Hi ladies, I really need some help.
I am 24 years old, my partner is 32. We have been dating for just over 7 years, living together for 6 years, brought a house 5 years ago, got engaged 10 months ago, and are due to be married in 7 months. And I'm not sure it's the right thing to do.
If we we're to break up I would literally have nothing.
hmmmmm. You might have your dignity and self-respect, however. That's something.
@Isthisthereallife: Wait, you started dating a 25 year old when you were 17?
Your dreams and aspirations are NOT ridiculous! Just because he doesn't share them doesn't mean they're not important to you. And finding a compromise will make you both happy, whereas his "my way or the highway" attitude is off-putting and making you rethink your relationship.
Have you guys tried counseling at all? Cause it sounds like he's dismissing your wants and needs for something he thinks is more "responsible" and counseling may be a way to open up communication a bit more
And going off how mean spirited his patents are, I actually think he would become quite mean and not allow me to have anything if we were to breakup. We also have a cat & dog which are mine, as he only tolerates them.
And this is going to what, magically resolve itself once you're legally bound to this guy? Take control of your life! You're 24 years old, you're young! Reading this post I'd think you were a broken 50 year old with an abusive husband who wasted her entire life.
I think him being older than you, he is in a further place in life. You should do what you want to do. If you want to travel, you should save up and plan some trips! You really should start building your credit, so you should get a credit card and pay it off every week. Get that car transfered to your name. Why did you ever put it in his name?
I think you need to feel like an equal in the relationship, and not feel so much like a leech. Do what you love. End of story. If not making a lot of money is important to you, it doesn't have to be. That's shitty for him to push you out of a job you love.
Don't let him control you. If you feel like you need to leave. Pick yourself up and go. Get a roommate to help you split bills, and you'll be good to go.
If you want to stay make sure he understands that you still have some exploring to do before you make babies. Reassure him that you want kids, but want to explore the world first with him!!
Why did you want to marry someone that you don't seem to be compatible with? No brainer here -- break up.
@Isthisthereallife: " I also have aspirations of returning to uni to do masters, which he has stated quite bluntly he does not support and would not allow"
Statement like this are always major red flags to me of control issues down the line. You are two adults who are equals in this relationship. But statement like this make it very clear to me that he doesn't see you as an equal. He sees himself as the ultimate dicision maker which in my book is not ok. I'm sure he feels like he has power over you due to the large age gap, the fact that you started dating when you were a child and he was an adult and the fact that you rely on him financially. This is a recipe for disaster I think.
He'll use all those things to his advantage to control you and your life and you'll feel like you can't leave.
Honesly, if you have these apprehensions, I would leave now. Do you have family you can stay with for a while? You have a job so you should be on your feet in no time.
ETA: a husband and wife should either have shared dreams and aspirations or encourage each other to achieve their separate dreams. If your spouse is not going to support you then who will?
So he's controlling ("would not allow"--WTF?!), doesn't support your career goals and ambitions, claims that wanting to travel and see the world at the ripe old age of 24 is irresponsible and ridiculous, and you don't trust him to treat you decently if you break up?
Run, girl. Surely your parents or friends will let you stay with them while you get on your feet and find a place to live. You should seek legal counsel and see what you're entitled to--you've been contributing to the household, and he shouldn't be able to keep everything just because you left. Also, DO NOT give back the ring until you've come to an agreement re. money, car, etc.
Have you ever asked him why, if he wanted someone who was ready to settle down and have kids rather than get a master's degree and travel, he decided to date a 17 year old? Because my guess is he wanted someone younger whom he could pressure and boss around. Normal, well-adjusted 25 year olds are not interested in dating 17 year olds.
@mrssrm: Normal, well-adjusted 25 year olds are not interested in dating 17 year olds.
Exactly! It is usually the insecure ones that know they can control a younger woman cause she thinks he is so much more experienced than her and is flattered that an older man is interested in her.
OP....you do not sound happy and getting married is NOT gonna magically make things better. You are 24, that is still SO young. You still have your whole life ahead of you. This is the time in your life to travel, explore who you are, make your dreams realities. You deserve someone who shares those same aspirations as you. Who would not only support your desires, but would do everything they could to make them happen for you. Because they love you and want you to be happy...and don't just see you as a young girl they can control.
I didn't really want to touch the age thing but... yeah. Kind of reminds me of that quote from the movie Waiting. "Is it any wonder you date girls that are still in high school? They're the only ones left, they don't know any better."
Yeah, the 25 year old with a 17 year old thing raises my eyebrows too.
It sounds like you have a (controlling) caretaker/parent-child dynamic. You are an adult and your own person. It is not up to him what goals are important to you! I kind of get a bad vibe he wants you to have kids right away so you are even more "stuck" with him. It is just another control thing. As soon as he sees you trying to do your own thing he pushes you into whatever role he has determined for you.
