Post # 1
I’ve looked up etiquette A LOT before sending out my invitations because my fiance and I decided not to invite small children to our wedding. We followed etiquetted by addressing the invitations to those who were invited and didn’t mention anything about having no children. We basically trusted peoples’ judgement and it has worked in the most part – all my friends who have small children will not be bringing them.
That is, all except one family. They’re family friends of ours and in the RSVP she added the names of both children as attending. She has 2 daughters – one of them is 8 and the other is 1. I didn’t have an issue with the eldest daughter coming but I didn’t want to invite one and not the other which is why we decided not to include them in the invitation addressing.
Now the issue is, since most people did not assume their kids were invited, I’m worried of what the perception will be when the little one will be there.
Should I call her and explain the situation? I want to tell her with class and tact so do you ladies have any suggestions as to how to bring it up? I don’t want to be like “You can bring one but not the other”… UGH! Help me bees!
Post # 3
Call and explain. Sometimes you have to be direct.
While brides research wedding etiquette so we know what do to and not to do.. the guests are not. At least half of them know next to nothing about wedding etiquette…. even if they’ve been married because things change over the time.
Post # 4
I don’t know – you might run into a problem. If the other child was 13 or older it might be ok. It’s usually just kids or no kids. You’re going to run into an issue if you say an 8 year old can but a 1 year old can’t. It might get kind of tricky.
I would just say no kids and leave it at that.
Post # 5
@mousepeach: Yeah maybe, I was thinking that we didn’t invite any children under the age of 10… I just want to deliver the message as nicely as possible. LOL
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
You need to take an all or none stance. Don’t say one child can come and not the other (especially if it’s the 1 year that can’t come because if mom is still breastfeeding she is going to want the 1 year nearby.)
Keep calm and give the guest a call. Do not email or text this conversation. Have it in person or over the phone. Let her know that you are sorry but you and your FI decided not to invite children to your wedding because you wanted the adults to enjoy the evening out and cut loose a bit. You would love it if she and her partner can make it but you understand if chooses not to attend because she cannot bring her children with her. (Put the ball in her court.) If she starts getting huffy or angry, just repeat “I’m sorry you feel that way but we don’t want children at our wedding.” Then end the call by telling her “We would love to have you and your partner at our wedding, let me know if you still plan to attend. Bye-bye.”
Post # 7
This is why our wedding invitations will say “Adult Reception Only”. We’re even preferring 21+ because of the open bar.
Call her and apologize for the misunderstanding, but “our wedding reception is an adult event and we’re so very sorry that we can’t see the kids at this time.”
Post # 8
Did you write “adults only” anywhere on your invites?
Because honestly, if I had young children and I was close friends with the bride&groom, with no obvious “no kids allowed” on the invite, I would think that my kids were permitted to come.
I mean, personally I’d call up and ask.
But the thing is, when I was a kid and went to weddings, my name wasn’t on the invite (calligraphy is expensive!) – these are big, Italian weddings I’m talking about, with tons of kids. The children were just expected to tag along (and behave!) :/
You are going to have to call and explain that it’s an adults only reception, and that you’re excited to see them there. Be polite but straightforward. It’ll be fine!
Post # 9
@musician32992: Call her and apologize for the misunderstanding, but “our wedding reception is an adult event and we’re so very sorry that we can’t see the kids at this time.”
Post # 10
@DeeVine1217: I swear to god I’m willing to lose friends over this issue. I simply do not understand what rock these people crawl out from under that think it’s ok to a)call and ask to bring someone who wasnt invited b)just add kids to the invite. But I digress…
I’ll piggyback on what the others have said: just be honest. “I saw you added your kiddos on, and as much as we enjoy seeing them, we are keeping this even adults only. I hope you can still attend, but understand if you cannot.”
If someone should be so stupid and rude as to press me further past my polite and non-insulting response, if it were me, I’d take that as a opening to get *real* honest with them: “I don’t care for children at my events, yours are no exception.”
Post # 11
@CakeyP: You’re right, I can’t assume that they understood that they weren’t invited so I will give them a call.
Now I’m faced with the whole no small children issue.. although I can leave it up to her to decide if she would like to brind the eldest I guess.
Post # 12
@DeeVine1217: I would just say no children and leave it at that. Are you close enough to the 8 year old to justify why she is the only child allowed at your wedding? You could be in an awkward position if you have, say, a family member who was not allowed to bring their children.
ETA: just re-read your post…I thought you wanted no children, not just no small children. What is the age limit you set originally?
Post # 13
What was the age limit that you set? Usually it’s adults only or 16+ or 13+ which would mean neither child would be invited. I know a lot of 8 year olds that are way louder and busy than a one year old.
Post # 14
@CakeyP: If you’re following good ol’ Emily Post–it’s improper to write “Adults Only” or anything along those lines. The correct thing to do is address the outer envelope to the parents and on the inner envelope, write the parents’ names and childrens’ names (if they’re invited). People are supposed to take the hint from the names present (or not present) on the invite. No one should ever assume anything regarding wedding invitations…if you’re name’s not on the invite (even if you’re 2), you’re not invited.
When in doubt, call the host for clarification, but don’t expect children, SO’s, etc to be invited…
Post # 15
There will be children at the wedding, as stated above, I did not include small children on the invites. The youngest (other than the 8 year old) is 10. I may have made the situation more difficult for myself. lol
Post # 16
I would call and apologize for any misunderstanding or miscommunication. Not that there was any, you are just being polite. Then I’d say that even though there are no young children invited, but you are happy to investigate local sitters. If she protests, I’d say that it wouldn’t be fair to all the other cousins, friends and family members who weren’t invited with young children if you made this exception for her. If this person is very important to you, and is otherwise unable to attend, I see if I could organize child care.