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When you say provide for you, what do you mean? What is he going to school for?
That's so hard. You said you're 9 years older, but I'm curious, how old is he?
Your concerns are definitely legit. No need to feel bad because you want a stable financial life after marriage. I say postpone the wedding until you 2 have seriously sat down and talked about finances. What are his plans -- job wise & money wise? My fiance and I had the "money talk". We literally showed each other our bank statements and loan balance statements. We have the same attitude w/ money. (We're savers & want to pay for everything in cash. Save for my condo, we don't have any debt.) As a result, we felt we could breathe easier after our "financial planning". We talked about how liberating it was to be totally open & honest w/ each other about money. Better to know now than find out AFTER marriage that you will be carrying him and his financial burdens. Maybe I've read too much Suze Orman financial books but I always believed that love does NOT conquer all. One has to be practical also to have a happy & secure married life.
I would also like to know how old he is. If he is really young and hasn't finished school yet, he really hasn't had an opportunity to explore his options. And I don't understand the "provide for" either. Are you planning to quit your job and have him support you?
I second hazel, love does not conquer all. If you have serious doubts about his financial maturity, I would probably wait.
Are you planning on moving him to where you are? Will he drop out of school? What are the current plans?
I think we are in pretty much the same situation. Me and my FI are the same age, but I live on my own and have a pretty good job while he still lives in the house he grew up in (but now is there by himself) and is working part time doing school part time. We also live a few hrs apart He still has at least 3 yrs left of school and is also working to pay off previous debt. Him not being financially independent was a huge issue for him before we got engaged and I was the one who had to repeatedly reassure him I was fine with it. I know that I will be the one providing for the first few years of our marriage but I am completely ok with that. Yes, we may not be able to afford every luxury because there will not be 2 incomes but I am willing to sacrifice that. You just have to ask yourself if being with him is enough and if you are ok with providing for him until he is done with school. I also know that I will go back for a masters at some point and then he will be the one providing while I am in school. If this is an issue now, I really suggest you guys talk it out. You dont want it to become a My money/your money issue when you are married and have him feel like he can never spend money if it is available ( unless you wanted to do separate bank accts.). I know that I simply cant wait to be with him day and night and for me that trumps all money issues.
I echo the same questions that @noritake has. Please let us know...
I think your concerns are valid, but, unless your FI won't talk to you about money or avoids the concerns, I don't see why you have to postpone your wedding...I think you just REALLY need to talk about finances & share your concerns with him. If he is VERY young, then he may not KNOW that you have concerns or that his behavior is concerning...he just doesn't have that experience because he hasn't lived long enough. If THAT is the concern (that he hasn't experienced enough for you to be sure of him as a husband) than THAT is a strong enough concern to talk about taking some time.
Do you have a financial plan that you'd like him to follow or are you expecting your future husband (whether that's your FI or someone else) to already have a plan of his own that you'll fit into? I think these are the questions you need to ask yourself & then you'll have your answer about whether you should postpone your wedding...
Talk about fast advice! You already 6 posts in 15 minutes :)
Do you have anyone close to you that knows your situation? It sounds like you could really use some insight from the people around you who know your situation a little better...but I'm happy to help from what I know.
Are you currently in marriage counseling or considering a financial counselor? I def agree with hiker girl that talking about money issues NOW is a must, having an expert might put your mind at ease!
As long as your on the same page with future financial decisions, I think that being young and in school isn't that big of an issue. My FI is taking care of me while I'm finishing pharmacy school, it's just part of making sacrifices for each other!
Have you set a wedding budget based on prices from vendors in your area? I know my "smallish" wedding ended up being 20K....so know your limits and figure out if you can afford it.
How much money have you set aside for the wedding? If you are financing your wedding via loans I would really suggest waiting. Save up for a few months or even a year or wait til off-season when everything is cheaper. Marriage is hard enough, and financial stress only adds to it esp if he can't help much right now.
How far are you in wedding planning? Made any deposits or sent save the dates? If not, postponing is a much easier decision if thats what you choose.
Whether you postpone/cancel the wedding is a decision that you must make all by yourself, no one can make that decision for you. But I can offer you my take, which is that one of the biggest reason for fights/divorces is finance. It is natural for women to seek out men who can provide for them. His age and your age is irrelevant, what is at issue here is responsibility, is he responsible enough to handle marriage? Will he resent you someday for make more money than he does? Will you start to resent him for always have to take on financial responsibility? Will you get tired of always giving up one more thing just so that he can splurge on unnecessary items that he/you can live without? How he treat you and love you aside, is he a man of his word? Does he tell you one thing and does another? Does he promise you to save up or to take care of a debt that he has... but you don't see him do anything about it?? Those are more of a red flag in my opinion as to whether you will have problems in the future. Just food for thought for you.
Maybe the two of you should go to a financial advisor so that you can figure out a plan for your future when he starts working. Because of the slow job market, he might not find a job right away but since you have a job, I don't see why that is a problem. My parents paid for my tuition too but that doesn't automatically make someone bad with money.Are you planning on having children soon and quitting your job? I'm not sure why you keep bringing up him supporting you when you already have a job. That being said I think that the two of you should wait until your financial cards are in order before getting married since security is very important to you.
Yes it does not matter if he is rich or poor but you say his family pays for his school...does he have any money going to his debt?remember when you become married his debt is now also yours. you have to take into consideration he never lived on his own has no regard for money and while im sure he is a great person and i have no doubt you love him and you dont sound like a jerk it just seems like their is a lot of things he need to overcome before making a major commitment like marriage.
One of the top reasons cited for divorce is MONEY. If this is an issue now, it probably always will be unless you face it head-on before the wedding. If not now, then when? Kudos to you for recognizing there may be a serious issue here.
The other ladies who posted have given some great and heartfelt advice. I very much like the idea of getting an opinion from a trusted friend. Also, a counselor, financial advisor or both can give you a more objective outlook....as well as some very valuable financial tips.
You would know best if his financial irresponsibility is due to immaturity that he'll outgrow or if this is an inherent trait - not so likely to change. Perhaps his need to spend money on unecessary things is harmless (as long as it's not making a big dent on your finances). But ask yourself; "Can I live with him exactly as-is, if he doesn't change?"
Perhaps get started with a dialouge about what your financial dreams are for the future and hopefully he'll chime in. Make things light-hearted and open at this point so he doesn't feel under attack or like a child. That said, definitely postpone the wedding until you two are both on the same ground.
Am I seriously reading this right? ..."He has an awesome heart, loves me, respects me, trusts me... I'm a lucky girl, I am his everything :). He has some past debt that he's working on paying off, which is why he's not really saving anything. However, there is a problem & its that he isn't financially stable"He supports me emotionally in every thing I do, always encourages me. Never puts me down. We practically finish each others sentances :)
Deal with it or move on. I don't mean to sound harsh bit if you need a "sugar daddy" this probably isn't him. Personally I believe that its OK for the woman to make more than the man. If you have a man you love that treats you great what more is there? Maybe some financial counseling could help you out. Otherwise I don't know what to say.
My (now husband) and I have had to make sacrifices and adjustments. That's just the way it is. I have had "rich" boyfriends in the past and would never trade them for my husband. To me...I am a woman who doesn't need a man to support her. JMO. I love him he treats me like a queen and I treat him like a king. That's all that matters.
I would re-evaluate your priorities.
My partner is also quite a bit younger than me. I went extremely slowly with him because of that. I didn't see any reason to rush. He finished college, got an early career job, and paid off his debts. We had to be mindful of our career gap. I'm still ahead of him career wise and may always be, but we're really comfortable with that. He provides for me in the ways I need him to...
Only you can know if you are prepared for the challenges of an age gap marriage, but in my mind age gaps are a really good reason to take a long time and go really slowly. I could go into more detail, but you could PM if you have more questions.
First of all, WOW did I get fast advice :). THANKS ALL!!
Ok I'm going to try to reply to everyone...
He is going to be 20 later this year, so yea he's young.
When I say provide for, I don't mean I want him to pay for me. Honestly, I could not handle not working! I'm going to keep working until I move to where he is & get a job. In this economy, it may take a little while but I'll apply everywhere & I'm not picky on the place we live if we can get cheap rent & he's going to try to find a job soon. He's staying in school too, but I don't want his family paying for his school once we're married.
When I said provision, maybe I should have used another word... maybe financial-know-how?? His parents give him money for school & food & bills & some for allowance but he saves NONE of it. I understand he needs to enjoy life, but he's always buying stuff at a time when we've talked (multiple times) about how expensive the wedding is. I ask him how he's going to help pay for the wedding, he says "we'll figure it out" & that his family wants to help. Now he wants to buy a $2000 computer (on credit card) but he already has one that works fine. If he has spending habits like this now, I won't trust him with money. If I don't trust him, how will I respect him? I believe the guy is the head of the house & makes the final call in decisions. I have an input & such, but he is supposed to lead me. But for now, he won't give up buying cds for a few months & I know his habits won't magically change once we get married. I know he's trying, he's talkin to someone about financial things, but now he wants to buy a $2000 computer. I just don't get it.
