Weddingbee boards

Hey ladies, I've got...a potential situation brewing here and I'd love to hear some thoughts.

When I got engaged to my FI, I thought carefully about which friends I wanted to ask to be in my wedding party. I wanted friends who I knew would last, that I was not only friends with at the present but that I did not doubt I would be friends with ten or twenty years from now. I wanted friends that I trusted, shared my life with, and liked my FI. I picked 3 friends to be in my wedding party. I've had a couple problems but overall these ladies have been great and supportive. However, they are more like "long-distance friends", in that they aren't people I really see every day because of distance/time constraints. We see each other maybe every few months when possible, but they're people I can talk to about anything and just really trust and know to be good people.

One of them, (let's call her Arlene) is a friend of mine from college. She and I have not lived in the state since college, but we keep in contact through social web applications and email. Recently, she's had some finding a job, so she's decided to travel a bit. While traveling, she's done several things that I find....morally questionable. She cheated on her boyfriend while she was traveling, insisting that she didn't care about him much and intended to break up with him eventually anyway. The guy she cheated on him with was a married man. She had this fling with him, and when it became evident that it was going nowhere, she fessed up to her boyfriend and dumped him. While I find this all morally objectionable and something I wouldn't do, I realize these are her personal decisions and they shouldn't impact my friendship with her. I feel like she's allowed to be stupid knowing what the concequences are.

However, about a month ago, she went traveling again and volunteered at a homeless shelter. She told me that this particular homeless shelter caters to people who were formerly sex offenders, violent criminals and substance abusers. Because the people at this shelter came from particularly dangerous situations, she was instructed not to give out information about herself or to be alone with anyone at the shelter for her own safety, and this was a rule of the shelter. After a week or so of work here, she was fired from her volunteer job because she broke these rules and the shelter felt that she was acting in an unsafe fashion. She confided to me via email that she felt that she had done nothing wrong or unsafe and she thought this was unfair. I responded to her that I was sure the shelter thought they were acting in her best interests and were only concerned for her well being.

I just found out that Arlene actually got involved with one of the guys she met at the shelter. She went out with him multiple times while she was there, she's apparently still in contact with him and plans to see him again and has some sort of relationship with him.

Now, I'm not really sure how to feel. I am really worried about my friend. This guy lived at a shelter for sex offenders and violent criminals, for crying out loud. He's homeless. Not to say that people can't be reformed but I can't help but feel a little put off by this, especially because she wasn't forthcoming to me about it after she got fired from the shelter (she hasn't even personally told me about it yet, I found out through facebook). I'm not really sure what to do because I am really just so put off by her behavior. I am willing to hear her out if she decides to tell me about it, but it seems like she's having a trend of dangerous behavior and I don't like it. I don't want a friend who constantly puts herself at risk of danger, and lies and cheats. This is still sort of tenative, but if her behavior continues I kind of just want to break off my friendship with her and tell her she's not in my wedding and is not invited to it.

Am I out of line here, or do you think I'm making a good call? Thanks in advance for your opinion.

Thanks "bee"zies. I'm still (clearly) pretty upset about finding out about this. I do want to be there for her, but I feel like there are limits to that. I have had friends before who have had some really self-damaging behavior and while I do agree you have to try and stand by them as a friend, there comes a point where it's just hard to keep watching them hurt themselves and you just have to get out before you get hurt too. Maybe I'm letting my bad past experience influence my thoughts too much, but I know there are limits to how much I can support someone with this sort of behavior. That said, if she needs/wants my help, I'm certainly not going to deny her that.

@mambinki- my friend is doing volunteer work because she can't find a job, and wants to meet people and explore the world. I don't think that particular shelter was a good place to meet people...she's the type of person that assumes that all people are good people and is very trusting, which worries me quite a bit especially in this situation. And she does have guy issues- she was sort of cohabitating with this guy a few years ago and they were going to get married, but after she started traveling around it was clear that she wasn't really ready to settle down and he ditched her. Since then she's been on...rocky footing with guys. It's sad because she's a great catch. I'm pretty disappointed about it.

Oh, I have a similar story. One of my good friends from college was engaged before me and I was one of her bridesmaids. When I got engaged, I asked her to be one of mine as well, and the giddy wedding conversations and bonding over our weddings began. She and I have always had a close bond due to having our committed relationships with our SO's and thus our more "tame" lifestyle in common. Anyway, she went on a trip to Europe with some friends and ended up cheating on her FI in the process. It was apparently a cry for help and her "only way out" of the relationship b/c she had been having doubts. They called off the wedding. Anyway, in the face of her new singledom, she went off the deep end - partying, making out with, and even going home with different guys every night. We no longer had nearly as much in common, and I was obviously no longer her bridesmaid. Some other stuff happened between her and some other friends and I, and I was convinced we weren't friends at all anymore. Since then, we have talked and cleared a lot up, but she knows that we are now living very different lives, I don't approve of things she does, and have less in common. But, we are still friends. I have asked her not to be a bridesmaid, but it was only following this whole convo and after I told her I would have cut her sooner, but I was afraid that it would be the breaking point that ruined any shred left of our friendship. She understood and is still coming to the wedding.

If you still want to keep your friendship, I suggest a long honest convo like I had. If you're okay losing her, just cut her (with an honest explanation or lame excuse - either way). Either way, though, I think you're just in not wanting her as a bridesmaid anymore.

Thanks to each of you for your advice- it all really helps. I am going to sit down and have a long convo with her this weekend and just see what happens. Yesterday I was just in complete shock; today I just feel like I am going to puke because I am so disturbed by this but I will hear her out and let her know that I really am concerned for her safety and I really want to know what's going on here.

Removing her from my life and my wedding is a last resort. I don't want to go there if I don't have to, but I refuse to stand by and let her think that I'm ok with this when I really feel like she is putting herself in danger.

I think that's a good idea, Chelseamorning. I casually asked her who the new guy in all her pictures on her FB is (just to get the line of conversation open kind of, and to see if she would say anything despite the fact I know who it is), and she's not opening up to me about it. She simply said it's a new guy she's dating. I have a feeling this is not going to be easy.