Ughh. I need advice. My FMIL is obsessed with planning the Rehearsal Dinner (RD). She wants to invite all of our out of town guests and all of our families. Fine. However, that is 95% of our guest list, and close to 100 people. Does anyone else find that ridiculous? I almost feel like it is a slap in the face to my parents because she will be throwing a party and then they will be throwing one for all the same people the next night. Is there a good way to approach telling her that I think it is too many people and that I hate the idea of it? Please help..
Meg, this may not be the answer you want, but I don't find it ridiculous at all. In fact, what you're describing is pretty typical of the RDs I've been to in the past few years. It's great for OOT guests to be able to join in the festivities, since they've had to travel to a place that may not be familiar to them, and inviting family members is not at all unusual.
My own opinion is that the RD is your FMIL and FFIL's show, and as long as they include the obvious people (your parents and the wedding party) they can invite whomever they please. I would just let this go; there really is no gracious way to say to your FMIL "I hate the party you're planning, change it." No matter how large it is, it won't overshadow your reception. And remember, a lot of people may turn down the RD invitation because they won't get to town in time or because they don't feel like doing two events in one weekend. The ceremony and reception are still the main event!
Hmm. Well, it's pretty common these days to invite a lot of out-of-town guests to something the night before the wedding. It's viewed as a chance for everybody to meet and hang out before the actual reception, and it's a good way for your guests to get to know each other beforehand. However, with that many people, it's usually a very casual affair that wouldn't compete with your wedding at all.
Maybe you could suggest doing a smaller rehearsal dinner just for the wedding party et al., then a more informal "after party" where *all* OOT guests are invited? People could gather for drinks and snacks.
ETA: And instead of viewing it as competing with your wedding, try viewing it this way: It seems very lucky (to me) that you've got in-laws so willing to splurge and celebrate your union, and who have the means to be such generous hosts to all of your guests!
MelissaB, I totallly agree with you. I feel that the OOT guests SHOULD be a part of the RD, as they have traveled for this ceremony...and why not make them feel more comfortable by inviting them to the RD. :)
My FMIL and FFIL are hosting the gig...so they can invite whoever they want! ..Now, if they were making MY list limited as to who I could invite because they were inviting THIER friends...then I would be alittle upset. :)
I'm having a semi-destination wedding and our Rehearsal/Welcome BBQ will have 100 guests. The actual wedding the next day will have 130 guests. I do think it's a little over the top, but I'm excited about it because it's an opportunity to spend more time with our out of town guests.
So, if you're not wanting a big rehearsal dinner because you think it's 'ridiculous' I don't think you have to worry. Everyone will have fun.
If you're not wanting the big rehearsal because it will insult your parents- have you actually asked their opinion? The rehearsal is supposed to be the groom's parents chance to host something. I SERIOUSLY doubt your MIL is capable of planning something that would compare to the time/money/effort you and your parents are putting into the actual wedding reception. So I wouldn't worry about that either.
Now, if you're not wanting the big rehearsal because you don't want a big rehearsal and want something small- that you can worry about!
I had the opposite problem of you- in that I was looking forward to the big welcome BBQ and my FMIL wanted the small intimate gathering of just immediate family and bridal party. We compromised and are having a small 'cocktail hour' type gathering hosted by FMIL and FFIL before heading to the big BBQ.
Can you do a similar compromise? Have a small intimate cocktail hour and then the big rehearsal? Or maybe have a small dinner and then invite all the out of towners for drinks and dessert?
rosy: I just wanted something small. I wanted to relax the night before the wedding and just have something with immediate family and the wedding party to thank them for all their hard work. She wants to throw this huge bash to show people she can (I am not kidding by this). She actually said she was excited to have seafood because it was the same price as chicken but looked more expensive. I'm concerned that she's using this party to kind of show off to everyone and missing the purpose of the party a little. I have actually asked my parents their opinion on it and they think it's a little over the top to invite only 10 less people to the RD than to the wedding.
