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Meg, this may not be the answer you want, but I don't find it ridiculous at all. In fact, what you're describing is pretty typical of the RDs I've been to in the past few years. It's great for OOT guests to be able to join in the festivities, since they've had to travel to a place that may not be familiar to them, and inviting family members is not at all unusual.
My own opinion is that the RD is your FMIL and FFIL's show, and as long as they include the obvious people (your parents and the wedding party) they can invite whomever they please. I would just let this go; there really is no gracious way to say to your FMIL "I hate the party you're planning, change it." No matter how large it is, it won't overshadow your reception. And remember, a lot of people may turn down the RD invitation because they won't get to town in time or because they don't feel like doing two events in one weekend. The ceremony and reception are still the main event!
Hmm. Well, it's pretty common these days to invite a lot of out-of-town guests to something the night before the wedding. It's viewed as a chance for everybody to meet and hang out before the actual reception, and it's a good way for your guests to get to know each other beforehand. However, with that many people, it's usually a very casual affair that wouldn't compete with your wedding at all.
Maybe you could suggest doing a smaller rehearsal dinner just for the wedding party et al., then a more informal "after party" where *all* OOT guests are invited? People could gather for drinks and snacks.
ETA: And instead of viewing it as competing with your wedding, try viewing it this way: It seems very lucky (to me) that you've got in-laws so willing to splurge and celebrate your union, and who have the means to be such generous hosts to all of your guests!
MelissaB, I totallly agree with you. I feel that the OOT guests SHOULD be a part of the RD, as they have traveled for this ceremony...and why not make them feel more comfortable by inviting them to the RD. :)
My FMIL and FFIL are hosting the gig...so they can invite whoever they want! ..Now, if they were making MY list limited as to who I could invite because they were inviting THIER friends...then I would be alittle upset. :)
Good Luck. :)
I'm having a semi-destination wedding and our Rehearsal/Welcome BBQ will have 100 guests. The actual wedding the next day will have 130 guests. I do think it's a little over the top, but I'm excited about it because it's an opportunity to spend more time with our out of town guests.
So, if you're not wanting a big rehearsal dinner because you think it's 'ridiculous' I don't think you have to worry. Everyone will have fun.
If you're not wanting the big rehearsal because it will insult your parents- have you actually asked their opinion? The rehearsal is supposed to be the groom's parents chance to host something. I SERIOUSLY doubt your MIL is capable of planning something that would compare to the time/money/effort you and your parents are putting into the actual wedding reception. So I wouldn't worry about that either.
Now, if you're not wanting the big rehearsal because you don't want a big rehearsal and want something small- that you can worry about!
I had the opposite problem of you- in that I was looking forward to the big welcome BBQ and my FMIL wanted the small intimate gathering of just immediate family and bridal party. We compromised and are having a small 'cocktail hour' type gathering hosted by FMIL and FFIL before heading to the big BBQ.
Can you do a similar compromise? Have a small intimate cocktail hour and then the big rehearsal? Or maybe have a small dinner and then invite all the out of towners for drinks and dessert?
We're inviting everyone to our rehearsal dinner as well, since most are coming from out of town.
I wouldn't worry about it overshadowing the wedding, just keep it casual. A BBQ maybe?
rosy: I just wanted something small. I wanted to relax the night before the wedding and just have something with immediate family and the wedding party to thank them for all their hard work. She wants to throw this huge bash to show people she can (I am not kidding by this). She actually said she was excited to have seafood because it was the same price as chicken but looked more expensive. I'm concerned that she's using this party to kind of show off to everyone and missing the purpose of the party a little. I have actually asked my parents their opinion on it and they think it's a little over the top to invite only 10 less people to the RD than to the wedding.
@livvie: She's already booked the venue. I would have loved to have had a BBQ, and then I wouldn't care about the guest list because it would be very casual. In fact, I pointed this out to her when we were looking for places to have it. Instead, she decided to go somewhere more "classy" so she didn't look "cheap." Now we are having a sit down dinner where everyone has to RSVP what they want to eat (like a reception) and has to be there promptly at 6.
