Help, Terms and Conditions: Am I missing anything?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Payless:  How old is your brother? There were a few that seemed a bit unreasonable for a teen, which is the age I’m assuming he is.

5 – I do think it’s important have dinner as a family, but I also think it’s totally normal for a teen to have dinner with friends or with a friend’s family once or twice a week. 

6 – Is there a reason for such an early curfew? I’m not sure about his history or what not… perhaps he’s been in trouble in the past and then the 9:30 makes sense. But for a reasonably well-behaved kid, I think 11pm or so is more acceptable (for an older teen).

13 – I think teens deserve the ability to lock their rooms should they need the privacy – perhaps you can agree he will unlock the door if you knock and ask? 

Just my thoughts… I don’t know the specifics of your situation so your rules may be totally appropriate 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
10495 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Payless:  Some of those appear to be way too strict.  I’m not familiar with his age or other circumstances though.

The first one I would change is electronics, I was pulling all-nighters in junior high some nights due to homework.

Stating who someone can or cannot be friends with is also ridiculous.

Post # 5
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You know what kinds of rules he needs, but I dothink that some of these are too strict. For example, the early bed time. By the time I was 16 I didn’t have an enforced bed time, I just knew that my parents wouldn’t take tiredness as an excuse for anything. Also, number 9 is a bit worrisome. Adults often assume that teenagers are being disrespectful when they don’t mean to be. And trust me, getting in trouble for that is extremely frustrating. I also think that in number 2, it isn’t neccessary for him to lose a priviledge for a low grade as he will be required to go to tutoring for it. There is no need to punish him twice.

Post # 6
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@Payless:  How old is he? Has he had a history of being irresponsible or disrespectful?

While I completely understand having high expectations, I think the maturity, responsibility and circumstances of the child should be taken into account.

I was a very responsible teenager and didn’t have to be told to do a lot of things, but your list still feels quite demanding and strict. I only say it because it may cause frustration and confrontation right from the get go. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that there isn’t much trust involved in this set up. Perhaps he has shown he cannot handle responsibility, but I don’t know that. It just appears that you both are assuming he cannot be trusted from the get go.

ETA: I also think you may want to consider sitting down with your brother and having a serious discussion about expectations rather than presenting a strict list of expectations. This could be a great opportunity to set him up for success and take on responsibility for himself. By having a part in deciding some of the expectations, he can take ownership. Then, if he violates a rule, you can have a more involved conversation about accountability. 

I would also recommend removing some of the language about punishment. It seems very punitive. Remember, this will be a new situation and environment for everyone involved. Compromises will likely have to be made for there to be success. 

Post # 8
Member
10495 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Payless:  I stand on the friends thing.  Instead, you could say that you don’t want him hanging out with people while doing drugs or something illegal though.  I think that’s reasonable.

I think you also need to make an exception on the electronics for school work and it should also be later for weekends.  What if he wants to watch an hour long show that starts at 10?

Post # 10
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Payless:  I think given the background information, your choices are totally reasonable. As long as you are willing to lighten up some restriction for good behavior, I think that’s a good way to motivate him. That’s a really amazing thing to do for your brother, he is very lucky to have you. 

Post # 11
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Payless:  

That makes sense. Do be careful with disrespect though, I have been accused of it many times and I still don’t understand why. It can be a slippery slope.

Post # 14
Member
10495 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Payless:  You can have a conversation with him about friend choices, but it shouldn’t be a rule.  Having a rule like that might just further encourage him to seek out the troublemakers.

Otherwise it sounds like a good starting place.

Post # 15
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

@Payless:  Given his history, I think most of those are fairly reasonable. I don’t particularily think that maintaining As and Bs should be a requirement. Working towards those grades and then working to continue those grades sounds a little more acceptable than saying he HAS to get those grades right away. I mean we have all had times in highschool where even though we tried really hard sometimes we just didn’t understand the subject matter and ended up with a lower grade. I do agree with the tutoring part of it though, that would be working to achieve preferable grades.  

Post # 16
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@Payless:  I agree with AB Bride. Even given the circumstances, I think some of these things are way too strict. Specifically the grades and the electronics. i don’t know what his grades are like normally, but just remember that a C is “average”, and if you have a student who isn’t doing well, you can not expect him to suddenly be getting A’s and B’s. Not to mention, I don’t think you should punish him twice for it. Maybe it’s because my dad was way more relaxed with me, but I hate the idea of someone punishing a child for getting C’s. Have a talk with him, tell him why grades are important, get him tutoring, etc. then maybe punish him if it still doesn’t improve. Also, some students stay up late doing homework. There were times when I would have been totally screwed if my dad didn’t allow me to use electronics after 10:30. 

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