@livvie: She's already booked the venue. I would have loved to have had a BBQ, and then I wouldn't care about the guest list because it would be very casual. In fact, I pointed this out to her when we were looking for places to have it. Instead, she decided to go somewhere more "classy" so she didn't look "cheap." Now we are having a sit down dinner where everyone has to RSVP what they want to eat (like a reception) and has to be there promptly at 6.
We not only invited all the OOT guests to the RD (which was held in a private room at a nice restaurant) but we also had them to a backyard BBQ the evening before that! It was wonderful, because otherwise we would really have gotten to spend almost no time with the friends and family who had travelled hundreds (in some cases thousands) of miles to be there for the wedding. Unless your FMIL is trying to "outdo" the reception somehow - for instance, making the RD much more formal, spending a lot more money per person on food, hiring a band and having dancing until the wee hours of the morning, etc there is no way it is going to take away from the wedding reception, or be some kind of insult to your parents.
We paid for our own RD, as DH's family was stunned at the idea of having anyone other than immediate family. But I felt that, as much as I love my family, I see them all the time! I had cousins and friends coming from OOT that I see maybe once a year, and who literally spent upwards of $1000 to be there (including airfare and hotel for several nights - more if you count the time they had to take off work) so I thought the least we could do was to feed them an extra evening or two. Plus you really get to spend so little time with your guests at the actual wedding and reception. I think that in the end you'll be glad to have that additional evening with everybody.
That really stinks. I can't really think of any solution that wouldn't jeopardize your relationship with your FMIL.
If the venue isn't booked yet, perhaps you could compromise somehow to make it more causal and low-key?
How does your FI feel? If you are going to talk to your FMIL I definitely think that you and your FI should agree and present it as a united front. You don't want to be accused of being a Bridezilla (which seems to happen every time a bride expresses a contrary opinion). In my situation, I had my FI do most of the talking for that reason.
Perhaps amysue's suggestion of a small dinner followed by a large afterparty could work- then you could duck out early?
@suzanno: the family reason is the exact reason I wanted to keep it smaller. My family (parents, sister, and grandparents) live 1500 miles away from me. I wanted a smaller RD to be able to spend more time with them as, if I'm lucky, I see them twice a year (grandparents never more than once a year).
I'll get over it and let her do what she wants as she is the one paying, but I really just wanted to see what others thought. Thanks for sharing your opinions.
This may seem like a random question, Meg, but does your FMIL have any daughters? If so, are they married or single? I ask because if she hasn't had a chance to be "mother of the bride," that might help explain why this RD is such a big deal to her.
I can see why you're feeling annoyed that she's using the RD as an excuse to show off how "classy" she is, but I really do think you're better off letting this go. This is clearly important to her and putting up a fuss will just mean lots of extra drama and hurt feelings. What does your FI say?
@rosy: The venue is booked. She's been freaking out about that, too, because they are raising their prices on Jan. 1 and if she doesn't put down the 2nd half of the deposit by then, they raise the price on her. I don't think she thought much of this through. Most vendors will honor the lower price they quoted you (and plus, she's already put a 50% deposit down) but she didn't get it in writing so they are going to make her pay the higher price if she doesn't pay in full before the price increase. Sigh.
I understand your concern, but there is very little you can do about it. CHalk it up to a whirlwind wedding weekend. Perhaps you can have a small lunch with your wedding party earlier on the day of the RD, or the day before?
As much as you are dreading this now, I think you will probably wind up having a great time. So many brides say they wished they had more time to spend with their out of town guests on the day of their wedding, and you're being given the opportunity to have a whole extra night with them. Just enjoy.
I'm in the same boat, except we are paying for the rehearsal ourselves and my fiance wants to invite all OOT guests. After debating this for awhile, i realized that in the end, the more the merrier, and we get 2 special nights to celebrate with all the people we love.
I'm in the same dilemna but my fiance and i talked about it and we're only inviting immediate family and wedding party with their spouses and thats a lot of people already. Most of our guests are out of town so having practically everybody is a big no. Even though my FMIL and FFIL are paying for it, we don't want a big party. Our dress rehearsal is in the morning and we're going to have a lunch instead. Then at night we will tell all the out of town guests to meet at a casual restaurant so we can get together for drinks and stuff but we're not paying for any of it. I think the dress rehearsal dinner should be for people in the wedding party and the immediate family to get to know each other and also its a thank you for those people who have helped out in our wedding. These are THE most important people.