We not only invited all the OOT guests to the RD (which was held in a private room at a nice restaurant) but we also had them to a backyard BBQ the evening before that! It was wonderful, because otherwise we would really have gotten to spend almost no time with the friends and family who had travelled hundreds (in some cases thousands) of miles to be there for the wedding. Unless your FMIL is trying to "outdo" the reception somehow - for instance, making the RD much more formal, spending a lot more money per person on food, hiring a band and having dancing until the wee hours of the morning, etc there is no way it is going to take away from the wedding reception, or be some kind of insult to your parents.
We paid for our own RD, as DH's family was stunned at the idea of having anyone other than immediate family. But I felt that, as much as I love my family, I see them all the time! I had cousins and friends coming from OOT that I see maybe once a year, and who literally spent upwards of $1000 to be there (including airfare and hotel for several nights - more if you count the time they had to take off work) so I thought the least we could do was to feed them an extra evening or two. Plus you really get to spend so little time with your guests at the actual wedding and reception. I think that in the end you'll be glad to have that additional evening with everybody.
@ meggy:
That really stinks. I can't really think of any solution that wouldn't jeopardize your relationship with your FMIL.
If the venue isn't booked yet, perhaps you could compromise somehow to make it more causal and low-key?
How does your FI feel? If you are going to talk to your FMIL I definitely think that you and your FI should agree and present it as a united front. You don't want to be accused of being a Bridezilla (which seems to happen every time a bride expresses a contrary opinion). In my situation, I had my FI do most of the talking for that reason.
Perhaps amysue's suggestion of a small dinner followed by a large afterparty could work- then you could duck out early?
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@suzanno: the family reason is the exact reason I wanted to keep it smaller. My family (parents, sister, and grandparents) live 1500 miles away from me. I wanted a smaller RD to be able to spend more time with them as, if I'm lucky, I see them twice a year (grandparents never more than once a year).
I'll get over it and let her do what she wants as she is the one paying, but I really just wanted to see what others thought. Thanks for sharing your opinions.
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This may seem like a random question, Meg, but does your FMIL have any daughters? If so, are they married or single? I ask because if she hasn't had a chance to be "mother of the bride," that might help explain why this RD is such a big deal to her.
I can see why you're feeling annoyed that she's using the RD as an excuse to show off how "classy" she is, but I really do think you're better off letting this go. This is clearly important to her and putting up a fuss will just mean lots of extra drama and hurt feelings. What does your FI say?
@rosy: The venue is booked. She's been freaking out about that, too, because they are raising their prices on Jan. 1 and if she doesn't put down the 2nd half of the deposit by then, they raise the price on her. I don't think she thought much of this through. Most vendors will honor the lower price they quoted you (and plus, she's already put a 50% deposit down) but she didn't get it in writing so they are going to make her pay the higher price if she doesn't pay in full before the price increase. Sigh.
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I understand your concern, but there is very little you can do about it. CHalk it up to a whirlwind wedding weekend. Perhaps you can have a small lunch with your wedding party earlier on the day of the RD, or the day before?
As much as you are dreading this now, I think you will probably wind up having a great time. So many brides say they wished they had more time to spend with their out of town guests on the day of their wedding, and you're being given the opportunity to have a whole extra night with them. Just enjoy.
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@Melissa: She does have a daughter who is younger than DF. But I do agree--she may think this is her chance to be mother of the bride.
FI doesn't want to get involved. I'm pretty sure he just wants to go along with whatever gets planned.
I'm in the same boat, except we are paying for the rehearsal ourselves and my fiance wants to invite all OOT guests. After debating this for awhile, i realized that in the end, the more the merrier, and we get 2 special nights to celebrate with all the people we love.
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I'm in the same dilemna but my fiance and i talked about it and we're only inviting immediate family and wedding party with their spouses and thats a lot of people already. Most of our guests are out of town so having practically everybody is a big no. Even though my FMIL and FFIL are paying for it, we don't want a big party. Our dress rehearsal is in the morning and we're going to have a lunch instead. Then at night we will tell all the out of town guests to meet at a casual restaurant so we can get together for drinks and stuff but we're not paying for any of it. I think the dress rehearsal dinner should be for people in the wedding party and the immediate family to get to know each other and also its a thank you for those people who have helped out in our wedding. These are THE most important people.