There is no way I would be happy in a relationship where there was no support, respect and encouragement for one another's individuality, goals and freedoms. How demoralizing and limiting, not only to you as an individual but to the relationship too. And if someone told me "no" to pursuing school, or travel? Out the door! It is not going to get better when you marry him.
I am not sure where you live, but I would talk to a lawyer about your rights to property and such.
Regardless of the age issue, your SO should support and encourage you in following your dreams (as long as they're vaguely reasonable). Going to grad school and traveling the world are two of the best things I've ever done - you should have that chance too.
Your early and mid 20s are such a great time for exploring your own self and growing as an individual. A healthy relationship will allow each person to grow and flourish, supporting each other in growth. An unhealthy relationship will keep you stagnant.
Also, no where in your post do you talk about loving this man or not being able to imagine our life without your soul mate / best friend. In my opinion, that should be a given before getting married.
It sounds like a tough situation, but much better to not get trapped in a marriage that's not right!!! Surely you have friends or family who could help you get back on your feet. 24 is still soooo young and you have the chance to have the life you really deserve.
If you think you are uncertain - DO NOT get married. The worst thing you can do for yourself is to get married.. because you know what will happen? All the things you are questioning now become solidified and much more frustrating. If you get married just because it's all you know and are scared and it's not what you really want, you are setting yourself up for an entire FUTURE of disappointment and unfulfillment. It's ok to love someone and have completely different expectations of what you want the future to be.... but that doesn't mean you marry them and pledge your life to them. If anything, put wedding plans on an indefinite HOLD until you can work through your feelings and figure out what YOU want.
I think that if one of the main things that crosses your mind is who would take in a 24 year old with two pets, you do not need to get married. I left a marriage, house, & everything i had at 24 & i never for once thought that was "old."Material things are replacable & i am now happily married to whom i feel is the right person.
Life is too short to deal with crappy people!!!
would not allow....tells me my dreams (of travel) are ridiculous.
Who will take you in? You look on Craigslist for a roommate, or roommates.com, or something, but you get out of there. Otherwise, you will end up the woman that KatyElle thought you were-a broken 50 year old with an abusive husband who wasted her entire life.
You are correct, you didn't have the opportunity to explore and find myself in my early 20s.
But you know what? Your late 20s are a hell of a lot better. And ditto to everything those above me posted.
Best of luck to you!
It sounds like he wanted to be in control from day 1. Thats why 25 year old men pursue children (17 is still a kid, both legally and usually maturity-wise). Please don't take that the wrong way - there is nothing BAD about being 17 - in fact, its AWESOME.
A guy doesn't get to decide what your job is. A guy doesn't get to decide how much money you need to make. A guy doesn't get to "allow" jack shit, and he certainly doesn't get to demand when you do or do not travel and/or have children.
This is BAD news lady. There are sooooo many "unhealthy relationship" red flags here, it made me sad to read this. I broke up with a jackass controlling boyfriend when I was 22, and because I mustered up the courage to walk away, I've seen the world - my passport is more than half full. I got to know myself, I found strength and independence in myself that I'd never have seen if I haven't traveled, made my own mistakes, my own good decisions, worked good jobs, shitty jobs - but it was all on MY terms - and it was all because of that - that I'm 30 and happily married. Even still, when I told my husband I wanted to go spend a month in Africa, and then go to the World Cup in Brazil in 2014 before we started making babies, he was SUPPORTIVE, even though he did want to start sooner, we talked about it and reached a compromise. He didn't get to make that decision for me. Hellllllllllllllllll no.
Please PLEASE stick up for yourself and most importantly, FIND yourself. You've let him define too much of you. If he can't deal with you sticking up for yourself, you need to ask yourself why you're with someone who controls you instead of communicates with you.
Don't ever let anyone tell you your dreams are stupid.
You only live once, and if you don't do these things when you're young, 50 years from now you'll always wonder what you missed.
You don't need to decide tonight, or even this week. Maybe put wedding planning aside and think long term.
Things in life have a way of working out. I don't know how, but they do. There were times that I felt completely trapped, or completely upended, and somehow I landed on my feet. You may have to make adjustments (using public transit, renting a small apartment, taking on a roommate, moving in with a friend for a while, etc) but you WILL get back on your feet and move on.
Your dreams aren't stupid!
You should never feel trapped in a relationship. What do you mean "who is going to take" you, do you mean you're worried about a roof over your head or about not finding the love of your life because you have pets and no money?
The second one... please, don't fear this. It's really not going to affect your chance of finding Mr. Right. Marrying Mr. Wrong very much will, though!
The first... can you stay with your parents or a friend temporarily, or start saving up an emergency rent fund?
