- 7 years ago
- Wedding: November 2011
I post here all the time, but thought I woudl use a different username for obiovus reasons (thanks to the other bees who have given me this idea). Sorry this may be long.
I have been with my FI for about 3 yrs (we’ve been engaged for about 1.5 yrs). We own a house together and are mostly done with our wedding plans. He’s been always very sure of the wedding and other steps we took to move forward. I think in the beginning things were going well enough that I went along with it, but after we bought a place together, I began to realize that he wasn’t necessarily THE ONE. At that point I felt I owed it to us to work it out especially since it wasn’t anything major (like cheating). We went into counseling and things have gotten somewhat better. He REALLY tries to make me happy but I’m really not as happy as I feel I should be. I think about how this should be one of the most exciting/happy times in my life and I”m just frustrating and blah often. Though, he is estatic.
So what’s wrong with my FI? He doesn’t make me feel pretty or like a woman. He doesn’t understand that sometimes superficial things matter (i.e. we got in a 2 week fight b/c he refused to wear a suit or tux to the wedding). I feel like if I bring up something that bothers me, instead of talking about it, he’ll bring up something I do wrong to be able to say well you do stuff wrong too. He’s REALLY opinionated (which I am too), but sometimes he has strong feelings about things he doesn’t know about and it bothers me that he feels his experiences and attitudes can be applied to everyone. Its important to him to have his own money. For example, It was a huge fight to get him to agree to putting more than 50% of his money into the joint account. Also, he has a decent amount of money in the bank, while I have all these student loans (he’s helped me in the past, but then talks about ALL the money he’s given me all the time like he did this extraordinary thing). Lastly, he’s pretty much unwilling to move (he’s lived in the SAME area his WHOLE life even in college), and wants his life the way he wants his life. I really want to go back to school and I’m limited to the area we live in b/c he’s unwilling to move and he’s not FULLY supportive b/c he doesn’t want to live on one income. He complains ANYTIME I travel for work, so even whenI look for interesting jobs its can only be in the area and not working a lot of hours or require travel (which I find just really restricting). He’ll “let” me work at a job that requires travel but will complain bitterly the whole time. Even when I was contemplating plastic surgery he bashed me alot about it instead of just being like I don’t think you need to, but I’ll be there for you if you decide to. I just hate how he often chooses to communicate his ideas. They are often harsh, insensitive and out right rude. This would be fine/more tolerable if he was also very positive verbally, but outside of the daily I love you and the lecture I get on having unfounded low-self-esteem, he’s not really positive.
To make matters worse, I hung out with one of my college friends last night, and had a really good time. He was a guy that I went on one date with and then he got into this long term relationship. When he broke up with her, he called me to ask me out on a date but I was dating my now FI. Yesterday when I was waiting to meet him, I was nervous, and after I was really excited with butterflies in my stomach. I was like a giddy girl after a REALLY good first date. I know the grass always looks greener on the other side, and I would NEVER cheat, but now I feel SO regretful that I am with my FI. This guy was one of the people that haunted me that I never dated.
So I ask… when do you know its time to call it off? I’ve always felt I wish he were a better fit (as I don’t get what I need in the relationship), but I also always felt it would be hard to find someone who is a better fit (which is why we’re engaged). He fits alot of the things that are important that I need (loyalty, fun, good lookign smart, has a good job, etc) And its even harder to see clearly b/c I have a major crush on this other guy.
Thanks for the help!