Help please, with a Fiance who jacks off to porn…I'm at my wits end???

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - FMILs back yard

csummerlin65:  So do you not really mind if he watches it, as long as he doesn’t lie or sneak about it? Or is it that you don’t want him watching it without you, period?

Some people just prefer to have their alone time with their porn… It wouldn’t bother me if my FI did it if she was honest about it (which it seems like in your case he is since you are aware of what’s going on). What about him “jacking off” to porn exactly bothers you so much?

Post # 3
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

csummerlin65:

You don’t seem to be bothered by porn per se, so is it the masturbation that is bothering you?

Masturbation is normal and healthy including for those in a relationship.

You also said your sexual satisfaction is lacking lately. Is that what’s bothering you? That he is getting sexual satisfaction and you are not? Have you talked with him about your lack of satisfaction?

Post # 4
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I suppose I don’t really see the issue either. Is it that there are problems in the bedroom which you would like to address, and you see this as a sign that he is not willing to address them, and would rather take his pleasures solo?

Post # 5
Member
7285 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

its his penis he can do what he wants. jeez.

Post # 6
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

csummerlin65:  He is allowed to do whatever he wants and you are allowed to be upset about it. It is obvious that he is not wanting to budge on this and you can’t change him or make him do something he doesn’t want to do. At this point you can either accept it or call it a deal breaker. Compromising with this issue can be hard but maybe you can reach some kind of middle ground? I think this deserves another talk. Try to not control the argument because he probably agree’s with you to get it over with…

Sorry 🙁 

Post # 7
Member
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

He’s a grown man and should be allowed to masturbate in private with porn. It’s an issue if you’re hardly having sex and you’re not satisfied though – that’s the issue you need to be addressing.

Post # 8
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

 

csummerlin65:  You can’t change a habit of around 34 years! And nor should you. Masturbation is a private thing. If you want to be with a man that doesn’t masturbate and only watches porn in your presence then you need to go out and find that man. You wants/desires/likes/dislikes do not automatically override his just because you are a women.

If you are unhappy with your sex life then you need to be an adult and talk about it but the two issues are entirely seperate.

Post # 9
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@bowsergirl: +1

Plenty of couples have a healthy, satisying sex life while both partners watch porn/masturbate on their own. Unless your FI has some sort of porn-related addiction (which it doesn’t sound like he does), the porn is not the problem in your relationship. My advice would be to let the porn thing go, and focus on what matters- re-establishing a satisfying sex life with your FI.

Post # 10
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I will never understand why so many women get up in arms over their man watching porn… It just highlights your own insecurity and lack of trust. If the lack of sexual satisfaction is the real issue here, then address it with him. But goodness, there is no reason to tell your significant other what they can or cannot do with their own body/sexual pleasure.

Post # 11
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My reply to these porn threads is always the same… My husband was not attracted to his ex girlfriend at all, he was just with her for such a long time because of habit and he didn’t want to be lonely. Not only was she unattractive but she apparently sucked in bed because she would just lay there like a dead fish and complain that it hurt. He never got off with her. He always had to finish himself. It soon got to the point that he’d rather watch porn than even look at her. Why? He said it’s because the girls in the pornos looked a hell of a lot better than her and that at least they pretended to enjoy sex.

Porn has not been an issue in our relationship. If he wants to bust a nut, he comes to me first. Most of the time, I oblige. The few times I don’t feel like it, then he has the green light to watch porn. (Normally he just waits and bugs me in the morning, haha.)

I’m not saying your fiance is watching porn because he’s not attracted to you or because you’re bad in the sack. All I’m saying is that it’s a symptom of a wrench in the gears. Is he stressed? Is he not getting it from you as often as he’d like?

The bottom line is that it makes you uncomfortable so he should stop, just as would be expected with any other behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

Post # 12
Member
2685 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

CorvusCorax:  Wow, I would not feel good at all about a partner who told stories about his ex emphasizing how unattractive she was and how he expected her to pretend to like sex even though it caused her pain. Double wow. I don’t disagree with your assessment that it sounds like in the OP’s case the porn is a symptom of the fact that there’s something wrong in their sexual relationship, though.

Post # 13
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Jijitattoo: Some people don’t understand why others just “settle”. Unfortunately I do because I have in the past. You just get so used to being with someone, and some of us have anxiety about being alone. Usually a depression slump and low self-esteem has a lot to do with it. Was it lousy of him not to just cut her loose? Yeah, sure. But he was in his early 20’s and in a pretty dark place at the time, and he told me about it (actually when the topic of porn came up, lol.) As far as the sex causing her pain, that’s probably why he never finished and eventually just stopped trying altogether. It’s not like he tells me stories about her. She has come up maybe twice in the three years I’ve known him, including this because he was trying to explain to me why he had a certain attitude about porn and relationships and women, and why he was trying to turn over a new leaf about it. He was kind of… afraid of women and the rejection and mixed messages they bring to the table, if that makes sense. Long after they broke up, he still believed that he’d rather just go home and watch porn because it was easy than go out on a limb for actual women.

Post # 14
Member
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

CorvusCorax:  Porn isn’t necessarily a sympton of anything… sex with your partner can be great and both can be totally satisfied. But sometimes it just feels damn good to have some alone time and masturbate – both men and women. It’s not a bad thing.

Post # 15
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

CorvusCorax:  Masturbation is normal, healthy behavior – even for those in a relationship. And many men like visual stimulation to get them going. Unless there are other problems in the relationship, watching porn is not a “wrench in the gears.”

And your husband sounds like a jerk.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors