Post # 1
I’ve been trying to work this out for months but I can’t arrive at a conclusion. I’m 20 years old. He’s 24. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was over the moon. I wanted to shout it out to the world. However, all that time we were dating, I didn’t feel as if it was going anywhere. I was at a stage where I would have been okay if he were to suggest we break up but I also thought it’d be nice to get married a couple years down the road. That’s when he proposed. I didn’t feel ready but I couldn’t find a logical reason to say “no”, so I said “yes”. That day has haunted me for months. For some reason, I can’t get close to him or open up to him completely. He is a fantastic man–really, really wonderful–so I don’t know why. We’re compatible. We like mostly the same stuff and have the same sort of dreams and desires for a family. My mom told me it’s because we don’t spend enough alone time together, which I suppose is true. We meet up with friends 3-4 times a week. We’re alone together about 3 times a month. That used to really bother me. He gets very busy and distracted. He has a twin brother whom he does everything with. He gets caught up in his art. He loves his family (I love them, too). He has a group of friends that are practically his brothers. He only has two days when he doesn’t work or when he’s not at school. So I know he’s busy. Eventually, I stopped longing to see him like I used to. Problem is, I’ve grown up with (and still have) a fairytale view of love. I expect two people who love each other want to spend most of their time together, and I know he tries, so it’s really unfair to him. I broke off the engagement once, telling him I don’t feel as if he knows me and that I’m not in love with him. We were both miserable for the next two days. I constantly shifted between hope for us and hope for a future with someone else. Finally, I told him that spending more time together would make things better, but that never really happened. I mean, it has a little more, but I don’t feel any closer to him. My mom told me that I should go through with the marriage because in marriage, we’ll be living together and will be spending lots of time with each other. However, I don’t know if I want to take the risk. What if it turns out that no matter how much time we spend together, I just don’t feel comfortable with him? Lately, I’ve been wanting to avoid him. For months, I’ve had these thoughts “What if he’s not the one?”, “Would he be happier with somebody else?”, ect. I keep putting off wedding planning. I could extend the engagement but I don’t know if that would help. I’m going on a trip with him and his friends for four days. That time with him might provide clarity, but if I do decide to break it off, it will become hurtful memories for us both.
Lots of people are going to tell me I’m too young to make this decision. I think maturity, not age, should be a determining factor in marriage. Literally all of my friends are getting/are married and they’re about the same age. They seem so perfectly happy. I’m happy with him but I don’t feel overjoyed or peaceful when I think about marrying him and I don’t know why… I’ve never been one to speak up for myself, always the quiet type. He told me he wants me to be myself around him. I try. I do things that I would do around my family but I always sense/fear disappointment, even though he says he loves everything about me.
Please help. I know I’ll regret breaking up with him. I think “what if I didn’t?” now. If I broke it off, I’m certain I’d think “what if I did?” I don’t want to hurt him and I know I’d miss him. Plus, if I break it off again, I don’t feel as if I can go back if I change my mind. His vision is to have a family. He wants a wife and children and he wants them soon. I don’t want to have to make him wait for me to make up my mind. I don’t want to feel this way on my wedding day. It’s coming up in three months…
Post # 3
JJDees: How old were you when you started dating? You’re only 20 now. That’s awfully young to be comitting to the wife and mother role. Sure, some women do it and are happy (probably more in Utah than in any other state), but if you’re not, then you’re not. You can’t force it and you shouldn’t. If you were torn between breaking up and getting married, I would pick breaking up.
You guys only spend three days a month alone together? I know that in some cultures that’s probably a lot, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable advising a couple who very likely doesn’t know each other that well to get married.
Post # 2
I wish I’d stayed with the guy I met when I was young. Luckily he found me many many years later!
I thought it was too ridiculous for someone to commit at your age. I was immature with no experience and thought life had something to offer. I wish I hadn’t experienced all that “searching” since way back when! He knew what was best for me and us all along, that we should be together.
When I was your age I just wanted to be with friends and I don’t think it is all that peculiar for your age group. It doesn’t mean it will be like that forever. There are eras in life such as: child, teenager, adult, college student, worker, mother, grand-parent. For each era you prepare and adapt, things don’t stay the same.
It depends on where you are at, if you feel too immature then that is where you are at right now.
Sure, there may be someone else out there for you who would suit you also, after all: there are millions of hearts out there.
But your honeymoon will give you that time together that you need and you may find you become much closer from then onwards.
It doesn’t mean you have to learn from my experience. How can you? But it may help to know that he feels you are the One.
Wishing you all the best
Post # 4
JJDees: To me it sounds like you just aren’t ready to get married. I’ve been extremely compatiable with guys in the past but never went past date 1 or 2 because I just didn’t feel it in my gut. Until my FI.
Post # 5
You aren’t ready and you don’t want to. That’s a good reason. It’s the only thing that matters. Someone can be a very good person but not be good FOR YOU. Please listen to yourself. Your opinion is the only one that really matters in this situation.
Post # 6
Do not under any circumstances marry him is your doubt is more than a little cold feet, which based on your post, it definitely is. Love has no age, so if you are ready for marraige, then you are ready, but it sounds like you’re not, or maybe your just not with him.
The key to a successful relationship (and marraige) is communication. If you cant talk to the person who is your partner in every calm or storm, then who are you going to talk to. It sounds like (and correct me if I’m wrong) that you feel like you dont know him or that he doesnt know you. You dont feel safe talking to him about everything, and he isnt your go-to person when you have something wrong that you need working out, and that you arent his.