Remember its your wedding and if your not happy about it, sit down and talk to your fiance. You don't want to be grumpy the day before the wedding. I know you said your fiance doesn't care but just tell him it matters to you. Good luck!!
Is it possible to plan an after RD party that's smaller? Maybe you could go get drinks with your BP and some family members? I'm sure you won't want to be out at all hours the night before your wedding, but it might be nice to have a little time to breathe and relax before bed if you can't accomplish that with your RD.
@MsJoe: we are on the same page! I just need to talk to DF about it and get him to form an opinion one way or the other--even if it's the opposite of my opinion. I'm going to sit him down and talk about it.
I agree that it seems silly to have that many people. It sounded like you said she wanted all the OOTs, plus the rest of the family? I can understand the oOTs. Technically you are supposed to invite them. We only had about 10 of them, and they weren't invited - most had other things to do! I don't know that all guests want to spend their entire weekend with you! Ours had other family to spend time with as well. I just think that the RD is the B&G's way to thank their family and friends who are a part of their day, and having the entire guest list there sort of interferes with that. But, honestly, it sounds like its booked and planned, and while your FI should tell her how you feel, he clearly isn't going to, so you'll just have to go along with that.
Ughh. I need advice. My FMIL is obsessed with planning the Rehearsal Dinner (RD). She wants to invite all of our out of town guests and all of our families. Fine. However, that is 95% of our guest list, and close to 100 people. Does anyone else find that ridiculous? I almost feel like it is a slap in the face to my parents because she will be throwing a party and then they will be throwing one for all the same people the next night. Is there a good way to approach telling her that I think it is too many people and that I hate the idea of it? Please help..
posted by meggyg8r 94 posts 3 months agoMeg, this may not be the answer you want, but I don't find it ridiculous at all. In fact, what you're describing is pretty typical of the RDs I've been to in the past few years. It's great for OOT guests to be able to join in the festivities, since they've had to travel to a place that may not be familiar to them, and inviting family members is not at all unusual.
My own opinion is that the RD is your FMIL and FFIL's show, and as long as they include the obvious people (your parents and the wedding party) they can invite whomever they please. I would just let this go; there really is no gracious way to say to your FMIL "I hate the party you're planning, change it." No matter how large it is, it won't overshadow your reception. And remember, a lot of people may turn down the RD invitation because they won't get to town in time or because they don't feel like doing two events in one weekend. The ceremony and reception are still the main event!
posted by MelissaB 72 posts 3 months agoHmm. Well, it's pretty common these days to invite a lot of out-of-town guests to something the night before the wedding. It's viewed as a chance for everybody to meet and hang out before the actual reception, and it's a good way for your guests to get to know each other beforehand. However, with that many people, it's usually a very casual affair that wouldn't compete with your wedding at all.
Maybe you could suggest doing a smaller rehearsal dinner just for the wedding party et al., then a more informal "after party" where *all* OOT guests are invited? People could gather for drinks and snacks.
ETA: And instead of viewing it as competing with your wedding, try viewing it this way: It seems very lucky (to me) that you've got in-laws so willing to splurge and celebrate your union, and who have the means to be such generous hosts to all of your guests!
posted by amysue 640 posts 3 months agoMelissaB, I totallly agree with you. I feel that the OOT guests SHOULD be a part of the RD, as they have traveled for this ceremony...and why not make them feel more comfortable by inviting them to the RD. :)
My FMIL and FFIL are hosting the gig...so they can invite whoever they want! ..Now, if they were making MY list limited as to who I could invite because they were inviting THIER friends...then I would be alittle upset. :)
Good Luck. :)
posted by cassiereanne 76 posts 3 months agoI'm having a semi-destination wedding and our Rehearsal/Welcome BBQ will have 100 guests. The actual wedding the next day will have 130 guests. I do think it's a little over the top, but I'm excited about it because it's an opportunity to spend more time with our out of town guests.
