Okay, here's the situation. I got engaged last July and picked my bridal party right away (silly me). One of the girls (we'll call her Ms. X) I asked I have known her since she was born, our parents used to be really close friends. Anyways, through the years we've always spoken, but I really beleive we've remained friends because my best friend lives next door to her and talks to her. She personally isnt always my cup of tea. She can be very selfish, whiny, bratty, I always say I can handle her in small doses. Now, please let me say, I do love her, even if she can get on my last nerve and make everything about her. Anyways, she has decided to leave for London, England (we live in Canada). She plans on leaving the day after my bridal shower and returning the Wednesday before my wedding. I don't think it's fair that the rest of my bridal party is here, helping me out whenever I need it, plus my girls will be throwing me a bachlorette party, obviously while she's gone, which all of them will chip in for. I personally don't think its fair that she doesn't have to help with anything, plus she doesn't have to assist in footing the expense for my bachlorette party. She basically gets off scott free while my other girls are working their butts off to help me. HELP! Should I politely explain to her that I love her, but since she decided to move to London maybe it's only fair that she step down. I'm really lost here, any help would be of great assistance. Thanks!
@June-bride: Bridesmaids are not slaves, they do have a life you know? If you like her enough and don't mind she only shows up for your big day, then keep her. If you are anal about having her contributing to your wedding and if she can't commit, then drop her. Easy?
@June-bride: oh dear... I can see this one blowing up...
I sincerely doubt that she just decided to pack up and move across the world on a whim...
Does she need to put her life on hold because you are getting married? What would happen if she got pregnant? Or lost a job and couldnt afford anything but the bare minimum of a dress and shoes for the wedding?
This girl is prepared to make an obviously expensive trip to come back for your wedding and the fact that she's not available for events that aren't even necessary shouldnt make any difference...
@ms_protea: very wise words my dear ;)
@ms_protea: I know it sounds crazy, but it really was on a whim. She decided in Decemeber to go. Something else I forgot mentioned about her is she will do anything for a guy and that's the real reason she is going. And based on what we've all seen it's pretty obvious he's not that interested, but she never clues in on these things, no matter what we say. And I am covering all expenses for my girls (dress, shoes, jewelry, makeup and hair) so there's no expense for them there. And if she lost her job, or got pregnant, that would be a completly different story.
"She can be very selfish, whiny, bratty" No offense...but you sound like you are being this way. It's all about you and you're wedding. Your friend has an opportunity to go across the world for whatever reason, and all you do is think about yourself and your wedding. You should be happy for her for that and the fact that she is going to be back in time for your wedding and making that sacrifice for you.
@jmaze: I agree.
@June-bride: ummm gets off 'scot free'? so i assume she'll be teleporting from england to get to your wedding?!
it's not up to you to dole out responsibilities and bills. if she's here, great! if she's not - whatever. (for the shower, bachelorette etc) the only thing a bridesmaid HAS to do is stand up for you on the day. the idea that you think she's somehow not pulling her weight from across the atlantic is ridiculous and petty.
and who are you to judge why she's moving to england? i just moved to england from canada with my SO and if anyone has been so catty and judgemental for my reasons of moving here, they're glad i haven't heard it yet.
i suggest you think about what you would rather have - the original bridal party that YOU chose (theoretically because these are the girls you want to stand up for you) or to create drama out of nothing when it seems like she's doing everything she can to be there for your wedding. which is her only obligation as a bridesmaid. you kicking her out will only reflect poorly on you.
OP, you're asking way too much of your bridesmaids to begin with. Is Ms. X supposed to put her life on hold and not move internationally (which I'm sure is not easy on her, either) until after your wedding? As a BM, her role is to buy her dress and show up to support you the day of the wedding. Throwing parties for you, while a nice addition, is not required.
While it would be nice for her to participate and contribute to these things there is no rule, legally or etiquette-wise, that requires her to do so. A bride is not guaranteed a bridal shower or bachelorette party nor is she guaranteed all members of her bridal party will contribute or participate should those events be held. How do you know she isn't going to contribute in some capacity to your bridal shower or bachelorette party? How do you know she hasn't planned on sending a gift or contributing money, or calling ahead to a bar or restaurant you are going to be at to send over a nice bottle or a round of drinks? So she can't be there in person because she has decided to do something exciting with her life and move to England. Saying you'll be a bridesmaid only commits you to showing up on the day of the wedding in the appropriate attire, sober. NOTHING ELSE.
And, despite the fact you are paying for their attire, there are expenses she will incur. How about her flight back to Canada to attend your wedding? How about hotel accomodations for several nights? How about transportation? Food? Drinks? There are plenty of expenses your friend is willing to incur to be a part of your big day. Saying she is selfish because she hasn't put her life on hold for your wedding and isn't spending several thousand dollars to fly back for your shower/bachelorette is ridiculous and makes you sound seem like the selfish one.
Should I be mad at FI's sister, who is one of my bridesmaids and friends, because she took a federal probation job and moved to Florida from PA in August when she knew she was in my bridal party and can only come home for either my shower or bachelorette party and the wedding and hasn't been able to be here to help me with all this wedding stuff? (For the record, I am still clueless as to what brides think their bridesmaids should be helping with during the planning process. I've done plenty of DIY projects for our wedding and planned everything, with some help from FI, I can't imagine what I would need there help for, nor would I ever expect it.)
I would suggest taking a long hard look at yourself and the way you've been behaving. You seem very selfish in this post and may need to reevaluate what kind of friend you've been. You should want her to stand up with you on your big day because you can't imagine your day without her, not because of what she can do for you.
How selfish of her to live her life and fly back for your wedding.
Okay ladies, you've all made your point. This is why I came on and asked, I wasn't sure what to do or how I was acting. You all make great points and I'm going to leave everything as is.
I live in Australia, and where I'm from bridesmaids rarely pay for a hens night or organize a bridal shower. They might help set up for the wedding (if required) or pitch in making decorations or whatnot - they're not a slave though.
I guess the way I see it is that a bridesmaid is someone who you can't imagine your day without, and that's why I would chose them. I honestly think she is already showing her loyalty by sticking around for the bridal shower and then flying all the way back for your wedding... I feel kinda like you're looking for a reason to exclude her?? Maybe?? I dunno...
I guess I am curious as to what you mean when you say the other bridesmaids will be 'working their butts off'.
How do you anticipate this? Maybe this will clear some things up for us...
@June-bride: I would suggest editing your original post with your latest comment, otherwise there will be a loooot of posts similar to those already posted. Glad you see the light though
"She can be very selfish, whiny, bratty, I always say I can handle her in small doses." Perhaps this goes the opposite way around too, and that's why she's moving to England...
Bridesmaids are there because you care about them, not because you need labour. But sure, if all those pre-marriage arrangements are what you really care about, go ahead and replace her with someone else that you have better use for.
That's tough. My fiance and I have had issues with wedding party members at times, and my rule has always been, "Am I fine with this being the reason that our friendship ends?"
The answer has been no each time. I think you always run that risk when you ask someone to step down from a wedding party.
@ms_protea: +1. You can't expect your bridesmaids to put their lives on hold for your wedding. If she wants to move, she can. She is coming to the shower and the wedding, and that's all you can really ask her to do.
+100!! Freakin' hilarious! Thank you.
To the OP. Please read up on how you may want to treat your bridesmaids, if you want to still have them by your wedding day. I am sorry, but your attitude is completely wrong.
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