I think you need to ask for that extention of the engagement and use the time to get to know eachother. Ask the questions that you would want to ask the boyfriend of your future daughters. Consider counseling. create and action plan for your relationship. If he has 3 nights of, 2 of those are yours but just dont do nothing, go out and do things you like to do as a couple, or things he liked to do, or things you like to do. My SO and I are long distance. we have been for our entire relationship, but when we visit eachother, which is usually for months at a time, we plan things… every friday night is movie night. We order a pizza and wathc 2 movies. Saturday night we go out to dinner or to a movie or do something fun that day. and Sunday we wine down, hang with friends and monday, we go back to our regular scheduled lives, (when he visits im working and he does other stuff and when i visit he’s working and i do other stuff).
I think often time we make time and but in effort for what is really important to us. If this relationship is important to you then give it the time and the attention that it deserves that way if in the end it doesnt work out, you can both say you tried your hardest and gave it your all. If you dont, you will always have regret!
This isnt a decision you should come to on your own, in my opinion, it should be a mutual decision. I wish you the best of luck!
Post # 7
Marriage fixes nothing. It only increases your expectations. If you are not happy with him spending so much time with his friends and family and not alone with you, marriage will not change that. You will just feel more resentful as he continues the same behaviours, because when you are his wife you deserve to be the most important person in his life. If you don’t feel connected to him now, marriage will make you feel even more alone because your husband should be the person closest to you.
Whatever you decide, don’t put this man through an emotional roller coaster. Figure out what you need, clearly and directly ask for it, and see if he can give it you.
Post # 11
Have you tried speaking to a professional? I was kind of going through the same thing with my SO a few years back and went to speak to a professional psychiatrist.
They were able to help me see things in a different light and helped me to open up to him.
We’ve been going 7 years strong now, and we just bought a ring in December of last year!
All the best to you hon, I’m hoping it works out.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
JJDees: Trust your gut feeling on this and break up with your FI. Yes it will be tough and you will probably cry about it and feel bad but after some time, you will heal and be ready to move on. It sounds like you have certain basic needs in a relationship that he is unable to fulfill. If he can’t make the time now, he’s unlikely to make the time later after you get married. I say break things off for at least a year and date some other people. I truely think you will find that your needs can be met but by another guy in a different relationship.
Post # 9
I agree with you that maturity not age is a determining factor in marriage. Your post does not lead me to think that you are immature. However, your post does lead me to think you aren’t ready for marriage yet. You clearly have doubts about the relationship, you haven’t felt right about accepting the proposal… Marriage is not the right step right now. When you marry someone, you have to want to be with that person, without a doubt, for the rest of your life. You’re so unsure right now, marriage is not going to change that. Marriage is not going to fix everything.
I think you should call off the engagement for now. Be honest with your fiance that you just aren’t ready to take the step yet. You’re both young, there’s no rush. Take some time to find out if he really is the one you want to be with forever. Don’t rush into things, or think that marriage will magically make all these doubts go away.
Post # 10
JJDees: i am much older than you are and i truly wish that someone gave me this advise when i was younger and in the same position that you are in;
if you have to ask, you already know the answer.
this has nothing to do with your age or how much time you spend together. this is a matter of ‘you are just not ready’. nothing wrong with that. heck, i wasn’t truly ready to commit to marriage until my late 30’s, early 40’s.
Post # 12
JJDees: Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that you’re going through this… But my gut reaction is that if you have to ask if you should break of your engagement (for the second time), the answer is yes. It will hurt, a lot, but I believe that timing is incredibly important in a relationship, and yours is off. You’re just not ready to get married at 20, and that’s perfectly normal. You don’t need to feel ready just because your friends do.
Personally, I could never marry someone who wanted to get married before I felt like I really knew them, and for me that means living together, but I understand if that’s not an option for you. But you deserve a chance to be with someone who wants to move at the same pace as you. The fact that you’re already at odds seems to me like a bad sign for your future marriage. Would you rather break off an engagement, or get divorced?
It seems to me that the best thing you said about your relationship is that you’re compatible, but there are so many people out there, I bet you could find someone you’re MORE compatible with. There’s nothing wrong with a guy who likes to spend lots of time with his friends and family. But being with a man like that doesn’t work for everyone, and I think you fall into that category. Anyways, whatever you decide, good luck!
Post # 13
Just based off your title – asking a community if you should go ahead with a wedding – makes me think you’re not ready to get married yet. At least not to him. Marriage is serious, and not something you should go into if you’re not 100% sure.
Post # 14
So the thing is – you’re 20 years old. And you just aren’t that into him. Get out! Get out now! You don’t need a concrete reason beyond “it doesn’t feel right”.
Post # 15
Break up with this guy.
This relationship clearly isn’t for you. No one who has to make this sort of decision feels good about breaking up with the other person, so your what-ifs and worries are 100% normal. Trust me though, you’re 20. Do you REALLY want to tie yourself down to someone who you know you don’t love, and probably won’t for the next 60 years?
Your mom gave you horrible advice. Living with someone doesn’t magically make things better. In fact, they would probably get much worse.
You are definitely not ready for this. Breaking up will suck, and hurt, and you’ll probably feel like you made a mistake for a little while… but then you’ll heal, and you’ll get some good 20/20 action going, and you’ll be able to see that it was the best decision for you.