Help! Sexual problems with fiancé!

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

miamibee183:  I’m not sure what your ages are, but it sounds like he has a pretty low libido and he doesn’t really know why so he’s partly blaming it on you not being confident. With him being older (again not sure how old), it could be a medical issue, like low testosterone. Certain medications can kill libido as well (SSRIs for instance). Perhaps he should see a doctor and get some bloodwork done. Stress can also be a huge killer of the male libido. If it is a psychological issue, maybe you guys should see a sex therapist to try to get on the same page. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry! I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I feel like you’re doing all you can with him and it’s time for him to meet you in the middle. He should understand it’s hard to have confidence when the one you love uses the word “disgusting” (I’m assuming that’s what you meant) when talking about your butt! That is very harsh and hurtful. Would he be willing to try counseling with you to find out what the issue is? It sounds like there might be more issues than you just needing confidence. I really hope you can resolve this and enjoy each other more. 

Post # 4
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

I feel like he just ahs a low sex drive and instead of owning that, he is blaming it on you. I mean, I cannot imagine my husband telling me he closed his eyes during sex because he found some body part of mine ‘disgusting’, yet bemoaning my lack of confidence.

He deliberately undermines your confidence and then blames your lack of confidence for your lackluster sex life. This is about a lot more than dull sex. Someone who would manipulate you and your emotions like that has issues and that sort of underhanded self-interest and self-preservation will come out in other ways down the road. You won’t be able to fix this because he probably won’t acknowledge his self-interest at your expense.

Post # 5
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

miamibee183:  Paxil is a nasty one, good for him getting off it after 10 years. I was on it for a little while and the withdrawal after a few months on it was bad, I can’t imagine how it is after 10 years. I’d be willing to bet that the potential lingering effects of Paxil and the low-T are responsible for his lack of libido, since it seems like he never really had a normal libido with you initiating all the time, even in the beginning. Perhaps this is something that a doctor can help with, without harming his fertility. I also think that a sex therapist for the both of you could be beneficial. I know he’s been kind of rude to you about it, saying things are your fault, but I’m sure it’s stressful for him not having the normal drive of a man his age, and he’s taking some of that out on you.

Post # 9
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

Well, he is – and has – really laid it on the line for you. He told you this is who he was (in his past relationships), this is who he is (“why can’t you just love me for who i am!”) and who he will be (He told me last night That he does everything for me and lives his life to keep me happy.). That last part is especially telling because he is flat=out asking you why that can’t be enough. He isn’t saying all the things you want to hear, like ‘you’re right. If you need more in this area we need to come up with a solution together’ or ‘ I’ve been thinking about what you said and I wondered if you’d like to try something different tonight’. Nope. You are hearing different versions of ‘This is me. It ain’t changing. Deal with it.'<br /><br />I’m sure at this point in your relationship, you can convince yourself that you can live the rest of your life like this. But man, 10 years or 20 years down the road, do you really think you’ll still feel the same? If it’s getting to you after 2 years, I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself about whether this is something you can accept for the rest of your life. I mean, really really think about it for the next week or two and then make your decision. If you decide to stay, you never ever bring it up again. If you decide you can’t live like this, end it ASAP.<br /><br />

 

 

Post # 10
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

I felt like it was me writing this post… I’m in exactly the same boat as you right now and I’m most commenting to follow this board for what other bees will advise!

Post # 12
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You should assume that this is your SO’s sex drive: infrequent, unadventurous, somewhat immature (him trying to blame your lack of confidence for a problem that he admittedly has had with other women = eye roll), and that he will very likely not change.

If you stay in a relationship with him, do you guys plan to be monogamous? If so, can you imagine yourself as a 60, 70, 80-year-old woman, who has spent the last 40+ years never feeling sexually desired, never having any kind of surprising or exciting sex, never exploring sexually, and never being able to express your true sexuality because of how it has been suppressed by your partner’s lack of interest and enthusiasm?

Honestly, even if I really loved a man, I would find it hard to sign up for this. If I were you I would talk to my SO about having an open relationship so I could seek sexual experiences with other people, since he is not interested. If he is closed-minded to that, I would end the relationship.

 

Post # 14
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

miamibee183:  I’m sorry! That’s such a hard position to be in. I know what that’s like, in my case it was because my ex was cheating, but thankfully that’s not the case for you. Is this something he is willing to work on?

If he has low testosterone, would he be willing to see a doctor and figure out some kind of solution to increase his sex drive?

If not, it may sound like this issue is ruining yet another relationship and you’ll have to think about if you can live with this issue or if it is best for you to move on.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors