Post # 1
So FI’s dad (FFIL) does not speak to many of his brothers and sisters due to a long-standing family drama that happened more than 15 years ago. Due to that drama, FFIL only speaks to his one sister and one brother. Basically the other members of the family “disowned” the brother FFIL still talks to (for a very stupid reason) and as FFIL still talked to his brother, they “disowned” FFIL as well, and his family, including FI. FI never got any acknowledgment or gifts on birthdays, Christmas, etc. from his grandmother (FFIL’s mother) or these other aunts and uncles growing up after the drama (since about age 12). FFIL almost died a couple of times due to heart attacks about 5 years ago and none of his brothers and sisters that he doesn’t speak to acknowledged it (they knew about it and the sisters work in the same hospital where he was staying), called him, or did anything.
FFIL does not want us to invite any of the aunts/uncles he doesn’t speak to, and FI agreed to respect his wishes. The aunt and uncle that FFIL does talk to are invited.
Well, one of these aunts Facebook messaged FI today and said the following. How do we even respond/handle this? Invites haven’t gone out yet but the STDs did and obviously they didn’t get one.
“I know this is kinda crazy questions…but if possible could we just come to the ceremony if it is separate from your other stuff. (Her husband) sure would like to see you get married….think about it….” and then she goes on to discuss how FFIL ignores her if he sees her in the store, etc.
I will let FI handle it as it is his family, but he obviously wants some advice about what to do. I’d like to see what you Bees suggest, because I’m at a loss (beyond it being so obviously rude to invite yourself to someone’s wedding via Facebook – especially with all of this drama).
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
I wouldn’t invite them. My dad’s feelings come waaaaay before someone’s that treats him like that! If they haven’t seen youe FH since he was 12, why do they want to see him get married & be in his life now? No, just no. I probably wouldn’t respond to the message but I’m not good in the confrontation department haha. What does your FH think about the situation? What about your FFIL?
Post # 4
This is between the uncle and FI. FI is now an adult, he was not involved in this family feud, and strictly speaking, can make his own choice. I would not be surprised if he chooses to discuss it with his father, however.
I do wonder if this could this be an opportunity for your FFIL. You say that he was disowned, but this aunt says it’s your FFIL who doesn’t acknowledge her. Could there have been some misunderstanding? It would be nice if your wedding was an opening to some kind of rapproachment.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t invite them. I’d respect FFIL’s wishes. They didn’t see their own brother after he almost died even though they worked in the hospital and have ignored your FI since he was 12 and now she wants an invite to your wedding? F*ck that.
Post # 6
@MsYankee: Oh, I should be clear – we’re not inviting them. But how do we respond?
Post # 8
@MsYankee: Since your FI has no relationship with this person I think it’s up to his dad. Ask his dad and respond as he’d like.
Post # 9
That was just beyond… ballsy to message someone on facebook to ask to come to your ceremony. Especially when they’ve made no attempt to have contact with your fiance! What is it about wedding’s that make people come out of the wood work?
I’d just say something simple such as “I apologize but the guest list has already been set.”
The end. You don’t owe her any explanation or story or any other response really
Post # 10
@MsYankee: Personally I’d just flat out say no and move on. I mean seriously somebody who ignored their own brother’s heartattack over a very stupid reason is not somebody who I would deem worth my time.
It’s certainly not the most mature route but it’s the one I would take.
Puuulease, how can they think that it’s okay to ignore your FI for years and years on Christmas, Birthdays, ect but then invite themselves to your wedding? That is crazy rude.
Post # 11
Sounds like they’re angling for a full invitation by asking for a seemingly small part of the day (IMHO). How rude. Here’s what I’d say if I were your FI:
“I’m sorry, AuntBetch, we’re not able to accomodate you at our wedding.”
Simple. Final. And then I’d ignore any further messages/emotional blackmail she sends.
Also: life is short. These people need to get together and let this go.
Post # 12
I agree with everyone else and say NO! I think she asked you thinking you might be sympathetic towards the situation, hold strong with FI and FFIL’s request there’s clearly a reason why none of them speak and I wouldn’t want to get involved.
Post # 13
Something along the lines of ”The guest list is already set. As for your troubles with my father, I think it would be more appropriate for you to discuss this matter with him.”
Post # 14
I just talked to FI – he’s going to talk to FMIL first because he knows his FFIL will be so upset and angry that she did this so he’s going to see what his mom says first. I told FI my advice is to tell her that we’re respecting FFIL’s wishes and she would need to take it up with him.
I should add that the sister that FFIL does still talk to is in communication with the others – she kind of plays both sides. So no doubt info about the wedding is getting shuttled to them.
Post # 15
@MsYankee: I would say something like “We are only inviting close family and friends.” Or just “No, sorry.” Why the f should he be invited when he hasn’t cared about anything else in your FI’s life? I can’t believe they have the nerve to ask that in the first place. And if they get offended, who cares? It’s not like they have a good relationship that might get damaged. I can’t get over how rude people become when weddings are involved.
Post # 16
He doesn’t really have a relationship with these relatives, so it is weird that the aunt would even message him about wanting to be at the ceremony.
Two of my mom’s brothers and some of my cousins will not be invited. The two brothers have been absolute assholes to my mom and I just don’t really have a relationship with those cousins. If anyone contacts me about not being invited I will just explain that close family will be there, and I don’t have a close relationship with them.