Post # 1
Thanks for reading if you read the whole thing!
I like my inlaws…they’re good people. Future Mother-In-Law has always been very kind to me but i’ve realised over time, is quite bossy and often a little tactless. My problem is I love talking about my wedding and always make the mistake of opening my trap and giving away too much info. Now I need help with how to politely tell FFamIL to not be there on the morning of.
Basically I told FSIl yesterday that, as my flower girl, her daughter could come to the hairdresser with me the morning of. They could probably squeeze one more hair do in although they’ve already told me they can only just fit in the 4 people’s hair they’re already doing. Future Mother-In-Law asked me what I was doing after that and I explained that the venue has a little room where I’m going to finish getting ready so that my bridesmaid can supervise the tables being made up etc. Future Mother-In-Law then said ‘oh great…well *** (FSIL) can go with you to get her hair done too and then we can all go and get ready together at the venue…..’…well that means that there will be about 10 adults in a small room all getting dressed plus2 very young children.
I don’t want them there. I don’t want anyone but my immediate family seeing me in my dress before I walk down the aisle. I know that is quite mean but I just want my mum, 2 sisters and my b/m with me to get ready. I want to be relaxed with peace and quiet and I don’t want someone rushing around and taking over…and she will do this. I don’t want to be watching my p’s and q’s or having to listen to the kids make a racket.
I suppose i’m therefore asking 2 questions: am I mean to want them all excluded and if not, how on earth do I univite them to this bit of the day without offending them?
Any advice really welcome.
Post # 3
1) You didn’t invite them, they invited themselves.
2) You are not mean.
I would politely explain to her that there’s not enough room for everyone, and that you’d really like to spend the morning with your mom and sisters, but that you’re looking forward to taking photos with the whole family so you can properly catch up on the day. Stress how wouldn’t she rather be with her son helping him get ready, he really needs her you know 😉
Seriously. Give her a task (namely, helping the guys get ready). Make a big deal of it, make it important. Make it the biggest favour she’s ever done, helping you to keep those men on track for the day. I did this with my Mother-In-Law and it was perfect. I also had an aunt keep tabs on her (also kept the aunt out of my hair) and invited them both to have lunch with us, and then had the aunt whisk her off to do something else. It was perfect. She got to see me getting ready, she got to spend some time, and then she got to leave. Life saver.
ETA – I truly love my Mother-In-Law, I just felt like you do and I wanted to spend the time with my mom and sister, not with a parade of people staring at me.
Post # 4
The above advice is good. The only thing I would add is this: be prepared that no matter how well you phrase it, there is a good chance that it will cause drama. Do I think you are being mean? absolutley not. I have a well intentioned but overbearing Future Mother-In-Law myself and I TOTALLY get what you are saying. Unfortunately though you need to decide: is the 1 hour of peace you would get on your big day worth the weeks of drama that this could potentially cause if she feels slighted or excluded. That is a call that only you can make. Good luck
Post # 5
“ETA – I truly love my Mother-In-Law, I just felt like you do and I wanted to spend the time with my mom and sister, not with a parade of people staring at me.”
This is exactly it. I just want to be with my family and I don’t want people staring. I’m gonna speak honestly to Fiance, tell him that this is exactly how I feel and let him know that I’m sending his mum his way on the day. Thing is, her life revolves around her 2 grandchildren to the extent that she’ll want to make things easier for her daughter by letting them all get ready there for the day. Part of my annoyance is that, I want that room for me so I can go there for a quick breather or go there with Fiance when we want 5 monutes together after the ceremony. Not for everyone else to use as a dumping ground.
Thanks for the advice 🙂
She wouldn’t cause drama but she could easily take a huff and I want to avoid this if at all possible! Nonetheless, I think her being there will turn into it becoming all about their family (organising the 2 kids) and not about me and my family so I’m going to have to risk them getting annoyed….the room is too small! …I feel like a bitch even writing these things!
Post # 6
Can you ask your Fiance to invite her to get ready with them? I’m assuming that she will be escorted down the aisle by your husband or another family member. Maybe you can plan her taking pictures with her son during your getting ready time? Or maybe show her pictures of sons getting their bouts put on by their moms in professional photos?
Post # 7
Just spoke to him….he doesn’t want her there the morning of either!
Post # 8
@ticatica: Oh no. Darling Husband and I had a rule, whomever’s family it was had to deal with their drama, LOL! So when it came to getting his mom out of my way, Darling Husband had to deal with it, and I enlisted my aunt to help as well. Is there someone you can ask to help get your Future Mother-In-Law out of the way? For instance, my aunt met with her at the hotel (I was getting ready in a different hotel, genius plan since that meant travel between the two if anyone wanted to come find me), they caught up, had a coffee, checked on the guys, then aunt brought her to my hotel for a quick lunch and to have her hair done. We hugged, said nice things, it was lovely, then aunt whisked her off to get ready back at hotel A. It was perfect. She felt like she got meaningful time with me, I got to have the majority of the time with my BMs and mom.