I did talk with counsel this weekend, I just wanted more advice. Maybe he's just not financially mature right now, which is what I've been told. Its just hard to think about post poning the wedding. I'm not breaking up with him, I suppose we'll just have a long engagement & a long talk on valentines day (when I'll see him next).
He sounds like a typical 20 year old that has yet to learn about finances. This can definitly be a problem in your relationship. Maybe you should postpone the wedding until you have a financial plan... I think that is really the only responsible way to get married. Otherwise you are going to be supporting this guy and paying for his poor financial decisions for quite some time.
@hazel920: we've had the money talk before but it didn't change anything, maybe we'll talk again. I just feel like every serious talk is about money & I don't want to nag him. But thank you :).
@hikergirl08: Good for you, I'm glad you are reassuring him about the whole you work while he's in school. Honestly, I don't mind if I'm working full time while he's in school & I completely agree that's fine. & my brother & his wife also had that same situation & now he's working & she's in school & they don't resent anything. Money for me would not be an issue if he didn't keep trying to spend what he doesn't have!! & I know I said his dad gives him money as allowance, but not close to that much! I've told him I don't mind working while he's in school for next year. Most likely I will be working while he's in school next year & will be happy to do so as long as he doesn't max out all cards... thanks :)!
@RxBrideToBe: We want marriage counseling, but we live 3 hours apart & its hard. He was supposed to arange the counseling but we're 3 hours apart & the people we want to meet with, can't cause he can't come up here very easily. I don't mind going there, but there's no one we really know since he hasn't been there that long OR they don't have time right now. I have some savings, I already have my dress & we don't have anything that we would lose if we changed the date. We haven't finished the invitations so that's good for us. At least we won't "loose" anything :). thank you for your time :).
@loveapril: thankyou!! your questions definately helped me :). awesome advise!
@meadowbelle: thank you as well, I suppose its due to immaturity cause he hasn't the experience. i've always been smart with money, like knowing when to buy & when not to buy. but he will learn in time, just idk if he's ready for marriage if he continues like this.
@kelmac: I don't want a sugar daddy & i'm sorry if I'm coming across that way :(. I really am not money crazy. I love him more than money, but i don't want to enter into marriage disrespecting him. & I'm not in a rush to get married, but I know I want to marry him & no one else. Its more of his actions of buying stuff all the time using money he doesn't have & I don't wanna be mad at him all the time. I've told him I don't care if we have to live off of top ramen & I'm the only one working while he's in school for next year, but his computer is practically the wedding budget. uggg. thank you! i'm very glad your husband treats you so well & you treat him well also, that is by far the best thing above everything :). more marriages need that love & respect. congrats!
sorry if i didn't reply to everyone individually, i need to get to bed! ha but will be checking in tomorrow. thanks so much for your time, it really does help me figure things out. hopefully i'll be able to return the favor some day :). I know what i need to do, talk with him & I have a few days to think on what you all just told me. thanks so much!!!!
I agree that you both should go to a financial planner. Then, an expert can mediate this issue without shame or blame. Your fiance needs to understand the importance of responsible living. If he wants to spend aimlessly, he is not ready to participate in the grind of a household, then I do not believe he is ready for marriage. And you should wait absolutely. I do not believe age or incomplete education is an excuse; if anything it unmasks his habits (ppl who make more money can hide their bad habits more easily), so you are lucky in having the knowlege you do now. My sis is still in school but is very conservative with her finances and understands deferred gratification. She hasn't bought a single item of clothes in 2 years, and she walks 20 minutes each way to the grocery store to avoid car/gas. She has applied for scholarships and envisions saving for what she wants in the future. Please be careful and make sure that he has zero debt. Yes, zero by the end of the month. You are responsible for his debt unless you have a prenuptial agreement. Be sensible, as much as you are loving.