So, if you're not wanting a big rehearsal dinner because you think it's 'ridiculous' I don't think you have to worry. Everyone will have fun.
If you're not wanting the big rehearsal because it will insult your parents- have you actually asked their opinion? The rehearsal is supposed to be the groom's parents chance to host something. I SERIOUSLY doubt your MIL is capable of planning something that would compare to the time/money/effort you and your parents are putting into the actual wedding reception. So I wouldn't worry about that either.
Now, if you're not wanting the big rehearsal because you don't want a big rehearsal and want something small- that you can worry about!
I had the opposite problem of you- in that I was looking forward to the big welcome BBQ and my FMIL wanted the small intimate gathering of just immediate family and bridal party. We compromised and are having a small 'cocktail hour' type gathering hosted by FMIL and FFIL before heading to the big BBQ.
Can you do a similar compromise? Have a small intimate cocktail hour and then the big rehearsal? Or maybe have a small dinner and then invite all the out of towners for drinks and dessert?
posted by rosychicklet 312 posts 3 months agoWe're inviting everyone to our rehearsal dinner as well, since most are coming from out of town.
I wouldn't worry about it overshadowing the wedding, just keep it casual. A BBQ maybe?
posted by livvie 88 posts 3 months agorosy: I just wanted something small. I wanted to relax the night before the wedding and just have something with immediate family and the wedding party to thank them for all their hard work. She wants to throw this huge bash to show people she can (I am not kidding by this). She actually said she was excited to have seafood because it was the same price as chicken but looked more expensive. I'm concerned that she's using this party to kind of show off to everyone and missing the purpose of the party a little. I have actually asked my parents their opinion on it and they think it's a little over the top to invite only 10 less people to the RD than to the wedding.
posted by meggyg8r 94 posts 3 months ago@livvie: She's already booked the venue. I would have loved to have had a BBQ, and then I wouldn't care about the guest list because it would be very casual. In fact, I pointed this out to her when we were looking for places to have it. Instead, she decided to go somewhere more "classy" so she didn't look "cheap." Now we are having a sit down dinner where everyone has to RSVP what they want to eat (like a reception) and has to be there promptly at 6.
posted by meggyg8r 94 posts 3 months agoWe not only invited all the OOT guests to the RD (which was held in a private room at a nice restaurant) but we also had them to a backyard BBQ the evening before that! It was wonderful, because otherwise we would really have gotten to spend almost no time with the friends and family who had travelled hundreds (in some cases thousands) of miles to be there for the wedding. Unless your FMIL is trying to "outdo" the reception somehow - for instance, making the RD much more formal, spending a lot more money per person on food, hiring a band and having dancing until the wee hours of the morning, etc there is no way it is going to take away from the wedding reception, or be some kind of insult to your parents.
We paid for our own RD, as DH's family was stunned at the idea of having anyone other than immediate family. But I felt that, as much as I love my family, I see them all the time! I had cousins and friends coming from OOT that I see maybe once a year, and who literally spent upwards of $1000 to be there (including airfare and hotel for several nights - more if you count the time they had to take off work) so I thought the least we could do was to feed them an extra evening or two. Plus you really get to spend so little time with your guests at the actual wedding and reception. I think that in the end you'll be glad to have that additional evening with everybody.
posted by suzanno 1,978 posts 3 months ago@ meggy:
That really stinks. I can't really think of any solution that wouldn't jeopardize your relationship with your FMIL.
If the venue isn't booked yet, perhaps you could compromise somehow to make it more causal and low-key?
How does your FI feel? If you are going to talk to your FMIL I definitely think that you and your FI should agree and present it as a united front. You don't want to be accused of being a Bridezilla (which seems to happen every time a bride expresses a contrary opinion). In my situation, I had my FI do most of the talking for that reason.
Perhaps amysue's suggestion of a small dinner followed by a large afterparty could work- then you could duck out early?
posted by rosychicklet 312 posts 3 months ago@suzanno: the family reason is the exact reason I wanted to keep it smaller. My family (parents, sister, and grandparents) live 1500 miles away from me. I wanted a smaller RD to be able to spend more time with them as, if I'm lucky, I see them twice a year (grandparents never more than once a year).
