Post # 1
Hi ladies! I’ll try to keep this brief, looking for help with an awkward situation. We’re having a destination wedding abroad. One of my good friends, also living abroad (elsewhere), was invited with a plus-one. He informally RSVP’d several months ago, saying that he was coming and since he lives far from home, his mother and sister were going to vacation at our destination to see him. Awesome! I’m really glad they could work that out. I told him that since they were travelling so far, he was welcome to bring both members of his family as a “plus-two”. Fast forward to yesterday, we’re a couple of days past our RSVP deadline and I e-mail him for final numbers. We’re more or less hosting a wedding weekend, with a pub night on Friday, city bus tour on Saturday, and wedding ceremony and reception on Sunday. He writes back: “Let’s say 2 for pub night 1 for wedding and 3 for bus tour.” What? I feel really weird about the prospect of hosting people at our private events who are not coming to the wedding. The pub night is one thing, it’s just an informal meet-and-greet, but renting a private tour bus is pretty expensive, and certainly something they’d pay for themselves if it weren’t for the wedding invitation. So, first of all, am I in the wrong thinking this is weird and kind of rude? Am I obligated to host them? They were technically invited to all three events, but with the understanding (at least from our side) that they were first and foremost invited to the wedding, and the other days were just extra events if they cared to join us. Secondly, how do I handle this without sounding like a jerk? It seems equally weird to say “they can’t come on the bus unless they come to the wedding”, but that’s pretty much the gist! Aargh, thanks for your help!
Post # 2
Update: My fiance suggested that my friend may simply not have understood what was going on and thought he was doing us a favor by having his family skip the wedding, so I sent him the following message: “Hey, thanks for getting back to me. Can I ask why your family won’t be at the wedding? I hope your mom and sister don’t feel like I don’t want them there, I’d really love to have them, especially if they’d like to be involved in the other wedding festivities that weekend with the other guests. It’s no trouble on our end!”
He responded with “I’ll double check with them, but I think they made plans to go out that night. I’ll get back to you asap”
So…definitely not getting it. Honestly, this just seems even weirder to me. If he continues to decline the wedding invitation for his mother and sister, how do I procede?!
Post # 3
kgba: Yeah this does seem super weird to me. Almost as if they’re using you to pay for part of their vacation. They should absolutely make the wedding the priority and plan anything else they’d like to do during the other events. Or they should attend none. I’m not sure what else you can do or if it’s even worth it, but I’m commenting to bump this up to see if anyone else has some good advice!
Post # 4
On the one hand, he is understandably wanting to see his family. On the other hand, it is your wedding, not a mix and match your package!
I would hope that if he is a good enough friend to invite he is a good enough friend to be honest to. ‘X, you know that I am really excited that your mom and sister will be able to see you on this trip! but I have to admit, the way they are picking and choosing events makes me feel a little weird. We had intended for the pub night to let people on both sides get to know each other a little first, and for the bus tour to also help bring the people at our wedding together- and kind of as a “thank you for comin to our wedding.” I really would prefer it if your mother and sister came to at least the wedding & reception, and to be honest, it hurts my feelings that they would skip out on what is to me the most important part of the weekend when the reason they are going to be in that town is because of the wedding.”