I don't want to repeat what everyone else has been saying, so I just wanted to ask why you guys were wanting such a short engagement instead of a longer one? I obviously don't know your FI so this is just my personal perception, but my little brother is 19, just a year younger than your FI, and he sounds a lot like him. My parents give him an allotted grocery/gas allowance each week, and they pay his rent and school tuition. Well, he takes that money and spends it as soon as it hits his account - buying concert tickets, going out to dinner, etc. After blowing a lot of his money in his first semester this year, he has started to realize that he needs, say...a part time job to supplement. It is really hard for someone around that age to be financially aware, especially since he doesn't have to work to pay his bills/buy his food/etc. If my parents all of a sudden cut him off, he probably would figure it out FAST. I feel like a longer engagement period for the two of you might give you time to get settled and more comfortable with your financial situation...especially if he is planning on taking on all of his bills/tuition. It would be interesting to see how things went for him if he were to do that before you got married...
He sounds like most people I knew when they were 20--not ready for the real world.
That being said, marrying a woman IN the real world, with a grasp on life, could be a huge problem.
What's the rush with the short engagement? I hate to put it this way, but what's wrong with letting him grow up a little? He needs to grasp "life" a little bit.
Plus, is he still going to be taking money from his parents when he is married? Cuz if they're paying for his tuition, usually that ceases when you get married. At least for me it would have, and for everybody I knew.
I think your concern is 100% legit. It's not that you want a sugar daddy, but you want someone who will bring something financially responsible to the table. And let's face it, his financial actions are really immature; he needs a reality check with the bills and everything. It's something you don't learn until you're cut off if your parents are covering your bills for you (trust me, i was one of those kids. i used money from waiting tables to supplement small thingsd but i got $400 a month for food and room and they paid my tuition. I thought I knew, but I didn't really know until i got out and had "real" bills and had a "real" budget, all on my own).
I wouldn't want to marry someone who couldn't pull their own weight. I have broken up with guys before for the fact that "love is great, but doesn't pay the bills". They still lived at home and had no financial footing in life. i started to feel like I'd end up taking care of them and they'd take advantage of me having the better job and paycheck. I felt like they thought "sweet, sugar momma!" ya know? Emotional support is one thing, but you have to be a tangibly responsibel person in my book, also. I don't need to be provided for (do you want to be a SAHM or something? Do you want to not work when you get married and be taken care of?) but I want to know my guy can take care of himself and contribute to the household. A hug and kiss and support are nice and all, but you can't pay the bills with them. I'd work this out though, because you may resent him if you end up taking care of him too much--you'll feel like you replaced his parents...you'll nag...it'll feel less like a relationship, more like a sibling thing where you're always on his case.
It sounds to me like you'll be taking on more of a 'parenting role' with him than one of a wife/partner. From what you've described he's used to someone taking care of him and has had no time to stand on his own and accept responsibility for his own actions. He needs time to grow up before he gets married and can prove he can handle all it entails. What happens if you get pregnant? How will he support a family then?
I'd wait on this marriage if it were me.
I think you should definitely put off getting married until he is more stable in his money situation. He needs to know how to handle money and be responsible before you get married. I think he has some growing up to do, and it would be better if that growing up was done before your got married
@ Kelmac: I think your response is a little out of line. Your not taking the time to really realize what the poster is saying here. She has legitimate concers about spending; finances & responsibility. She never once stated she was looking for a "sugar daddy." Just because your relationship is a bed of roses doesn't mean that every one else in the world doesn't have problems with money. Just because someone Loves you & Supports you emotionally doesn't mean they can't ruin you by spending every last dime you have.
I'll agree with the posters before. If he's only 20 that means that he still has quite a bit of growing up to do. Honestly; if he's never had a job; I think I'd be leaning towards possibly extending the engagement a little longer. While I think Love and Committment is a huge part of marriage another small part of marriage is finances. You do have to be able to trust the person your with; not only with his money to help support himself but to trust him with access to your finaces as well. You need to know that he can handle the responsibilities of marriage and finances. It doesn't matter who makes more money; what matters is that you are both on the same page as far as unneccesary spending. I think if you guys can have a real conversation about the future and spending and his expectations of you and your expectations of him that would help.
I think most of the posters here are right on target: he sounds like a great guy who needs some time to grow up. It's completely fine if he doesn't make as much money as you. It's completely fine if you're ahead of him careerwise. But it's not fine to be financially irresponsible and blow through what money you do have rather than budgeting.
I think your assessment of your situation is very realistic: you don't need to break up with the man you love, but neither should you rush into marriage. Maybe postponing the wedding will be the catalyst he needs to start being more responsible. Honestly, if he goes from being supported by his parents to being supported by you, he'll never have an opportunity to become financially independent. So let him get there first. Meanwhile, keep talking about finances. Make budgets, talk about how you want to handle your money now and in the future. I think you are so smart to have this concern now and you both will definitely be able to work through this issue.
