Help to keep peace over bridesmaid choices?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2962 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@SaraBee105:  Stick to what YOU want NOW or they will forever be making demands and it will slowly but surely become THEIR wedding and NOT YOURS! Trust me! I’ve been there! You’re the bride. Tell FI to tell them (DON’T tell them yourself!) you would rather keep the wedding party small and you only want the nearest and dearest by your side.

P.S. Remember you have to purchase bouquets (which aren’t cheap!) for these girls and coordinate additional things (it’s not just the dress!) like alterations, shoes, jewelry, hair and makeup! Do you want your bridal shower or bachelorette party to be pretty much a nightmare because you’re sharing these moments with people you can’t stand? Explain this to FI so he can get an understanding too because it sounds like he’s falling under the pressure too. Both of you have to take a stand TOGETHER now!

Post # 4
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You don’t have to make anyone a bridesmaid that you do not want to.  It is often seen as a nice gesture to include any sisters your FI has as bridesmaids as a nice gesture, but still not required.  Never heard of a FMIL pushing to have cousins be bridesmaids, definitely not.  Especially if they are children.  Is there a reason your 5 year old cousin is a bridesmaid instead of a flower girl?  

Post # 5
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

stick to the 3 girls that you want.  don’t let your FI’s aunt have her children in your wedding when you don’t want them.

you could give them a job like handing out programs or something

Post # 7
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

the answer is no, plain and simple. If they have talked crap about you for ages you’d be silly to think it will suddenly stop just because you put one or all of them in the wedding. It won’t change, situations where you bend like that won’t change the opinion and disdain they have for you so don’t so them ANY favors they didn’t earn. They don’t like you and make it known so why bother? The last thing you need is stress and worry on your wedding day and even before that if they start barking orders at you and I feel like if they are going to be a headache for you no matter what, you may as well leave them OUT of the wedding party.

 

Post # 8
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@SaraBee105

That’s THEIR relationship not yours. Those are THEIR experiences, feelings and memories, not YOURS. It should have NOTHING to do with YOUR bridal party. If they love eachother so much, they will have to wait until their wedding days to include one another which BTW they probably wouldn’t include YOU in so do not let them pressure you into doing something you are against because when you look back on your wedding day you will be unhappy about that choice and when you look at the pictures you won’t be very happy. You don’t want to regret having people you dislike in your bridal party trust me.

Post # 9
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SaraBee105:  Tell them you only want a small bridal party. Don’t give any other excuses, as that only gives people an opening to argue. Whatever you do, don’t mention age as a reason to exclude the 7 yr old. After all, you are having a 5 year old!

Post # 10
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with the others who told you to just say NO! However, your wedding is not for a year.  One of the things I wish I had done was wait until the wedding date was a little closer before selecting my bridemaids.  I am at the tail end of an 18-month engagement and things can change so much in that amount of time.  Someone told me once that a good rule of thumb is to wait until you send out Save the Dates before you pick attendants, and I wish I had done that! 

Plus, maybe if you tell your FI’s mom that you are waiting for a little while to pick your bridemaids it will allow some time for tensions to cool before you tell her “no way” on having your FI’s cousins in the wedding. Whatever you decide, it is YOUR WEDDING and having someone try to force people into your party is absurd!

Post # 11
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

Please please please stick to what you want! Don’t let guilt or bulling make youchange your mind. I’m angry for you that they are trying to force there way into your bridal party.
grrr

Post # 13
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SaraBee105:  FMIL said that I should pick my BMs from both FI’s and my own side of the family to be fair. Is that etiquette?

NO NO NO.

No one gets to dictate who the bride chooses to stand with her except the bride.

Bridal parties have nothing to do with etiquette–at best, it has to do with tradition, but I’ve never heard of that. There is no “fair” in bridal parties, especially when someone is pushing you to choose someone, and doubly so when that person(s) is a huge twat to you.

Get used to this. Learn to say the phrase, “Thank you for your ideas, but we already have that settled,” and then change the subject immediately.

Post # 14
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@SaraBee105:  If you didn’t give in just explain I am sorry but I have already asked others to be a bridesmaids. I would suggest giving something like a reading for them to do or other role to keep the peace (while I am flattered that they want to be a part of the day, I already had a couple girls in mind, but I would love it if they would do a reading/whatever – be ever so sweet, and make it seem like they would be doing such a huge favour even though you wish the exact opposite). I don’t see why that should be a problem unless you have indicated in some fashion (or your FI) that these girls could be your bridesmaids. I also agree with PP in that perhaps making your 5 year-old cousin a flower girl instead (that way you don’t have any family as bridesmaids so it cannot be used as a weapon).

Post # 15
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@SaraBee105:  You really need to stand firm on this: “sorry, but I’ve already selected the bridesmaids. Thank you for the offer to pay for the dresses, but that will not be neccesary.”

Seriously: do not take any money from this aunt. ‘He who pays, has say.’ You do NOT want to have that hanging over your heard.

Like others have said: you need to be firm NOW or these people will walk all over you. They’re his COUSINS, not his *sister*.

Post # 16
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@SaraBee105:  No absolutely not. DH is very, very close to his first cousin, who could have been a junior bridesmaid, but we said absolutely not. She handed out programs.

I honestly would just have your 3 best friends and make the 5 year old a flower girl or something. As for the 7 year old they are pressuring you into having no. If you let them control this now, you will lose other aspects of your wedding too.

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