Help please, I don't know what to do…

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
500 posts
Busy bee

If we we’re to break up I would literally have nothing.

hmmmmm.   You might have your dignity and self-respect, however.  That’s something.

Member
960 posts
Busy bee

Your dreams and aspirations are NOT ridiculous! Just because he doesn’t share them doesn’t mean they’re not important to you. And finding a compromise will make you both happy, whereas his “my way or the highway” attitude is off-putting and making you rethink your relationship.

Have you guys tried counseling at all? Cause it sounds like he’s dismissing your wants and needs for something he thinks is more “responsible” and counseling may be a way to open up communication a bit more

Member
10016 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

And going off how mean spirited his patents are, I actually think he would become quite mean and not allow me to have anything if we were to breakup.  We also have a cat & dog which are mine, as he only tolerates them.


And this is going to what, magically resolve itself once you’re legally bound to this guy? Take control of your life! You’re 24 years old, you’re young! Reading this post I’d think you were a broken 50 year old with an abusive husband who wasted her entire life. 

Member
373 posts
Helper bee

I think him being older than you, he is in a further place in life. You should do what you want to do.  If you want to travel, you should save up and plan some trips! You really should start building your credit, so you should get a credit card and pay it off every week.  Get that car transfered to your name.  Why did you ever put it in his name? 

I think you need to feel like an equal in the relationship, and not feel so much like a leech.  Do what you love. End of story.  If not making a lot of money is important to you, it doesn’t have to be.  That’s shitty for him to push you out of a job you love. 

Don’t let him control you.  If you feel like you need to leave.  Pick yourself up and go.  Get a roommate to help you split bills, and you’ll be good to go.

If you want to stay make sure he understands that you still have some exploring to do before you make babies.  Reassure him that you want kids, but want to explore the world first with him!!

Member
493 posts
Helper bee

Why did you want to marry someone that you don’t seem to be compatible with? No brainer here — break up.

Member
5539 posts
Bee Keeper

@Isthisthereallife:  “ I also have aspirations of returning to uni to do masters, which he has stated quite bluntly he does not support and would not allow

Statement like this are always major red flags to me of control issues down the line.  You are two adults who are equals in this relationship.  But statement like this make it very clear to me that he doesn’t see you as an equal.  He sees himself as the ultimate dicision maker which in my book is not ok.  I’m sure he feels like he has power over you due to the large age gap, the fact that you started dating when you were a child and he was an adult and the fact that you rely on him financially.  This is a recipe for disaster I think. 

He’ll use all those things to his advantage to control you and your life and you’ll feel like you can’t leave.

Honesly, if you have these apprehensions, I would leave now. Do you have family you can stay with for a while?  You have a job so you should be on your feet in no time.

ETA: a husband and wife should either have shared dreams and aspirations or encourage each other to achieve their separate dreams.  If your spouse is not going to support you then who will?


Member
788 posts
Busy bee

So he’s controlling (“would not allow”–WTF?!), doesn’t support your career goals and ambitions, claims that wanting to travel and see the world at the ripe old age of 24 is irresponsible and ridiculous, and you don’t trust him to treat you decently if you break up?

Run, girl. Surely your parents or friends will let you stay with them while you get on your feet and find a place to live. You should seek legal counsel and see what you’re entitled to–you’ve been contributing to the household, and he shouldn’t be able to keep everything just because you left. Also, DO NOT give back the ring until you’ve come to an agreement re. money, car, etc.

Have you ever asked him why, if he wanted someone who was ready to settle down and have kids rather than get a master’s degree and travel, he decided to date a 17 year old? Because my guess is he wanted someone younger whom he could pressure and boss around. Normal, well-adjusted 25 year olds are not interested in dating 17 year olds.

Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee

@mrssrm:  Normal, well-adjusted 25 year olds are not interested in dating 17 year olds.

 

Exactly! It is usually the insecure ones that know they can control a younger woman cause she thinks he is so much more experienced than her and is flattered that an older man is interested in her. 

 

OP….you do not sound happy and getting married is NOT gonna magically make things better.  You are 24, that is still SO young.  You still have your whole life ahead of you.  This is the time in your life to travel, explore who you are, make your dreams realities.  You deserve someone who shares those same aspirations as you.  Who would not only support your desires, but would do everything they could to make them happen for you.  Because they love you and want you to be happy…and don’t just see you as a young girl they can control.  

 

 

 

Member
10016 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I didn’t really want to touch the age thing but… yeah. Kind of reminds me of that quote from the movie Waiting. “Is it any wonder you date girls that are still in high school? They’re the only ones left, they don’t know any better.”

Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, the 25 year old with a 17 year old thing raises my eyebrows too. 

It sounds like you have a (controlling) caretaker/parent-child dynamic. You are an adult and your own person. It is not up to him what goals are important to you! I kind of get a bad vibe he wants you to have kids right away so you are even more “stuck” with him. It is just another control thing. As soon as he sees you trying to do your own thing he pushes you into whatever role he has determined for you.

There is no way I would be happy in a relationship where there was no support, respect and encouragement for one another’s individuality, goals and freedoms. How demoralizing and limiting, not only to you as an individual but to the relationship too. And if someone told me “no” to pursuing school, or travel? Out the door! It is not going to get better when you marry him.

I am not sure where you live, but I would talk to a lawyer about your rights to property and such.

Member
7066 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Regardless of the age issue, your SO should support and encourage you in following your dreams (as long as they’re vaguely reasonable).  Going to grad school and traveling the world are two of the best things I’ve ever done – you should have that chance too.

Your early and mid 20s are such a great time for exploring your own self and growing as an individual.  A healthy relationship will allow each person to grow and flourish, supporting each other in growth.  An unhealthy relationship will keep you stagnant. 

Also, no where in your post do you talk about loving this man or not being able to imagine our life without your soul mate / best friend.  In my opinion, that should be a given before getting married.

It sounds like a tough situation, but much better to not get trapped in a marriage that’s not right!!!  Surely you have friends or family who could help you get back on your feet.  24 is still soooo young and you have the chance to have the life you really deserve.

 

Member
7166 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If you think you are uncertain – DO NOT get married.  The worst thing you can do for yourself is to get married.. because you know what will happen?  All the things you are questioning now become solidified and much more frustrating.  If you get married just because it’s all you know and are scared and it’s not what you really want, you are setting yourself up for an entire FUTURE of disappointment and unfulfillment.  It’s ok to love someone and have completely different expectations of what you want the future to be…. but that doesn’t mean you marry them and pledge your life to them.  If anything, put wedding plans on an indefinite HOLD until you can work through your feelings and figure out what YOU want.

Member
286 posts
Helper bee

I think that if one of the main things that crosses your mind is who would take in a 24 year old with two pets, you do not need to get married.  I left a marriage, house, & everything i had at 24 & i never for once thought that was “old.”Material things are replacable & i am now happily married to whom i feel is the right person.

Life is too short to deal with crappy people!!!

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