@Kelmac - as LacyLust noted, wanting your partner to be financially responsible is nothing like wanting him to be your "sugar daddy' ... I think that is a bit of an overreaction.
I totaly agree with Smyley...be careful, you may be taking on more of a parent role as opposed to wife. At this point, you two are not equally yoked, give him some time to mature!
It depends entirely on what you want out of life and marriage.
If you want your man to provide for you and be the leader of the household then yes absolutely you need to find a man that is financially stable and responsible and that you can trust to make good decisions, better ones than yours I guess. So if that is what you want I think this guy is not the right guy for you, definitely not now and maybe not ever.
If however you love this guy enough to change what you want...
Marriage doesn't have to involve the guy providing for you. As an adult you could provide for yourself for the rest of your life. (Though I'd advice keeping separate accounts till you can trust him with money.) You can respect someone for a lot of different reasons, not just financial ones, I respect people for their strenght of character and compassion etc. I don't know anything about this guy but what you've written but it sounds like if you want to be with him you'll probably have to have a more equal relationship than you've envisioned.
I'm not sure you've thought the dynamics of what you're suggesting all the way through. You say you can't imagine not working but if your husband is the leader of the household and he wants you to stay home with the kids?
There's also the fact that 20 is really young, he's almost a teenager and you're 29, an adult. I'd give it some more time, he needs time to grow up.
It sounds like he is a typical 20 year old. My husband and I were really mature for our ages but that isn't typically the case. I think that you should wait until he graduates and gets a job and learns to live on his own before getting married.
tigereye21 I am sorry that I misunderstood your post. I am PM'ing you. And by no means did I mean that my marriage is a bed of roses.
Obviously we don't know all the circumstances, but I wouldn't marry a 20-year-old who still receives a spending allowance from his parents. (His age is not the deciding factor; there are a lot of young people who can take care of themselves.) That's a person who is not independent enough yet to be a married man.
I'm still not really sure why you two are rushing into getting married. Your FI is only 19 years old, if you love him you would advise him to wait. And for the sake of themarriage, get some financial planning done before you walk down the aisle. Money is the #1 reason for divorce.
If I were you I would postpone the wedding. There is no shame in it. There are a lot of bees on here who had a long engagement and loved it! It gives you more time to get to know each other, possibly move in and plan a beautiful detailed wedding.
Again, awesome. I think I love this focum/website, I just found it yesterday & will be coming here often :).
I'm not in a rush to get married, he is. He says that his school friends can't come if we have it any later & we both want to spend the rest of our lives together so "why wait"? But we will talk about post poning it this coming weekend. It has to be done. The best thing for us is if he has to live on his own for awhile, without his parents help, or I'll feel like I married a kid & he's young already. Since so many of you have told me waiting is best, it gives me more confidence in my decision. I wasn't looking for you to decide for me, but your advice/ input really helps!
@kelmac: thanks so much, your email was very sweet. that was very nice of you & you didn't even need to apologize but it is accepted :). I'll reply to you when I can, I'm on a quick work break right now.
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Hey everyone, I'm new here but I'm in desperate need of advice! I'm 9 years older than my fiance who treats me very well. He has an awesome heart, loves me, respects me, trusts me... I'm a lucky girl, I am his everything :). However, there is a problem & its that he isn't financially stable. I don't believe he is going to be able to provide for me financially because he doesn't know how. He doesn't have a job, but his family gives him money for school, & when he gets money, he spends it. He's never lived on his own. He has some past debt that he's working on paying off, which is why he's not really saving anything. Other than finances, he's amazing. He supports me emotionally in every thing I do, always encourages me. Never puts me down. We practically finish each others sentances :).
I know he's made sacrifices & done without some things, but he's always wanting to buy small unnecessary things. I have a good job, & can afford to pay for our smallish wedding myself (or at least very close to it), but its still going to be hard.
We were having a short engagement, engaged Christmas & planning for an end of May/ early June wedding. We live a few hours apart, so that makes things harder. Honestly, I don't care if he's rich or if he's poor... but I do care that he's not able to provide for me.
Is my concern legit? I feel kinda like a jerk, I know it'll really really hurt him if I postpone the wedding. How long should I postpone it for? Should I call it off? I don NOT want to break up with him, we are perfect together. Any advice?