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I think you should wait for them to offer. It's really not their responsibility to pay and I don't think it's right to ask.
I disagree. I think it's fine to ask if they would like to contribute to things like the rehearsal dinner (which they should be paying for anyways), maybe the photography, etc.
I would have your fiance talk to them. He can say something along the lines of, "We are trying to get an idea of how much money we have to work with for the wedding; please don't take this as an expectation by any means, but would you be interested in contributing anything to the cost of the wedding?"
I agree that it is your fiance's responsibility to have that conversation. To soften the blow, maybe you can suggest something specifically for them to pay for ie. rehearsal dinner, engagement party or honeymoon. We knew my parents would be much more wiling than his, so we went to his mom with the suggestion of paying for the rehearsal dinner, much smaller expense but she can still feel that she played an integral role.
I agree, unless your FI has the option of asking them, it's not really your place.. maybe if done right you could possibly say something like, do you happen to know what you will be able to give us as a wedding present, we are working on our budget and it would be very helpful if we could have this information if you feel comfortable telling us early.
Say something like, "my parents, fi, and i are finalizing our budget and we're wondering if you were planning on contributing anything just so we can nail it all down. boy, a lot of planning is involved (laugh laugh)"
however, i personally refuse to ask for money. only only only if it is a genuine gift am i comfortable accepting it.
yeah...i agree with pp. Have FI bring it up to them. if theyre hesitant (since theyve already displayed their disagreement with this dream wedding), maybe have him suggest the specific items.
I think since you guys have already touched on the cost, you should step lightly when requesting money. Ive had a couple of friends in the same situation (her parents paying for dream wedding until their finances changed and his parents insisted they scale the entire affair back if the contribute).
In this recession, money conversations are not easy. Remember that neither sets of parents *have to* contribute anything so be gracious for any offer. Good luck!
I agree that your FI needs to bring it up with them, preferably without you present. It would be ideal if they would bring it up on their own, but in order for you guys to plan your wedding you need to know who is contributing what. Tell him to be careful how he asks though, not to act like you guys expect anything. But it's a perfectly legitimate question and you shouldn't feel bad about bringing it up.
personally i think your FI's parents have already told you that dont agree with spending all alot money so i wouldnt be asking them as i think its going to risk disappointment and possibly some ill feelings
its your dream to have the "perfect wedding", not theirs so dont be disappointed if they say no, especially as you had already told them that your parents will be paying for your dream wedding.
goodluck!
I actually disagree with the above. It's traditionally the brides responsibility to pay for the wedding expenses. Your future MIL has already indicated that she thinks it is a waste of money to throw a big wedding, so I don't think she will take kindly to be asked to help pay for this wedding.
I'm not trying to be harsh and I totally understand where you are coming from, but if you can't afford what you want, why not hold off, save some money and then have the wedding of your dreams 9 months or a year later? The DOW has been steadily rising, so your parent's investments have to be gaining money again (or at least be rising back up).
Since it is the bride's responsibility to pay traditionally and you had already indicated to her that even though she isn't thrilled with that kind of wedding, your parents would be paying for it... you shouldn't be asking her for money. It could put her in a very awkward position if she doesn't have the money and it may cause resentment towards you in the future.
If you really want to ask her to chip in, you can have your FI talk to her, but I still think its stepping over the line. If she doesn't offer, you shouldn't be asking.
Good luck - it sounds like a really tricky situation and I hope you are able to get what you want!
Your FI's parents have already made their views clear. It would be rude to ask them for money if they don't offer.
I agree with the others in asking about a contribution towards a rehearsal dinner, beings that's pretty standard for the groom's parents to do so. But anything else might be iffy considering traditionally it's the bride's family's responsibility to pay for the wedding.
Hi all! Thanks so much for all the insight... here are a few more things I forgot to mention...
They have offered to pay for rehearsal dinner, which we are very grateful for, and have mentioned possibly contributing a bit more (whether that be towards the honeymoon or something else). But they offered this a while back. And now that the budget is slowly being eaten up, and we're trying to figure out what we can and cannot still do, it would be the ideal time to discuss this. I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to talk about it. Can I get my FI to start the discussion with them, and then set up a parental meeting? He suggested we try and get both our sets of parents together to discuss it... but i'm not sure i'm comfortable putting my folks in the position to have to ask (hence getting him to talk to them first). How would you initiate the topic with his parents?
