Help! Our officiant said "NO" to our ceremony!

posted 3 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 2
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I would 100% find another officiant to marry you. FI and I are agnostic/atheists and there is no way we could connect with a wedding ceremony that was filled with religion. You don’t have to fight with her (and it would seem pointless to given how set she seems on changing what you have provided) – I would just let her know that you would be more comfortable with a secular ceremony and you don’t want to try and make her do anything that she would be uncomfortable with or that goes against beliefs. Hence you will find another officiant to conduct the ceremony but look forward to celebrating with her on the day as a guest :-).

Post # 3
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

lauraashley09:  I would find a polite way to tell her that you’re going to have someone else perform the ceremony. Just tell her that you’d like to keep things the way you had them and that you don’t want to make her uncomfortable, so you will find someone else to do it. 

Post # 4
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

lauraashley09:  I know you said that his aunt seemed pretty liberal and that her daughter got married “as a Wiccan,” but I read that as while her daughter was married as a Wiccan, she didn not perform the ceremony?  She may feel obligated to do a Christian ceremony due to being a pastor.  (Think of a Catholic priest asked to preside over a Jewish marriage ceremony.  It’s not that he doesn’t support the couple, it’s just that he’s bound by “rules.”)  There’s nothing wrong with that.  And there’s nothing wrong with finding someone else who covers all your needs. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

lauraashley09:  I agree with Apple_Blossom:  it’s not that she doesn’t respect your relationship or anything but she is a Christian pastor and in the same way you wouldn’t want to perform a chrisitan ceremony she might be uncomfortable doing vise versa. Not to discriminate or anything but it does go against what she believes in and to avoid conflict I would suggest that you find another officiant and your anut can be a happy guest at your wedding. I am getting married in a Presbytarian Cathedral and I happen to be Pentecoastal Christian, as much as both are christian denominations I have to respect Presbytarian rules that Pentecoastal Christians may not be accustomed to. 

Post # 6
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would kindly tell her that you and fi are attached to the ceremony you wrote and that you respect her views, and don’t want to make her uncomfortable so you will find another officiant. the ceremony is not something to compromise on, especially not if you’re being pushed into territory you’re uncomfortable with. 

Post # 7
Member
8518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

 

lauraashley09:  Wow. =/

I understand wanting to keep it in the family, but I’d find a different officiant. The ceremony is a very personal thing, I couldn’t imagine being told that the one me and my FI had written was basically tossed out.

Post # 8
Member
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I’m an atheist and I wanted a 100% secular wedding. Anything else would so go against what I stand for, and I’d feel like I was having religion shoved down my throat. That’s the last thing I wanted in our wedding ceremony. I wanted it to be completely “us” and personal.

I hired a LifeCycle Celebrant in my area. She was amazing. She wrote a completely custom ceremony for us that just fit our style so well and was a true reflection of our relationship. It was worth every bit of time, effort, and money.

Do not compromise on this at all. It doesn’t sound like the aunt is going to be a good match for you two, so you need to find another person to officiate. You won’t regret it, I promise. Even if you had one of your friends get ordained online, that would be cool!

Post # 9
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Yeah, I’m afraid you will have to find another officiant. It’s not that your aunt doesn’t respect you and your beliefs, it’s just that, as PP said, she is bound by “the rules” due to her own religious beliefs.

In a way, it’s to be expected… you wouldn’t expect an Imam to perform a Hindu ceremony, so in the same vein then a pastor probably wouldn’t perform a secular one.

If you choose to include a Bible reading in your ceremony, why not get the Aunt to read that, instead, so she can still be involved?

Post # 10
Member
3711 posts
Sugar bee

Finding an officiant was possibly our most frustrating part. The MOB has been helping out with the planning and she called, e-mailed and interviewed a dozen officiants. Two left an especially bad impression on her – one of which was recommended by the venue.  We finally found one who accepted the ceremony we spent hours working on; it was adapted from one from my religion, that my FH sounded a lot like his (we’re both Protestant). One said she wouldn’t use a service writen by someone else; wanted us to use something she already put together, or cut and pasted her words, from various services. Another said they don’t accept any services from “3rd parties,” i.e. my church. We found an officiant that was half the price, who didn’t insist on spending hours writing a personal/unique ceremony, and charged us hundreds, for the priviledge to do it. It took months to find our officant. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Definitely definitely find another officiant. If you love your ceremony bring it to them and ask them if they would be comfortable with it.

Post # 12
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Get a different officiant. And have your fiance “man up” and “fire” his aunt. WTH it’s his wedding ceremony too, why the heck is he just letting it slide? Does he not want a meaningful ceremony too?

Post # 13
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Windstar on Naples bay

You know most people like using friends and family to help with their weddings but I found the opposite to be true. No one was obligated to do things they may not have wanted to do and my big day did not hinge on them. Sure it was more expensive but I got purely professionals who didn’t slack off because I’m a friend/family and would “understand” if they were late or something. Find someone new. I’m sure both parties will be relieved in the end. 

Post # 14
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

I think you need to find another officiant, it’s your wedding, you need to be happy with it! I would have hated having a bunch if religion garbage in our ceremony too. 

Post # 15
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

lauraashley09:  I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, I can’t imagine how stressful it must be!  I would politely tell her that you really had your heart set on being married in a specific kind of ceremony, and that you totally respect her choice not to conduct that kind of ceremony, so you’ve decided to go with someone else.

Have someone else in your family or group of friends get legally ordained online (assuming this is ok where you live!) and do the ceremony you wrote!  If that’s not going to fly in your state/area, go to the courthouse and inquire about getting a justice of the peace to conduct it for you.

Good luck!

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