Help :( upset over present that FI got (semi long)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Member
3863 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I don’t blame you for being upset. I had a bf who was addicted to video games a few years ago, and I definitely felt lonely and neglected a lot of the time. After that relationship, I swore that I would never want to be with anyone who loved video games. Luckily my FI doesn’t like video games at all.

The only advice I can really give you now is to set up strict boundaries regarding how much time and when the video games can be played.

Member
5794 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honey, I’m sorry it upset you but it’s a very lovely and expensive gift.  And if your FI likes to play I honestly see no problem.  We all have our escapes, after all we can’t focus on each other all of the time, can we?  Mr. 99 loves to play, and he plays a lot, but I’m not losing him, he’s having fun and I get to relax, read, paint my toenails and work on projects.   Be happy that he’s happy, and have a merry Christmas!

Member
5016 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

I assume your FI is a relatively responsible adult and you have to trust that he can act like that and know when and when not to play.  You can talk about t your concerns but giving him a bedtime for the game like his mom is just going to breed resentment and not good for your relationahip. He wants a SO not another mom.

Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Cory_loves_this_girl:  

 

I think this is good advice.

 

I agree with you that heavy video game addiction would be a deal-breaker. Any form of heavy addiction would be a deal breaker.

OP, set some boundaries/guidelines/expectations with your FI and see how he does with that. Don’t panic until you give him a chance. But based on his past behavior, I think you are wise to be concerned that this could get out of control. I wouldn’t ask him to give the gift back, but do stick to your guns and let him know that if he starts tuning you out and becoming obsessed with playing the games to the point that it is detrimental to your relationship, that you won’t stand for that.

 

You don’t have to order him around and tell him what to do, but you can stick up for yourself and let him know that you will not put up with certain things. Good luck!

Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I completely understand.  My fiance has been into video games on & off over the years.  We used to joke about the his zombie face after he’d play for a while, but it would seriously take him about 30 minutes to start looking normal again!!  We ended up having a few serious conversations about me feeling neglected or ignored and eventually we set boundaries, like he would have to stop playing 15 minutes after I came home & not play when we were spending time together or even really when we were home together.  He stays up much later than I do, so I could care less about him turning into a zombie once I go to bed.

It sounds like him being willing to return it means that he cares a lot & obviously cares more about you than the video games.  If you told him to keep it if he was willing to set boundaries, that would be a huge gesture coming from you & he would probably be more than willing to work with you around those boundaries.  You could figure out what you want those boundaries to be and what makes sense for both of you & maybe you can agree that if it doesn’t work, he puts it up on ebay or something.  Also, considering he knows where you’re coming from, you being that generous about it gives you a lot of power in the situation;  not only will that make you feel like you’re able to speak up about your feelings, but you’ll also feel empowered knowing that your the one who made the choice to keep it.  It may feel a little different than him going out and buying it himself.

While I can completely understand how frustrating it can be, I also think that a mature couple that’s ready to get married can work through this.  It sounds to me like there’s a little more to it than just the video games.  It brings you back to that place a few years ago where you felt neglected & that is totally reasonable.  I think we all have things that trigger those old feelings.  But I also think if you’re open and honest about your feelings & he is more polite this time, it may actually strengthen your relationship.

My fiance & I have been together over 9 years.  We went through a bad video game patch.  We talked about it, worked through it, and it’s not an issue at all anymore.  It sounds like you’re in a caring, loving relationship too & I have faith that you can get through it.  Good luck!!  Let us know what you end up doing & how it goes over time ;)

Member
7504 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

just want to say that I TOTALLY understand and would have the same reaction. I really hate video games :( Very glad we don’t have a console, and I would be pissed if someone gave us one!

Member
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Nona99:  +1 – Plus limiting the “play time” is just going to make you sound parental and it sounds as if he is drifting into that type of relationship (asking permission to call his dad)

Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I actually totally sympathize. Prior to our wedding my husband lived in New York in an apartment with all his friends, and every night was a party. They had a 42 inch TV with a nice Xbox and controllers for pretty much everyone. He absolutely loves playing video games, and used to have an Xbox himself (it’s broken and old).

Well when we got married and moved in together I knew it was important to my husband that he have a nice TV (we only have one) so we got a great deal on a 42 inch from Brandsmart that is HD. Same TV he had in his man apartment, so he felt great about it. Then he started complaining about the Xbox. I didn’t want to get him one primarily for financial reasons, but I also felt like, we’re going to be TTC soon and while I don’t technically have anything against men loving to play video games, the expense and time that he will sit playing video games will be better spent acting like a mature adult! When our children are babies he will definitely not have all this time in the world to sit around playing video games, and by the time his boys (hopefully!) are old enough to play video games with him (non-violent, of course) 15 new Xbox’s will have been invented!

Well after making this point over and over again for about a year, I finally got him one for his brithday this year. I found it on eBay for $159. While we can’t afford games, he had one from his previous Xbox and my dad got him a gift certificate for his birthday to Best Buy so he got a basketball game. Let me elaborate a little on why I decided to get this for him.

He has done a lot of growing up in the past year of our marriage (plus engagment before then). You know, he was “ready” for marriage before we got married, but I think the responsibility and expectations really did hit him hard once we moved in together and started our everyday lives. He moved here to be with me from out of state, didn’t have a job and kind of had to jump from place to place before now finally settling in with something that can be long-term. That was very overwhelming and stressful for him, as well as a blow to the ego a little bit. I guess I started to feel like he really was responsible enough to balance aspects of his “bachelor life” with his new “married life.” 

