Help! Should we cancel our weeding and elope?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Spring2015Bride:  Really that is only a decision you & your FI can make. DH and I also had planned a large wedding for months, put down deposits and all, but due to stress/money/family health and addictions canceled and opted for a intimate beach wedding in Mexico. 

It did cause some family issues, but they all ironed themselves out mostly just hurt feelings/expectations. It worked out amazing for us, we did lose some deposits but still ended up spending half what we would have for the wedding we were planning. We went through an all-inclusive hotel with a super basic package and I really didn’t bother with anything that wasnt in the package. We went and got legally married there & they required 4 witnesses so we invited my brother & his gf along with DH’s brother and his wife. It was amazing not having to stress or even really think about the details aside from what we were wearing. 

DH also was very excited about it because it kind of extended our honeymoon since we had to be there 3 days pre-wedding to do the paperwork and get blood tests done. Neither of us had ever really dreamed about what our one-day wedding would look like so we didn’t have alot of “must-haves” or traditions we would miss. We just arent traditional ppl at all and in the end discovered we were spending a ton of time, $$, and stress on things that didn’t really matter much to us and were trying to make everyone else happy at our own expense… 

We are very happy with our decision and most of the hurt feelings blew over quickly. 

 

Post # 3
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

I wanted to elope so badly! If you and your FI will be happier that way then do it! I think elopements are so beautiful and special. 

 

I’m not sure if I’m “allowed” to plug other wedding websites, but this link may help you: http://offbeatbride.com/2014/04/lessons-from-eloping

Post # 4
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If you’re super stressed out and not enjoying the planning experience, I’d say go for it. FI and I cancelled our big wedding about a month ago in favor of something small this October and it feels like one of the best decisions we’ve made! We’re saving money, time, emotions, etc and we just get to move forward with our lives and not put so much energy into making one day perfect. I feel like I have my life back now. Weddings are not for everyone! But you can still have a really beautiful, meaningful, and fun occasion.

Post # 5
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Given my SN you can totally see that I was one of those brides that eloped. However, in my experience couples that are happy doing that wanted JUST that originally and I have a feeling that’s not your case. You say that even moving your wedding more towards the afternoon so as to cut down on “drinking time” made you sad bc it wasn’t the big wedding that you wanted? No, no OP. Elopements work when people DONT want big weddings and my feeling is that YOU do. And that’s ok!!! I honestly think you need to stop making concessions for your family member and get married however you guys wanted to get married originally. Yes there will be stress, yes you might have to decide whether or not you even want that family member there but…this is exactly the reason why addictions are systemic/family problems: everyone’s involved.  And by you (I’m sorry, it has to be said) doing things to “help” the other person not engage in his/her addictive behaviors you’re actually enabling him/her. How? By taking upon yourself the responsibility of what he or she does and not leaving it up to the individual. That is to say you simply help him/her NOT own up to the damage they’re causing to others and themselves. 

Imagine for a second you had a child with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder of the cleanliness variety. Now imagine you wanted to lessen their compulsion (cleaning) so you took it upon yourself to be an ultra good cleaner. Now see if you can realize that this wouldn’t HELP them start to get help, start to see that this IS a problem, start to try and work thru it. Makes sense?

i honestly suggest you look up an Al-Anon group near you and sit in on a couple of meetings to see how others also suffer being around addicts and what some healthier ways of coping are. Then, if this family member is still weighing on your mind you simply uninvite them, as a LOVING boundary saying “I love you but I can’t have you around me.” Then have the wedding you truly want. 

Hugs OP!

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