Hi Bees,
Let me start by saying that I don't have anything against people who play video games, but I personally don't like them. At all. Especially shoot em up games. Whenever FI and I come to my parents home for the weekend (usually once a month since they live fairly close), FI and my brother (freshman in high school), spend a lot of time together playing xbox. I don't particularly like this because I lose FI for hours on end and get lonely (often at night when my parent have gone to bed), but I'm thrilled they get along so well and want them to bond.
Well, my brother got my FI an xbox for christmas. And I am so upset! I'm surprised by how upset I am and actually started crying which I never, never do. I know my brother wants them to be able to play together online, which is nice, but I'm terrified of him getting "addicted" to them like so many other guys I know. I always said I would never want to be in a relationship with a heavy video game player because I cannot stand it.
Before we lived together FI played a Playstation a lot, which wasn't a huge deal because well we didn't live together. However, there was one time I drove 2 hours to see him on my bday, he answered the door in his sweatpants, gave me a kiss, then sat back down on the couch and kept playing video games for an hour. I know it was 2 years ago but I was crushed and can't stop thinking about it now that he has his new system. He had matured a lot and realizes now that he was being extremely inconsiderate.
My main concern I guess is losing our time together. We are both busy and I barely see him during the week. We both work full one plus i have class 1 night/week, he has class 2 nights/week and he has choir practice one night per week. I really value the one we have together and dread it being consumed by video games. :(
What makes me really upset is that my brother said to him yesterday smirking, "holly probably wont like the gift I got you." And my parents both knew I would be upset too, but no one said anything to me.
The other issue is the money aspect. FI says this doesn't have to cost us money but he obviously is going to need more than one controller and game. He even said the spare tv we have (where he would play since it doesn't get cable and we only have 1 with cable) is too old and he would want to get a nicer tv to be able to play. We do not have the money. We now have credit card debt due to Xmas, just got his car out of the shop Friday with an $800 bill, and are trying to save for our wedding.
I just don't know what to do. FI said he will return it but I know that he wants to keep it. I feel like a b**** for feeling this way and making him feel bad about it unintentionally, but I can't help how I feel :( I know it's a nice gift, but it's just making me feel awful. I hate feeling this way on Christmas :(
I don't blame you for being upset. I had a bf who was addicted to video games a few years ago, and I definitely felt lonely and neglected a lot of the time. After that relationship, I swore that I would never want to be with anyone who loved video games. Luckily my FI doesn't like video games at all.
The only advice I can really give you now is to set up strict boundaries regarding how much time and when the video games can be played.
Honey, I'm sorry it upset you but it's a very lovely and expensive gift. And if your FI likes to play I honestly see no problem. We all have our escapes, after all we can't focus on each other all of the time, can we? Mr. 99 loves to play, and he plays a lot, but I'm not losing him, he's having fun and I get to relax, read, paint my toenails and work on projects. Be happy that he's happy, and have a merry Christmas!
I assume your FI is a relatively responsible adult and you have to trust that he can act like that and know when and when not to play. You can talk about t your concerns but giving him a bedtime for the game like his mom is just going to breed resentment and not good for your relationahip. He wants a SO not another mom.
I think this is good advice.
I agree with you that heavy video game addiction would be a deal-breaker. Any form of heavy addiction would be a deal breaker.
OP, set some boundaries/guidelines/expectations with your FI and see how he does with that. Don't panic until you give him a chance. But based on his past behavior, I think you are wise to be concerned that this could get out of control. I wouldn't ask him to give the gift back, but do stick to your guns and let him know that if he starts tuning you out and becoming obsessed with playing the games to the point that it is detrimental to your relationship, that you won't stand for that.
You don't have to order him around and tell him what to do, but you can stick up for yourself and let him know that you will not put up with certain things. Good luck!
I completely understand. My fiance has been into video games on & off over the years. We used to joke about the his zombie face after he'd play for a while, but it would seriously take him about 30 minutes to start looking normal again!! We ended up having a few serious conversations about me feeling neglected or ignored and eventually we set boundaries, like he would have to stop playing 15 minutes after I came home & not play when we were spending time together or even really when we were home together. He stays up much later than I do, so I could care less about him turning into a zombie once I go to bed.
It sounds like him being willing to return it means that he cares a lot & obviously cares more about you than the video games. If you told him to keep it if he was willing to set boundaries, that would be a huge gesture coming from you & he would probably be more than willing to work with you around those boundaries. You could figure out what you want those boundaries to be and what makes sense for both of you & maybe you can agree that if it doesn't work, he puts it up on ebay or something. Also, considering he knows where you're coming from, you being that generous about it gives you a lot of power in the situation; not only will that make you feel like you're able to speak up about your feelings, but you'll also feel empowered knowing that your the one who made the choice to keep it. It may feel a little different than him going out and buying it himself.
While I can completely understand how frustrating it can be, I also think that a mature couple that's ready to get married can work through this. It sounds to me like there's a little more to it than just the video games. It brings you back to that place a few years ago where you felt neglected & that is totally reasonable. I think we all have things that trigger those old feelings. But I also think if you're open and honest about your feelings & he is more polite this time, it may actually strengthen your relationship.
My fiance & I have been together over 9 years. We went through a bad video game patch. We talked about it, worked through it, and it's not an issue at all anymore. It sounds like you're in a caring, loving relationship too & I have faith that you can get through it. Good luck!! Let us know what you end up doing & how it goes over time ;)
Thank you to those that have responded. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. My FI is the sweetest guy ever and never wants to do anything to upset me. He actually takes this to an extreme and often feels the need to ask "permission" for crazy things (ie. "do you mind If I go call my dad?") I'm the one to remind HIM that he is an adult as doesn't need to ask my permission for things. Drives me a little nuts sometimes actually... But so he saw me get upset when he unwrapped the present and I know if I said I didn't want him to keep it that he would give it away, no questions asked. But I want him I make his own decision and keep it if he wants because he is an adult and allowed to have his own interests and hobbies.
We started talking about boundaries and initially he just wanted me to tell him what I was okay with, but I really want him to come up with something he thinks is fair and talk about it with me. I think we can probably come to a reasonable agreement, but I want it to be somethig he came up with.
I just grieve a little about how I think this will probably change our relationship. I know myself, know I have a low tolerance for video games, and know I will probably feel resentful towards them. But I'm willing to try to put my emotions in check and work out a system that works for us both. Any other advice would be greatly appreciated.
Going to try to get over this and enjoy the rest of my day. merry chrismtas!
just want to say that I TOTALLY understand and would have the same reaction. I really hate video games :( Very glad we don't have a console, and I would be pissed if someone gave us one!
@amayansong- thank you so much for your post. It was exactly what I needed to hear and very well written.
@Nona99: +1 - Plus limiting the "play time" is just going to make you sound parental and it sounds as if he is drifting into that type of relationship (asking permission to call his dad)
I actually totally sympathize. Prior to our wedding my husband lived in New York in an apartment with all his friends, and every night was a party. They had a 42 inch TV with a nice Xbox and controllers for pretty much everyone. He absolutely loves playing video games, and used to have an Xbox himself (it's broken and old).
Well when we got married and moved in together I knew it was important to my husband that he have a nice TV (we only have one) so we got a great deal on a 42 inch from Brandsmart that is HD. Same TV he had in his man apartment, so he felt great about it. Then he started complaining about the Xbox. I didn't want to get him one primarily for financial reasons, but I also felt like, we're going to be TTC soon and while I don't technically have anything against men loving to play video games, the expense and time that he will sit playing video games will be better spent acting like a mature adult! When our children are babies he will definitely not have all this time in the world to sit around playing video games, and by the time his boys (hopefully!) are old enough to play video games with him (non-violent, of course) 15 new Xbox's will have been invented!
Well after making this point over and over again for about a year, I finally got him one for his brithday this year. I found it on eBay for $159. While we can't afford games, he had one from his previous Xbox and my dad got him a gift certificate for his birthday to Best Buy so he got a basketball game. Let me elaborate a little on why I decided to get this for him.
He has done a lot of growing up in the past year of our marriage (plus engagment before then). You know, he was "ready" for marriage before we got married, but I think the responsibility and expectations really did hit him hard once we moved in together and started our everyday lives. He moved here to be with me from out of state, didn't have a job and kind of had to jump from place to place before now finally settling in with something that can be long-term. That was very overwhelming and stressful for him, as well as a blow to the ego a little bit. I guess I started to feel like he really was responsible enough to balance aspects of his "bachelor life" with his new "married life."
I kind of started to feel that since he spends so much time watching sports anyway (his passion), what's the difference if he's playing video games during that time or watching TV? Here's the part where we created boundaries though: he doesn't get 2 hours of watching basketball, and then another 2 hours of playing basketball. He gets 2 hours. What he chooses to do during that time is up to him. The same goes for me with my down time. Sort of like, when we both get home from work we want to spend time with each other but we also have down time that we want to spend as individuals doing what makes us happy. We don't have kids yet, and so we can kind of take time for ourselves at night as individuals to relax. If I choose to go on Weddingbee during this time, or watch Gossip Girl, read or whatever that's my business. Consequently, my husband can play video games, watch sports, etc. We can also chill in the same room doing our own individual activities. I'm happy to let him get some of this gaming out of his system before we have kids, and since I see that he is taking the boundaries seriously, I now know that it will not take a toll once I get pregnant and we have a child.
Let me know if you have any more questions or anything about this whole "gaming" thing that guys seem to so ardently love. It's a little comical how controversial this subject can be bewteen men and women, but if you communicate clearly and effectively and have a healthy dialogue about it, then it certainly doesn't need to become a thorn in the side of your relationship.
I just wanted to add that it should be noted that our boundaries are not "limits," but rather apply to both of us and form a structure around when we spend time focusing on each other and when we spend time focusing on our own wants/needs. My husband certainly doesn't want to feel neglected by me when I'm on Weddingbee or watching girly shows, and I certainly don't want to feel neglected by him when he's playing video games or watching football. By making the conversation "equal," in that it isn't just all about him and his gaming time, we came to a really great compromise where I don't feel like the Xbox is taking over our lives.
@hollyberry4: One why will he need a second controler if you are not going to play with him? Friends that want to play will most likly have their own controler they can use. Two he doesnt have to buy games. He can rent from game fly. Three how do you know that he is going to use your togeather time to play?
FI and I are both gamers, him more than me. When he does play when I am home, I am sitting on the couch playing on my laptop, reading my books or just watching him play. We both have full time jobs and I take a class or two here and there. He uses time that he is alone to play the majority of his gaming hours. We have an xbox, wii, and ps3. We buy our games used and have never paid more than $15 for them when we do buy them. Gamefly is our main go to for games.We game maybe two to three hours total when we are togeather.
My point is, gaming to us is relaxing, its fun, but it does not have to be our everything. You cant predict that it is going to be the same sort of thing it is at your parents house. Ever think that maybe he gets all wrapped up in it cause its something he doesnt get to do often? You cant address a problem that isnt there. Let him have his fun and if it comes to the point of which you feel he spends too much time with it, then you talk to him about it.
My FI used to be addicted to playing computer games (World of Warcraft and Diablo II). It got to the point where I would be sitting alone for hours after work, ignoring me, and not listening to me. I got fed up one day and had a talk with my FI (then boyfriend) about how his gaming was affecting my life and our relationship. He never realized how plugged-in he was, and actually broke his game cd's in half and canceled his online accounts.
After about a year, he bought a new gaming system, and we made some 'rules' about his gaming. He agreed he would only play when I'm at work, or when we had some time at home when we weren't doing anything, and didn't want to watch anything on tv. So far, it's been a lot better and controlled than it used to be. He asks if I mind if he plays first, before just turning it on and tuning me out. Also, he offers to let me play, even though I can't because it gives me headaches.
My advice to you is to set up guidelines for gaming in the house, so he can still play, but it doesn't take over the quality time you two spend with each other. Perhaps your FI and your brother can have several playdates online a week, so they still get to play but don't play 24/7? I think you have to give him a chance to prove that he can handle it. If it gets out of hand, then pull the plug.
My fiance loves his video games but, as @mojoh said, him playing gives me time to do other things. I love him, but I can't picture doing everything together, so when he plays video games, I'll read a book or muck around with my laptop, or even go out for a walk. I think it's perfectly healthy to have different interests as long as they don't take over all your time together.
I understand your uneasiness completely. Things from the past like that make me nervous too. I would say let him know that you don't want it to come to be a problem with time/money things. Don't set rules or limits, but let him know that you are worried that it will have an adverse effect on your relationship and that you are happy he has something to keep him happy and to unwind, but that you have misgivings. I think if he is ready to be married and in a serious relationship he'll take your worries to heart and not get carried away. If he does a bit you should only need remind him of you initial worries and he should respect them. I too am going through something like this...but more with respect to how we might raise any children we have. I'm trying to take my own advice and not throw down the gauntlet and just work it out like adults and not treat him like a child....It is so hard though because these are very real worries that you (and I) are going through and it seems easy to just dismiss them or say "I'm being silly/crazy/demanding".
I also think many people don't realize how much time is wasted playing/fbooking/surfing the net these days...truly sad.
Thanks guys. We are still undecided about what we are going to do. I've continued to feel awful. I'm mostly hurt that my brother and mom didn't say anything to me beforehand even though they said they knew I might be upset. FI says he'd rather just return it because he doesn't want me to be upset and it's not THAT big of a deal to him. I know he really wants it though. Pretty much a lose-lose. Really through a wrench into our whole day. I'm upset Xmas was basically ruined because of this. My mom is mad because "she doesn't see what the big deal is. She has friends whose husbands play and they don't care." :(
If Christmas was "ruined" because of this, YOU did it. There is no good reason on this earth Christmas should have been ruined because your boyfriend got an X-Box for Christmas. I've got to agree with the others, this is sounding very parental and he's going to resent you to the hills for this. WE don't need to make a decision over HIS Christmas present. He was given something he would enjoy. YOU don't enjoy it, so don't use it, but let the MAN have his toy. No one needed to consult you, these were adults buying another adult a gift. Consulting is what an adult does when someone wants to buy their CHILD a gift.
Are you saying that had they asked you, you would have really said... don't buy him that??? Do you not see the problem here?
I agree with mojoh, he's not going to have to buy another controller or games. He can rent from gamefly, and that's cheap. And just because he has the xbox doesn't mean he'll get addicted to it.
I was never a fan of video games, I didn't hate them and they didn't piss me off, but I wasn't interested. But my brother gave him his Playstation and it sat at my house, untouched, for almost a year. On Black Friday, FH bought a video game and he asked me if I'd like to play, and I actually liked it. We both play now, but gaming doesn't cut into our time together. We're both responsible enough not to let gaming consume us, and I imagine your FH is too. And like others have said, when FH plays, I have time to get things done that I need to do.
I wouldn't insist that he return the system, because hey, it's a nice and expensive present. I would simply discuss your concerns with him and go from there.
My fiance is a gamer, and honestly I think that if they bother you, let him know: but also TRUST that he is mature enough to play them only occassionally and that he won't become addicted. There are lots of videogames out there other than shooters, and just because Batman plays videogames does NOT mean our relationship ever suffers! In fact, it means that we both have time to do our own activities (as mentioned above).
When we first started dating, I sometimes didn't have things to do when he played games, and I hated watching them--I wasn't disgusted by them, but they were SO boring. That's one of the reasons I started blogging! It helped me discover a hobby I love that he doesn't get at all, and now I go on Weddingbee or blog while he games. Perfect compromise.
Throughout your (hopefully long, prosperous) life as a couple, you are going to have different interests. LOTS of guys (and girls!) play videogames and they VERY RARELY destroy any sort of relationship! It's an awesome gift, he can rent games, and as long as he doesn't go into any future debt for them I really can't see why it would be a long-term problem. If he does begin to be addicted, then you might have a problem: but that's like fearing if someone buys your guy a drink, he will automatically become an alcoholic.
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm insensitive: I'm truly not. But in my experience, I really do think that this is a problem that can be overcome--and if you make him return it, I think it's just going to make your relationship worse (or, I know it would make ours worse!).
Good God, don't you ever do things he is not interested in? You don't have any hobbies or things you do alone to relax? He is a grown man, let him spend his free time the way he wants.
i get where you are coming from. My SO plays video games entirely too much. But at the end of the day he's a grown man, and I'm not going to make decisions about his hobbies. I'm not his mother. When I want to spend time with him I tell him, and he makes it happen. I refuse to tell him what to do with his free time. He's allowed to pursue his own personal interests, and its not my place to put boundaries on them.
Instead of telling him when NOT to play his game (what PPs have advised), tell him when you would like him to spend time with you.
We decided to give it a shot. Just to be clear the concern was that he DID neglect me for them in the past (ie playing them for hours, playing them on my birthday w/o taking me out or getting me so much as a cake) so I feel my waryness is justified. We are setting up some ground rules that we are BOTH comfortable with, and see how it goes from there.
And I NEVER even brought up the idea of him returning in. It was him who brought it up many times and me who told him not to give it away.
I'm surprised I got so many rude responses when I said nothing rude myself, but was obviously just upset looking for support/advice, but okay.
And it was not an adult buying him the present, it was a 15 year old boy. It would have been nice if they would have at least given me a heads up because they knew I would be upset. Then I could have gotten used to the idea instead of being surprised Christmas morning.
I do not wish to be his parent, and I know full well he is an adult and can do what he wants, but this IS something that affects both of us and that we have talked about due to the history. It IS a big deal to me because it's something that had caused us some trouble in the past when we didn't even live together, and I really don't want it to affect our relationship now. But I think we will be able to approach it like adults and work it out.
How old are you 2 that he's so chummy with a 15 year old and how did a 15 year old get enough money to buy his sister's boyfriend an XBox? What did he buy your parents, a car?
If it truly was a 15 year old that bought the XBox, my bigger issue is that he bought such an extravaggant and expensive gift for someone who isn't even related to him.
@hollyberry4: I get where you're coming from, but as long as you two can figure out a compromise I see no reason why this should be a big deal. I agree with letting him decide what's fair- it will make him feel like he has a say, rather than you trying to be his mother. it does suck that he ignored you once, and it was rude and hurtful, but it was also two years ago and he is genuinely sorry. I think you can't really hold that against him anymore and you should give him another chance. That being said, I'm gonna toss my experiences and two cents out there.
Honestly, my SO is huge into video games. When I would go stay with him while he lived with his best friends and their parents, I would sit down and read (occasionally the mom would let me borrow a new release I hadn't gotten my hands on yet, since we're both avid readers) while he and his friends played Skyrim to their heart's content. Instead of seeing his playing time as time taken away from you, see it as time you get for yourself. Take a bubble bath with a good book or do your nails; bake cookies or try a new recipe. Use his video game time as time to do something you enjoy, too.
Maybe you could try playing video games with him? I know a lot of girls are automatically like, "No way, I don't play video games," but hear me out. You don't have to become an avid gamer or anything, just ask him to show you the ropes. My SO has gotten me addicted to Diablo 3, and he picked out one of his Christmas video games with me in mind. You don't have to be good at them (in fact, I suck), but the fact that you tried will mean the world to him. And he'll probably think it's kinda cute when you ask for help; just try not to get frustrated and remember it's supposed to be fun. (Of course, you know your SO better than I do, so if this isn't something you think he'd like, then you don't have to).