I kind of started to feel that since he spends so much time watching sports anyway (his passion), what’s the difference if he’s playing video games during that time or watching TV? Here’s the part where we created boundaries though: he doesn’t get 2 hours of watching basketball, and then another 2 hours of playing basketball. He gets 2 hours. What he chooses to do during that time is up to him. The same goes for me with my down time. Sort of like, when we both get home from work we want to spend time with each other but we also have down time that we want to spend as individuals doing what makes us happy. We don’t have kids yet, and so we can kind of take time for ourselves at night as individuals to relax. If I choose to go on Weddingbee during this time, or watch Gossip Girl, read or whatever that’s my business. Consequently, my husband can play video games, watch sports, etc. We can also chill in the same room doing our own individual activities. I’m happy to let him get some of this gaming out of his system before we have kids, and since I see that he is taking the boundaries seriously, I now know that it will not take a toll once I get pregnant and we have a child. 

Let me know if you have any more questions or anything about this whole “gaming” thing that guys seem to so ardently love. It’s a little comical how controversial this subject can be bewteen men and women, but if you communicate clearly and effectively and have a healthy dialogue about it, then it certainly doesn’t need to become a thorn in the side of your relationship. 

I just wanted to add that it should be noted that our boundaries are not “limits,” but rather apply to both of us and form a structure around when we spend time focusing on each other and when we spend time focusing on our own wants/needs. My husband certainly doesn’t want to feel neglected by me when I’m on Weddingbee or watching girly shows, and I certainly don’t want to feel neglected by him when he’s playing video games or watching football. By making the conversation “equal,” in that it isn’t just all about him and his gaming time, we came to a really great compromise where I don’t feel like the Xbox is taking over our lives. 

Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@hollyberry4:  One why will he need a second controler if you are not going to play with him? Friends that want to play will most likly have their own controler they can use. Two he doesnt have to buy games. He can rent from game fly. Three how do you know that he is going to use your togeather time to play?

FI and I are both gamers, him more than me. When he does play when I am home, I am sitting on the couch playing on my laptop, reading my books or just watching him play. We both have full time jobs and I take a class or two here and there. He uses time that he is alone to play the majority of his gaming hours. We have an xbox, wii, and ps3. We buy our games used and have never paid more than $15 for them when we do buy them. Gamefly is our main go to for games.We game maybe two to three hours total when we are togeather.

My point is, gaming to us is relaxing, its fun, but it does not have to be our everything. You cant predict that it is going to be the same sort of thing it is at your parents house. Ever think that maybe he gets all wrapped up in it cause its something he doesnt get to do often? You cant address a problem that isnt there. Let him have his fun and if it comes to the point of which you feel he spends too much time with it, then you talk to him about it.

Member
791 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My FI used to be addicted to playing computer games (World of Warcraft and Diablo II).  It got to the point where I would be sitting alone for hours after work, ignoring me, and not listening to me.  I got fed up one day and had a talk with my FI (then boyfriend) about how his gaming was affecting my life and our relationship.  He never realized how plugged-in he was, and actually broke his game cd’s in half and canceled his online accounts.  

After about a year, he bought a new gaming system, and we made some ‘rules’ about his gaming.  He agreed he would only play when I’m at work, or when we had some time at home when we weren’t doing anything, and didn’t want to watch anything on tv.    So far, it’s been a lot better and controlled than it used to be.  He asks if I mind if he plays first, before just turning it on and tuning me out.  Also, he offers to let me play, even though I can’t because it gives me headaches.  

My advice to you is to set up guidelines for gaming in the house, so he can still play, but it doesn’t take over the quality time you two spend with each other.  Perhaps your FI and your brother can have several playdates online a week, so they still get to play but don’t play 24/7?  I think you have to give him a chance to prove that he can handle it.  If it gets out of hand, then pull the plug.

Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My fiance loves his video games but, as @mojoh said, him playing gives me time to do other things. I love him, but I can’t picture doing everything together, so when he plays video games, I’ll read a book or muck around with my laptop, or even go out for a walk. I think it’s perfectly healthy to have different interests as long as they don’t take over all your time together.

Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I understand your uneasiness completely. Things from the past like that make me nervous too. I would say let him know that you don’t want it to come to be a problem with time/money things. Don’t set rules or limits, but let him know that you are worried that it will have an adverse effect on your relationship and that you are happy he has something to keep him happy and to unwind, but that you have misgivings. I think if he is ready to be married and in a serious relationship he’ll take your worries to heart and not get carried away. If he does a bit you should only need remind him of you initial worries and he should respect them. I too am going through something like this…but more with respect to how we might raise any children we have. I’m trying to take my own advice and not throw down the gauntlet and just work it out like adults and not treat him like a child….It is so hard though because these are very real worries that you (and I) are going through and it seems easy to just dismiss them or say “I’m being silly/crazy/demanding”.

I also think many people don’t realize how much time is wasted playing/fbooking/surfing the net these days…truly sad. 

You must log in to reply to this topic. New to Weddingbee? Sign up to join the conversation!

Related Topics:

Find Amazing Vendors