- 3 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
miamibee183: I’m not sure what your ages are, but it sounds like he has a pretty low libido and he doesn’t really know why so he’s partly blaming it on you not being confident. With him being older (again not sure how old), it could be a medical issue, like low testosterone. Certain medications can kill libido as well (SSRIs for instance). Perhaps he should see a doctor and get some bloodwork done. Stress can also be a huge killer of the male libido. If it is a psychological issue, maybe you guys should see a sex therapist to try to get on the same page. Good luck!
SithLady: I am 25 and him 34. He was on Paxil for ten years but got off of it a year and a half ago. He has got his testosterone checked and its on the low side of normal. He was on a restorations patch for half a year but it made no difference. He got off it because it can cause infertility and we are planning on having children.
I’m so sorry! I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I feel like you’re doing all you can with him and it’s time for him to meet you in the middle. He should understand it’s hard to have confidence when the one you love uses the word “disgusting” (I’m assuming that’s what you meant) when talking about your butt! That is very harsh and hurtful. Would he be willing to try counseling with you to find out what the issue is? It sounds like there might be more issues than you just needing confidence. I really hope you can resolve this and enjoy each other more.
I feel like he just ahs a low sex drive and instead of owning that, he is blaming it on you. I mean, I cannot imagine my husband telling me he closed his eyes during sex because he found some body part of mine ‘disgusting’, yet bemoaning my lack of confidence.
He deliberately undermines your confidence and then blames your lack of confidence for your lackluster sex life. This is about a lot more than dull sex. Someone who would manipulate you and your emotions like that has issues and that sort of underhanded self-interest and self-preservation will come out in other ways down the road. You won’t be able to fix this because he probably won’t acknowledge his self-interest at your expense.
miamibee183: Paxil is a nasty one, good for him getting off it after 10 years. I was on it for a little while and the withdrawal after a few months on it was bad, I can’t imagine how it is after 10 years. I’d be willing to bet that the potential lingering effects of Paxil and the low-T are responsible for his lack of libido, since it seems like he never really had a normal libido with you initiating all the time, even in the beginning. Perhaps this is something that a doctor can help with, without harming his fertility. I also think that a sex therapist for the both of you could be beneficial. I know he’s been kind of rude to you about it, saying things are your fault, but I’m sure it’s stressful for him not having the normal drive of a man his age, and he’s taking some of that out on you.
Thank you all for your replies. He apologized for saying my butt was disgusting and and asked me if I’d like looking at his asshole. I said if it was in the context of a sexual position it wouldn’t bother me. I basically have to force him to tell me what he is into sexually and drag it out of him. Also if I tell him I don’t like his lack of sex drive he says “why can’t you just love me for who i am!”
Also after it being a huge problem for our first year dating he told me his low sex drive was a problem in his two longest term relationships before he met me. I don’t think my crazy high sex drive is the issue. It’s so hard because if I do initiate sex when I want to he will never initiate sex because we will already be having it more than he wants to.
Our sex life is also 100% predictable. It’s either on Saturday morning or night. Never during the week. There are times we have gone on relaxing vacations and the frequency is the same.
He told me last night That he does everything for me and lives his life to keep me happy. While I do think that is true and there are many good things about out relationship, this part of it is hard and has led to some resentment.
Well, he is – and has – really laid it on the line for you. He told you this is who he was (in his past relationships), this is who he is (“why can’t you just love me for who i am!”) and who he will be (He told me last night That he does everything for me and lives his life to keep me happy.). That last part is especially telling because he is flat=out asking you why that can’t be enough. He isn’t saying all the things you want to hear, like ‘you’re right. If you need more in this area we need to come up with a solution together’ or ‘ I’ve been thinking about what you said and I wondered if you’d like to try something different tonight’. Nope. You are hearing different versions of ‘This is me. It ain’t changing. Deal with it.'<br /><br />I’m sure at this point in your relationship, you can convince yourself that you can live the rest of your life like this. But man, 10 years or 20 years down the road, do you really think you’ll still feel the same? If it’s getting to you after 2 years, I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself about whether this is something you can accept for the rest of your life. I mean, really really think about it for the next week or two and then make your decision. If you decide to stay, you never ever bring it up again. If you decide you can’t live like this, end it ASAP.<br /><br />
I felt like it was me writing this post… I’m in exactly the same boat as you right now and I’m most commenting to follow this board for what other bees will advise!
interchangeable: thank you for your input. I have thought about leaving. It’s so hard. We have already booked thing for our wedding. Everyone is so excited at work. I love him so much and can’t imagine my life without him. He is smart and caring. We have similar personalities and I know at times I can be moody and he is understanding. He bought a house for us and supports me. He cooks dinner most nghts and does everything for me. I have thought about trying to have an open relationship but I don’t think he would.
You should assume that this is your SO’s sex drive: infrequent, unadventurous, somewhat immature (him trying to blame your lack of confidence for a problem that he admittedly has had with other women = eye roll), and that he will very likely not change.
If you stay in a relationship with him, do you guys plan to be monogamous? If so, can you imagine yourself as a 60, 70, 80-year-old woman, who has spent the last 40+ years never feeling sexually desired, never having any kind of surprising or exciting sex, never exploring sexually, and never being able to express your true sexuality because of how it has been suppressed by your partner’s lack of interest and enthusiasm?
Honestly, even if I really loved a man, I would find it hard to sign up for this. If I were you I would talk to my SO about having an open relationship so I could seek sexual experiences with other people, since he is not interested. If he is closed-minded to that, I would end the relationship.
ohnatto: you read my mind. We were at a restaurant this weekend and while waiting for our table we had a drink at the bar. we were standing next to another couple who seemed to be on their second date. I found myself feeling so jealous!
i have not dated a lot of men before my fiancé. I have more so had casual relationships before him. I feel like I should have dated more but I just happened to have met him when I did.
There have been times where I have cried and sobed telling him I don’t want to feel uglyand unwanted my whole life. I am afraid to give up something so great because what if I don’t find anyone else?
miamibee183: I’m sorry! That’s such a hard position to be in. I know what that’s like, in my case it was because my ex was cheating, but thankfully that’s not the case for you. Is this something he is willing to work on?
If he has low testosterone, would he be willing to see a doctor and figure out some kind of solution to increase his sex drive?
If not, it may sound like this issue is ruining yet another relationship and you’ll have to think about if you can live with this issue or if it is best for you to move on.
winterwoodlandbride15: Yeah I am certain he isn’t cheating. We are together all the time and he is open about his phone and eMail.
He he has been open to working on it in the past but it’s the kind of thing where he be attentive and then in a few weeks not care anymore about it and forget. He told me last night he gets into a rut and doesn’t remember.
He he has always been willing to work on things but has accused me of not accepting him as he is.
I dont want want to leave the relationship because he is everything I want. We have every aspect of our lives intertwined. We plan on having kids soon and I know he will be a great dad. i don’t know what to do. When he proposed I was so happy and crying with joy and now i am thinking about whether we should even get married. I have known this about him our whole relationship but now I don’t know what to Do.
I am so open and offer to do anything he wants in bed. I offer to watch porn with him and we have but he never asks to. Nothing I do works.