Weddingbee boards

Hi ladies,

I'm a regular poster here but because FI knows my username I didn't want to post under that since I'm about to say some not so very nice things about his mom.

When I read all the posts about awful in-laws I always think how I'm so lucky. His family is amazing. They love me and they get along with my parents. However, his mother is very Catholic and while FI still goes to church on the big holy days I am an atheist.

Up until now this hasn't been an issue, I will gladly go to church (even if it makes my skin itch) to keep the peace when asked. Now that we're wedding planning though his mother has made it very clear that if we don't have a Catholic ceremony that we are "breaking her heart". I thought that the first time they came over to discuss wedding stuff we had cleared this up, we will do a ceremony on the day of the wedding that FI & I are both happy with and then we will do a church blessing. She doesn't seem to be happy with this and is still assuming that a church wedding will happen if she keeps pushing.

Yesterday I took the FILs to see some venues and at one point his mom took mine aside and had a private chat with her. She told her again about how she will be so disappointed if we don't have a church wedding. My mom repeatedly told her that it's up to us where we get married, and that they don't care either way (my parents are not religious and had a city hall wedding as did most of my family). His mom said "you know in my family we don't believe that it's a real wedding unless you're married by the church". My mom was offended, as am I. It's absolutely rude to say that, she's basically saying that my grandparents who have been married for 50 years are not really married in her eyes.

Anyway, I just want to keep the peace. I don't want to cause shit. At the same time I want MY ceremony. I will NOT be bullied into a Catholic ceremony when I don't believe that and I would feel like a hypocrite for agreeing to one. FI feels the same way he's just avoiding talking about the subject to his mom ATM.

What do I do? If I don't agree to a Catholic ceremony she will hate me and will think that I turned FI over to the 'bad side'. He used to go to church before we met so she already thinks it's me doing that to him.

Thanks ladies. I am so frustrated about this that I just want to elope at this point. It's very possible since we haven't booked anything yet.

ETA: She is really a very nice lady most of the time. She is also very much the matriarch of the whole family and really puts a lot of pressure on everyone to do what she thinks is right.

@Just_Squeeze: Thanks. That's exactly my worry, that she will continue to make problems for us after the fact. My mom had similar issues with my father's grandmother (yes, not his mother because she AWESOME) and we just had this discussion earlier and now I am stressing that I will be in for 20 or so years of her hating me.

@daisyfields816: That makes me feel better. It's good to know that your mother has come around. I am really hoping that's what happens! FMIL is not malious at all so I would hope that she could eventually come to see that we are happy the way we are even if we don't have a church wedding. You're in the position that my FI is in right now, he's basically terrified to talk to her because he doesn't want her upset with him & also doesn't want her to think that I put him up to this.

Thank you so much ladies. You're totally making me feel better about this and that I'm not crazy for wanting the most important part of the day to reflect who we really are!

I need to ask FI to speak to his mom again. Hopefully he can get across to her why this is important for us but I know that he has a hard time expressing himself when he feels that he needs to argue a point and I don't want to be the one to talk to her about this.

@DJones6005: I guess the thing is that I see how she is with all the other grandkids and I don't see her behaviour as something I would find annoying or something that would drive me nuts. Yes, I fully expect her to ask us to baptise our kids, which we will do if she makes a big fuss about it. I don't particularly care in that respect because FI and I have an agreement that if he wants to baptise them and take them to church that is his job. He knows what my stance is and how much I will participate. FWIW our kids will end up going to Catholic school most likely because it's the best school in our area.

@UpstateCait: I totally agree with you. She just doesn't see anything outside of her worldview. She cannot even FATHOM that my parents don't feel any different without a church wedding. She already tried to tell me yesterday how I'm not being understanding about something else. I put her in her place because it had nothing to do with her but with something my mom wanted.

Trust me, if she were batshit crazy I would not be agreeing to a church blessing but because she's such a nice person and clearly does like me, I want to compromise.

I know, you're all right, I shouldn't give in at all because it will mean a lifetime of her demanding her ways. I am just very, very aware of the relationship my mom had with my great-grandmother (she lived until 96 and I was 17 when she passed away), I don't want a repeat of that kind of BS.

OP - Do what YOU and your FI want - nothing else.

MIL will get over it or not, but quite frankly, coming from another MOG, tough isht if she doesn't.  Too bad, so sad, boohoo. 

ARGH!  *screeching*.. Sometimes I just want to jump up and slap some of these MILs!  (both brides & grooms sides of the family).

Church weddings... okay, here's my take.  I am disappointed my only son is not having a church wedding.  Allright, I'll get over it.  However, they are having an outdoor wedding.

Now tell me..  where could you have a MORE PERFECT "church" wedding than outdoors?  Outside with the beautiful blue sky; with everything that was created "In The Beginning"?  If someone who claims to be religious cannot see God in all of nature - then in my opinion, they have no clue what religion and God are!

Just.. ARGH!  *stomps foot for good measure*

I swear, one of these days I am going to write some snarky pissy letter addressed to all of your MIL's and tell them to shut the f*** up and let their sons & FDILs alone, to cut the damn apron strings and allow all of you to spread your wings and fly! 

OP - Go for what you want, your way, something you and your FI will remember.  The next thing you know she will be telling you how to raise your future kids, and you really don't need that - nip her in the butt now.  But, DO make sure it is your FI who makes the stand first!

Thanks again everyone :)

I did talk to FI over his lunch break and we are totally on the same page. We just don't think it's a good idea to bring up this whole thing now because FMIL will know that my mom told us about their conversation.

What's funny is that when she brought it up the first time it was when we all (his parents, my parents) sat down to talk about all the wedding stuff. Instead of asking us she looked at my parents like I am a child who needs my parents permission to ask if they are ok with a church wedding in the catholic church vs our church, which we don't go to. (btw, we are 27 and 30, live together in our own place)

I wanted to offer some reassurance, because we've dealt with an even more extreme version of this and it really has worked out over time.  My future mother in law is a very devout Catholic (tries to go to Mass every day) and my fiance converted to Conservative Judaism a few months ago.  She's had to deal not only with it not being a Catholic wedding (with a priest and all), but also with the fact that our wedding will be a devout Jewish one, led by a Rabbi and largely in Hebrew.  It's been a really long process of coming together despite the differences and the honest truth is that I don't think she'll ever be quite as excited about our wedding (or our marriage and our future family) as she would be if it were Catholic.

However, with that said, I respect where she's coming from.  Her faith is one of the cornerstones of her life and I realize that she's experiencing a great deal of loss about her son's departure from that path.  A wedding is kind of like a big run up against some of the harsh realities that parents might otherwise try to ignore.  I bet your fmil is realizing that the family you have with her son is not going to be the same family or lifestyle that she imagined for him.  To some extent, she's probably grieving right now; I know my mother would be if the situation were reversed.  It must be really hard to raise a child according to the path that you believe fully to be correct only to watch them turn away from it.  

Sometimes my FMIL still kind of drives me crazy and I'm sure there will still be more wedding drama to come, but when I get frustrated, I try to remind myself to have compassion for what she's going through.  I may wish that she wouldn't deliberately try to serve meat and dairy together for every meal, but I know even the petty stuff comes from a place of her love for my FI.  It's not going to be easy, but you just need to keep reassuring her that even with all the ways your new life together is going to be different from what she imagined for her son, starting with the wedding, she'll always have a central role within it.  Good luck!