Post # 1
So I posted awhile ago about my old friend who I used to be super close to and now we aren’t. I originally wasn’t going to ask her to be a BM then when she finally called me she seemed super excited about being a BM and just assumed she was in it. I caved and asked her. She promised she would come up (she lives in SC, I live in NY) for fittings, wedding stuff etc. She hasn’t even called me since that convo (yes I have called her to try to continue our friendship).
She blew me off when she was home for Christmas, so instead of going to look for BM dresses or even see me…she went to a bar on a Sunday to get wasted with her other friends. I called her…no calls back. It’s just really gotten bad. I occasionally get a comment on Facebook but that’s as far as our communication goes since she doesn’t return messages or voicemails
I’m just at a loss of what to do. I know I asked her to be a BM and I can’t kick her out of the wedding, but I just feel like sadly our 20+ year (yes since we were 3 years old…now 26 years old) friendship is sadly over. It’s been going down hill fast since 2006. Not that I don’t still love her like a sister or wouldn’t help her if she needed me, I’m just emotionally exhausted. I just get sick of thinking how she ditched me to hang out with 21 year olds and get drunk. I know I know, to each her own and it’s her life and I respect that but it hurts me to have her push me to the side when I try to visit with her all so she can go drinking.
I asked her to stand up there on my wedding day and she isn’t even a part of my life anymore at all. I feel like it’s fake and forced.
What do I do? I am a crier so I didn’t want to have a convo with her, I just kept hoping things would change. Should I confront her nicely and give her and out of the wedding if she wants it? No need to waste money if she doesn’t care about me. Or just go get BM dresses with my other amazing girls and tell her we picked them out and she needs to get measured, give her dates and if she doesn’t show up then be done? I know she can send her measurements…that is fine, but fittings she needs to be up here for at the bridal salon.
<grumble…see now I want to cry> HELP! TIPS? SUGGESTIONS? ENCOURAGING WORDS? HAS ANYONE ELSE BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
Post # 3
Why don’t you try to give her an out – a sort of thinly veiled thing where you’re like – hey, I know you’ve been super busy lately since you haven’t had a chance to get together or return any messages so I completely understand if you don’t really have the time or energy to be my BM. I mean, that sounds kind of obvious, but something like that. To blow you off to go drinking when you’ve been trying to contact her forever is a straight up f**k you. That’s not the kind of thing someone does without knowing that they are doing it.
Post # 4
You should have you want in your bridal party and it shouldn’t cause you stress. It’s perfectly fine to let her know that you’ve decided to have a smaller wedding party. No time or money has been invested on her part and she might even be ok with it. Now you won’t have to stress if she can come up or whether she may or may not make it to the appointments.
Post # 5
If I were you I would give her an out. There is a lot of physical distance between you two (NY vs SC) and it seems emotional distance as well. It’s tough when a long-term friend (who has become family) suddenly begins to act like she doesn’t know you. You guys priorities are in different places right now and that’s OK. Just try reaching out to her again via phone and if that doesn’t work..send her a nice e-mail.
Post # 6
Hmm…well, I think it depends on how willing you are to write her off right now. She’s obviously at a very different place in her life than you are in yours, so it’s a matter of do you still want her to stand up there with you, and are you willing to let everything else slide? If you are, then go with your other very amazing bridesmaids, let her know what you picked and dates that she needs to have things in by and see if she responds. If she doesn’t, you definitely have every right to kick her out of the wedding (she sort of removed herself on her own) and consider the friendship finished. If she does respond to everything, my thought is to give her a bit of a break. She’s not at the point in her life where she’s ready to settle down with anyone, and not mature enough to handle one of her friends getting married. She will be there one day though, and you will have been a very good friend to have stuck by her this entire time.
Also, she doesn’t necessarily need to be at the bridal salon for fittings. You can ship her the dress, and she can find a seamstress in her area. I never get my fittings done at the salon the bride gets the dress from. They charge entirely too much, and I have my own seamstress I trust who does all the alterations for me. Just a little tidbit for you!
Good luck, and I hope this works out!
Post # 7
I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. Sounds like she wanted to be involved just to to say she was…and it’s obvious she’s not too good a friend anymore!
To be perfectly honest, I think you can call her to state your expectations and give her an optional out. If she’s ignoring phone calls and important things like dress fittings there is definitely a reason to at least confront her!
It’s always disappointing when a long friendship doesn’t last forever, but sometimes people just grow apart! If she’s not making you a priority I wouldn’t worry too much about you making her one either.
Post # 8
Well you could just let her ignore you and tell her, “This is the dress. Get it ordered by such and such”. But I think the situation is hurting your feelings too much to just leave it at, if she commits great, if not who cares? I think you want to at least clear the air. How about a heart to heart? Let her know you want to talk. If she still refuses to contact you, let her know you’re getting the impression she isn’t into being your BM anymore, and you’d like to discuss it. If she still doesn’t get in touch, let her know that if she doesn’t call you, you are not going to count her in the wedding. Then let her make the decision.
Hopefully she’ll get in touch and you can talk about what is going on. Maybe she’s jealous. Common song around these parts.
Post # 9
I think it is perfectly fine to have a convo with her and give her an out!
If she says she still wants to be involved I would still go dress shopping without her and just get her to send in her measurements – unless she shows initiative to become involved!
