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I don't really have any advice, but I did want to say how very, very sorry I am for your loss. I can't imagine the kind of strength you must find to cope with the loss of a child, even a child you never held in your arms. It sounds like you and DH are holding tight to each other right now and I think that alone will probably take you far.
((hugs))
Miss Rain
I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss, and that it's really encouraging that you're seeking therapy. I think having someone who is apart from the situation will be really beneficial to helping you sort through all of your feelings.
My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry about what happened....I don't have any great advice, either. For the tragic things that have happened in my life, I have found that time is my best healer. I hope the therapy helps, too. It's wonderful that you and your husband are being so supportive of each other. *giant hug*
@jholler25: I have never been pregnant, so I do not know what you are going thru. I did, though, lose my Mother less than a year ago. She was only 50, and she basically raised me alone. That was tough! I felt the same way. My heart literally hurt and I would just randomly cry. I still do, although time makes it easier.
What has helped me is faith. I don't know if you are religious, but if you are, you can't go wrong with leaning on it. If not, ignore the below. I know that God has plans for every one of us. And, just when you think life has hit bottom, it gets better. Everything happens for a reason. Pain and loss make us stronger as humans, and we need that strength to get through this world (it's a tough world). I am sure you will have a child, and when you do, it will be one of the happiest times of your life. You will look at your son or daughter and you won't be able to imagine life without him or her. But if it wasn't for the tragedy that you had to endure, you would not have him or her. We feel sad when someone dies for selfish reasons: one being because we will miss that person. But, I know my Mother is in a better place and so is your child. Even so, don't feel bad about crying. Crying is good and is part of the healing process. If you weren't upset about it, I would be concerned.
I do sympathize with you, and truly wish you all the best. It will get better, I promise!
I think you need to do whatever works for you, whatever sounds good and like it'll help you get through the day. For me, (I don't necessarily recommend this to others) I started smoking again and drank A LOT of wine. I had quit smoking a few years earlier, but at that time all I wanted to do was smoke and drink. So I indugled myself, for several weeks, and after that I slowly got hold of myself and got back to my normal life. Other things that helped me were talking about it very openly to pretty much anybody and diving back into TTC as soon as the Dr said we could. It gave me something more positive to focus on. Today, it still hurts to think about what happened and particularly if I remember the details, but the wound is definitely less raw than it was in August. Bee wrote about her experiences on Hellobee and I was reassured to read that while as many as 20% of pregnancies end in m/c, less than 3% of all women go on to have a second consecutive m/c. So your chances of a healthy pregnancy after this are very good!
I don't have any advice besides what you are doing. When it happend to me I drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney for a few weeks, then just... went back to life. For a year or so afterwards almost anything would set me off, so I ended up going to a counciller, which really helped.
I think you are doing everything you can for yourself, and I am so sorry for your loss. It does get better, although I know it can't seem that way now, and the nightmares become less frequent eventually. I'm so happy that your DH is so supportive of you. Sometimes men (and women who haven't experienced this type of loss) cannot fathom why you are grieving, so it is wonderful to hear that he understands and is supportive of you.
I can say that my loss was 5 years ago and it still hurts a bit to think about it, but I am at peace with it now. I certainly don't think about it except every January (when it happened) and if someone brings up a similar story. It does get better with time, but you have to find your own way to get through it.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It definitely isn't something that's easy to deal with but it sounds like you're taking good steps to move in a positive direction. Your dream sounds awful :( I hope its replaced by happier dreams soon!
I also experienced a loss with my first pregnancy. Based on my experience I can say that my biggest mistake was trying to push it out of mind too soon (and it sounds like this wont be an issue for you thankfully). I got really angry with everything and even frustrated with my husband because after the physical part of it was over, I started to feel like everyone else had moved on with life. Nobody talked to me about it/brought it up and it felt like I was dwelling or that it was only real to me. My husband and I didn't continue talking openly about it as much and it just made me feel more sad, confused and alone (It sounds like you have an amazingly supportive husband, I'm sure he'll be such a help guiding you through this and you'll be that much stronger for it).
