no one wanted to stand up and say anything nice for the bride and groom to congratulate them.
Post # 13
I don’t think speeches from the bridal party are “required” and honestly they are normally painfully boring… especially if the person giving the speech isn’t a good public speaker. So I’d say who cares, your guests will probably be happy they will have one less speech to sit through while they are waiting to eat! If you really can’t live without speeches at your wedding ask your maid of honor, or your dad, or someone else to make one – you and your groom can even stand up and say something to thank your guests. But I can assure you that your guests won’t miss it.
Post # 14
Good grief. Give the guy a break and let someone else give the toast if it’s that important to you.
Post # 15
I think you need to take a step back and realize that some people are very, very uncomfortable with public speaking. Your fiance was right to ask if he wanted to make a toast – he doesn’t and shouldn’t have to do something he’s uncomfortable with. Have another groomsmen or a relative of your Fiance make a toast instead. This is not a big deal at all, and please don’t make the best man feel bad for not doing something that he fears/dreads/is uncomfortable with.
Post # 16
Our best man is terrified of public speaking, so rather than put him in an uncomfortable position we asked one of the groomsmen who that comes naturally to to give the speech. I am sure no one at the wedding will realy notice, and if they do I do not think its a big deal.
Is there someone else is the bridal party or maybe a sibiling that could give one?