Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2014 - Blue Horse Farm
I’m in a bit of a dillemma and could use some advice. My wedding is 94 days away and I am having issues with the bridal party, one bridesmaid in particular.
A little background – the bridesmaid in question is a friend I have known since we were in junior high. We were friends all through high school and were even roommates in college. I was in her wedding two summers ago. We have another friend who went to high school(we’ll call her friend B) with us that is in the wedding and had her wedding last year. The bridesmaids in question, I’ll call her Q I guess, was a complete FLAKE for friend B’s wedding. She RSVP’d yes to the bridal shower and was a no call no show, same thing with the bachelorette, and SAME THING WITH THE ACTUAL WEDDING. So yes, friend B spent money on her and her husband’s meals and she didn’t have the decency to call. She just sent a text after and said hey, sorry, I will send you a wedding gift. And she never did that either.
The reason I brought the back story up was I was engaged at the time and had not picked my wedding party yet, but it was pretty much a given that these two would be in my party. Needless to say, those actions made me pretty leary of having bridesmaid Q in my wedding but her and bridesmaid B were not as close as we were and she assured me everything would be cool.
Sunday was my bridal shower, she was wishy washy about RSVP. One day it was yes, then it was probably, then it was maybe, then yes and then the day of the bridal shower comes and she does not show and does not call anyone. After the bridal shower she did not reach out to me to say anything or apologize, I had to text her this morning and ask her if everything is okay and that I was bummed to miss her on Sunday! She said she was sorry, that she has had really bad morning sickness (she is about 4 weeks pregnant now) but that she picked up her dress. I told her that she could have at least called and let people know and she agreed and said sorry again.
I told her nicely that I completely understand that with her being pregnant now that I would completely understand if she though being in the wedding would be too difficult and that I would not be mad if she wanted to drop out. I was polite and said that I expect and need her to be at the rehearsal the night before and at the wedding by 2 for pictures and said I completely understand if the drive both nights or staying over was too much for her (it’s an hour and half drive for her). She said that she wants to be in the wedding and that she promises she will be there. But also said what if she is sick and can’t come? and basically left the decision up to me.
I’m torn on what to do – obviously she is one of my best friends and I want her there, but I don’t want to stress about her not showing up. If she were out of the wedding I would buy her dress from her so her money wasn’t wasted. Right now we have 4 bridesmaids and 3 groomsmen so her dropping would even them out, but I also wouldn’t want to waste the dress and I have another friend N that I really want to be a bridesmaid. I was thinking of giving her Q’s dress if she is not in the wedding. I actually was thinking of just asking N to be a bridesmaid anyway because she has become one of my best friends over the year and I don’t foresee that changing – she is marrying one of my oldest guy friends that is also in our wedding. I guess if you were in my situation, what would you do? Thanks for reading this, I know it is long!
Post # 2
MissGatitas: She seems like the type that doesn’t want to RSVP with a “no” and just doesn’t show up instead and then makes excuses about it, which IMO is way worse than just saying “sorry can’t make it” from the get go. I’d talk to her one more time and tell her you need a definitive yes or no (if your wedding is 94 days away her morning sickness should have subsided by then) I mean we’re talking about a wedding, not girls night out, you need to know. If she still seems flaky I’d drop her from the roster!
Post # 3
if you had your shower already I assume your wedding is close? I wouldn’t ask someone else at this point no matter what. I also wouldn’t depend on Q. I don’t think I would kick her out. Honestly, I would’ve never asked her in the first place bc of what she did to your other friend.
Post # 4
MissGatitas: Ergh, Q sounds like a flake. This won’t sound nice, but I’d drop her from the bridal party. Look what she did to your other friend… Would talking to her help? I don’t think there’s a point really, she’s already shown she can’t send you or anyone a simple text to say she can’t come to the shower. It’s a bit rude. I’d give Q’s dress and place in the BP to N (assuming the dress will fit etc). 🙂
Do you think Q would be upset about being dropped from the BP?
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Blue Horse Farm
RedheadMeggs: Agreed, she is definitely flakey and weddings are stressful and not cheap, so a simple RSVP or heads up that she is not going would be appreciated!
gelaine22: I definitely regret asking her in the first place but I guess I felt obligated. She was so excited for me being engaged and then what she did to my other friend I was SO hesitant at that point but she kept bringing it up and said she would be different with me becuase we were much closer. In hindsight, it was totally stupid.
FemShepN7: I think N would have to take the dress in a bit but she had said she would love to be in the wedding since she was already going to be hanging out with us the morning of and getting hair and makeup done (she’s a good friend and her husband will be there with the guys so it just made sense). I do think her feelings would be hurt, but when I ask her about it she says she will be there but then follows up with well what if I am sick, etc. I don’t want people stressed or mad at me for things I can’t control – which I totally get. I don’t want to kick her out becuase she is pregnant and could potentially be sick, all of my other bmaids are trying to get pregnant so that’s not an issue for me. It’s just her flakiness in general. She ultimately left the decision up to me when I asked her what she wants to do which just stinks! I wish she would just come out and say she can’t swing it!
Post # 6
MissGatitas: Honestly, her just saying “what if I’m sick and can’t come” shows me that she’s already thinking of excuses to not show! If I was in my best friends wedding, I would show up regardless of sickness – unless I was in the hospital!