Well, since they sort of offered in the past I think that your FI should bring up their offer and ask how much or if they were planning on paying for a specific thing (like flowers)
I'd avoid the family meeting and I'd even recommend it being a conversation between just him and his parents, not you. I think money conversations are difficult and they would be most comfortable discussing it with their son.
I think it would be a really bad idea to set upa time where both sets of parents meet to discuss the wedding finances. That puts both sets of parents in an extremely awkward position. One, it makes your parents look as though they are trying to take handouts, which they clearly aren't (and I would imagine would be very embarassed to have to do) and two, it puts your future in-laws in the very uncomfortable position of having to pay for a wedding they think is already costing too much when it isn't even their responsibility to do so (above the rehersal dinner that is). I think that this type of situation would create a lot of resentment and unhappiness during the wedding planning.
I am going through similar issues right now with my family and FI's family in regards to their different traditions, etc and even though it isn't money related, I'm already seeing resentment building up, which is really hard to stomach.
I think that if you really do want to ask FI's family for more money, it should be something that FI does alone with his parents. That way they can respond candidly to him and not feel pressured or stonewalled. This also wouldn't make it seem like your parents are asking for handouts. I can't imagine a more embarassing situation for them as it sounds like they are already feeling terrible about having to go back on their offer to give you the wedding of your dreams because of the economy. I think putting them dead center would only make it worse.
Tradition aside, I think it's bad policy to start your marriage off by creating tension with your inlaws and future husband.
Your FMIL has made her opinion clear. It's not one that you agree with and that's fine. You aren't obligated to have a tiny wedding in deference to HER feelings. Likewise, she's not obligated to fund your big wedding simply because that's what YOU want.
I think your best bet is to either delay the event or adjust your expectations. In any event, this is your vision and your party, so what's stopping you from stepping up to take on the financial obligations of the multi-course sit-down dinner, letterpress invitations, designer gown, etc?
I agree...not a good idea for you and fi to set up a meeting with the parents to discuss money. Totally tacky (sorry for the bluntness). If they want to discuss finances/the wedding/etc. they should be the ones to initiate, not the people who are are asking for the money/party. I'm sorry, I just think it comes off as a little greedy. I know you have a dream for this wedding, but think about the advice you'd give if it were one of us posting for advice on this....
I'm on the same page as the others. Do not set up a meeting between the parents. That just has awkwardness and disaster written all over it. If you REALLY want his parents to contribute something, then ask your fiance to bring it up casually, and see where it goes from there.
Don't set up a mutual meeting. Get FI to discuss in greater detail... they should be understanding that you need to know what you have to work with, but let HIM discuss it with them... and let him tell you.
I understand defending your position on your dream wedding but is having an extravagant affair worth breaking your parents bank and causing tension with the future in-laws? You still get the guy ;-)
I think FMIL has already stated her position on the wedding. I think it would be rude to ask again. Also, to the poster who said, the grooms parents "should" pay for the rehearsal dinner, while that might have been somewhat more the norm way back when, it's certainly not something that "should" be expected.
My FI and I are paying for 100% of the costs by ourselves. We have not asked either set of parents for money nor will we. If they offer, fine, if not, no skin off our backs.
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So, when my fiance and I talked about wedding plans before we ever got engaged, it was obvious that we wanted that big, perfect wedding. My mom has always been very supportive of this, and has always said that she wants to give me the perfect wedding, and that she'd be happy to pay for it. When we talked about the size and cost of a possible wedding (again, before engagement) in front of his parents, his mom was appalled and thought it unnecessary to spend that much money on a wedding. But I always defended my position about a dream wedding, and said my folks would pay for it. Now that the planning is happening, my folks are going through slightly tough times due to investment troubles. I know they still want to pay for whole thing, but I would like to ask his parents to contribute.
Can I ask them, after all that's been talked about?? If so, how do I approach the subject?? Help!!!