Post # 1
Long time lurker finally writing my first post!
My issue is with picking my bridesmaids. I decided I wanted my 3 best friends and my 5 year old cousin as bridesmaids. Noproblem until FI told me his mother wished me to pick his cousins as well. Apparently his mother has taken it as a given that I will ask his cousins even to the extent that his aunt has said she will be paying for BM dresses. (Not necessary – I hate that she thinks she can buy her way in)
The problem is that his cousins hate me and I dislike them. There is a long history of his cousins making comments about me and generally acting like spoilt brats. I can’t imagine being surrounded by catty comments on my wedding day. Apparently I am expected to at least have the younger girl who is 7 as bridesmaid.
But due to her age/ divalike tendancies and shyness, that means her mother would have to be with her and her mother is very pushy. I don’t fancy having fights over dresses(I have very different tastes and styles to them) nor do I want her mother to be at my house on the morning of my wedding. I am always very polite so would struggle to stand up for myself.
FI has always been looked down upon my his cousins and their parents. For once I wanted our wedding day to be solely about us and exchanging our vows. At the same time I want to keep the peace.
Do I have the youngest as bridesmaid to keep the peace or stick to what I want? FI originally said that if I didn’t want them as BM I didn’t have to, but feels bad now that there is a lot of expectation.
Thanks if you have got this far!
Post # 3
@SaraBee105: Stick to what YOU want NOW or they will forever be making demands and it will slowly but surely become THEIR wedding and NOT YOURS! Trust me! I’ve been there! You’re the bride. Tell FI to tell them (DON’T tell them yourself!) you would rather keep the wedding party small and you only want the nearest and dearest by your side.
P.S. Remember you have to purchase bouquets (which aren’t cheap!) for these girls and coordinate additional things (it’s not just the dress!) like alterations, shoes, jewelry, hair and makeup! Do you want your bridal shower or bachelorette party to be pretty much a nightmare because you’re sharing these moments with people you can’t stand? Explain this to FI so he can get an understanding too because it sounds like he’s falling under the pressure too. Both of you have to take a stand TOGETHER now!
Post # 4
You don’t have to make anyone a bridesmaid that you do not want to. It is often seen as a nice gesture to include any sisters your FI has as bridesmaids as a nice gesture, but still not required. Never heard of a FMIL pushing to have cousins be bridesmaids, definitely not. Especially if they are children. Is there a reason your 5 year old cousin is a bridesmaid instead of a flower girl?
Post # 5
stick to the 3 girls that you want. don’t let your FI’s aunt have her children in your wedding when you don’t want them.
you could give them a job like handing out programs or something
Post # 6
@pixiecat: Thanks for responding. The problem is that FI’s family are very close to his cousins. They saw eachother a lot growing up and spend Christmas and Thanksgiving together. I said if he had a sister I would include her regardless of whether she liked me or not.
Post # 7
the answer is no, plain and simple. If they have talked crap about you for ages you’d be silly to think it will suddenly stop just because you put one or all of them in the wedding. It won’t change, situations where you bend like that won’t change the opinion and disdain they have for you so don’t so them ANY favors they didn’t earn. They don’t like you and make it known so why bother? The last thing you need is stress and worry on your wedding day and even before that if they start barking orders at you and I feel like if they are going to be a headache for you no matter what, you may as well leave them OUT of the wedding party.
Post # 8
That’s THEIR relationship not yours. Those are THEIR experiences, feelings and memories, not YOURS. It should have NOTHING to do with YOUR bridal party. If they love eachother so much, they will have to wait until their wedding days to include one another which BTW they probably wouldn’t include YOU in so do not let them pressure you into doing something you are against because when you look back on your wedding day you will be unhappy about that choice and when you look at the pictures you won’t be very happy. You don’t want to regret having people you dislike in your bridal party trust me.
Post # 9
@SaraBee105: Tell them you only want a small bridal party. Don’t give any other excuses, as that only gives people an opening to argue. Whatever you do, don’t mention age as a reason to exclude the 7 yr old. After all, you are having a 5 year old!
Post # 10
I agree with the others who told you to just say NO! However, your wedding is not for a year. One of the things I wish I had done was wait until the wedding date was a little closer before selecting my bridemaids. I am at the tail end of an 18-month engagement and things can change so much in that amount of time. Someone told me once that a good rule of thumb is to wait until you send out Save the Dates before you pick attendants, and I wish I had done that!
Plus, maybe if you tell your FI’s mom that you are waiting for a little while to pick your bridemaids it will allow some time for tensions to cool before you tell her “no way” on having your FI’s cousins in the wedding. Whatever you decide, it is YOUR WEDDING and having someone try to force people into your party is absurd!
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club
Please please please stick to what you want! Don’t let guilt or bulling make youchange your mind. I’m angry for you that they are trying to force there way into your bridal party.
Post # 12
Thanks for everyone replying. I have not told any of my BM’s that I would like them to be bridesmaid yet as I’d rather wait until closer to the date.
FI’s mother brought this up out of the blue one day and seeing as I knew I didn’t want his cousins involved in anyway whatsoever – I panicked about what to do. FMIL said that I should pick my BMs from both FI’s and my own side of the family to be fair. Is that etiquette?
I know they wouldn’t include me in their weddings nor would I want to be involved with someone that I didn’t like.
Post # 13
@SaraBee105: FMIL said that I should pick my BMs from both FI’s and my own side of the family to be fair. Is that etiquette?
NO NO NO.
No one gets to dictate who the bride chooses to stand with her except the bride.
Bridal parties have nothing to do with etiquette–at best, it has to do with tradition, but I’ve never heard of that. There is no “fair” in bridal parties, especially when someone is pushing you to choose someone, and doubly so when that person(s) is a huge twat to you.
Get used to this. Learn to say the phrase, “Thank you for your ideas, but we already have that settled,” and then change the subject immediately.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@SaraBee105: If you didn’t give in just explain I am sorry but I have already asked others to be a bridesmaids. I would suggest giving something like a reading for them to do or other role to keep the peace (while I am flattered that they want to be a part of the day, I already had a couple girls in mind, but I would love it if they would do a reading/whatever – be ever so sweet, and make it seem like they would be doing such a huge favour even though you wish the exact opposite). I don’t see why that should be a problem unless you have indicated in some fashion (or your FI) that these girls could be your bridesmaids. I also agree with PP in that perhaps making your 5 year-old cousin a flower girl instead (that way you don’t have any family as bridesmaids so it cannot be used as a weapon).
Post # 15
@SaraBee105: You really need to stand firm on this: “sorry, but I’ve already selected the bridesmaids. Thank you for the offer to pay for the dresses, but that will not be neccesary.”
Seriously: do not take any money from this aunt. ‘He who pays, has say.’ You do NOT want to have that hanging over your heard.
Like others have said: you need to be firm NOW or these people will walk all over you. They’re his COUSINS, not his *sister*.
Post # 16
@SaraBee105: No absolutely not. DH is very, very close to his first cousin, who could have been a junior bridesmaid, but we said absolutely not. She handed out programs.
I honestly would just have your 3 best friends and make the 5 year old a flower girl or something. As for the 7 year old they are pressuring you into having no. If you let them control this now, you will lose other aspects of your wedding too.