I think you can do two things:
1) Discuss with her your concerns, bring up how hurt you were about the bridal shower. Bring up B’s wedding. If she says shes going to show, I would just let her be in the bridal party. If she ends up not showing, I would just not ever speak to her again. Sorry, there is NO excuse to not show up to a wedding unless youre in the hospital/someone died.
2) Ask her to leave the bridal party. This may cause the end of your friendship but she sounds super unreliable anyway. Or, you could play up the “you may be sick” angle. If this happens, I highly doubt she will show up to the wedding as a guest.
The ball is really in her court. If she shows, your friendship will continue. If not, I’d never speak to her again.
Post # 7
I would try to see Q in person and tell her you think its best she attend, if she can, as a guest. She already gavd you an out so take it. I wouldn’t replace her though. Glad you and N are becoming close, but switching out BMs just rubs me the wrong way.
Post # 8
Honestly, I wouldn’t waste any more energy on it. If she shows up, she shows up. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t.
She bought the dress. If it doesn’t get worn it’s her waste, not yours.
N will understand about not being a bridesmaid. We can’t include every new friend we make in the year before the wedding.
Post # 9
MissGatitas: Drop her. Childhood friendship does not a bridesmaid make. Tell her that with her track record, or with uncertainty that she’ll show up, you think it’s best to not put any pressure on her to be in the wedding party. Let her know you still really want her to be there and want her to be a part of your day, but you want to give her a break.
Post # 10
Whatever you do, you cannot replace a bridesmaid.
There are no understudies, no 2 tier, no backup bridesmaids. You can’t say to a woman “We weren’t good enough friends for you to make the first round, but you’re certainly good enough to fill in a spare dress I have laying around!” If you want to add N to the bridal party and procure her a new dress that’s a different story, but you can’t take Q’s dress and give it to N. No.
Post # 11
I think Q and N are separate issues. If you want N, ask her. Q shouldn’t affect N being picked as a bridesmaid. I agree, to have her as a “backup” isn’t right. You either want her there or you don’t. Plus, it will be a lot less hurtful to Q if she sees that you selected N regardless of if Q is there or not. If you kick Q out and THEN ask N, it will look way too intentional. It will also mean more to N to be picked regardless of Q, rather than as a replacement.
I would give Q the benefit of the doubt and let her stay a bridesmaid, but just be aware that she might not show. I would plan for both scenarios, and let the rehearsal be the answer. If she’s there, rehearse with 4 or 5 bridesmaids (depending on if you ask N). If she’s not, rehearse with 3 or 4. If she doesn’t show to the rehearsal, I’d probably ask her not to attend the wedding.
Keep or return the extra bridesmaid gift if she doesn’t show. I’d also plan to end the friendship if she doesn’t show, because that speaks volumes.
Post # 12
I would not ask N. You have your party set at this point and you have already had a shower so it will look like a back up even though you do not feel that way.
I would wait to see what happens at the rehearsal. Did Q purchase a dress last time and then not show? If she is a no show for the rehearsal I would just go with even numbers and call her that night saying that it may be best for her to just be a guest as she missed the rehearsal dinner and be done with it.
That said I probably would distance myself from her if she is a no show. She seems to be disrespectful to her friends and quite selfish. You deserve more than that out of a friend.
Post # 13
The best predictor of future behaviour…you know where I’m going with this.
If you want N in the wedding party, ask her. It’s a separate issue altogether from Q.
Q sounds like a huge flake and an inconsiderate person altogether. You don’t get to expect that people will be understanding of your morning sickness when you can’t even understand how important it is to give people a heads up that you’re going to no-show.
The fact that she did it for the shower shows that even though you are closer friends, she feels NO MORE responsibility to you than the other friend who she flaked on. I mean really…could she have not had her partner send a text if she was so sick she couldn’t attend the shower? Ridiculous.
People like that drive me crazy. There will always be another excuse. This time it was that she was sick, Next time her tire will go flat before the bachelorette, the next time it’ll be that a sink hole swallowed her house unexpectedly. It’s all BS.
What to do about it? Leave her in the wedding party if you want, just expect that she will no-show. I would go as far as to not even set a place at the head table for her.
Post # 14
Also…unless you’ve seen the dress yourself or have some sort of confirmation (other than Q) that it was purchased…I also call BS on that one…
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2014 - Blue Horse Farm
Thank you all for your responses, they have been super helpful so far.
I see when you mention that N is a separate issue from Q and it makes sense. I am against replacing bridesmaids also and actually wouldn’t have thought of it but she mentioned at the bridal shower when this was going on “hey I’ll take her dress and stand in if you want since I’ll already be getting ready with you and my husband is in the bridal party”. I do agree that it would probably hurt Q’s feelings a lot more to include her now so that is a good point. Thanks for mentioning that.
I did text her and she bascially keeps spinning it back on me saying “I have been committed to this wedding but if in the off chance my doctor puts me on bed rest or I’m sick I can’t chance it for your wedding.” she’s also saying that if “I’m mad or just going to be stressed” she will “just send me the dress in the mail”. This is stressing me out because she is spinning it back on me and making it my decision and like it’s my problem! I tried to tell her I get that she was sick and has morning sickness and couldn’t come, that doesn’t bother me at all it’s the simple fact she didn’t have the decency to let anyone know she wasn’t coming, and then when she saw the posts and pictures on Facebook that night she hasn’t had the decency to even reach out and apologize. I had to bring it up to her.
I really didn’t want this to ruin our friendship but she is really mad and keeps asking for my address, ugh, I just wish things weren’t so difficult!