- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2006
I wish that I knew how to tag a post I already have written it might save some confusion but I am again needing some advice. And for those of you that don’t have time to read please just skip because this is LOOOONNNNGGGGG!
So as some might remember be and DH have been having some issues, I left and went and have been staying with my mom and dad and he has stayed at our house. It has been a month and we have been going to therapy twice a week alone and once a week together to try and figure out if our marriage is repairable. Well he isn’t a huge talker so no surprise that when we go together its mostly me and the DR talking, DH never seems to be pissy just quiet, absorbing all the info he is hearing. Well we haven’t really told his family and in fact the only ones besides us who know are my parents for obvious reasons! We always do game night at my house with his family 1-2 a month just board games and lots of food. Well I skipped the first one because we were still kinda at each other throat still but the second one was last sat night so I went to the house early and set up! Ok so anyways we had fun; me and him kinda stayed away from each other, talked laughed and all around just let it go for the night. So the night ended up going into the wee hours of the morning so he said he wouldn’t mind if I stayed (no sex or interaction in that manner) I slept in my bed and he took the guest room. Went to work the next am and haven’t really seen him or talked to him since, we did have therapy again Tuesday but like I said he doesn’t talk much. Ok, so to present day, I was sleeping last night and at some point during the night I felt my cheek being touched and just warm, I am not going to lie I cuddled up to it but didn’t give it much thought. I woke up this morning and thought “that was a weird dream” but got up did my morning ritual and started my day. Got out of the shower and went to get dressed and noticed a letter on my dresser.” Huh” soooo here is what it said please excuse the length!
My Wife: I don’t know how to start and have already scrapped this 3 times. I keep thinking to myself why am I even writing this letter, well the conclusion that I have came to is this, my pride will not let me say these things in person because I am kinda freaked at your reaction. Writing is easier, kinda a cowards way out, so seeing as how it’s easier that’s what’s to be done.
I miss you! I don’t really know when it hit me or why it’s taken me so long to figure it out but that’s pretty much it. I have really taken time to look at you over the last month, to really just watch you and try to figure out who you are, and I am ashamed that I don’t seem some of these things on a daily basis. I watched you on game night, I watched how you took care of my dad, and I watched how you laughed at my brother’s stupid jokes even though you have heard them 15 times. I know you always demand the best out of yourself and how you are so competitive but you always let Aunt Tawny win and you just smile when you see how happy it makes her. The first time you missed game night I was happy that I wouldn’t have to deal with it, but then all everyone talked about was you not being there. I was upset. I laid in bed that night thinking about what made that game night different then others, and then at about 4am I woke up realizing what was missing, it was your laugh, have you ever noticed that when you laugh the whole room just stops and everyone looks at you? As soon as you laugh everyone’s face is happy! How has it taken me so long to realize how much I love that laugh? Because I am a joke!
I went to dad’s the other day and he was telling me about how you stopped by his house when he was sick and brought him tea and soup nearly every day: its 25 minutes out of your way yet you still did it! Mike mentioned that you were making Amy’s dress for the dance, and sadly at first all I thought was how you were trying to get them on your side. That was until dad said you have stopped by twice a week for the last 6 months. How did I not notice this? Maybe because I have been too wrapped up in my own selfish pity to realize who you are!
Let me just say, I hate myself for who I have been to you. I hate the things I said and I hate the look in your eye when I say them, I hate that I have made the only person that has ever been there for me question if this is where she wants to stay! I have this saying that keeps popping into my head “Love that women” hell I don’t know where that came from, I may have heard it on TV, at therapy or just someone saying it in general passing, but I know it stuck! Every time I think about you it comes up “love that women” and I realize I haven’t been doing that! I have been treating you like I don’t, and that makes me want to crawl in a dark hole and never come out! I am a fucking rat! And I will be the first to say it …. I don’t deserve you! I never have! I don’t know what makes a women like you want a man like me, all my emotional issues all the anger and rage!
I am not going to try and win you back with some big gesture! I don’t want it that way, I want you to come home right now I want to shove all this under the rug like it never happened but I will not let it be that easy! I have to change and I know that, I want you to come home because you see a better man, because I will be a better man! I don’t want to lose you but after how I have treated you I can’t stand the thought of you being with someone like me! Nobody should ever want to destroy the light in your eyes and it makes me sick that is what I have been doing! Please don’t come home yet, I tend to make to many excuses for myself and I am scared that it what I will do if you forgive me right now. I have no excuse! I am so sorry but I don’t want that to be all you needed to hear! I have to change for you and our kids and for me!
I do love you! I hope at some level you always knew that! I promise to from now on “love that women” in a way that you deserve!
Ok: that is the end of the letter! All I can say is OMG!!! Please help me make sense out of this! I am so confused!