Also, you need to address the money issue and the issue of him spending all of his time with your little brother when you visit family. Yes, he will need more games or a way to rent them. Maybe make a deal that he can buy a new game or rent a game using __ amount of money for every __ amount of debt you pay off or after every __ amount that you put back in savings. And you can also buy a new book or a new outfit or get your nails done, just so it's completely fair. But you two definitely HAVE to be on the same page money-wise. As far as him spending all of his time with your little brother, it's rude, not just of him, but of your little brother too. I'd suggest limiting him to an hour or two per visit (depending on how long your visits are) so he's not being antisocial. If he wants to play video games with your little brother, they need to learn to make a guy's day just for that instead of ignoring you and your family during what should be family time.
Hopefully you two can address all of these issues in a way that satisfies both of you!!!
Ok this is ALL over the place.
I think you're getting rude responses because the way in which you worded your original post makes you sound controlling.
I think the money issue is just something you're bringing up to justify your feelings. I don't buy it (no pun intended).
Also, it is highly insulting to throw around the term "addicted." Addiction is a serious disease; if you think your FI is capable of easily getting "addicted" to this, then he's got some pretty big problems other than just wanting to play video games. Maybe you should focus on that instead.
If he's ditched you in the past to play video games, that's sh*tty, and I'd totally be pissed off too, BUT hopefully he's learned his lesson and he'll never do it again. But if that's the OOOONNNNLY thing he's ever done wrong, honey you've got it GOOD.
There are a lot of fun multi-player games that you two can play TOGETHER. Or even if the game isn't multi-player, you can take turns.
Playing games together is fun because some areas of the game are challenging and you help eachother figure out puzzles, beat up bad guys, and win the game together. There are moments that induce epic high-fives and fits of laughter. I think you should give it a shot.
"Guidelines" is just a nice, fluffy word that other women here are using to make themselves feel less dictatorial. In other words, "Guidelines" = rules. If a grown man has to follow/obey rules from his significant other, you've now turned into a Mom. There's no getting around that. Sorry.
Again, if you think he has a true addiction, maybe he should be looking into him getting help. If you've accidentally thrown around that word carelessly, maybe you should look into loosening up.
I am a hardcore gamer, but this would still annoy me. Tell him you would appreciate it if he not play during your time together, he is free to play during any other time.
15 year old is my brother ... Parents helped him with money for Xmas gifts..... Time to go get many drinks!
And thanks for the additional input. I do appreciate those who took the time to reply. I think emotions were running high today! Holidays an the start of your period will do that to you! I do trust and love my FI and want us to both be happy. Maybe I will try some of the games with him (and honestly it's just the shoot em up games I don't like, along with violent movies etc). I don't mind him playing them when I am not around or doing something else, but I just get so little time with him anyway that I do value the time we have together and don't want it to consist of us on our separate gadgets/consoles! My brothers both play video games at least 5-10hours/day each, and I swear I haven't had an actual conversation with either of them in months, so I guess my views are skewed. We will work it out. Have a wonderful Christmas evening everyone!
He is your fiance not your child. If playing games bothers you, tell him. Don't tell him he can't play games more than x hours a day or whatever. He's an adult..
@hollyberry4: He's a grown-up right? If he can already mange his time well, don't worry too much.
Things to consider, from a gamer's happy fiancee. Feel free to print this post and show it to him. You're not crazy for being nervous or unhappy, I've been there, but please read and consider the following, from the POV of a hardcore gamer's very happy fiancee:
I know you don't like shooter game but there's a lot of other games out there. You might even try a few -- Journey is one I'd recommend. It's less a game and more an interactive art experience. I'm not a gamer. I play once in a blue moon and don't like anything high pressure.
Some peripherals (like wireless controllers) can be a little expensive, and obviously a big TV could break the bank, but if he keeps an eye out for Xbox live sales, he can get a lot, game wise, for not a ton of money. For him: He should be encouraged to 100% a game before getting another (this means getting ALL achievements, etc.) That way he's getting as much as he can for his money, not just wasting it on game after game that he barely plays.
