Post # 1
Okay so I’m back and forth between DW and home wedding.
DW will be WAY more affordable but my entire side of the family probably won’t come and I’m upset about that because they could save for it but won’t (I know they won’t as they’re terrible with their money). They lived for years on just my dad’s income and now my mom has a job too and now all of a sudden they’ve bought me and my sisters ereaders, my grandma a tablet, my mom joined a gym so of course I’m upset because they know my wedding is coming up and I’m just sitting there thinking there goes $50 a month, there goes $500 for this and that and everything.
FI keeps getting angry with me for b*ching about it and honestly I shouldn’t care but now they’re guilting me about wanting to go away and FI just keeps saying to me we should just pay for them and be done with it but I don’t want to. If I go away it’s to SAVE money not spend it.
Anyways if I stay here I’m looking at an easy $25,000 on my wedding and this is because of FI. He refuses to have anything but an open bar because he thinks everything else is ‘tacky’ and it’s not up for discussion. He wants a plated meal (I would like this too however am not opposed to family style), he wants it on a Saturday, he wants a limo, he wants ALL THESE THINGS that are raising the price.
Bees I’m getting frustrated. WHY can’t we have a split bar where wine and beer are free and we have a couple signature cocktails? FI just recently gave up alcohol because he has no control when he gets going so NEITHER OF US will be drinking and no one in our families are big drinkers but his friends are dumb and drink themselves stupid.
I’m just starting to get frustrated because now he’s getting mad at me for wanting this and other things. I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH.
The DW over-estimate for 30 people (which if my family doesn’t come will turn into 10 max) is $12,000 for the wedding plus transportation and our accomodations and food. That’s WAY less. In the home budget we’re looking at just that for food and alcohol!
Post # 3
I’m hating the whole process of this and that shouldn’t be the case. But I really don’t want to go into debt for a beautiful day..
Post # 4
I felt the same way when we were discussing our budget… I wanted a small wedding in order to save money and have it be intimate, but my fiance wanted the standard big blowout wedding because he is incapable of envisioning something outside the norm. So instead we’re having a big expensive wedding and I’m working full-time, going to school part-time, and working part-time, in order to make it all work for the big wedding. I won’t lie, I have some resentment sometimes, but in the end I know it will be worth it. I also knew a DW would mean my family wouldn’t be able to be there, and that was important to me, so we’re having a wedding at home. I think it will be worth the extra money later. I hope you find the same! However, I will say I think you should try to lessen the alcohol costs if most guests won’t be drinking… try for a BYOB venue maybe? that way you only pay for what you want to supply.
Post # 5
If he wants a big wedding and you don’t then let HIM plan it. I bet after talking to a few venues around here he’ll change his mind pretty quick! As for your family…there is nothing you can do about that. I certainly wouldn’t pay for them! We are having a DW to help save in costs as well and if people choose not to come then it’s their loss.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2015 - Historic Chapel
Honestly I think that your wedding day is supposed to be all about you not anyone else! You should do whatever you heart desires after all this is your day not anyone elses, so dont let them influence you into what they want(this happens to so many brides!) and regarding the money issue if you FI wants such a big wedding with so many thing you feel are unnecessary than I say you let him pay everything that is extra that you feel like you don’t need and then we’ll see if he rather have a big wedding or a small wedding!
Post # 7
Sounds to me like you will both have to compromise… Your suggestion for the bar was a valid one, I am surprised he didn’t budge on that.
How about you ask him for a top 3: 3 things that are must haves. And you may also pick a top 3 (some of them might be the same as your FI 😉
If you guys are wanting to do this on a budget, which is smart because these things get out of hand FAST – I had a budget and still managed to blow it, like by thousands of dollars… :(, you (he) will have to realize that you can’t have EVERYTHING.
Honestly, all of it is fluff. The wedding industry implants in our minds what we think we need for the perfect wedding day, when in reality, you know what you want and need to make YOUR day special. The wedding industry wants you to spend as much as possible. By going against the grain A LITTLE, your wedding will stand out and reflect who you two are as a couple.
