Help please. Had a fight with DH about what we do together & apart.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

First of all, I don’t think you should HAVE to do anything you’re not interested in doing. If you’re happy with how you spend your time, it shouldn’t matter if it’s mostly relaxing at home!

Taking up a hobby is a great idea… IF you’re really interested in what you’re doing. Have you considered taking a class– maybe a language? What happened to the yoga? Did you enjoy it? What about trying other excercise classes? (I’m currently taking a belly dance class which I LOVE). 

I quilt, though not as much these days as I used to. FI and I spend a lot of time being very lazy– watching TV, for example. But we also take walks sometimes.

Post # 3
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

CarterLove:  Since you tried to go with him before, your DH should respect your decision not to go.

Whether you need a hobby or not is not up to us to decide but you. Do you feel bored? Do you think you have the need to do a hobby? Or do you just enjoy relaxing? There’s nothing wrong to relax I tell you.

Post # 4
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Just a question….does he not do housework/laundry too?

Post # 6
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I personally am a total homebody too, but my FI is as well so it works. When we met all we did for fun was spend too much money on partying and cars and unpractical things so we have stopped any of that the past 6 years. My guy loves to go shooting at the range which I don’t enjoy much either but have gone a few times. I finally told him I would prefer he went with friends and stopped asking me to go. He really appreciated the honesty and when he is gone I can walk the lake by our house since he doesn’t quite love walking. 

I feel like it is hard being a young couple who has decided not to go out and party each weekend but we just don’t over think it too much or you do start to feel bad about yourself. Lucky for us my family is in town and a blast so we have dinner parties with them a lot. 

You aren’t the only one who has doubted your fun status, but once you both stop obsessing over what to do or what you should be doing you can relax more. Tell your DH that you would rather him not pressure you as it makes you doubt yourself and ruins your day. And if he knows how you are he shouldn’t question you and make you feel boring. 

Post # 7
Member
4819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

CarterLove:  I think you gave 4×4-ing a try and you’re just not that into it. Oh well! He should chillax and go with people who do like it. I like to geocache and now FI is into it. If you like outdoorsy stuff, going places, and the challenge of finding a little treasure hidden away from the rest of the world.

http://www.geocaching.com

I actually need to get out and do more myself. I like to read and I am a bit crafty. I’d really like to joing a Meet Up group and/or a book club. What about taking a class in something fun? Photography? Cooking? Oooo, a cooking class together sounds fun to me.

Post # 9
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My husband is a triathelte.  He does all of that alone, and it takes up the majority of his time.  I generally stick around the house, like you.  I wouldn’t want to do any of that with him, and I don’t find it fun AT ALL.  It does bother me sometimes that he’s gone alone a lot, but he truly enjoys it and is damn good at it. I also used to take yoga, but with buying a house shortly I can’t swing the expense anymore.  I’ve started doing Pop Pilates at home.  100% free and there’s even a monthly workout plan!

Post # 10
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think this is really hard for me to comment on because it’s SO different based on the particular reltaionship and the people in it.

My FI is like yours in a sense that he is very hands on with projects and enjoys doing outdoorsy things. He too likes four wheelers, cars, and working on those things. However, I actually like to go do more things out than he does, like getting a drink, going to a club, concerts, the gym, or whatever. This used to be a problem for us, because he wouldn’t do this AT ALL. Now he is willing to go out more and has adjusted. Ironically though, lately with the wedding we don’t have the money to go out and do much. 

FI and I are think are pretty different from other couples (or at least the ones we know) in that we have lots of independent time. He goes to his dads while I go to my mom’s. He goes out with friends while I stay at home or vice versa. We do these things together at times too, but not every single time. He likes when I join him in his interested activities and I try to do so (unless it’s something I absolutely can’t stand) because I know he does the same for me. 

If your husband has a problem with you not joining him in activities, I think he went about it the wrong way. You guys should discuss not at the time the activity is up in the air. You should talk about expectations, how you can help give him what he needs (within reason, like what you’re comfortable with, etc.), and have a heart to heart. Then you both can be comfortable. 

Post # 11
Member
2885 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My FI thinks I need to get out more too. I think that a lot of active guys look at thier girls on the couch and are worried that they aren’t having fun. He is always encouraging me to go out with my girlfriends, or whatever. He doesn’t get that 9 times out of 10 I’m at home alone because I’m tired, I have done so much and I just want some me time. He automatically jumps to “She is at home alone because she is lonely, and I must fix it!” It’s a very guy mentality.

It sometimes takes alone conversation with your guy about how you aren’t really “broken.” It sounds weird, but sometimes they latch on to that one night that you said you were bored, or the one time you said you wished you spent more time together, and feel like it is their job to fill that time. Sometimes you have to correct what you said earlier.

Post # 13
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

CarterLove:  We have completely different hobbies and paces too, so most of our stuff is done apart. 

I like to putter around the house too and having leisurely, lazy days. I don’t even know exactly what all I do, because I’m doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that all the time.

I AM looking for a new hobby, but everything seems to either cost too much money (I like to make floral arrangements and bouquets with really nice artificial flower$, for example), or it doesn’t jive with my work schedule. I’ve tried volunteering – the organizations I’m interested in have more demand than they have open volunteer shifts, tried siging up to continue learning another language but there weren’t enough sign ups so they canceled the class…

FI is always playing or watching sports and getting together with the teams he is on for drinks. 

Do you need to buck up and do more? That depends…do you feel like it? Are you bored? I feel like a bit of a loser sometimes but you know what, we really shouldn’t be taking on hobbies that we aren’t really interested in so that we can feel like one of the cool kids 😛 

Post # 15
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

DH and I have very active lives but still like to just chill at home too and really don’t consider a quiet day in the house and garden as laziness. Instead, we call it “recharging our batteries”!

I am heavily involved in performing activities and for sure, the last thing I’d expect DH to do was tag along like a groupie! Likewise he used to be a Morris Dancer and I didn’t follow him everywhere he danced out either. Not least because it’s not fun to watch your partner do something they don’t really enjoy. Which is why I think your DH should accept that four-wheeling isn’t something you like to do. It’s no reflection on you either. 

We do plenty of stuff together. We enjoy going to football (soccer), out for meals with friends and family, amateur dramatics and also, before he suffered horrible nerve damage in his feet from chemotherapy, we took long walks in the country together. We like having interesting things to do but it’s certainly not a competition. I had a long afternoon’s drum practice yesterday and he spent the time writing up the family history on his computer. I didn’t think he was being lazy because he hadn’t spent 4 hours bashing a drum!

If you think you’d like to have more activities in your life then by all means look out for a new hobby. But don’t feel you have to do this because otherwise your DH will think you are boring.

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