After a minor meltdown on my part, my husband finally clued in that I couldn't possibly move on from it all at his pace and he took the initiative to arrange a meeting with our Pastor. That was my turning point. Having my husband and Pastor acknowledge how real my pain was, was a big help. Talking it through with them both was invaluable. TTC again was freeing in a way too. Becoming pregnant a second time just changes the focus and while you're grieving for your little bean, you've at least gotten back your hopes/dreams of the future and parenthood.
I think you meeting with a counselor could be a big help. I'd also say that your talking about it with your husband is amazing. While everything is still so raw its probably hard to feel it making a difference, but I can tell you that without that outlet/support it feels worse. Just do what you feel you have to and feel however you feel - for however long that is. There's no real right or wrong in all of this.
Otherwise, just have faith that with time it becomes easier. Its still painful. Reading your story and writing this myself brings me right back and is hard, but I guess I'm just able to accept it now and be at peace. While I couldn't see it at the time, looking back I truly believe it was all part of a bigger plan for us and that helps. Hopefully once you've gotten through the worst of it and you have your happy ending you'll be able to reflect on things in a similar way. Until then, hang in there and do whatever it may be that helps and don't loose communication with your hubby! I hope with time you feel lots better!!
ETA... sorry thats so long.... whoops!
@jholler- I think you seeing a councelor is the best thing you can do. Talking about it, even thought it was hard really helped me just get those feelings out. I had my MC in the begining of December and I honestly still think about it everyday, cry multiple times a week, but it is not so consuming. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I agree with pretty much everything @chastenet: wrote. It's pretty much identical to how I dealt with it...I self-medicated with cigarettes and booze. I didn't talk about it to everyone...my ILs still don't know...but I was very open about it with the people who did know, like my best friends and my SIL.
I took it one day at a time...and did whatever it took to get me through that day. The first day or two or three I didn't even want to get out of bed. Eventually, it became less of a struggle to find reasons to get up and be a productive member of society. It still hurt like hell, but I couldn't let myself wallow in misery forever, as much as I wanted to...it wasn't fair to my husband, and it wasn't fair to me.
I leaned on DH pretty heavily, too...while I was falling apart he was trying his best to hold me together. He was very stoic about the whole thing, which at the time was infuriating, but looking back, it was exactly what I needed him to be. He was strong for me when I couldn't be. He was happy we had finally gotten pregnant after nearly a year, while I was convinced that we'd try for another year just to lose that pregnancy. He was very sad, of course, but but he put that aside to take care of me.
And like @chastenet:, we started TTC again pretty much right away, and that helped.
Anyway J, all you can do is whatever gets you through the day. I don't advocate smoking and drinking to the extent I did, but don't be scared to talk about it. Once I was open about it with people, I was shocked by how many of my friends and family members had gone through a pregnancy loss, and just never talked about it. It felt like I had a whole village of women who had been there...added on to the multitude of women I talked to online, both here and elsewhere. As much as my husband tried to be supportive, there's no way any man can know exactly how deeply this loss cuts.
We love you, J, and I promise, it gets better. It gets easier. It doesn't go completely away, but eventually, it won't be at the forefront of your mind. You'll keep moving forward, because it's really the only option. You could drown yourself in it, but that's not fair to your husband, or to you. You're going to be okay. You're going to get through this. This will get easier. You WILL be a mother.
@Mrs Sarah McK: I completely agree with what you said about how once you talk about it, suddenly everyone tells you about their experiences and you realize HOW MANY people it happens to. No one talks about it, but once they open up you see that there are many, many of us who go through this in life.
Share with people you love & trust. Cry when you feel like it. Find others who have gone through what you have gone through and share with them. I haven't gone through this loss, but have dealt with a huge loss in my life, and dealing with it is the best way to get your life back on track.
For me, the only thing that really helped was time. Like you, I was caught off guard at how upset I was over the loss (it was an early loss at about 5-6 weeks...I never really knew, because I gave up on OPKs and then got pregnant late in my cycle). For the first few days I cried all day. For the first week, I cried every day. I couldn't talk about it in person for the first week or so. Then, I was able to start talking about it, but talking about it made me cry.
