Help!!! What would you do???

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What would you do:
    Kick Bridesmaid Q out and have even 3 and 3 bridal party and waste her dress? : (16 votes)
    55 %
    Kick Bridesmaid Q out and have N replace her for 4 and 3 again? : (4 votes)
    14 %
    Keep bridesmaid Q and not asking bridesmaid N? : (5 votes)
    17 %
    Keep bridesmaid Q and also ask bridesmaid N for 5 and 3? : (4 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 2
    622 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    MissGatitas:  She seems like the type that doesn’t want to RSVP with a “no” and just doesn’t show up instead and then makes excuses about it, which IMO is way worse than just saying “sorry can’t make it” from the get go. I’d talk to her one more time and tell her you need a definitive yes or no (if your wedding is 94 days away her morning sickness should have subsided by then) I mean we’re talking about a wedding, not girls night out, you need to know. If she still seems flaky I’d drop her from the roster!

    Post # 3
    8720 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    if you had your shower already I assume your wedding is close? I wouldn’t ask someone else at this point no matter what. I also wouldn’t depend on Q. I don’t think I would kick her out. Honestly, I would’ve never asked her in the first place bc of what she did to your other friend.

    Post # 4
    671 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    MissGatitas:  Ergh, Q sounds like a flake. This won’t sound nice, but I’d drop her from the bridal party. Look what she did to your other friend… Would talking to her help? I don’t think there’s a point really, she’s already shown she can’t send you or anyone a simple text to say she can’t come to the shower. It’s a bit rude. I’d give Q’s dress and place in the BP to N (assuming the dress will fit etc). 🙂

    Do you think Q would be upset about being dropped from the BP?

    Post # 6
    4956 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    MissGatitas:  Honestly, her just saying “what if I’m sick and can’t come” shows me that she’s already thinking of excuses to not show! If I was in my best friends wedding, I would show up regardless of sickness – unless I was in the hospital! 

    I think you can do two things:

    1) Discuss with her your concerns, bring up how hurt you were about the bridal shower. Bring up B’s wedding. If she says shes going to show, I would just let her be in the bridal party. If she ends up not showing, I would just not ever speak to her again. Sorry, there is NO excuse to not show up to a wedding unless youre in the hospital/someone died.

    2) Ask her to leave the bridal party. This may cause the end of your friendship but she sounds super unreliable anyway. Or, you could play up the “you may be sick” angle. If this happens, I highly doubt she will show up to the wedding as a guest. 


    The ball is really in her court. If she shows, your friendship will continue. If not, I’d never speak to her again.

    Post # 7
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I would try to see Q in person and tell her you think its best she attend, if she can, as a guest. She already gavd you an out so take it. I wouldn’t replace her though.  Glad you and N are becoming close, but switching out BMs just rubs me the wrong way.

    Post # 8
    42082 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Honestly, I wouldn’t waste any more energy on it. If she shows up, she shows up. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t.

    She bought the dress. If it doesn’t get worn it’s her waste, not yours.

    N will understand about not being a bridesmaid. We can’t include every new friend we make in the year before the wedding.


    Post # 9
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    MissGatitas:  Drop her. Childhood friendship does not a bridesmaid make. Tell her that with her track record, or with uncertainty that she’ll show up, you think it’s best to not put any pressure on her to be in the wedding party. Let her know you still really want her to be there and want her to be a part of your day, but you want to give her a break.

    Post # 10
    1202 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Whatever you do, you cannot replace a bridesmaid.  

    There are no understudies, no 2 tier, no backup bridesmaids.  You can’t say to a woman “We weren’t good enough friends for you to make the first round, but you’re certainly good enough to fill in a spare dress I have laying around!”  If you want to add N to the bridal party and procure her a new dress that’s a different story, but you can’t take Q’s dress and give it to N.  No. 

    Post # 11
    1464 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I think Q and N are separate issues.  If you want N, ask her.  Q shouldn’t affect N being picked as a bridesmaid.  I agree, to have her as a “backup” isn’t right.  You either want her there or you don’t.  Plus, it will be a lot less hurtful to Q if she sees that you selected N regardless of if Q is there or not.  If you kick Q out and THEN ask N, it will look way too intentional.  It will also mean more to N to be picked regardless of Q, rather than as a replacement.

    I would give Q the benefit of the doubt and let her stay a bridesmaid, but just be aware that she might not show.  I would plan for both scenarios, and let the rehearsal be the answer.  If she’s there, rehearse with 4 or 5 bridesmaids (depending on if you ask N).  If she’s not, rehearse with 3 or 4.  If she doesn’t show to the rehearsal, I’d probably ask her not to attend the wedding.  

    Keep or return the extra bridesmaid gift if she doesn’t show.  I’d also plan to end the friendship if she doesn’t show, because that speaks volumes.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Lavender28.
    Post # 12
    250 posts
    Helper bee

    I would not ask N.  You have your party set at this point and you have already had a shower so it will look like a back up even though you do not feel that way.  

    I would wait to see what happens at the rehearsal.  Did Q purchase a dress last time and then not show? If she is a no show for the rehearsal I would just go with even numbers and call her that night saying that it may be best for her to just be a guest as she missed the rehearsal dinner and be done with it. 

    That said I probably would distance myself from her if she is a no show.  She seems to be disrespectful to her friends and quite selfish.  You deserve more than that out of a friend.

    Post # 13
    722 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    The best predictor of future behaviour…you know where I’m going with this.

    If you want N in the wedding party, ask her.  It’s a separate issue altogether from Q.

    Q sounds like a huge flake and an inconsiderate person altogether. You don’t get to expect that people will be understanding of your morning sickness when you can’t even understand how important it is to give people a heads up that you’re going to no-show.

    The fact that she did it for the shower shows that even though you are closer friends, she feels NO MORE responsibility to you than the other friend who she flaked on.   I mean really…could she have not had her partner send a text if she was so sick she couldn’t attend the shower? Ridiculous.

    People like that drive me crazy.  There will always be another excuse.  This time it was that she was sick,  Next time her tire will go flat before the bachelorette, the next time it’ll be that a sink hole swallowed her house unexpectedly.  It’s all BS.

    What to do about it?  Leave her in the wedding party if you want, just expect that she will no-show.  I would go as far as to not even set a place at the head table for her.

    Post # 14
    722 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Also…unless you’ve seen the dress yourself or have some sort of confirmation (other than Q) that it was purchased…I also call BS on that one…

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