HELP!!! Rephrase this sentence please

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 3
Member
2150 posts
Buzzing bee

@Plum4getful:  I would take it out completely and instead, focus on how your Admin job related to HR. 

Maybe say something about how exicted you are about starting your career in HR

Post # 4
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Plum4getful:  I’d remove it completely. I would have your cover letter talk about how your skill set as an Admin Asstnt will help you to be successful in this new position.

Post # 5
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would remove it and say something about being eager to step into a more HR oriented role. 

Post # 6
Member
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I would leave it out completely. 

“My passion for this field was cultivated while completeling a summer term within the HR department of a well known law office. The experience reinforced my interest and helped me decide which degree to pursue. I am enthusiastic about the oppurtinity to be employed in the Human Recourses field within XYZ company.”

Post # 7
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MichiganGirl24:  +1 This exactly! Just take the whole sentance out, and focus on anything you’ve done in your current position that’s HR-related. Did you organize any training programs, sort resumes, or sit in on interviews? Talk about that! 

ETA: Aside from being negative, I also really don’t like that sentance because it comes off very passive, almost as if your career is entirely at the mercy of someone else giving you something. I think most companies or organizations want to see people who aren’t afraid to take control and own their career path. (I also generally hate passive voice unless it is really necessary).

Post # 9
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

@Plum4getful:  This new paragraph sounds great & puts the focus on all you have done as opposed to what you haven’t done yet. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think I would leave out the specifics of planning the luncheon unless that’s what the HR staff does where you currently work.  I know our HR dept doesn’t do this kind of thing.  I would keep it to specific tasks that really related to HR that you supported or completed during your internship.

Post # 11
Member
10992 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Plum4getful:  As a former senior-level manager, I would advise you not use the new paragraph that you’ve just written. I’m sure that this is not your intent, but it makes your understanding of the human resources discipline seem very elementary and event focused.

Post # 12
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Plum4getful:  Again, I suggest cutting the passive voice:

 

Yours: My passion for this field was cultivated completing a summer term within the HR department of a well known law office. During this time, I able to give input on possible candidates based on the job requirements. One memorable moment was when I was asked to put together a student luncheon, which included games and prizes, speakers and décor. It was then I realized that this is what I was meant to do. That experience not only reinforced my interest in Human Resources, but it was the deciding factor for my degree. While in university, my final group project was to provide a training session to the class. This included handouts, table layouts and learning materials

 

Suggestion:

 

During my studies at X university where I recieved my X degree in X, I had the opportunity to complete numerous individual and group projects with coaching from experts in the field. For example, under the supervision of Dr. X, I lead a group exercise that developed and provided a capacity building session to the class focusing on X and utilizing a variety of materials including handouts, X, and Y.” 

 

I further cultivated my passion for Human Resources with a summer internship at X law office where I worked side by side with members of the HR team. During this time I provided critical input on candidate suitability and coordinate office activities. For example, I organized and oversaw the execution of a student luncheon complete with field-specific activities and speeches from leading experts in the field. Overall, my time at X firm reinforced my passion for and committment to the field of Human Resources. 

 


 

Do you see the difference?

 


 

Post # 13
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Brielle:  This is also true, but I was just working with what the OP already had. 

Post # 14
Member
3677 posts
Sugar bee

Ditto on removing the passive voice from both the targeted sentence and the others in the paragraph (notably the opening sentence – not a good idea to start out a piece like this in the passive voice!) Mrs. Lemon Drop’s suggestions are well founded.

Post # 15
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Don’t talk about what you want.  Employers don’t care what you want.  They care what THEY want.  Show how you can be an asset to them and their company.  Use “you” not “I”.

Also, don’t restate your resume.  Your cover letter is an opportunity to say what’s NOT on your resume.  Talk about specific instances where you accomplished something that greatly benefited the company.

Post # 16
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Plum4getful:  I have an BA in English so I love working on sentences! Lol, I’ll help! 🙂

 

You wrote:

“Completing a summer term within the HR department of a well known law office is where my passion for this field was cultivated. It was then I realized that this is what I was meant to do. Unfortunately, I have not been given the opportunity to be employed in this field. That experience not only reinforced my interest of Human Resources, but it was the deciding factor for my degree.”

Try:

“My passion for Human Resources was cultivated in (Year), when I completed a summer term within the HR department of a well known law office. This opportunity confirmed for me what I already knew: that I am meant to work in this field. The experience that summer not only reinforced my interest in Human Resources, but it was the catalyst that led to my pursuit of HR in a degree and a career.”

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