Post # 1
So I am about 9 months away from my wedding. I have my venue and dress picked out, and the plan is for the wedding to be formal. My family understands how formal attire works, so it’s no issue with them. However, my fiance and the rest of his family are on the more country/western side, and apparently my FIL intends on wearing jeans to the wedding. My fiance is ok with this, and seems to think I’m trying to “change” his family because I would like them to dress for the occasion. I’m not saying they have to all wear tuxedos, but is it so wrong to ask them to wear a nice pair of dress slacks?? I’ve read other posts saying that jeans would be ok IF we were having a western wedding and it is more on the casual side, but we are not! We are getting married near San Francisco and the venue is a really nice place. I am trying not to get upset about this, but it’s getting a little difficult as my parents and I are spending a lot of money for this wedding and I would like it to be formal, and my future in-laws keep insisting that it is ok to wear jeans to the wedding. How do I relay to them in a non-bridezilla way that this is not appropriate??
Post # 3
@oliveyou21: That’s most definitely NOT ok. Especially for a semi-formal to formal wedding!!! Never wear jeans unless requested by the Bride and Groom.
Post # 4
No, it is not ok for them to wear jeans to a formal wedding. I used to live in cowboy country and those cowboys were raised with manners because they dressed up for formal weddings.
Post # 5
I think it’s completely reasonable to request that they wear a nice pair of trousers considering the event and venue. Besides, in my opinion, every man should own at least one pair of nice slacks for special occassions.
Post # 6
I would bring it up with them and maybe casually suggest that you don’t care what color dress you FMIL wears! Have you discussed the details of the venue with them? I would let them know what type of place you’ll be having it – what if they don’t know and have never been to a fancy wedding?!? Maybe talk to his parents about what the groomsmen, bridesmaids and your parents will be wearing. Bring up that you don’t want it to be black tie optional but semi formal and nice.
With 9 months to go I would think they have plenty of time to decide what they’ll actually wear!
Post # 7
Oops sorry if I got the lingo wrong, it’s the dad who wants to wear jeans. His mother will wear a dress or something of the sort. my fiance’s family lives in another state and we don’t communicate often enough, so when I was visiting last weekend I started relaying some of the plans to them. They know what the venue looks like, what my dress looks like, etc.
My fiance keeps insisting that they are “dress jeans” but to me, jeans are jeans! Does that make sense? :/
Post # 8
Honestly, I think the best you can do is suggest that they might bemore comfortable in dress pants and then leave it at that. If someone’s going to be embarassed it will be them, not you.
Yes, it’s your wedding and yes, your family is paying, but there are some lines better left uncrossed and the “telling other people what what to wear” line is one of them – crucifying though it is.
It sounds as though your relationship with them isn’t particularly close right now, which is fine, but it would be a shame if one of your most extended interactions was laced with bad feelings.
Out of curiosity, what state do they live in?
Post # 10
@oliveyou21: My ILs are from Wyoming, so I feel your pain.
Before getting married I never knew there were so many interesting and varied subtypes of denim pants for men. It makes very little sense to me, but I go with it.
You might inquire what he means by “dress jeans.” If what he’s talking about are fresh-pressed and a dark wash, the results may not be as offensive as you fear. Still not ideal, but they bear more than a passing resemblance to dress slacks.
What I mean is, jeans may be jeans to you, but if there’s a compromise you can live with (ie: he’s not talking about anything with rips or holes and intends to wear a tie and a jacket), this may not be the hill onwhich you want to die.
Post # 11
I would stipulate a form of attire on your reception card–for example, state that is semi-formal or formal. Most people shouldn’t mistake jeans being okay for that. Ultimately, people are going to do what they want to do though, so be prepared for that.
Post # 12
Ugh, I would be annoyed too! Your problem is partly the reason my fiance’ and I opted for a casual backyard wedding. Because wearing a leather jacket with jeans is not equivalent to a suit and tie.
My suggestion is to make nice with your FMIL. Afterall, she is probably the one who is most excited about getting dressed up. Show her pictures of the venue, give her ideas of the formality of the event, and attires that you expect guests to wear. You can make her part of the wedding by recruiting her to be the attire security. She may or may not have the ability to convince your FFIL about switching from jeans to dress pants, but I am sure she can convince guests of your FI’s side to do so.
In any case, if your FFIL sticks with wearing jeans, it will be him getting the dirty looks, not you. But I can opine that he probably doesn’t care. At that point, neither should you.
Post # 13
Yeah, they live far enough away to where we just don’t communicate very often. Especially in the winter, because it’s hard to travel with all the snow, and they live 2 hrs away from the nearest airport. Kinda out in the middle of nowwhere….
I’ll have to ask my fiance about the jeans. He told me to google a “cowboy tuxedo” but every one that I saw looked like slacks, not denim. I wouldn’t even mind if his dad wore a cowboy hat! A lot of my family is from the Philippines so there will be a few barongs in the mix too lol.
I suppose that if this is the only “big” issue with my in-laws then I’m lucky. I really do like his family.
Post # 14
@oliveyou21: I agree with teaandtoast. You can politely suggest that your FFIL wear slacks, but ultimately he’ll wear what he wants. I was a little surprised by the outfit my MIL wore to our wedding, a very frumpy old dress from the back of her closet, but she was the one who felt underdressed compared to my mother and the rest of the guests.
Post # 15
@oliveyou21: Yeah, I think your FI is using the wrong term… A cowboy tuxedo or western tuxedo is a full on tux, just in a Western cut. Pants are slimmer, lapels are wider, etc. This is what my husband’s grandfather wore to marry us.
If you think it might help, you could send your ILs this link. http://www.culturedcowboy.com/wedding/menswear/wtuxedoes.htm
Post # 16
Thanks!! I’ll definitely show him that. That is what I pictured in my head anyways, sans jeans.
We are also going to a wedding this weekend at a fancy restaurant, and I nearly had to fight tooth and nail for my fiance to wear his class A’s (he’s in the Army) instead of jeans and a button down. Maybe being at this wedding with all the people dressed up looking nice will make him more comfortable with formal attire.