- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
Well, the fiance and I had a huge row the other day and we ended up not speaking for a week. We only begun speaking at the weekend. I feel I am going crazy because no one seems to understand the frustration I feel.
My fiance had been in a relationship with this girl, whom I shall call Laura, for three, almost four, years – a long time. They moved in together, they went on numerous holidays, all the usual, coupley stuff. However, one of the main reasons they broke up is because she wanted to get married and he (supposedly) didn’t. From what he’d always told me, she’d treated him appalingly, he felt guilt-tripped into being in a relationship/living with her, and she wasn’t very stable.
I still find this quite difficult to understand because, at the time, he was a 28 year old man, who I believe could have made his own decisions. He is very stubborn also. Whenever I ask why he stuck around, he said the situation was easy to ignore because he was away for work a lot. He completeley contradicts himself when he says that if he’s not happy about anything in his life, he will remove himself from it.
Fast forward two years after the break-up and I come onto the scene. We met on holiday and discovered we lived really close to each other. As far as I was concerned, we both had no emotional ties or were speaking to people from our past. In fact, when an ex boyfriend tried talking to me on Facebook, my fiance sent him an angry Facebook message telling him to leave me alone! He even said to me, “I wouldn’t talk to my exes, so I don’t understand why you’d talk to yours, either!”.
Nine months into our relationship, I was getting upset and frustrated by the fact I STILL hadn’t been introduced to his family, despite them living so close. I was the girl who he supposedly loved, wanted to marry, have children with, yet I felt left in the background. Not only this, but I soon discovered messages between him and Laura they’d sent throughout our relationship. They only really started when he began seeing me. She’d say things like, “I love you”, “I really miss you”, “I really hope your girlfriend doesn’t mind us chatting like this…”. When her nan died, she wrote him a message saying, “My nan died today and you were the first person I thought of”!!!!!
Not only this, but they’d been meeting up behind my back, which drives me insane as I don’t know what was discussed or said or done. He didn’t mention my name in any messages and even initiated some of the chat, and called her the same nickname as me. Possibly the most hurtful thing he wrote to her was, “It was so hard seeing you today, Laura, as I will always care for you”.
Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated. I was head over heels in love with him but it felt as though a bit of my love for him had been chipped away. I find myself thinking about it still and I can’t get it out of my head or move on. I feel like the first year of our relationship didn’t mean anything to him.
Now I’ve discovered that my fiance’s sister, who I’ve made my MOH, said around the same time that she still loved Laura, as did their mum, so it was going to be weird when meeting me. I can’t help but feel like second best to someone who was deliberately trying to be difficult or hurtful. I’ve been overly trying to make contact/visit them but I now feel they maybe have her in the back of their mind the whole time. In fact, when the sister and I met up to get each other better for the first time, she said it was hard for her mum, as she really took Laura in as a second daughter with all her “family problems”. Laura says that her and her own family don’t get along, that they treat her so badly… yet all she does is hang around with them. ALL THE TIME.
Despite the fact we’re engaged, the sister still has Laura on Facebook as a friend, as well as her whole family – sisters, mum, aunt. My fiance still has her relatives on there too. It’s not as though he had children with her or a mortgage – there was no need for them to keep talking. He got job interviews through her sisters, worked alongside her mother for a while, all whilst we were together.
People say, “you’re the one he wants to marry, not her”. But that’s all well saying when his actions say different. He speaks of all these bad things she did to him, yet still feels the need to talk to her? I think that if I hadn’t discovered the messages, he would have still spoken to her now.
What would you bees do in this situation? I try not to talk to him about it because I don’t want him thinking I’m possessive or annoying. Please help.