Help! Started off on the wrong foot with MIL

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

beeconomist:  It’s important for your husband to stand up for the both of you.

Rotting petals on your bed? I cringed.

Post # 3
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Where is your husband, her son, in all of this?

Post # 4
Member
7211 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

The bad news is you can’t get someone to respect you or your decisions. She might never do that. While she seems off, esp with the rotting petals, you seem really focused on a validation of your wants and to see her wanting you to be happy. I think you’re going to be perpetually disappointed by her on that front. She is not interested in making you happy. 

as for your future decisions, your DH needs to take a stand with her, but even he will not be able to stop her constant “suggestions”. You’re going to have to get used to it and come up with a plan to diffuse it together,with DH. 

Post # 5
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

Why would she keep a bag of petals for 3 weeks then leave them on your bed all soggy & rotting?! Was it a not so subtle message to remind you that she’s still pissed about the wedding?? Very weird, you should have brought the bag out and asked her in front of her husband and son why she brought them. It’s also important for your husband to be on the same page as you with all this, is he?

Post # 6
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

ew wtf at your rotting petals on the bed. that’s just rude. what does your husband think about all this? have you even talked to him about this?

Post # 7
Member
3514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think it’s important to have those guides lines clear from the jump. I allowed my MIL in our business way to much so when I became pregnant she thought every single thought she had would be heard and followed! It was a huge issue. Stand up for yourself and hopefully your husband is 100% on your side when it comes to that.

Post # 9
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

beeconomist:  Your venue forbid it, there is a complete reason for you to be angry and for your aunt to pull her aside and squash it.  What would have happened if she would have done it?  Either your venue would have charged you for the cleaning (likely hundereds of dollars) or even worse could have kicked you out.  You did absolutly nothing wrong and that was NOT a bridezilla moment. 

To be honest, she will never stop doing stuff like this.  It is about boundaries, which it looks like you are establishing by not giving her her way on the wedding stuff.  Just make sure you and your DH are on the same page (which it sounds like you are)  Treat her respectfully and ignor her antics.  Not mentioning the pettals was actually a smart move.   The more you are above it and show she can’t get to you, the more likely she will at least slow down the pace of it.

Post # 10
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Where’s your husband?

I would never confront my MIL with anything, if I had an issue I bring it up to my FI and we’d discuss and figure out the best way to talk to his mom. He would definitely be the one speaking to her though, same if he had an issue with one of my parents.

The rose petal issue at the wedding is over with, the rotting petals on your bed is the issue at hand.. Again, where’s your husband? If this happened in my house, I wouldn’t even have to tell my FI to say something. He’d be livid. That’s disgusting and disrespectful, not to mention very immature. Speak to your husband, he has to see the issue with this.

 

Post # 11
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

beeconomist:  So are you saying your husband won’t confront her because “this is the way she’s always been” and you should just ignore her? That wouldn’t fly with me. Not if her antics bothered me to the point that I had to post about it. 

He brought you into this woman’s life, so He should protect you/deal with her.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  GreenBayBee.
Post # 11
Member
4797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

beeconomist:  I’ve heard that passive aggressive people are the hardest to deal with because you never really know what they are thinking. Hmmm… yes, the husband needs to be the one to deal with her. You didn’t get off on the wrong foot, she has a problem. That’s really too bad.

Post # 13
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Even if she genuinely thought it was a sweet and nice gesture, some people don’t understand what is appropriate and what is not when it comes to boundaries. There are plenty of times people think they are doing something nice, but really it is crossing a line, or they just don’t take into consideration whether or not their “nice gesture” is something the receiving part would actually appreciate. It sounds like she really was crossing the boundary regardless of how nice the gesture was intended. You were not a bridezilla at all!

I can’t figure out the rotting petals thing?? Maybe she was miffed that she didn’t get to do it, and she had intentions of bringing it up to you or leaving those petals there or whatever, but then she decided not to. Regardless, that’s just weird, and goes to show that she really DOESN’T see the boundaries and really doesn’t understand that you were justified in requesting her not to do that even if the venue didn’t allow it.

Post # 14
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

That’s a really weird thing about the rotting petals, but in all honesty, if she had persmission, I think I would have let her spread the petals to begin with.

Post # 15
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

First of all I sooo wish you’d have said something about the rose petals. Because honest-to-god, I would’ve come out of the bedroom holding the bag by two fingers, paused in the center of the room and said at full volume “WTF is this?” One of those cases where the curse word is needed for effect, lol. 

Secondly, no. You do not “surprise” brides at their weddings with additional shtick that serves primarily only to bring yourself a little extra shine (i.e. rose petals no one asked you to bring). Would she also have sung you a little song or played you something on the harmonica during the ceremony because she thought it would be a “sweet gesture?” She was wrong for that, and if she doesn’t understand why, it’s not something you’ll ever be able to teach her. (my MIL tried something like this– invited a bunch of people to bridal suite the day before the wedding to surprise me with some wedding tradition with her culture. I turned everybody away. Sorry, not sorry. Should’ve cleared that kinda thing with me first)

Finally, your husband is being immature. He sees his mother testing his wife and is sitting back encouraging it. He needs a stern talking-to. And fast. 

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