Remember its your wedding and if your not happy about it, sit down and talk to your fiance. You don't want to be grumpy the day before the wedding. I know you said your fiance doesn't care but just tell him it matters to you. Good luck!!
Is it possible to plan an after RD party that's smaller? Maybe you could go get drinks with your BP and some family members? I'm sure you won't want to be out at all hours the night before your wedding, but it might be nice to have a little time to breathe and relax before bed if you can't accomplish that with your RD.
@MsJoe: we are on the same page! I just need to talk to DF about it and get him to form an opinion one way or the other--even if it's the opposite of my opinion. I'm going to sit him down and talk about it.
I agree that it seems silly to have that many people. It sounded like you said she wanted all the OOTs, plus the rest of the family? I can understand the oOTs. Technically you are supposed to invite them. We only had about 10 of them, and they weren't invited - most had other things to do! I don't know that all guests want to spend their entire weekend with you! Ours had other family to spend time with as well. I just think that the RD is the B&G's way to thank their family and friends who are a part of their day, and having the entire guest list there sort of interferes with that. But, honestly, it sounds like its booked and planned, and while your FI should tell her how you feel, he clearly isn't going to, so you'll just have to go along with that.
I agree that inviting 95% of the guest list is over doing it for the rehearsal dinner! FMIL is getting carried away. Dinner choices, RSVPs, etc. - she's off in her own world, and not respecting your wishes at all. Like you said, you and your man need to have a chat and decide how to deal with this. Maybe FMIL doesn't realize how out of control the RD is getting? Maybe you will help her to step back and see what's really going on and that you are unhappy? Hope it works out!
I understand the stress and whatnot of the situation but I think it's nice that she wants to go to all the expense and hard work of such a large party. She obviously wants everyone to be included and is proud to show off you and her son.
I think you have enough to worry about with planning the actual wedding day without the stress of this on your shoulders. Let her plan her fancy party. It's just another celebration of your love with her son and everyone will have a good time. Yes people will complement the beautiful rehearsal dinner but everyone will rememeber the beautiful bride and how gracious and thankful she was and what a fantastic wedding day it was.
Meg- Thanks for bringing this topis up! It is something that I don't think is discussed enough before actual plans are made and then it is almost too late. Everyone has different ideas (obviously!) on what is the proper way to host a RD.
Ok, just trying to maybe see where she is coming from here (and not siding with your FMIL by any means and I may be way off) but just try to think about how excited you were to plan the details of your wedding. All the guests, venue, food, etc. Maybe she is just excited and wants things to go off perfectly to show your guests what a special weekend this will be!?!?
Well, I can definately understand wanting to get some family time, especially if you don't see your family all that much. Maybe you can plan a nice long brunch with your family. In fact, if you do a sort of family-of-the-bride brunch, you don't even have to have FMIL there! In the midst of all the festivities we also did that - my sister and her husband, my little niece, my mom and dad, and me (and DH) had a nice brunch the day before the wedding. And you can always excuse yourself from the RD at a decently early hour (since it's being held early anyway) and have dessert or coffee with just your family.
I think that if you're truly unhappy, you should say something (and get your DF on board!). While for all you know, you might just end up enjoying yourself at the RD, it doesn't hurt to try to talk to your FMIL and see if you can't suggest scaling things back a bit, especially since this probably won't be the last time you and the FMIL have differing opinions :p.
You say that she's been worrying about the RD and putting down the rest of the deposit for the RD venue...maybe this could be a great time to suggest that she not burden herself with planning such an extravagant dinner. You appreciate her love for you and your DF and are totally grateful for her hard work, but perhaps it would be easier for her to cut back the guest list a little so she won't be so concerned about the finances later on down the line. You want her to have a good time before the wedding too! Perhaps taking this tack will be a little better with your FMIL...better to catches flies with honey than vinegar, right?
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I think your concerns are completely justified. Like others said, I think she's probably feeling like she wants this part of it because you're probably doing a lot of planning with YOUR mom and not her. And let's face it....she's a woman...and we're all a little crazy. Remember this when you have a son and he gets married. haha.
however, i completely understand....my mom did the same thing when my first brother got married.....huge deal, lots of people, mostly his side. Then a few years later when my second brother got married and the bride's side had more people, she thought it was ridiculous and rude. Interesting, huh? I'm actually encouraging my fiancees parents to do something with more of his family because they are traveling further and i want them to feel really involved since the day of the wedding, my side will be a little larger. plus, i love his family.....more than mine......did i say that out loud?