I also self-medicated with lots of wine, then a month later with a vacation with DH. It took me awhile to get a period again and I wasn't cleared to start trying again until after I got my period. I probably started feeling less depressed/normal after that vacation and after I got my period again (6 wks later). I felt helpless until we could start trying again, but in retrospect the break was good for me. I then felt that talking about it (with family and friends) really did help me.
I would like to say that TTC again helped me move on, but it didn't. I was a crazy person and couldn't have fun TTC anymore. All of my friends (whom I expected to be pregnant with...) were having their babies and I still wasn't pregnant. It took 3 cycles of actively trying to get pregnant again and during that time, I had some pretty blue days, wishing the months away during that time. I wish that I had been able to take a step back, but I am very Type A, and couldn't, and now I do regret that. I was moving in the direction of talking to a professional when I found out I was pregnant. Thankfully, this time it stuck.
There's no right answer as to how to cope. You just have to do what gets you through the days....
@winniewolf: I dealt with it in the exact same way. Great advice!
I do honestly believe that the way that my hormones were directly following my MCs just made it so much worse. Even when I felt like I was having an okay day sometimes for seemingly no reason I'd just find myself sobbing. I talked to my doctor about it (you know about this J) and she said that it was a similar thing as to what happens when new moms get post partum depression. It was absolutely horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. With time it got easier but it's still not something that's easy to accept or think about without a lot of pain. I don't think I'll ever be the same as a result of what we went through.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, just recently suffered a miscarriage of our first. I feel a bit like the guy in Sleepless in Seattle where he says he just concentrates on waking up and breathing each day. I did a lot of reading on the internet - stories of other ladies that it happened to, poems and songs written about ttc loss, etc. At the end of the day, I'm just trying to find solid ground and make it through each day. I'm trying to focus on the future (not forgetting but not letting myself drown either) and that's helping to make facing each day a bit easier.
I'm doing ok these days. Most of the time I'm fine and can even find a moment or 3 of happiness, but there are days and times when it just hits me and it's hard. Like a prior poster said, this experience has changed me.... I'll never be as carefree and innocent about this as I was before. I'll always be remembering the little one that I never got to hold and wishing that I could have met him or her.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you need someone to chat with, feel free to pm me. *hugs*
My mother lost several pregnancies...2 of them were twins. To this day, 25-30 years later it still brings tears to her eyes.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Maintain perspective that you will one day have a baby, and that all of this happens for a reason. I think going to a counselor is such a great idea, as is talking about it.
I know things will work out for you and I hope this gets easier with each passing day.
Oh you poor darling. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know your pain personally but I sympathize and I do know a wonderful blog that when I was not sure how my journey would go I felt instantly in live with this blog: babyborneoorbust.blogspot.com
You'll want to go back to the beginning but basically this woman has fertility issues and a miscarriage but after many struggles for a long time she ends up with two baby girls ) and at 39 no less. She has a lot of pain from her miscarriage so it is all the more amazing to see her reach her goals. Also she has links to other similar blogs of women and their journeys.
Sending you all the healing thoughts and vibes in the universe. I believe that with your go getter approach tou will achieve your goals and find the happiness you have struggled so long for.
@missrain: Thank you:)
@Miss Root: Thank you:) I'm hoping counseling is the key....
@Juliepants: Thank you:) I know time will heal, or least help heal...So I've just gotta get there I guess:)
@TiffanyMM: I'm very VERY sorry for the loss of your Mom. Thank you for sharing that. I do totally agree with you on having faith. I am religious, and I don't understand what God's plan is, but if I didn't have faith that He has one for us, I think life would be a lot harder to get through every day. I still pray every single day for our healthy take home baby. And I thank Him for letting me know that I can at least get pregnant. In a weird way, I think this might have been His way of trying to calm my mind since I've been worried all these months that I was incapable of getting pregnant. So He showed me I can get pregnant, but it wasn't the right time for our take home baby...For whatever reason...
