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yikes, that is tough! I think a daughter's wedding day is so important to a dad that it might break either one's heart if they were overlooked. Are you comfortable having them both walk you down? I think that would be so lovely and make them both feel great. I bet your real dad would feel so honored and special if you included him that way.
i dont mind both walking me down...but my real father wasnt there when i went to prom, had my first day at school and when i had my first date ( my fiance is my high school sweetheart and my first boyfriend/love) he saw me 2 weeks a year but he has only been involved with me for a littlr under 1 year now... i dont want to hurt him but i dont feel its right..
Both! Who says only one person can walk you down? They are equally important to you.
Then you have to weight hurting him/others vs. your feelings of what is "right". That is something only you can decide! I would venture to guess that your real father wishes he could have been there for those things, and the fact that your stepfather was and he wasn't was hard for him. Plus if he is trying to be more involved in your life now, this is a wondeful way to help open the door for a closer relationship. Although I totally agree that you ultimately need to do what is right, I think our weddings are also a great time to honor those we love and that love us (including your grandmother and others who will feel honored by your real dad having this special role).
And one other thing to keep in mind - a good friend of mine never knew her father and never had a stepfather - so she had no one to walk her down the aisle (believe it or not her uncle refused! and her mom didn't even show up) how great that you have two men you consider your father who are there for you on your special day.....
Is there some way you can include them both but still honor the special role you feel that your step dad has played? Like maybe have them both walk you down but (assuming you'll have soemthing like this in your ceremony) when the officiant asks "who gives this woman" it can be your stepdad? I can't think of too many other ways to do this, but perhaps you can think of something else that'll fit in your ceremony?
Ultimately it sounds to me that regardless of biology you feel like it's your stepdad who has been your "father". And while your real dad has been a part of your life, not in a way that makes you feel that he's the one you want escorting you into marriage. It doesn't seem fair for other family members to take that away from you by threatening you. I think that you might politely make it clear to those relatives that if your real dad is more important to them than your happiness, maybe it's not so important to you that they be a part of your wedding. Please don't betray your own feelings b/c someone else is bullying you. This is the beginning of a new stage of your life, and you get to decide how you want to include the people you love in it.
OTOH, if your dad has recently become more involved in your life you might regret not finding some way to include him. I definitely don't think you're a bad person for feeling that it's your stepdad who you want to play the traditional role of father in your wedding But is there anything else that might give him a special role?
thank you janna19.. that helped sooo much! I'm sorry that she had to go through that. That must have been heart wrenching.. :( but, that def. puts things in a lighter note and i understand why they might be getting upset. I have some thinking to do. =)
Hmmm... its always so hard when we realize that the decisions we make for our wedding day might hurt someone's feelings. And its also hard to take everyone's thoughts and feelings into consideration when making these decisions.
You mentioned that you have a good relationship with your real father... perhaps he wasn't there for all of the proms & first dates because he wasn't in the same location as you & wasn't physically able to be there. The fact that he has really been there in the last year makes me think that he is really making an effort in this relationship. It would be wonderful for you to have two dads... what a lucky thing to have!
Perhaps your real father could walk you down the first half of the aisle- this would allow him to do the "fatherly" duty, get pictures, etc. And then your step dad could take you down the second part of the aisle until you meet up with your FI. This might be a good compromise- your family would be happy that your real dad is included. You would get to walk with both of them, separately, giving them each their own moment.
Let us know what you decide to do!
thank you all so much for your help! I think im going to go with them both walkign me down the aisle but ill give my stepfather the first father daughter dance and then my real father.. but i chose a prettier song for my real dad..so he wont mind waiting. :)
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Bwhitehurst - I think as long as you decide what you want to do - and don't just do it to give in to the pressure - you will be very happy with your decision! I think you came up with a lovely solution that makes everyone happy but gives your stepfather a special role (first dance). Keep us updated on how it all goes! When is the wedding?
It does remind me of an early Friends episode where Ross and his wife and her partner were arguing over who does what with the baby, and then Pheobe said something about how lucky the baby was to have 3 parents fighting to love him the best when she could barely ever find one!!
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haha.. the wedding is may 23 2009. very short notice.. but he wanted it. :) yea i hope the first dance works out cause i like that idea. only problem i have now is the aisle is small and not sure if all three of us will fit in the aisle.. i guess i need to go look again.
It sounds like you've got some good solutions, Bwhitehurst, that will keep everyone happy and feeling special! Good luck!
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Okay, I have a stepfather who raised me since i was 3 but i also have a real father who lived in a different state but was always there for me. i saw my real father every summer but it was my stepdad who did everything else.. i wanted my stepdad to walk me down the aisle but my grandmother and a few other relatives think its wrong i dont have them both walk me down.. i dont know if i should have them both walk me or hurt my dads feelings and just have my stepdad do it. relatives are saying they wouldnt support my wedding if i didnt have my real dad do it... am i a bad person? what to do?