I will wait for a one-poster to respond to this thread before I respond. There are so many things doing on with the OP, I just want to make sure this is a real poster before I chime in. /-:
You are not wrong in your demands. And it has nothing to do with being young. There are many 'grown ups' who are immensely happy and satisfied with a career that pays less but gives a chance to give back to society. There is nothing wrong with wanting to travel either - it only means that you have a broad mind and wish to further broaden your horizon. Not wanting to be shackled with the responsibility of a child at this age is equally valid. You are a normal girl with normal, even admirable qualities and a sharp mind. Any guy will be lucky to have you. You also have an income and are not fettered by obligations. And the world is your oyster. Why are you holding yourself back? Explore yourself, do what you love - your fiance is your PARTNER not your adoptive FATHER. Don't confuse the two situations.
@Isthisthereallife: But I am so scared. If we we're to break up I would literally have nothing. Everything (including my car) is in his name. And going off how mean spirited his patents are, I actually think he would become quite mean and not allow me to have anything if we were to breakup. We also have a cat & dog which are mine, as he only tolerates them. And seriously who is going to take a homeless and broken hearted 24 year old with two pets??
You only mentioned physical things. You didn't say, "If we were to break up, I would be losing my best friend" or "If we were to break up, I would be lost without his love and support."
If the "stuff" is the only thing holding you back, then you answered your own question.
I think you need to postpone the wedding indefinitely. If you don't have the means (i.e., money) to leave now then starting saving immediately. When you get enough saved to move out and live on your own do it. Tell him you want to live your life and enjoy yourself. He'll probably balk at first but if he wants what's best for you he'll swallow his pride and let you go. If you break up (which might happen) you'll be fine.
It doesn't sound like your FI is abusive just a little controlling. You need to get out in the world and live your life. You've been "locked down" in a relationship when you should have been out exploring who you really are. You have to do that before you get married. Otherwise you'll always wonder "what if".
Good luck!
It sounds like you wouldn't be happy if you two stayed together. :-\ There's nothing wrong with you wanting to travel, wanting to get a masters degree. He should really feel blessed that he has someone that has dreams and goals like that. You shouldn't have to change those kinds of things about yourself to be with someone else. :-\
You can be married and a grown-up and still travel, have new experiences, etc. That is a valid option, choice, life path. But he doesn't want that same path. Which means that you two need to split now so you can both get what you want and not waste years of your life on fighting over it.
SO sad to read what you are going through, but I completely understand it because I married a 25 year old when I was just 17 to escape from an abusive family situation. Everything that previous posters have said above is true. I thought for years I would never be able to escape or undo the mistake I had made, but thankfully I realized that starting over with no material possessions was much better than spending the rest of my life with someone who didn't care about me enough to support my dreams and desires. Check with local churches in your area. Through mine, I was able to find a recently widowed lady who needed a little help around the house and yard and was happy to provide me a bedroom. She even allowed my dog to live in her backyard in exchange for my help. There were some difficult days, but in the end I am so glad I chose to leave that marriage. Please consider getting counseling so that you can find the strength and courage to do what's best for you. Big hug from Texas - you will be in my prayers!
Your FI sounds super controlling. Your're still very young, girl! Take the world on! Get that masters degree, enjoy your job, travel!! Your FI is older and has had more life experiences than you. He should not bash you wanting to do things. If you stay with him and get pregnant, don't get to go back to school, and never get to pursue your passion of traveling, would you still be happy?
You'eFI paying for everything is another way to control you, so you think you'll have nothing if you leave and feel trapped. I'm sure you have friends or family who are willing to help you get out of a controlling relationship. Please, do what makes YOU happy.
Doesn't sound like cold feet to me. It sounds like you are at different stages and want different things right now. I don't think you are right for eachother at this time, as you need to do some self discovery and exploration, and he has previously done this and is now ready for settling down.
@mrssrm: +10000000000000000000000000 to everything you said.
OP, your FI sounds like my ex. He was only 4 years older, but he was crazy controlling, manipulative, etc. He wanted me educated, but not TOO educated. Travel was stupid and pointless (I'd already been to France and Ireland, and he did not give a fuck, which is totally not normal). My job was never good enough. I never made enough money. He wanted me to work full time, make great money, and then come home and be June Cleaver and have his babies. No thanks. I left. I made a plan with my best friend (at the time), signed a lease on an apartment with her (though looking back, I should have moved in with my grandparents), moved out gradually while he was at work, and then broke up with him and moved the rest of my stuff out.
I won't lie, it's terrifying. He threatened me if I brought anyone to help me move (he is a police officer! wtf!), and I was terrified that my breaking up with him would cause him to hurt me, so I told several people what I was doing in case anything happened to me. Nothing did, thankfully, but you never know. I should have told his coworker who lived down the street, actually.