I'll get over it and let her do what she wants as she is the one paying, but I really just wanted to see what others thought. Thanks for sharing your opinions.
posted by meggyg8r 94 posts 3 months agoThis may seem like a random question, Meg, but does your FMIL have any daughters? If so, are they married or single? I ask because if she hasn't had a chance to be "mother of the bride," that might help explain why this RD is such a big deal to her.
I can see why you're feeling annoyed that she's using the RD as an excuse to show off how "classy" she is, but I really do think you're better off letting this go. This is clearly important to her and putting up a fuss will just mean lots of extra drama and hurt feelings. What does your FI say?
posted by MelissaB 72 posts 3 months ago@rosy: The venue is booked. She's been freaking out about that, too, because they are raising their prices on Jan. 1 and if she doesn't put down the 2nd half of the deposit by then, they raise the price on her. I don't think she thought much of this through. Most vendors will honor the lower price they quoted you (and plus, she's already put a 50% deposit down) but she didn't get it in writing so they are going to make her pay the higher price if she doesn't pay in full before the price increase. Sigh.
posted by meggyg8r 94 posts 3 months agoI understand your concern, but there is very little you can do about it. CHalk it up to a whirlwind wedding weekend. Perhaps you can have a small lunch with your wedding party earlier on the day of the RD, or the day before?
As much as you are dreading this now, I think you will probably wind up having a great time. So many brides say they wished they had more time to spend with their out of town guests on the day of their wedding, and you're being given the opportunity to have a whole extra night with them. Just enjoy.
posted by CarolineG 284 posts 3 months ago@Melissa: She does have a daughter who is younger than DF. But I do agree--she may think this is her chance to be mother of the bride.
FI doesn't want to get involved. I'm pretty sure he just wants to go along with whatever gets planned.
posted by meggyg8r 94 posts 3 months agoI'm in the same boat, except we are paying for the rehearsal ourselves and my fiance wants to invite all OOT guests. After debating this for awhile, i realized that in the end, the more the merrier, and we get 2 special nights to celebrate with all the people we love.
posted by Taleja 15 posts 3 months agoI'm in the same dilemna but my fiance and i talked about it and we're only inviting immediate family and wedding party with their spouses and thats a lot of people already. Most of our guests are out of town so having practically everybody is a big no. Even though my FMIL and FFIL are paying for it, we don't want a big party. Our dress rehearsal is in the morning and we're going to have a lunch instead. Then at night we will tell all the out of town guests to meet at a casual restaurant so we can get together for drinks and stuff but we're not paying for any of it. I think the dress rehearsal dinner should be for people in the wedding party and the immediate family to get to know each other and also its a thank you for those people who have helped out in our wedding. These are THE most important people.
Remember its your wedding and if your not happy about it, sit down and talk to your fiance. You don't want to be grumpy the day before the wedding. I know you said your fiance doesn't care but just tell him it matters to you. Good luck!!
posted by MsJoe 11 posts 3 months agoIs it possible to plan an after RD party that's smaller? Maybe you could go get drinks with your BP and some family members? I'm sure you won't want to be out at all hours the night before your wedding, but it might be nice to have a little time to breathe and relax before bed if you can't accomplish that with your RD.
posted by proBM2008 50 posts 3 months ago@MsJoe: we are on the same page! I just need to talk to DF about it and get him to form an opinion one way or the other--even if it's the opposite of my opinion. I'm going to sit him down and talk about it.
posted by meggyg8r 94 posts 3 months agoI agree that it seems silly to have that many people. It sounded like you said she wanted all the OOTs, plus the rest of the family? I can understand the oOTs. Technically you are supposed to invite them. We only had about 10 of them, and they weren't invited - most had other things to do! I don't know that all guests want to spend their entire weekend with you! Ours had other family to spend time with as well. I just think that the RD is the B&G's way to thank their family and friends who are a part of their day, and having the entire guest list there sort of interferes with that. But, honestly, it sounds like its booked and planned, and while your FI should tell her how you feel, he clearly isn't going to, so you'll just have to go along with that.
posted by dreambml 429 posts 3 months ago