@chastenet: I had stopped drinking wine during the week before I got pregnant, but I have definitely amped it back up to at least 2 glasses of wine a night. Every night. And I've kind of been feeling guilty about that, but thank you for being honest that sometimes we have to do shit like that just to get through things...Wine helps a little some days. And others it makes it worse. But that's definitely been my self-medication...Sometimes I wish I smoked just to have one more outlet.
@LAGS: Thank you so much:) I think you hit the nail on the head with saying that you felt like after the physical part was over, it angered you that everyone else moved on. That's exactly it. I am stuck on it. And everyone is moving on. At first, I did kind of feel that way about my husband, and now I know that he just didn't know what to say. Or how to deal with me. A few days afterwards though, he started reaching out to friends of his that he know had miscarriages before. He has really leaned on them, and I guess they helped to kind of "validate" that I'm not the only woman that ever went crazy over a m/c, as their wives did too, and they've helped DH to deal with me and the whole situation better. After he spoke with them, he talks about it with me regularly. And he'll bring up things that they told him (I really think he's staying in close touch with these 2 friends, like speaking every day)...He'll be cooking breakfast and I'll be standing in the kitchen talking to him about nothing special, and he'll just pop things into our conversation like, "Sam said that when Julie miscarried, they were/felt/did xyz..." And then we'll talk about that....So that's definitely helped me that we discuss it so openly, almost casually. It helps me to know that I don't have to "forget about it" and move on, and I'm not driving him nuts if I bring it up all the time.
@MrsMeNow: Thank you, girly:)
@Mrs Sarah McK: You made me cry. Thank you for always being so sweet to me:) You are exactly right about how it's happened to so many and you find out once you mention it to people....It sounds weird to say that other people's losses could make me feel better, but it did help to know it is so common and most importantly - I haven't met a SINGLE person who didn't have children after it (and it always seems to be the first one!) so that has really helped me. You know I'm clinging to the whole "At least I can get pregnant" thing, and it definitely gives me hope that no one that I've met that miscarried had a problem getting pregnant again. Now I am a woman on even more of a mission to get KU though....And if AF shows in a week, you can probably expect a PM from me on how to get through the first cycle afterwards...I'll basically constantly be harassing you for something from here on out because you always give such good advice and are always so genuine and sweet about it:)
@Janna19: Thank you:)
@winniewolf: Immediately TTC again may be a double-edged sword, you're right...I am 7DPO today, and absolutely FEARFUL about getting a BFN this month. I mean, it took 7 months to get a BFP, and although I really really wanted it every month, I'd never had it before, so I didn't know what I was missing exactly? If that makes sense...I had become afraid of BFNs, but totally expected them. Now I'm so deeply scared of a BFN that I don't know what to do! I'm not normally a super-early tester, but I've already started testing really just to try to ease myself into the fact that I may not be pregnant this month. Because if I wait until 10 or 11 DPO and then get a BFN, I'll probably go insane:( So the m/c has made me come back to TTC with a vengeance, and I don't really know how I'll do with that TBH...I am definitely self-medicating with wine, and I've started to also just not care about buying myself stuff because it makes me feel good. I'm not doing anything stupid, like buying diamonds, but if I want a $65 Lululemon yoga mat that I've been eyeing for ages, then I'm getting it. Or if I see a cute dress in a boutique, and it looks cute on me, then I'm buying it. So that is kind of how I get through each day I guess...Trying to find little tokens of sanity:) Thank you for your advice, as always:)
@Running Elley: I definitely agree with you about the stupid hormones. And the scary thing is that they mimic pg symptoms sometimes - like my killer heartburn that I only got when I got BFP. But I'm trying to remind myself that it's just crazy extra amounts of hormones and the heartburn started even before ovulation, so I don't need to get my hopes up. You are one of my dearest friends, Elley, and your help trying to get me through this has really meant a lot. I hate that you have so much experience with this, but I'm so happy that you have your sticky little one now:)
@dodgercpkl: I'm so sorry you are going through this too right now:( I'm so sorry for your loss.
