Post # 1
Okay Bees… I have a dilemma.. Bad. My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do, I need some advice.
My fiance and I have been together for over three years now, been engaged for over two. We have been living together for almost two years now, and had our hearts set on getting married this December on 12/13/14. We just thought it was a cool date, on a good day, and that fits us. We planned on having a small wedding of just our close friends and family, but.. we have no money to get married with, as of right now at least. I don’t know exactly what the near future holds, but we are moving about 3 hours away from our families to a bigger city (Knoxville) with much more opportunity. We will have better jobs making more money, and also have a cheaper place to live and be able to pay less on utilities, etc.
Sitting down and talking to my family, which we had kindof relied on for help with paying for the wedding because his side isn’t able to at all, have recently and strongly pushed that we wait to get married. The reasons they are giving us is: (1) so that they can help us out more once they have more money coming in from my father’s job, (2) so that we have more time to plan and get everything ready, (3) so that he and I can get settled in our new “home” and go back and finish school, (4) so that when we go back and finish school we can get more help with Financial Aid and other aid if we need it, (5) because my mom wants us to get married closer to “home” where we are moving away from, because she doesn’t want to try to help plan from “so far” away.
I’m sure there’s more reasons too that I can’t think off right off and will remember later, but.. you get the jist of it.
So we are stuck.. or I am. My fiance still wants to get married this December and not wait, but in a way I feel that my family is right, but at the same time, I want to still get married too. I am so stressed out!! Help me Bees! What would you all do in this situation??
Post # 2
Well you can always do a justice of the peace wedding and a small dinner at a local restaurant after. Then you could do a ceremony/reception later when you have money if you want.
Otherwise, it seems you will have to wait. If you don’t have money and no one else can help (not that they have to), you really don’t have any other choice.
Post # 3
All of their reasons are justified besides #5. People plan weddings from far away all the time.
Do you mind if I ask how old you are? It sounds like your experience is there, but you mention finishing school.
But I agree with the PP, either do something really small now and something bigger (vow renewal) when you do have more money, or just wait.
Post # 4
121314BrideToBe: If you really want to get married and don’t care about the party or having any of the big ‘fancy’ wedding bobbles, go to the court house and get married.
If you want to have a big wedding, wait.
What’s more important? The party with everyone to see your wedding or a no fuss just you two wedding. That’s something only you can answer.
Post # 5
damarajade: I am 22 years old. I started school, went into a great nursing program and ended up getting very sick and had to quit, and in doing so, the school failed me in all of my classes because it was so late in the year that I couldn’t withdraw and I wouldn’t have enough time to makeup for clinicals either. It was really a bad situation that has completely ruined my GPA and I have been trying to take classes here and there to get my GPA back up, I just haven’t been able to afford a whole degree so far.
winterwoodlandbrid15: And we really don’t care about a huge party or anything. We just wanted a small wedding with close friends and family there to at least have some sort of “audience” as I call them, and to spend time with loved ones that truly wanted to be there and that we didn’t want to miss having there. We hadn’t really thought about doing the courthouse wedding, but that would be something to look into and then have an actual ceremony/reception later on
Post # 6
121314BrideToBe: It sounds like a courthouse wedding could suit you and your goals.
And good luck with school! It’s admirable that you are jumping back in with both feet 🙂
Post # 7
121314BrideToBe: You could have an intimate courthouse wedding followed by dinner out with your immediate family. It need not be any more expensive than any other dinner out.
Post # 8
121314BrideToBe: I might be the dissenting voice here, but if a wedding is going to decrease the amount of financial aid you’re able to get and you’re already struggling to find money to finish your degree then 100% wait.
You’re still young. Waiting a few years to get married shouldn’t make much of a difference in the relationship if you’re meant to be together. Waiting a few years to finish school and start a well-paying job will have much more of a negative impact on your life.
Does your SO need to finish school too?
Post # 9
MissMarple: Yes my SO needs to too. He was in school a few years back and had one semester left but his dad got cancer so he quit school to come back home and help take care of him.
Post # 10
If you’re not picky, just go to the courthouse and get hitched there. Usually it’s just the cost of the marriage license. If you can’t swing that cost, then you definitely need to wait.
Post # 11
Hyperventilate: No we can swing that cost. It’s the thousands of dollars that people are asking just to rent a venue for a few hours, and then the price of everything else piled on top of that. If I could find a place in Knoxville that is cheaper or free to use, that would be great! I feel like I have looked everywhere though and have had no luck at all.
Post # 12
121314BrideToBe: I’m so sorry that you and your Fiance have faced such difficulties. In thinking about this more thoroughly and not taking your family’s concerns in the OP at face value, I’m not sure how getting married would affect your financial aid situation negatively with regards to FAFSA because… 1) you’d become independent from your parents in FAFSA and 2) the fact that you and your Fiance are both students and will have no income should increase your financial aid options if that’s less well off than your parents are, right? Shouldn’t that maximize your financial aid options instead? I think you should talk to your school’s financial aid office and figure that out. Sorry to be so staunch about this.
I agree with PPs that if you wanted to get married now you could go the courthouse route and then have a big wedding/vow renewal later if you want to, when there’s money. There’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t seem that you can have the wedding you’re implying you want if there’s no money for that at this point in time. It’s just not prudent to go into debt over a big wedding, especially at the expense of sacrificing other things that are going to improve your future considerably, such as finishing your nursing degree and starting your career.
Keep it simple and keep in mind that it’s the marriage that matters most. My parents only ever had a small courthouse wedding followed by dinner out. They had no money for a big wedding and when they did have money there was always something else to do with it…buy things, travel, spend it on kids, etc. They’re still happy together almost 30 years later. I was recently telling my mom that I don’t think I’ll be able to afford the type of wedding I would ideally want. She reminded me that it’s not the wedding day that matters after so many years, it’s the marriage. Yes, big, expensive weddings can be nice, but at the end of the day what type of a wedding someone has has nothing to do with how the marriage will turn out.
Post # 13
121314BrideToBe: I would spend a lot of time thinking, find my truth, and live it. This is your story; decide how you want it to be written. The arguments for waiting make sense. If in your heart you need to be married asap, even though you’ll be together either way, have a small wedding you can afford and a huge party later on.
Post # 14
121314BrideToBe: Wait. Finish school.
12/13/14 isn’t worth your livelihood. FWIW it’ll be 13.12.14 in most of the world (date.month.year).
Post # 15
I agree with PP that financial aid can be affected by being married. A friend literally considered getting divorced (just in the legal sense) so that she could get more help to finish school. I would look into the consequences getting married could have on your eligibility for financial aid. Sorry, I know that’s not a great reason to decide whether or not to get married, but if I were you I would rather know going into it, instead of it becoming an unpleasant surprise!