Post # 1
I got married last July 20, almost at my 1 year. I was transfered to a new project in October and have become a key player here and made friends with the people on my team. One of them has always been really nice. He did normal things like offered to buy me a coffee for helping him with something he was stuck on, or other harmless items.
I talk about all nature of things and once mentioned that I was left a threatening letter on my car for parking on the street that the homeowners nearby would damage it if I continued to park there and I mentioned that I was a little cheesed about it. The next week my coworker said he spoke to the manager of the parking in our building and got me and parking pass. I was estatic and thanked him and I do remember giving him a hug of appreciation.
I think that may have been an aweful idea. Since then we were still close for work and I found out he lives on my way to work so I thought, “why not carpool?” we did that yesterday and today. This morning he says he wants to talk to me and said that he wants to buy my husband and I our original dream honeymoon of going to Japan. I told him no that I couldn’t accept that and just no. (its a minimum of $10,000 and I only know this guy through work and since October) but he kept telling me to think about it and that it would make him happy to give it to me and see me happy.
My husband thinks since I offered to carpool that its my fault for encouraging him.
I spoke with my sister and she said to stop carpooling, just cite that I have a new part time job that has too many hours and I need to be able to fit in visiting her, doing errands etc before I start the other job and its just too much. I think its a good idea just worried how he will take it. And then I still see him 3-4 days a week at work (I work from home 1 day).
ALSO I’ve looked it up and I’m pretty sure that he’s PAYING for the parking spot that he got me. I need to put a stop to this asap 🙁
I had no idea where else to post this question and hoping someone can help give me some advice and I needed to get this out.
Post # 2
Yeah, that seems over the line. But I wouldn’t be angry with him. But I would try to pull back a bit. First, you were absolutely right to turn down the trip. That’s way too much. If he keeps bringing it up you may have to be unpleasantly firm and tell him that you just can’t accept such a large gift form a co-worker.
The parking spot is trickier since it sounds like you originally thought it was a free spot and are just now figuring out that he’s paying for it. I would just be honest and say that you didn’t realize he was paying for it and now that you’ve figured it out and want to pay for it yourself.
See how that goes and then make a decision about carpooling
Post # 3
Elky: HOLY. SH!T.
*sigh* I used to be in a similar situation. I befriended a loner at work because we had similar music tastes. The next thing you know he was looking up places to go on vacation with me, FI, and his gf. Um…(!??!!)
I would always come back from lunch or somehwere to an “offering” at my desk. Like if I mentioned I liked lemon cake, I’d come in to an Entemann’s lemon loaf on my chair. I lost my sh!t when he would immediately comment on things that happened on my facebook. For instance, he’d say out of nowhere, “How was the movie?” What movie you ask? The movie my friend tagged me in at the theatre. He’d ask me about my friends and comment on pictures of them…I snapped. He’s stand if my office while I was on a personal phone call and comment on it later…I mean…
I did a total 180 and just got very rude and cold to him. It was the only thing that worked. Blocked, deleted, changed my name on all social medias. I even changed my passwords at work b/c someone said he was sitting at my desktop looking for a “file”. GET THE FUCK OUT.
People like that don’t seem to “get the hint”, so you have to be drastic in your actions. That’s why I needed to flip the switch on my stalker. Good luck!!
Post # 4
Some people use gifts as a way of ingratiating themselves beause they lack other skills or because they perceive themselves to be more desireable as a friend by doing so.
I think you’ve figured this out for yourself already and I agree with your plan to lessen contact.
Post # 5
That is hella creepy. You need to
Post # 6
BurlapnLace: Yeah I didn’t mention all the contact… he’s done the offerings (leaving coffee, muffins etc) and he did look up my facebook and then come into work and tell me all about my life and how that information is out there… I’ve since locked my profile to the public and I think I may need to delete him…
But I can’t do the 180 mean thing since he is the really nice guy around the office and everyone likes him….
julies1949: Yeah I was thinking that maybe he just didn’t know it was creepy? I don’t want to be mean since.. well see above heh. But yeah maybe I just needed that reafirmation from others to do the less contact.
sara_tiara: Thats a funny gif 🙂
Post # 7
JenGirl: And thank you regarding the parking — I think I need to not carpool from the start though, maybe see my followup post above, I didn’t wanna mention everything he’s done…
Post # 8
I think you need to sit him down and be honest with him. It sounds like he might just be a really lonely person with too much time and too much money on his hands, and while he may creep you out a bit (rightfully so), he’s also a prime target for a scammer or other dishonest person who would love to take him up on that offer of a trip to Japan. Say something like “Hey Bill, I think it’s great that we are getting to know each other, and I enjoy working with you, but I’m feeling very uncomfortable with the generosity of the gifts you want to give. It’s a sweet thought but it makes me feel like a mooch, and I’m also worried that if you are being equally generous to other folks, someone is going to take advantage of you. Let’s set some limits on gift giving.” And hopefully once the conversation is started, it’ll lead to general boundary-setting.
I knew a guy like this a few years back. Really nice guy but socially awkward as hell, and he had a fair bit of money, and I guess he figured that by spoiling his friends, they’d want to still be his friends. He rented a beach house in the Caribbean and flew about 10 people down there, mostly regulars from the bar where we worked together, and they were happy to spend his money and stay in his house, but they talked behind his back constantly, before the trip and after it too. Money doesn’t buy loyalty or friendship but if you’re socially inept you might have a hard time understanding that concept— I mean, who wouldn’t want a rich friend who wanted to give you free vacations?
But I think it is better for everyone if you try to remain friends with the guy, only with more reasonable boundaries and limits, and try to show him how generous gifts don’t instantly create friends.
Post # 9
Elky: I understand that and felt the same way in the beginning, but it was the only choice. I did the gradual thing for a while but found it wasn’t working. Maybe in your case, it will. For your sake and your working relationships, I hope that’s that works!
Oh wait, here’s a couple good ones…I was in my office alone rehearsing for an audition I had. Singing. He kept lingering and just…like…staring at me so I got really annoyed and picked up my stuff and went out to my car for some privacy. I’m doing my thing and hear a knock on my window. It was him, in the rain, with an umbrella. Followed me to my damn car with an umbrella when it was HIM I was trying to get rid of in the first place!!!!
When FI and I were going on vacation (where he proposed, actually!), I was casually conversing with my boss about who was going to take care of our kitten while we were away. He (as always) was lingering around listening and said, “I could do it for you, just leave me a key.” HELL. FUCK. NO. My coworker said, “You’d come home to him dancing around your apartment with your underware on his head”!!!!!!!!!!