@Miss Orchard: Thank you:)
@Audreysdance: I will check out that blog...Thank you so much!
@jholler25: My heart huts for u! I am soo sorry ur going through this. I too recently had a miscarriage. It was TOUGH! Personally, i believe everything happens for a reason. I am also a spiritual person and have CLUNG to the verse in Jeremiah 29:11-14. It has helped to know that this wasnt to harm me. This experience has made me stronger, has made me appreciate LIFE and every small blessing. God has a plan for me. So i'm letting His will be done. Until then, i'm just going to live and enjoy life. I pray things get easier for u! (((HUGS)))
@jholler25: I am so sorry for your loss & I totally understand your pain & the dreams. I lost my girl at 19 weeks & honestly it is a process. I went from numbing shock, to devastation, to shock, to sadness, to depression & anxiety. It will be a year on March 26 & I finally feel healed. Take it a moment at a time, do what gets you through the day or night. Therapy helped a ton. I chose individual therapy & not group. I did reach out to on-line groups & emailed & chatted with other Baby Loss Mommas. You can find them at The BabyCenter or just search miscarriage support groups.
I will warn you about something though...sometimes when I was involved heavily with these on-line support groups I felt like it was dragging me down bAck into the black hole. Support is great just make sure it is making you feel some relief in some way & not making you more depressed.
Also if you find yourself needing medical help please know that that is ok. I thought I was "strong enough" to get through the mourning without drugs. Well when the mourning turned into depression & I woke up one day & just didn't want to face another day, wanted to just take a bunch of pills & sleep forever so I didn't have to feel the hole in my heart ~ I knew I need more help. I knew rationally that I would never do any of that but the fact that I felt that much dispair woke me up. I was prescribed Zoloft & now only take 1/4 of the amount I started with.
You will survive this but it will take time. Be kind to yourself.
Hugs & so much love to you!
My suggestion may seem a little crazy. I've talked about it with others through PM who have done it as well and it did seem to help me and them.
I am not good with grief in anyform. Losing my babies, was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. There were days where I wanted to die. I decided to seek counseling. My counselor suggested that we have a mock funeral. Her and I went through all of the steps that you would go through when losing anyone else (but a miscarriage) Burying a box, I didn't have the bodies, but I did have things from the pregnancy to bury in representation of the them, I spoke, and she did the prayers we picked.
This did give me closure. Obviously, it still hurts, but not like it used to. I felt like I layed their souls to rest.
I also had previously come across this site:
http://babyfruit.typepad.com/baby/celebrity_miscarriages/
and I don't know if you read Marley and Me but it details the author and his wife and their struggles to get pregnant after she has a missed miscarriage. They have 3 children now.
I hope you are healing and taking good care of yourself.
@jholler25: Just saw your responses and good lord, I'm emotional because it made me cry! I can't wait until you have your sticky LO! XOXO
@jholler25: I dont have any advice but wanted to send you some love. I dont have any experience with this, but after reading so much here on the Bee I can sincerely say that people in real life dont give enough credit to losses such as yours. I cant' imagine how hard it is and what you are feeling right now. I'm glad you are allowing yourself to cry and seek some counseling....giving yourself room to grieve is such a great example to anyone who has experienced something similar or for those of us that someday may go through this, as well. Your original post made me want to cry and I just wanted to let you know so many of us are thinking about you. <3
I woke up in the nights a few times after we lost our first one, I would be in tears and S would ask me what was wrong and all I could say is "I am sad". It hurts so much.
I posted in hellobee when I was having a really rough time and one of the ladies suggested this to me:
"What helped me after I miscarried was to find some sort of closure. I'm Jewish, and instead of flowers we put rocks on graves. So I found a rock that I love and wrote a message to my baby on the bottom of it. It's in my front yard, where I can see it daily and remember.
There are other things you can do too, like make a box and put things in it that remind you of your baby."
Even thinking about doing that helped me. I am planning, when the gardening stuff comes out up here, I am going to go and find a little figurine to put in my flower garden. I have a few sentimental things that I am going to write on it and I hope that it will help me get closure.
