Post # 1
So.. our wedding is 9 weeks away and im completely falling apart. 12 months ago my fiancé’s dad passed away and since then he has been to counselling and diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. Its been a tough year, but long story short he finished his sessions and was given the all clear. Since then he seems to have completely shut down and I constantly feel like im walking on egg shells. His mood swings are becoming impossible to live with and he says he doesnt know what he wants anymore. Last week he suggested I go and stay at my mums so that he could have some space and said he thinks we should postpone the wedding. He has also recently started saying some pretty nasty things to me, which he has never done before!!
We have been together 4 years and engaged for 2 of them and we have always had what I would call an amazing relationship. I have been to see my GP and he suggested we go speak to someone together but as soon as I mentioned it to future hubby he completely shut me down saying that I could go if I wanted to but he wont be coming.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Im a mess trying to figure out where to go from here…
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
courageousheart: Wow. I don’t really have any advice. This must be killing you.
A couple questions, though. Who gave him the “all clear?” Or was that just a matter of him attending so many sessions? Was he prescribed anything for his diagnosis? Did he ever open up about how the counseling went for him? Does he explain why he won’t go to couple’s counseling?
I would postpone the wedding for sure. So heartbreaking, though. Big hugs.
Post # 3
prahajess: it certainly is killing me 🙁 the counsellor who he was seeing gave him the all clear saying that she didnt need to see him anymore. His GP perscribed him medication for the anxiety and he never spoke about his counseling sessions. He was always very private about the whole thing and I didnt want to push the matter because I know personally I wouldnt be too willing to share either…
His only reason for not wanting to attend couples counseling is that he has already been to see a counselor and he doesnt believe he needs to go back. I even tried explaining that it would be more for me and learning how to deal with his anxiety but he still wont budge. Im honestly at a loss. It would kill me to have to postpone the wedding…
Post # 4
We’re assuming he’s telling the truth about giving him the “all clear”. Btw, therapy isn’t terminated that way. It’s a process.
I would definitely postpone. This guy has some issues & he’s not willing to work on them.
Post # 5
It sounds like his father’s death has made him question – as he has said to you – what he now wants, and that includes being with you.
You mentioned he’s being saying ‘ pretty nasty’ things, what sort of thing have they been? Along with basically asking you to go away and leave him alone, both of these suggest to me that he wants to end your relationship.
Post # 6
Baal: In terms of nasty things, it has been mostly name calling. Up until this point our relationship has been pretty rock solid. He even had a motorcycle accident 2 years ago and was off work and home bound for 3 months whilst undergoing extensive rehabilitation. If he wants me to leave him alone he will tell me to f*#@ off or if im talking to him, even if its just telling him about my day, and he isnt in the mood to listen he will tell me to shut the f*#@ up. At one point when I was trying to talk to him about couples counseling he told me to just harden up and stop worrying. He thinks we are fine.
Post # 7
sassy411: I dont have reason to believe he isnt telling me the truth about counseling, but then again I dont know what to believe anymore…
Post # 8
Ouch. It sounds like he is treating you pretty poorly. Postponing a wedding is a big deal and should be discussed properly. If it were me I would leave and tell him if he wants to postpone he needs to sort out the vendors and guests himself. I’d give him space to work his head out and if he does want to be with you he’d need to take steps to make things right.
It doesn’t seem like getting married at this point would work. You can’t commit the rest of your life to someone telling you to fuck off. There’s no excuse for that.
Post # 9
I don’t want to make you feel worse about an already sad situation but in my (considerable!) experience, warning bells should ring loudly whenever a partner says they don’t know what they want. Because it almost always means “not you”. Or certainly, what they want is life to change in a way that probably doesn’t include you. His disinterest in what you have to say and unpleasant habit of telling you to “fuck off” doesn’t sound like a man who has any intention of getting married in 9 weeks. And to be fair, do YOU want to be married to someone who treats you like this?
I\d another person who is surprised to learn that his counsellor would sign him off as “in the clear”. Therapy doesn’t work like this. It might be that the course of therapy he was on came to an end but rarely are people declared as “all clear”.
I think you need to listen to what he’s telling you and take it seriously. That’s not to say you should be a doormat because you are entitled to express your feelings too. But right now, you aren’t in a good place to sustain a marriage.
Post # 10
<br />OP, if he isn’t sure about what he wants right now, and that may or may not include you, that’s not a firm basis for the marriage you want to create. Especially if it turns out that he DOESN’T want to be with you. My heart is breaking for you right now, please don’t think it’s not, but you need to set yourself up for success in the long run. Give him the space he thinks he needs (God knows I love my DH, but once in awhile I need to get away for a couple days!). Absence can make the heart grow fonder–“Oh man, I really miss SO…”–but it can also make you realize what you thought you wanted, you really don’t (IE, Dang it’s kinda nice to be able to speak without worrying I’m gonna set SO off…). It kinda sounds like this relationship is getting emotionally abusive, and it may do you both a world of good to re-evaluate.
Post # 11
Ugh this is one of those lose-lose situations where only you can make the choice of what’s best for YOU (singular, as in excluding your fiancé from the picture completely).
He fell apart and for unknown reasons is unwilling to work on that right now. The wedding will NOT fix that. Whatever problems you have right now will be exacerbated when you marry (the same is true for whatever happiness you enjoy btw, this isn’t a negativist outlook).
If you decide to postpone it might very well be the end od the relationship for you. I’ve yet to meet a woman whose FI called it off and she stuck with him and they’re still together. Doubts, however, will plague you: did you abandon him in his time of great need/grief, could you have gone thru with it and then maybe he’d be happier, what if…
If you decide to not postpone the wedding he STILL might call it off entirely in the next 9 weeks. It’s a lot better to do it at T-9 weeks than to be jilted at the altar. If you don’t postpone and still go thru with it you will ALSO be plagued by doubts: what if he didn’t really want to marry you,what if it gets infinitely worse and this time you can’t leave him so easily, what if …
It doesn’t really seem like he’s thinking about you right now (his adamant refusal for couples counseling, his telling you to stfu, etc) which means YOU have to start thinking about YOU. Do YOU want to marry this guy right now? Will it bring general/overall happiness, love and well being into your life? Will this relationship bring out the real you so that you may freely express yourself in this world? Will you be happy? ARE YOU HAPPY? So yes, no matter what you choose you will lose (maybe him, maybe yourself). I hope you choose what’s right for you at this moment in time with the information that you have.
Post # 12
Well, I think he is right- at the very least you should postpone!
Post # 13
definitely postpone…you don’t want to have to cancel the whole thing after booking vendors and such.
Maybe tell him YOU need counceling about the relationship and that you need him there….just so he doesn’t feel attacked.
Post # 14
Definitely postpone. However I would make HIM call all of the vendors and cancel. People may think that’s a little mean given the loss of his father a year ago, but if HE wants to call it off then HE should be the one to cancel the vendors.
I definitely agree with the PP’s about the counseling thing. Rarely are patients given an “all clear” as therapy is a process.
Post # 15
He sounds checked out of the relationship for whatever reason and is treating you horribly. How can he say the relationship is fine when you are both miserable? Defintely don’t marry him in 9 weeks!