Playing for "hours" is not addiction, it is the standard for a gamer. The fact is that it's hard to accomplish much in most modern games without dumping at least a few hours in at once, and being limited to only revealing a little of the story at a time is incredibly frustrating.
1-2 hours at a time on video games is NOT a long time. For perspective, I start grumbling at him when he hits 2-3 on a weekday, 6-7 hours if it's a weekend and he's playing with his brother who lives on the other side of the world, since that's the only way they can hang out. (Grumbling doesn't mean he has to stop, but it has come to mean "1 hour warning before I start getting sad, and when you stop, let's do what I want to do.")
If you insist on "limiting" play time you should talk about having 1 day a week (more if you're comfortable) that he's not at work and that he gets to play whatever he wants to his heart's content, and allowing him to stay up far past you at night if he's confident it won't impact the next day too much. Some sensible limits for grown-ups that aren't too maternal might be:
X hours in a row when I'm around
Not x type of game when I'm around
Volume on the low side when I'm around (I find that lowering the volume makes first person shooters much less annoying.)
No screaming and swearing at the television when I'm around
If I say "I need you" (to be used SPARINGLY) you stop within 30 minutes.
If I start a light conversation that doesn't require a lot of attention, you respond. (Note, I also agree to not start serious conversation or talk too much when the mic is on.)
Bolded are the ones that apply in my house. I don't mind him gaming if it's not at 100% volume and he's not losing it at the TV. FI and I have set a rule that I can have up to 2 days a week I dictate bedtime, because I like that time-before-sleep with him, and I'm an early sleeper/riser. He typically does even when I don't make him, because he likes it too, but this makes him feel non-guilty if he stays up because if I REALLY wanted it I'd be using my bedtime card.
Most important:
Addiction is a strong word. Someone who enjoys playing and plays a lot is not addicted. Someone who quits their job/slacks at their job/ACTUALLY neglects you or their responsibilities to play is addicted. Note, there is a big difference between "me time" and neglect, someone who just happens to enjoy more me-time than you think is normal does not count as neglectful. My litmus test is "if I were to start crying in the same room right now, would he break attention with the game?" If yes, we're OK.
As the FI/cohabitant of a gamer, I can say it sucks that he gets so involved-- but-- I rather have him spending time with video games and not be stressed than be stressed. There are sometimes that I wish he'd pay more attention to me, but I also realize that attention is better when he is happy. Instead, I've found my own hobbies that I can get lost in.
This won't work for every couple, but sometimes it is a lot better just to let something like that go if it truly makes him feel better.
My FI is a gamer and yes, it is a time suck. I do worry occasionally that it is too much, but I do also feel like everyone needs their own hobbies and this is his. I like to read and paint and if he asked me to cut out reading I don't think I'd be too happy about it.
Maybe set some ground rules on time and taking breaks and being available when needed. My fiance has some set times that he plays with his online guild and those are pretty set in stone. I consider those his hobby time to do as he wants and I don't bother him about it. If we are going on a trip or something, then he'll not play his regular times, but otherwise I don't ask him not play. If he wants to play other times than his regular times, if we're not doing anything or he's not needed for stuff then I'm usually OK with it, although if it gets to be a lot of extra time then we talk about cutting back on that.
My fiance is a gamer (and I'm not just talking xbox, it's also PC gaming, Nintendo Wii, Playstation, and tabletop gaming such as DnD), and I'm not at all, so I understand the worry that you have about it. I think that the most important thing is to make sure that he knows when you want to spend time with him, and it doesn't have to be mean or controlling. Just let him know that you want to go out or spend time together at home. That's usually all it takes for me. Don't be passive aggressive about it, because that will just make everyone unhappy. And honestly, the times he plays the most games is when I'm out with my mom or friends doing girl things, so it doesn't affect me at all. Games are really just a hobby, the same way you also have hobbies that don't include him.