A relationship should be a partnership. Not always equal, but you shouldn't have to worry about that. The other person should support you and complement you, not berate you and make you feel like you aren't good enough.
@Isthisthereallife: Don't marry him. Seriously, don't do it.
If one pound (or dollar) was donated to charity for every person who married their highschool sweetheart and then ended up unfulfilled (and divorced or full of resentment) we would have the money to solve all of the world's problems.
You met this guy when you were in high school and you're obviously not that person any more. You've grown and so has he. You're different people now and you don't fit together. It sounds to me like the differences between you guys are significant ones, the scary kind that run deep and really matter.
You can't build a marriage on how good you guys were when you were young, anyone will tell you that. Breaking up really seems like it would be for the best here. I know it will be hard, but this is the only serious relationship you've ever had and trust me when I say THERE WILL BE MORE. Staying with him because you think nobody else will take you is not a healthy idea and you will grow to hate yourself for not leaving.
The break up is going to hurt, and it will feel wrong and weird at the start. And yes, you will want to jump back onto his arms because it feels safe, but don't. Don't because when the hurt is gone you'll fall in love again. A lot of times probably, and then after you have loved and been loved by all of these amazing, smart, interesting guys (and/or girls) you'll find one that you really connect with and this relationship will be a distant memory of your first love.
Please don't do this. Give yourself a chance to travel and see things and meet people and try anything you want. You need time to be young and free and single. You deserve better than a lukewarm relationship, so does he and so do your pets.
If you're going to be unhappy, please find a less cliche way to do it.
Since you don't know the alternative, here's what you do if you want out: Take you belongings, get an apartment that allows dogs and you keep on going with your life. You're only 25 and most people don't have much at this point even. You'll have your salary and you'll still have your life.
If your car is in his name only, did you make payments on it? I had an amicable breakup with my ex and I allowed him everything that was his or that his parents had given us.
He sounds very controlling. Starting over isn't as hard as you think it is once you do it. I did it and I survived. I left my ex even though I wasn't sure I'd ever find another guy as good as him, but I did!!! Don't get married if you aren't 100% sure of it. Cold feet just get colder.
Wow, I am so overwhelmed by the support you ladies (who don't even know me!) have given me. It has seriously brightened my day. :)
I don't consider him to be abusive, but definitely controlling. I understand that this comes from a response to his upbringing, but it is definitely not ok with me. Reading back on my post I sound really sad and broken, and that really isn't me!!!
I have made my decision to leave, just have to create and execute the plan. I think I just needed to see that someone else agrees that it's a good decision, So Thanks for doing that for me.
I plan to talk to my parents to see if I can move back home, and then once I have somewhere to go will deal with the actual break up. My only issue now is finding somewhere for the kids (my pets) as my parents dogs don't like my dog & cat. It would break my heart to leave them behind, but I'm starting to realise I might actully need to.... :(
I am terrified about what my life will be, but I think I will be ok.
Thanks again, keep being awesome. Xx
@Isthisthereallife: all the best! It is amazing that you have made this decision for yourself, and actively making plans to leave the relationship. 15 years ago I fled from abusive family with nothing but one suitcase of clothes and another full of books. And about $300 in my bank account. It was terrifying, but I will always look back to that period as one of the most empowering moment in my life. I hope someday you can look back and realise that is true for you as well.
@Isthisthereallife: Good for you for making the best choice for yourself!! Best wishes to you! It might be rough, but you will get through it and you will be all the better for it!
@Isthisthereallife: Please, don't marry this guy! Anyone that belittles your dreams doesn't have any respect for you. I have traveled the world, Africa, all over the U.S., Europe and the U.K. It was the single most important thing I have ever done in my life. Everyone thought I was nuts but it was my dream. I have learned more about myself during that time than any other time in my life.
If you have a loving and supporting fiance that wants to travel too, that would be great but it sounds like you two have different things you want in life and you're not heading in the same direction. As hard as it would be to leave, money is not a reason to stay. Life is short, babe. Don't waste it. Do you really want to live your life with someone because it's comfortable and easier? REAL passionate, over the moon, respectful and amazing love exists. Move on and be selfish. Travel, eat, have fun, go out with friends. You will have plenty of time to settle down once you are married. Once you have kids, life changes and you can't be selfish anymore.
If you stay with him you may be comfortable for a while.....but not happy and the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Once time is gone, it's gone forever. You only get one shot at life. Please, follow your heart. You'll get through! You'll look back and be so proud for being strong enough to fight for a better life for yourself.
@Isthisthereallife: OP-I really hope you get out of this situation but you must take your pets with you! You said your SO only tolerates them and that you may have to leave them. When adopting them you promise to take care of those little ones for life!! They need your love and protection, not to be left in a situation you don't even want to be in. Please, take care of them and yourself.
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