Good luck hun! Hope I was helpful, even if it was just a little lol
Post # 8
@O.My.Heart: Thank you! I know, I’m suprised he won’t either. He has some really stupid preconceived notions of what MUST BE in a wedding and it’s grinding on me that he won’t budge.
I’ve given up a lot of things already but he won’t budge
Post # 9
A few thoughts:
1. You can’t control how your family spends their money. They’re adults and they’re entitled to make their own choices. Your FI is 100% in the right on this. You can’t force other people to change, and whining about it to your FI is obnoxious. Decide how you are going to act, knowing what you do about your family’s spending habits, and then drop the subject for good.
2. Both of you need to learn to compromise. If saving money and having your family present are the most important things to you, perhaps you should suck it up and pay to have your family attend, or cover some component of the cost such as accommodations. (How much would this add to the cost?) Likewise, if a wedding with all the trappings is really so important to your FI, then maybe he needs to agree to a small (say, 60 person) wedding to keep costs down.
3. Going into debt for a wedding is the worst thing you could possibly do. Not only is it a foolish way to spend your money, but debt places a huge strain on a marriage. In fact, a couple’s financial situation at the time of marriage is one of the strongest predictors of marital success. Divorce rates for couples with under $10,000 in assets at the beginning of their wedding are vastly higher than for those with healtheir financial footing.
Post # 10
@Blonde17Jess: We are trying to find suitable inexpensive venues that allow us to provide our own alcohol for sure.
@Luayne: @Jennifferq: I think I’ll talk to him tonight and tell him HE can plan it and try to keep it under $15,000 but I told him already the ceremony venue is $700 and my dress will be around $1,000 and we can’t find a photographer for less than $2,500 so he’s already almost at $5,000…
I’ve told him WHY do we need to have steak anyways, most people are picky with steak. Just offer chicken and be done with it. ARGH I’m going to get a stress ulcer
Post # 11
@kayberry: I wouldn’t pay for your family. Eeek.
I would have a serious chat with him. Does he have a clue what it all adds up to?
What future goals do you have? If you want to buy a house, have a baby, go on holidays… and so on, how does spending $25K on a wedding affect those plans?
I know that for some people the wedding IS the most important thing, but for others it is not. For us, the wedding is extremely low on the priority list. Engagement ring comes first.. then things like vacations do. Sacrificing a lot for ONE day doesn’t make a lot of sense.. especially since you’re against it.
Post # 12
I also mentioned having a knockoff dress made and he said NO. I mentioned buying a used one and he said NO.
Post # 13
He needs to compromise on something. Getting married on a Friday usually saves a lot of money (depending on the venue) and that way he could still get most of the other things he wants. We’re getting married on a Thursday (ugh. Not because of money and not my first choice), but we are saving a ton with all of our vendors.
Having a smaller wedding also allows for you to be more lavish without such crazy costs, so maybe consider cutting the guest list? We’re having an open bar because it was included in our package, but I think a free beer and wine bar is just fine honestly.
Post # 14
@adoc86: So far I’ve talked to my family about the bar and they’re all fine with that too! I don’t get why we HAVE to have a full open bar. Why does it matter that much?
I’d like to do a Friday but I think he doesn’t want to because everyone would feel the need to have to take that day off work but they wouldn’t have to (I’d plan it so it would be after work hours) and then they’d complain. He would also have to take time off.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@kayberry: Sit him down and show him the two budgets side by side. My FH wanted the big elaborate wedding (200+ guests at the country club) too while I wanted to elope. He had no idea what it would cost so I sat him down and starting going through the budgets. I also said that if wanted to spend the extra money that he was going to have to come up with it because my family already paid for my first wedding and won’t be paying for my second. Once he saw and heard that he quickly agreed to the more modest budget for an intimate wedding (50 guests on the beach.)
Post # 16
@canarydiamond: We just bought a house in January. YES he’s seen me add it up to $30k! And I know he doesn’t want to spend that either! But we want to have kids, he wants to get all new updated windows for our house ($12,000) and other things.