Post # 1
i have posted here a few times about the issue of where my Fiance and I were actually going to get married. Fiance wanted a catholic ceremony for a few reasons and i really wanted to respect that need for him. the boy is amazing, and deserves anything i can do to make him happy.
and i really tried! i really reall really did. i am not anti religion, but we are not religious. i was raised catholic, but am a decade removed from my last mass. the more we learned about the catholic wedding process, the bigger the knot that built up in my stomach. eventually i had a breakdown and spilled all my reservations to my Fiance. he said he never wanted me to hold back feelings and he definitely never wanted to do anything that would make me feel that upset.
we had a loooooooooooonnnnnggggggg talk and it came out that the real reason he wanted to have a catholic church ceremony was that he knew his parents (who are not paying anything for our wedding) expected it. his parents go to church EVERY DAY. they are lovely people, but they are also very passionate about their religion. i heardw hat he was saying and we agreed to be open to both catholic and non religious ceremonies.
that was a few months ago and things have been very up in the air until this last weekend. we went to where our wedding is and scoped out a potential ceremony site. even though it was early and i was in mega-pain from having my wisdom teeth out the day before, the moment we saw the place we could host our ceremony, we both looked at each other and knew that was the one. i could go on and on about why but i wont. trust me, its perfect!
we talked it over and decided to get married at this non church venue (for me) and have a ceremony that has god in it (for him), and then get our marriage convalidated after the fact (for them). win-win-win!
the problem: we now have to break the news to his parents. we are spending the entire weekend with them at their family’s summer house and Fiance feels it would be lame to not tell them when we are spending 4 straight days together. they live far away and we never really see them so i get it. they are not tech saavy so sending the news in an email is out, and while i would love to put the talk off to the last possible moment, i think there is virtually no chance of our wedding not coming up within the first couple hours of arrival.
i am really stressing out about this!!!!! i want them to like me, but not as much as i want to like my own wedding. i dont know them well enough to know what they will say or do…..
Post # 3
I would not tell them during this weekend…I would tell them you are still discussing/looking at wedding venues…..
It’s easier to tell them ina shorter visit so you will have less stress…
Post # 4
@smcs28: Good idea plus maybe start with the convalidation. I could see them just tuning out in shock when you start with, “so no church wedding…… BUT WE’RE GETTING a convalidation!”
Post # 5
Yeah thats a tricky situation. But you have to remember that its all about you and him. Its not about his parents or your parents. You shouldn’t have to do it one way just because they expect you to. Just relax and don’t stress out! Everything will be ok:) Gently explain to them that this is what ya’ll want. You can’t make everyone happy, but you can make YOU happy:)
Post # 6
Oooh, if it were me, I would not want to share potentially stress-causing news while I was stuck out in the middle of nowhere with them for 4 days. 🙁 That conversation could make for an awkward 4 days.
Can you guys call them together this evening and tell them? I understand it would be hard for it not to come up, but if you’re there, and they ask, as another PP said- maybe tell them you’re still considering venues.
I mean, have you put the deposit down yet? If not, it’s really not a lie- you haven’t committed completely to anything yet.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 7
Im athiest, my Fiance is catholic, his Dad (mom passed away) is a serious, fish on friday, church several times a week kinda of catholic. When we said we were getting married his father immediately said we had to get married in the church. Fiance just looked him right in the eye and said “No, we are not. It is our wedding and our choice and you need to repsect that”. He hasnt mentioned it since. Be strong, stand your ground, and good luck!!!
Post # 8
@Rrabbetsgirl: Wow. He is brave! It’s great that he stood up for ya’lls choices like that:)
Post # 9
@ecstaticfuturebride: Maybe age is a factor, he’s in his late 40s, parents no longer have any influence. I feel for the OP but they need to do what makes them happy on their day.
Post # 10
Best of luck. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Breaking parents’ expectations sucks, but you shouldn’t be forced into a wedding you don’t want.
Post # 11
If you do plan to tell them on this trip, I’d advise you to wait until the tail end of the trip. The last thing you want to do is to tell them on the first day. If there’s a bad reaction, you have the tension for the duration of the trip.
Post # 12
I suggest something a little different — is it too late to tell them over the phone? That way they can get their initial reactions out privately once you hang up, instead of things being awkward and you’re all stuck together in a vacation house. And that’s worst case scenario–they might be ok with it, mine shocked me by being so easygoing about my beach wedding (this, after she spent years telling me “[name], i pray to god every night that you’ll be married in a catholic church” — seriously). Anyway, they might be ok with it and all this is for nothing, and showing up you’ll either be relieved they surprised you, or at least prepared to discuss further, after time to cool down, and you don’t have that weight on yourshoulders. Personally, I couldn’t go four days without saying anything – I’d be terrified of wedding convos and it would stress me out so much that I couldn’t enjoy it.
Post # 13
i am really trying to convince him not to say anything this weekend!!
the phone is a great idea, but it wont work for this weekend since they are on the road right now and we’ll be arriving at roughly the same time… they are in their 70s, so talking and driving isnt going to happen.
he thinks they will be ok, but i have a feeling they will blame me…
@bells219: no deposit yet. the venue is really laid back, and sincew e are doing only a ceremony there, there will be virtually no charge to deposit on!
Post # 14
@bostongirl27: Well, you’ve got that going for you. Are the owners religious at all? I’m wondering if it might help if you said something along the lines of “We looked for a church to get married in, but they were all so expensive. These sweet, sweet (insert denomination) people have offered us the use of their beautiful facility for just peanuts! It just makes more financial sense”
And then include that your ceremony will have x, y, and z elements, just like a church wedding would have.
I know it’ll be hard for him no to say anything right away, so if he does, have a backup. *luckluckluck*
Post # 15
@bostongirl27: No idea how to break it but good luck! Where are you getting married? I am in CT too.
Post # 16
thanks for all the wishes of luck ladies! i am going to do my best in the 4 hour car ride we are about to set out on to convince him not to tell them this weekend. i just want everyone to be happy!
@armychica06: we’re having our ceremony at the eugene oneill theater center in waterford and the reception at a hotel in mystic! you???