Post # 1
Im new to this site but already in love:)
I am writing because I need advice. I am engaged and in a lesbian relationship. We have been together for 4 years engaged for 3. My girlfriend comes from a very christian family who love us but do not support what we have. If that makes sense. Last year we had planned to get married this august , like in 12 days to be exact. Then her mother found out she has pancreatic cancer. Our life together went on hold. Her mom seemed to be fighting, winning the cancer battle with chemo 6 months in so we started our plans again. We are to be married next August of 2013.Her mother is very against us getting “married” , yes i know it is not legal in the state we live in but that is not going to stop me from having a celebration of our love for each other. Constantly her mom is telling her she” wont see her in heaven” and her only want is to have all her children in heaven with her but my fiance wont be there because she is gay. 🙁 It is even worse not that the cancer has turned terminal. last week the mom was given 3-6 months , and the cancer is spreading pretty fast. This is heartbreaking and i am beside my self because i have never lost anyone and Im not sure how to be a good support. This brings me to another thing. Am I selfish to want to continue the wedding plans?? It kills me to even say it outloud. But I want to. How long do we keep pushing it back? will I regret it if we continue and my fiance is in mourning the whole time? Or would it help to have something to look forward to? I am so lost. I have tried talking to my fiance about if she wants to continue and if her mothers words are going to change her mind. Lets call my fiance C. C. is religous , but asked me to marry her knowing what her bible says. But I feel like now with her mothers cancer she wants to please her mom and is questioning things herself. I dont know what to do. Does anyone have any advice or knowledge with any of this. Sorry for the long story,but thank you for reading:)
Post # 3
I think in the face of terminal cancer, it makes sense to put things on hold, at least for a while. You know you love each other, which won’t change if you wait a few months or so. The important thing is that your fiancee and her mother spend time together, and that you support your fiancee in the coming months.
Why do you think C is questioning things?
Post # 4
@hopefull09: Honestly, I’d step back on the wedding at this time. Have you guys already put down deposits?
Post # 5
Nothing in stone yet, I contantly push her to make time with her mom. In fact she is in walking distance but she wont. I dont know if she can deal with it. I know she is scared and i cant even begin to imagine to understand what she is about to go through. Is it wrong for me to sit and talk about the future? Do i ask her if we should put it on hold again ? Do i wait for her to come to me? I just have so many questions and dont know what s righ and wrong or not ok to ask. She has somuch faith that her mom is going to pull through and i hope she does but it does not look promising. This sucks
Post # 6
Do you guys live together?
I would say something like, “I want to do what you think is best. Do you want to put off wedding planning for now? I know it’s important for you to focus on your mom right now, and I want to support you in that, but if you still want to get married next summer we have to be practical. What do you want to do?”
Say it in whatever words you would normally use…if she still wants to do the wedding next August, you will need to start putting deposits down pretty soon. Are you considering going to a civilized different state so you can legally get married? Booking travel and accommodations needs to happen as well.
Do you have a friend you can talk to about things as well? You should definitely support your fiancee, but you should NOT tell her things like, pancreatic cancer is terminal… If you could talk to a friend it might ease the emotional rampage in your brain, which will allow you to more calmly support your fiancee. Or just post here!
Post # 7
I think what you said was perfect. I just get so emotional and i have so much going on in my head nothing comes out right. I dont want to be insensitive to her but i need to know something. We do live together and have for the last 3 years. I have tried talking to friends but its not like their really interested and maybe its easier on here to just write out all of my feelings:)
Post # 8
Sorry to hear that you are going through such a horrific time. Your news is very sad. You need to decide together if you should put the wedding off – as the Mum will struggle to attend if she is sick and if she passes to close to the wedding it could be really sad.
I know the world doesn’t stop and life continues when someone is dying but you want the day to be happy.
You need to remember that if you believe in religion then God made you he created you and he loves all of his children – you have hurt no-one and you are not evil so you will not go to hell and it really makes me sad that because ppl do not agree with same sex relationships they make comments on God’s behalf.
Times have changed – so God probably has too! It is not a nice world when people are made to feel bad for being in a same sex relationship.
Post # 9
@hopefull09: I find that sometimes it’s best to write stuff out. Both to get things off your chest and also to gain perspective. I would write down what you want to say to your fiancee, and either keep it in front of your or in your pocket while talking to her. It’s difficult. But you will be okay!
Please keep us updated if you talk to her and feel like sharing. =)
Post # 10
God never changes. He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever. The good news is that he loved you before you were even born and he made a way for you to come to him for his love despite any “sins.” So my belief is that just as I fall short of the glory as defined in the bible, you fall short, but he will still see us both at the end of time because he, our maker, is the ultimate forgiver for things that we can’t even forgive ourselves for. If you believe as Christians, then you know that God made a way through Jesus for those who are not perfect, and through jesus we are saved, healed, forgiven and redeemed. God knows our hearts and upon that knowledge, he will complete our fates. In my mind, God neither adds nor subtracts weights from any sins, so premarital sex to murder to whatever, it’s all the same. That is why people must be slow to judge and quick to correct themselves and their own behavior while God works to complete those who are true of heart but unable to fully eradicate sin.
I am sorry for your issues right now because I can feel by reading your words that you are truly in love and that you are truly in a painful quandry. I don’t know the answer to this one, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Post # 11
@honeybee1999: So…homosexuality is akin to murder?
Post # 12
@JoanHarris: Woah, woah buddy. Let’s not go all “willful misinterpretation” here. She just posted a nice comment that was supportive both of the OP and the OP’s FI’s faith. she never said anything about homosexuality being akin to murder. Read what she actually said. There isn’t even one thing in there that is homophobic. Not one. Don’t jump down her throat because she’s Christian.
Post # 13
Thanks for the support. I was trying to address the fact that the mother was worried that the daughter would not be in heaven because she is a lesbian. I was trying to say that God weighs no sins any differently and he makes a way for all of us in all of our shortcomings no matter what they are. And yes, if the person wants to be so drastic, then if a murderer can go to heaven, most definitely so can a homosexual. If a liar or someone who disobeys their parents can go, then certainly a homosexual can go, too.
People are so very strange about their “sins.” People who have other “sins” have the nerve to judge homosexuals and say they will go to hell. I just don’t like that, because I do not believe that God sees any sins differently and if he can forgive one, then he can forgive all. That’s what I want all homosexuals to know about our God. That he’s not singling them out as any kind of “worse” sinner than the next person. And we all fall short of the glory. We all need the forgiveness, and none of us are any better than the other.
Post # 14
Not touching the god thing, mostly because while I believe in god, I have SEVERE issues with organized religion.
To my point, I personally think you should hold off on the wedding, if that’s what your fi wants. She might not want to stress her mom out, with her being so sick , with the idea of her daughter beingpotentially ” damned ” or not. I understand wanting to have answers op, I really do, but right now I think a wedding is the last thing she wants to worry about.
Be there for her, don’t get angry when she pulls away. She has a lot to go through, and while your feelings are valid, she is in for a rough ride.
Post # 15
@AdriannaJean: Not jumping down anyone’s throat, just asked a question 🙂 I don’t believe in sin or god or organized religion for that matter, so to each his own. Just irks me a bit when someone says homosexuality is “falling short”. But off-topic. Carry on!
Post # 16
Dying of cancer doesn’t give you a free pass to be a bigot. I wouldn’t respect the wishes of someone who would try to poison my relationships by leveraging one’s love for their mother against their sexual orientation. But maybe that’s just me.
Wait until after the death, after your fiancee’s inevitable feelings of guilt subside, then get married. Wait for your fiancee’s sake, not her mother’s.