Post # 10
Unfortunately I can relate. I asked my cousin to be a bridesmaid, and her 2 year old to be my flower girl.
She (along with my sister and mom) live 2 hours away in my hometown. My mom and sister, who is my maid of honor, have been up about 5 times since wedding planning began. I have invited my cousin to 3 of those trips, and she has said she would be there, and then cancelled before each of them.
The last one I found out she lied about the reason for cancelling. I am not mad, it mostly just hurts my feelings. This was the trip where we chose bridesmaids dresses.
She has not contacted me at all, other than a text to wish me Merry Christmas. She has not asked about the wedding, the dresses, etc.
I am still unsure what to do – I do NOT want to kick her out or replace her. I am considering just asking her if she thinks she has too much going on to be a bridesmaid. She has 2 kids, both under two, and she is a single mother.
Post # 11
Hey dear, I’ve been through this and if I could pass alone one piece of advice –
Her issues likely have nothing to do with you.
I repeat, her issues likely have nothing to do with you. That said, I understand and can sympathize with how you are feeling. It’s SO frustrating to feel like your friend doesn’t want to be your friend anymore. You went out on a limb, asked her be a bridesmaid, and she has had 0 interest or concern about your wedding. You want to un-ask her SO BAD. I know EXACTLY how that feels!
I confronted my (bad) BM and just left it open-ended, “hey, what’s going on?” and the floodgates started!! She cried, she was SO worried I was going to un-ask her. I told her how I felt using I feel ___ when you ___ statements (e.g. I feel frustrated when you shoot down my ideas without offering other suggestions; I feel like you don’t care when you haven’t come visited us in our new house since moving across the country to be closer to friends and family).
Turns out, my assumed “bad” bridesmaid is suffering extreme anxiety and PWD (post-wedding depression), and she hasn’t visited us in our new house since her anxiety is so bad, she can’t drive. She was so sad that she’s been a bad friend, and it took me talking to her, for her to realize that. I wanted to write off our 15+ year friendship and say “if you don’t want to be a bridesmaid, you don’t have to…” – turns out being a bridesmaid was one of the only things she has to look forward to.
Best of luck!! Try to have an open heart and let her talk. Afterall, you’ve been friends for 23 years!! Give her a chance to tell you what’s going on – I would bet it has nothing to do with you. 🙂 Keep us posted!!!
Post # 12
Hah. There’s one in every wedding. Or multiples. I had problems with “friends” of mine as bridesmaids. I also think, as a bride, our emotions are high and sometimes we tend to not act or think like our usual selves.
Yes, its weird that she just assumed she was in your wedding. yes, it was rude she blew you off to try on BM dresses.
However, when you told her you wanted to try on BM dresses, did you ask her before she had made her plans? I’m 25, and I know from experience that sometimes our age group tends to make last minute plans without much thought. Maybe she already had her plans made when you left a message for her?
People who have never been married before don’t seem to understand how important it is to be there for the bride, even friends. However, you can’t take this personally. Its them, not you.
However, asking a bridemaid to go try on dresses is about as far bare minimum as you can go with bridesmaid duties. She at least needs to get measured for a dress. After you calm down (maybe meditate, workout, have a glass of wine) call her and say one of two things, “hey, how are you….etc etc etc… So anyway, I was calling to see if you would be free next Saturday to go look at BM dresses again. I think we narrowed it down, but I want you to like what you are going to be wearing and I really want you to come. It will be fun!…” Or, you can call, with the same casual/cool/laid back attitude and say “hey! how are you…etc etc etc… That’s too bad you missed our bridesmaid dress shopping trip last week. We had so much fun! And actually, we managed to find dresses! I’m so excited! I know you all will look beautiful. Just go to [bridal shop], tell them you are my bridesmaid and they will measure you. I think it costs X. Just make sure that you get there by [insert date] because otherwise your gown won’t be here in time!”
So there you have it. I really don’t think you can de-frock a bridesmaid once they think they’re in. 🙂 Good luck. I know its not easy!
Post # 13
Thanks for all the advice and personal stories. I did ask her to try on BM dresses 2 months before she came home. She agreed. I messaged her 1 week before to remind her and she said “I have no plans so everything is up in the air” So I took that as yes I have no plans so I’ll be there and I’ll call you when I get in.. NOTHING.
I guess after reading I think I’ll pick out dresses with MOH and other BM’s. Tell her she has until X date to send up her measurements and deposit for dress. I will accomodate her by sending the dress down to get altered if she can’t make it up here.
I guess that’s all I can do. After the wedding I just know I won’t talk or see her again unless she makes the effort, which is sad but I have already done so much and just mentally can’t do anything else.
Post # 14
Your plan of giving her a deadline is something I would recommend if she hadn’t been so horrible to you. If I were you, I’d write her a message on FB since she seems to communicate that way and give her an out. Just say that you meant it when you asked her to be a BM, but you’ve noticed she is very busy and would understand if she doesn’t want to be a BM anymore. Tell her that while you didn’t expect her to follow you around to all your appointments, you haven’t even heard back from emails, texts, phone calls, etc. and you feel as though she is too overwhelmed right now. Also say you’re happy with the situation, that the other BM’s have been helping out and have picked the dresses and will be ordering them soon. No hard feelings, you wish her the best.