Help with divorced parents

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Hostess
9919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

MissOtter31:  I went through this in may.  My dad moved out in 2003, they’ve been separated since 2002.  I don’t remember when Dad and Step-mom got married but it’s been at least 7 years.  My mom is still a bit of a baby about it even though she’s been with someone else for 10 years now.

We got around the floral thing by not giving any of the mothers one (helps that MIL is allergic).  My dad had a bout because he walked me down the aisle.

If SM asked about the wedding I told her what was going on – fair enough considering my dad and she helped pay for the wedding.

Your mom is hurt, and she is allowed to be, but she can’t emotionally blackmail you into excluding your future step-mom. 

 

Post # 3
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MissOtter31:  It is inappropriate of divorced parents to play emotional blackmail with their children.

Tell your mother that you wil be treating your stepmother respectfully, as you are sure that your Mom would expect the same treatment for her new husband if and when she should remarry.

You could make sure that all the moms have a unique corsage to go with their outfits rather than have them wear the same corsage.

Post # 4
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

There is a difference between being respectful and asking a mom to share the “mom” honors.   Is your mom actually asking you to exclude her, or just treat her more like an aunt or something.  I agree, no harm in letting her know what you are doing, but I would reserve typical mom things for your mom.  You might try to think about who was a mother to you, and less about your actual wedding.   I suspect treating your SM as a mom will only aggravate things further.   I would say have your dad walk you down the hall, but if you are doing simple corsages, think long and hard about one for new SM.

Post # 5
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

I think you should do what makes you happy and follow your heart.  Your future stepmother sounds like a wonderful woman.  

Post # 6
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

MissOtter31:  I was in the same boat except my mom didn’t even want my Dads new girlfriend at the wedding (even though my mom was bringing her fiance). I tried rationalizing with her but she just flipped out every time. So eventually I told her this is my day not yours. you and dad are both with other people and deserve to be happy so it’s either all or nothing. If your fiance comes his girlfriend comes end of story. My mom was very rude to her the night of the rehearsal dinner which ended with me and my sister in tears and my brother basically telling my mother if she ruins my wedding day none of us will ever forgive her. Wouldn’t you know it come the actual wedding day she was the nicest, most well behaved person. You need to put your foot down now this is YOUR day not hers. If she loves you she will swallow her pride. 

Post # 7
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If your prospecti

angyjaxon:  

 

If the prospective SM was really a nice woman, she would be cautious about overstepping and walking into role of the mother of the bride.  

Post # 8
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MissOtter31: My parents are divorced, and my sister’s wedding was fairly soon after my father remarried. I was expecting a question about whether to allow your father’s fiancee to attend at all!

I think your mother is being entirely reasonable: she is letting your father’s fiancee attend the wedding – that is enough. There is no need to give your father’s fiancee a corsage or anything else. The fact that your father got a bouttoniere at her daughter’s wedding is irrelevant. Giving her a corsage just because she is your father’s partner is like giving one to the best man’s partner. In both cases, they are simply ordinary guests who happen to be the partner of important people at the wedding. 

Of course you can still discuss the wedding and planning with your father’s fiancee, and just not tell your mother. But any sort of “stepmother” recognition is inappropriate, in my opinion, because she had no part in raising you.

Post # 9
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

juanita.kelly.9:  Two way street.  Sounds like OP likes her interacting and involved in her life.  However, your point is taken. 

Post # 10
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

angyjaxon:  

Some people want every conversation to be about their wedding.  Not saying OP is like that, but at the end of the day, I would hope both OP and the future SM think about real values. 

Post # 12
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Can you clarify this sentence –  “Before, when I would go to their house, she never asked me how it was or what we did but now she’s asking more questions and being more receptive.”

<br />Were you expecting your mom to ask about how things were at her Ex’s house?  With his new wife?<br /><br />

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it was wrong of you to be dissappointed that she did not want to hear about her ex.  You sound like you lack compassion.  You are an adult, it is common courtesy to not discuss ex (unless unusual situation). 

Post # 15
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

 MissOtter31:  I think you have a wonderful idea of how to handle your stepmom in your wedding in treating her like a really good friend.  I think that is a great combination

juanita.kelly.9:  This is not your friend’s Bill and Susie breaking up.  This is OP’s mom and dad.  Imagine suddenly never talking to your mom about your dad.  Adults might not talk about eachother’s ex’s infront of eachother, but children should be able to talk about their parents. 

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