You're probably better off letting it go...just try to enjoy yourself. Good luck and vent anytime!
This is tough. I think the RD can cause a lot of stress because it is the one aspect we brides have a lot less control over. I had the opposite problem from you -my in-laws wanted something small and we were used to all out-of-towners (70%? of our list) being invited. It was the most stressful part of the entire wedding planning process having to tell my parents they couldn't invite all their friends who were flying in. In the end my in-laws pretty much got their way, but I put 10 or so extra people on there who weren't family or wedding party members. My MIL did most of the planning, made the decorations, etc. without consulting us at all. I was annoyed for a long time, but eventually realized what you are realizing which is that you will just give in eventually!
Try and think about 1 or 2 things you really care about and try to not worry about the rest - maybe suggest a seating chart and help do it so you can sit with the people you want?? Invite a smaller group for an early cocktail party at another location first?
I totally feel your pain! FI and I wanted to have a smaller rehearsal dinner also because we thought inviting the 130 people coming in from out of town would just be bit much. FMIL claimed she just wanted to do whatever we wanted, but when inquired about the guest list, it was basically a slightly abridged version of the 3 million person long list ;) In the end, though, she agreed to do a smaller RD. However, my FI and I were prepared to just let her do what she wanted, because in the end, the RD is kind of her deal. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do besides tell her your preferences and reasons for them (hopefully through your FI) and hopefully she will try to be accomodating...
I wouldn't worry about your wedding being upstaged. A big fancy party is just that--a big fancy party. There is something special about a wedding that the RD just won't have :)
Thanks so much for all the comments girls. It was great to read everyone's opinions and see all sides of the fence. While I still don't want the RD she's planning, I am just going go to go along with it. I think some people who are invited will want to go off and do their own thing and not be tied down to a wedding two nights in a row. FMIL made a lunch date for next month so we can sit down and hammer out the details of the guest list. Hopefully everything will be calm, cool, and collected. I think once she sits down and actually sees a list and the head count that goes with it (I've only given her numbers right now, she hasn't seen the names that go with the numbers) it will become more of a reality. I think she may be thinking that the number is off or wrong, but when we sit down and physically count 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. she will get the point. I decided just to stop stressing about it. Thanks girls!!!!
I don't think it is particulary fair for you to decide the details of a party she is throwing in your honor. She is putting on a nice party for you to get the weekend started and give all the guests a chance to feel pampered, taken care, of and welcomed before the wedding and the reception. My parents did this for my brother, all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen did a little roast of the bride and groom. It was hilarious and fun and all of the 200 guests told the bride and groom that the entire weekend was one of the best weddings they have ever attended. My mother felt happy that she made a contribution to the weekend and she was happy that people knew she put time and effort into planning this rather than doing something people would think was "cheap." I think you are lucky to have a mother in law who wants to celebrate you and invite others to celebrate even more. I don't think you should grin and bear it, I think you should truly enjoy it and feel blessed to have generous people in your life willing to pull all the stops for you.
I understand how you feel but I think it is poor form not invite your OOT guests, for me that is 99.9% of my guest list. If your MIL is asking to pay...say YES PLEASE. If your parents feel slighted they can always insist to pay. NO ONE is keeping track of who paid for what--even if the RD announcements say Mr and Mrs In Law invite you. It will just be seen as a nice gesture. NOW if you want something more intimate, I am having a bridesmaids tea the day of the rehearsal dinner, groomsmen are going out for whatever man food and sports they choose. I will have my whole life to host intimate dinner parties so smile, be gracioius and enjoy!
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Ughh. I need advice. My FMIL is obsessed with planning the Rehearsal Dinner (RD). She wants to invite all of our out of town guests and all of our families. Fine. However, that is 95% of our guest list, and close to 100 people. Does anyone else find that ridiculous? I almost feel like it is a slap in the face to my parents because she will be throwing a party and then they will be throwing one for all the same people the next night. Is there a good way to approach telling her that I think it is too many people and that I hate the idea of it? Please help..