Post # 1
My soon-to-be brother in law (read: best man) just broke up with his girlfriend of less than 1 year. I’m having a small, family wedding, about 35 people, and honestly, with a crowd so intimate, she’s going to stick out like a sore thumb. I wasn’t even comfortable with her being his +1 BEFORE they broke up, because at the time of the RSVP they’d only been dating a few months.
Selfishly, I don’t want this person I’ve never met, who now has NO ties to my family or my soon-to-be family, coming this wedding, or showing up in the pictures… but she’s already booked her flight, as the date is less than a month away.
Last I heard, she still has every intention of attending.
What can I reasonably do to keep this from happening???
Post # 3
@EveVee: What a weirdo! Why would she want to attend the wedding after she broke up with the best man? That is so uncomfortable.
Post # 4
Why the heck would she want to fly to an out of town wedding of her EX-boyfriend, who won’t even have time to hang out with her because he’s busy being IN a wedding??
I would speak to BIL and have him put his foot down about her attending. Tell her that he thinks they need to sever ties and have no contact for closure or whatever… Even if it means he has to reimburse her for the cost of flights – that’s the cost of a breakup. This seems like a desperate attempt to get him back perhaps??
Post # 5
Well your future brother in law is not telling the whole truth here. She would not be attending this wedding just to be off her rocker. He broke up with her, correct? Seems to me he is telling her “he wants” her there, even if he doesn’t mean it, he needs to tell her she is no longer invited and reimburse her for her cost. Don’t blame her blame him.
Post # 6
@SapphireSun: I heard she called my wedding a “vacation” before the breakup, so I’m assuming she’s tagging along as “a friend” to cash in her scheduled getaway.
And she didn’t even pay for the tickets, my MIL did. Nonrefundable, as I understand it. Secretly, I think everyone’s afraid of telling the BM that he has to come alone. Like buying a present for both kids even though it’s only one of their birthday’s.
I want her OUT, but I’m afraid pushing the issue will cause last minute friction between me and my MIL… not to mention my fiance who I’m sure will let her come just to avoid the potential fit his brother might have.
PS – His brother is 35.
Post # 7
It could be that she’s still planning on going for the “vacation” destination but not planning on actually attending the wedding itself.
Post # 8
@EveVee: Notify the people at your venue that she is not to enter your ceremony or reception site. If she arrives, she will be escored out. Show them a photo of her, give them her name, and have them handle it discreetly. I had to take similar measures and it was completely within reason for the venue to manage the situation. You might even enlist a “greeter” at the entrance of your celebration to welcome guests and if they see her, they can alert your coordinator or security. They should be able to manage this without you knowing it even happened until after the fact.
Post # 9
Are you sure they are really broken up, or one of those couples who break up just to get back together in a week?
Post # 10
If it was me I’d call her, play nieve by believing she’d want to not attend the wedding by saying “I’m so sorry to hear that you and ______ are no longer together and I understand why you wouldn’t want to attend our wedding. I mean it would be so awkward. I’m sure you’re going to still fly out since the tickets are non-refundable, have you made any plans yet”? If she says she plans to still come to the wedding I would express my “concern” for her feeling of being out of place and steer her clear of being put in a situation of being emotionally upset. If she insists that she’s still attending I’d flat out say “When you and ____ broke up I assumed you wouldn’t want to inject your presence into a situation where there might be tension so I’m asking you to do the respectful thing by declining the invite. This is a very special time for us and we’d like to celebrate it with immediate family”.
if you truly don’t want her to upset the dynamics of the guests attending then I feel you have every right no ask her not to attend. You can be as polite as possible but bottom line, you don’t have to be if she’s going to insist.
Post # 11
No, she moved out recently. I think it’s over — or at least over enough. Whether or not they get back together a million times. My fiance and I couldn’t even invite most of our friends because we decided on such an intimate wedding. I was super uncomfortable with her coming even before this mess — we told all our friends (the few that made the cut) NOT to bring +1 unless they’d been together for at least 1 year! Of course we made an exception for my BIL, and I was so afraid this was going to happen… I told my fiance that I didn’t like the idea of his GIRLFRIEND who I didn’t know coming to the wedding, much less and EX!
Sorry, I’m just furious right now and venting up a storm.
@CornFlakeGirl: I wish I could have a door minder, but we’re super low budget and anyway it’s going to be at a friend’s house. Point is, I think my BIL is perfectly comfortable with her tagging along because he just doesn’t want to go stag.
I’m thinking I might gently suggest to my MIL to request that she pay back at least a portion of the ticket and make a trip out of it. Come enjoy the city… somewhere else. I can’t even say anything to her personally because I have never spoken to this person before in my life.
If she comes, she will literally be the only person there I don’t know (with the exception of the 2 waitstaff we hired).
Post # 12
I would ask BIL to ask her not to come to the wedding as it isn’t appropriate anymore and will most likely put a damper on everyone’s night. I think if she wants to use her ticket she should just fly out there and spend time doing other thing if it means that much to her.
Post # 13
Also, we’re having 4 days of events. If she comes and hangs out, she won’t just make the wedding awkward, but the bach party, the rehersal dinner, the post wedding breakfast….. Where is she supposed to go during the bachelorette party?! She can’t stay with the boys… So that leaves my festivities.
And I forgot! she’s supposed to be staying at my in-laws’ house!
I want her OUT!
Post # 14
If they are really broken up she is not going to show up anyways. If she shows up and BIL doesn’t mind her company they are at least banging.
I think you are spending too much time on this and you should just let it go, it will probably work itself out. There’s no need to get in FI’s families business unless you really think this girl is a loon and is going to cause a scene.
Post # 15
@mishagirls79: Agreed. Have FI talk to his brother and shut it down.
Post # 16
@EveVee: Than un invite her, this is your future BIL’s ex. its your wedding, be super blunt and say I’m sorry you are no longer invited. End of story