The only things I have ever requested is that he don't play violent, gore-y games when I'm around, and that when he's going to be gone playing tabletop games for hours on end (sometimes overnight), that he let me know in advance so I can make alternative plans and make sure that we don't already have something else going on.
@Bebealways: Well laid out.
I am not a fan of gaming myself but I get the attraction. If he already knows how to regulate his gaming time then I would not be too worried. The only additional rule you might want to discuss is not letting your brother dictate gaming dates too often. My roommate plays and sometimes he will play 12+ hours straight for a few days at a time and if I were his girlfriend or fiancee I would be pissed (well I probably wouldn't be his girlfriend or fiancee very long.)
My FH played Batman on our roommate's XBox for a week straight and I was not okay with it. A couple hours here and there, maybe one day per week, but hours and hours cutting into our personal quality time is not acceptable. No, I do not want to play with him nor do I want to sit on the couch and watch him play either. It's just not my thing which is why I am attracted to my non-gamer FH.
@ForeverBirds: +1 to this response.
I can totally understand the gaming thing. We do have an XBox and a Nintendo Wii. My mom got DH the XBox last year. I have some games for the XBox that I enjoy (I love the dancing games), and that has actually turned into something that we do together that we enjoy.
I second/third/fourth the suggestion about using the video game time to do things that you enjoy that he may not. If you feel that it's starting to be too much, talk to your SO. It sounds like he really cares for you, I am sure he would be understanding :-). Hope this helps!
From a former gamer: About 6 months into our relationship DH and I started playing WOW, playing it more dedicated after about a year. We eventually quit when we realized it was taking too much from each other - not enough sleep because we stayed up too late on the game, not enough time outside, whole weekends gone, etc. We had a good time playing with family - my brother, sister-in-law, and brother-in-law, but realized together we ought to quit. DH still plays more computer/Wii games than me.
I'm surprised you're getting such a reaction. I hope it's just that people are picking apart your wording rather than that they truly don't see your point. Gaming can be timeconsuming and while it may not "wreck" a relationship it can definitely take a toll if you have limited free time which is now devoted to a game rather than each other (and similarly limited finances are stretched by buying things people feel they "need").
I would ask him what he feel is reasonable time to spend on the game. Ask if he will commit to limiting his time to that amount. That way he sets his own boundaries. (Note: I don't necessarily think there is a problem to a couple setting boundaries together - just as they would for big financial or other personal decisions, but this creates ownership in him.) When the time is reached, remind him. You can easily get sucked in and not notice time passing. If he neglects you - misses important things, then you can discuss it again. And, like a PP suggested, you might give it a try and see if there is a game you like to play together.
I would also talk to your family about how while you both appreciated the generous gift - in the future, you would hope they would talk to one or both of you before getting one if they think that one will object. That that's not a cool way to handle things.
Lord have mercy. Why would anyone need to consult you or give you a " heads up" about gifting your FI a perfectly normal gift? If an Xbox makes you want to cry then I have no idea what to even say. This post comes across extremely controlling and unless you want to run him off you might want to ease up the leash a bit. It's okay for him to have a hobby outside of you, it's healthy! if he is a grown up then he should be able to conduct himself like one and not sit around for hours playing. Give him some trust and faith and don't get upset until he actually DOES somethin wrong.
I definitely understand! My FI is a game player too. Play station and his laptop. If he could he would play for hours BUT we kinda have a deal that he really only plays when Im not home (he gets home lkke 1.5 hours before I do everyday) and then if I wanna read a book or grade papers or do something online I dont mind him playing I dont buy him games, his family does which is fine with me. We live in Vegas so I look at it as I am grateful he isnt out drinking or gambling and that his hobby is something that he can still do from the safety of our home. Gotta find the positive right? My suggestion is to try to set time limits:) Good luck
@hollyberry4: have a conversation about spending time together. Your FI has a hobby and that is his Xbox. This is a gift he likes and he will use.
The main issue is you feel that your time with him is going to be taken away. Bring it up, have a convesation.
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