(Closed) Help with DH's hurting friend/coworker

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Honestly, she sounds like a clingy troublemaker. I would keep her very close at hand to make sure things stay in check.  Her problems at work are HER problems, and it sounds like she created them.

Post # 5
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Then he needs to cut the cord.  Hanging out with her last night shuold be enough for the week.  I would stop making all these plans with her.

Post # 6
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

He is going above and beyond for this woman and she may misinterpret it as affection even if that is not the way he intends it.  It is not his responsibility to ensure that her life is awesome and amazing; where are her other friends and family?  I would have a conversation with him about that and segue into how she may misinterpret his behavior and that while you are not worried about him making a move, the co-worker may become infatuated with him and make a move that puts you all in an uncomfortable situation.  I would have him lay ground rules about spending time with this friend; have him suggest the what he believes to be fair and work from there.  I think once a week is enough for the first few weeks but then it should taper off to its normal levels; how often did he spend time with this co-worker outside of work prior to these events?  Use that as a rule of thumb.

Post # 7
Member
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Honestly to me it sounds like trouble waiting to happen. I’d nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand. She might think his attention is something that it’s not – if she doesn’t already. It’s great and all that they’re friends, but I doubt I’d lean on a married man for my emotional support & think that it would fly with his wife.

Post # 8
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with PPs.  I know that your DH has good intentions but I think this work relationship could easily turn into a inappropriate one.  He needs to get out.  Shes an adult – she can figure it out on her own.

Post # 9
Member
2462 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it’s great that you’re both going to be with her tonight. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusions that the other posters are quite yet–if this all just started 2 weeks ago it’s very recent and raw. but if it does keep going like this, I’d talk to your dh about setting boundaries with her and protecting your time with him. being there when he does see her outside of work, like tonight, will help with those boundaries, I think.

a couple years ago one of my dh’s best friends (a guy) broke up with his fiance after she cheated on him and he basically ended up moving in with us, in our very small apt, for almost a month. it was really difficult on our relationship because we had very little privacy/spare time/etc, but in the end, it was temporary, and I love so much how good and loyal my husband is as a friend–it’s really one of the things I cherish most about him.

Post # 10
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LadyBear:   Uh, yeah.  Hell no. 

Your husband needs to set some appropriate boundaries with this woman.   I want to say a lot more but I’ll refrain.

One more thing – you are not being selfish.

Post # 11
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@finnaroo:  +1

Don’t jump to any conclusions quite yet, it is still very recent for her. It is important to be supportive of your husband being a good friend to someone, especially in a time of need. You can’t control her feelings towards him, and to suggest he doesn’t spend too much time with her because she may develop feelings isn’t fair to him. But make sure you guys are talking about whats going on. Keep the lines of communication between you and your DH about it all. I think it’s great that you’re going tonight to show your support of not only her, but your husband being there for her. 

Post # 12
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Wife comes first, always.  If he can be there for her and put YOU first, great.  If not, changes need to be made.  

Post # 14
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

How devstated can you be over the break up if before 2 weeks is up you’re dating someone else that you’re upset about? Sounds like a train wreck no?

I wouuld be concerned that she’s going to fall in love with your DH and become dependant on him for sure if she’s already latched on to a guy after the original break up so badly that he told her to slow shit down.  She sounds rather needy.

Post # 15
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@LadyBear:  I’ll share a story w/you. DH works w/mostly men and there was a woman (older than us) who is divorced w/2 teen girls. She goes out w/the guys for happy hour occassionally b/c she just wants to get out. We had hung out w/her a couple of times and ONE time the thought did cross my mind that they might be getting too chummy.  

So one particular night, the 3 of us went out drinking and DH had to run back to work for a couple of hours….I hung out w/her and she told me that she desperately needs female friends…but none of the wives here go out drinking b/c of little kids.  She feels guilty going out w/married men for happy hour….she’s had crappy relationships, has all sorts of (men) issues w/her daughters, and looking at her on paper she is a train wreck.  She was so excited that DH left and she could just talk. She’s texted ME several times and always gives ME a hug when I see her.  

I guess my point is that she’s a mature woman who sees how hanging out alone w/married men looks bad at work and in general AND she wouldn’t destroy a marriage like that.

Maybe this woman is like that IDK but she might rather talk to you about these things. I’d ask her if she wanted to hang out alone (if you like her) and see if she just wants a woman to talk to…she “might” be talking to your DH to get a male’s perspective on things but there is a time when that crap has to stop. 

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