I'm so sorry for your loss, first of all. We lost our baby to a miscarriage in August and were devastated beyond words. We found out during a routine ultrasound that the baby had passed, yet I had no idea it had happened. I wish I had some really amazing advice on how to "get past it" but the truth is I don't think anyone ever really gets over it, I think we just learn to live with it. I couldn't bring myself to try again until this past month, because my due date was scheduled to be 2 weeks from today and now everything has been really hard but the best advice I can think to give is to just keep being open with your DH. Honestly, that has been the only thing that has helped me. I have spoken to a couple close friends that were the only people that knew I was ever pregnant and even though I know they will always listen and be supportive you can't help but feel sometimes like you're being a total downer and I worry that they stress that they don't know what to say anymore so I try to only talk to DH about it. Plus none of them have ever been pregnant before so I'm not even sure they could grasp the intense feelings that come with it that only someone who carried a child could truly understand.
Keep your head up and hold on to faith that you will be a mom in time. TTC after a loss has been a painful process for us and we only just begun - it has been my first week of testing for pregnancy and I've been killing myself wanting it so badly and every time I see a negative sign yet have so far a week late period I just want to cry. BUT I do have faith and so does DH so we hold on to that. I'm sorry if this isn't very helpful, I just thought it might help in itself to know you aren't alone and that you have someone hoping and praying that things go your way as soon as possible!
@mwitter80: Thanks for posting this. We took your suggestion and had a little "burial" today, just DH and me. I actually had put the embryo in the freezer last month when I had a mc (I didn't know what to do with it and thought the doctor might ask for it). They never did ask and I decided I didn't want it tested anyway, but I wasn't sure what to do with it. DH nudged me and said it was time to do something about it, it couldn't stay in the freezer forever (sorry, I'm sure that sounds really gross/morbid). I'd been thinking about your post and asked DH if we could bury it together. He liked the idea and suggested the nature preserve where we got engaged. He suggested that we bury it under a tree and mark the spot by carving a cross into the tree. I liked that idea, so that's what we did. We chose a really pretty spot near a little pond. We took our pup and let her off leash. She was so happy and excited to be at the park that she made it sort of a happy visit, even though what we were there doing something sad. DH and I held hands and said some prayers at the site. Of course I ended up crying, even though I've been doing pretty well lately, but I do feel like it was helpful. Both DH and I said that it gave us a little more closure.
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I just wanted to see if anyone had any help/advice/suggestions for coping with a loss? TTC after a loss? Anything, really:) This was my first pregnancy/first loss, and I am simply blown away by how hard it has been on me. Do you know of any books? Or blogs? Or anything at all that helped you?
I am seeing a counselor now once a week. I've only been once, so we'll see if it helps?
I have bad dreams. The worst one was of DH and I having a tiny TINY baby, like the size of a finger...And we kept forgetting where we put it bc it was so small. At one point I found it, and picked it up, and was freaking out if it was okay because we had forgotten it again, and blood started pouring out of it everywhere. I cannot shake that one.
The only thing I've found to help:
Being really open about everything I'm feeling with DH and vice versa - literally every day....We talk about it several times a day. It's become part of "us."
This one is dumb, but it works a little bit for me....When running one day, the Alicia Keys song "Sleeping With A Broken Heart" came on....I cried my face off. At first I didn't think that was good, but now I listen to it 2 or 3 times when I'm running and I get a good cry in. I take that time for me. It's funny when you're hurting, you can turn any song into something that relates to your situation....She is talking about an ex-lover....But there are parts that I relate to my lost pregnancy/baby and they make me sob everytime I hear it:
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? Well, you could try sleeping in my bed
You wore the crown You made my body feel heaven bound Why don't you hold me Need me, I thought you told me You'd never leave me
Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love With you Right til the end
So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
So that's all I've got. I'm kind of a mess and not one to be giving advice right now, but I'd love to hear anything that you all can offer if you've suffered through this miserable pain before....And I'm very sorry for your loss if you did:(
Thanks, ladies
-J.