Post # 9
Does your FH want her with him, as he is getting ready? We customarily do pre cermony pictures with the groom and his men, with his parents. The bride with hers. In that case she wouldn’t feel left out or excluded from all the fun pre wedding stuff.
Post # 10
I would tell her you talked to the venue coordinators/owners and they really don’t recommend more than X number of people (X conveniently being a number one or two less than the number of bridesmaids plus your family plus you), and so you’re really already pushing it just with your side of the wedding party, plus you’re worried about the two little kids getting antsy with nothing to keep them occupied at the venue for that long, so you’ve decided to keep the number of people getting ready there limited to you, your mother, your sister, and your bridesmaids. You, of course, are sure she’ll understand.
Any objections along the lines of “I’m sure we could just…” should be answered with “I’m sorry, it just won’t be possible.” Repeated again and again as many times as necessary.
And it’s not really your job to figure out where she can get ready. Presumably she’ll have a home or hotel room? She just needs to show up when you want her to show up.
Post # 11
yep, he’s going to have to man up. I tried to broach the subject with him again this evening over tea and he literally said …”hmmm”..then immediately changed the subject. So he’s clearly going to be less than useless.
The problem is that the hair starts at 9.30am, then we’re going to the venue for makeup around 11.30 and the ceremony starts at 1…I don’t have time to see her. Nor do I want everyone there in a small space while mum, sister and b/m are having make up done…I really don’t want to be stared at. I also don’t need everyone there while I’m getting my dress put on and there really is nowhere else for them to go if they’re not in the room.
TBH, i’m harbouring a bit of resentment because Fiance wanted them there for the whole day. However they are obsessed with their grandchildren and I have a feeling they want this room so that they can dump the kids’ stuff in it, use it to let them change their nappies in, have playtime in etc and it’s not there for that. They are also going to leave half way through the day so that they can take these kids home and put them to bed at their normal bedtime (venue is over an hour from their home) ….on the one day where I feel they should find an alternative for FI’s sake. It’s our day and I want it to be peaceful and for once, not about the kids.
If i were braver, i’d just be honest with her but i’m not.
Post # 12
Why don’t you (politely) tell her that you only want the bridal party and your parents in the room? Just be honest with her and let her know that you’ll already be nervous and you just want a couple of hours to spend with your family. If she still wants to get ready in the hotel, they can hire a room adjacent to you for $XXX.
She might be less willing to come if she needs to pay for a room especially if you think she’s just planning on using the hotel room as a dumping ground for things.
Post # 13
This would be a great idea if they werestaying in a hotel….but they want to come to the venue the morning of and go home later. They won’t be there the night of the wedding or the morning after. My mum has said we can leave them keys for our house and they can get ready there and they can leave their things there (it’s only 20 mins from the venue) but i’m just unsure how to tell her that, after having invited herself and her family to our venue, it’s not what I want to get ready with them.
I just spoke to Fiance about it again and he told me I need to grow a pair and just tell them what I want. But these people have always been good to me and I don’t want to be rude. It’s like how to tell them to not be the biggest part of my day without insulting them…
Post # 14
@ticatica: There is a way to strike a polite but firm tone about this with your FMIL/in-laws. It starts with your willingness to confront the issue with a calm smile. You are not excluding them from anything — they will still be important to you and a part of the wedding. It has already been made clear that they invited themselves to get ready with you, and that you did not invite them. So simply say something to this effect:
Dear Future Mother-In-Law,
I’m so excited to celebrate with you! I was thinking that an even better arrangement for you (and whomever else in-law related) would be to get ready at our house! I can provide you with the keys and it is only a short drive from the venue. You can even drop off your things there and use this space throughout the day for the grandchildren to play, etc. I feel strongly that this would work much better for everyone involved so that there will be plenty of room and comfort, and much better than a crowded room at the venue. Let me know when I can give you the keys and if there is anything I can have ready at the house for you.
This way, you don’t make it a debate. You make her feel important by opening with how excited you are, then you state what you need, you explain how great it is, then you state it again and why it is important to you. You close by furthering the idea in saying that in the future you will get the keys to her and even are thoughtful to have something at the house for your guests. Forward motion, momentum, polite, unstoppable. 😉 Get it?
Post # 15
@Cornflakegirl: Love that. Don’t end it with a ‘how does that sound?’ but an ‘I’ll be sure to get you the keys.’ It’s not an option, it’s the option. 🙂
OP- You don’t need to feel bad about this (and Fiance should sack up a bit, IMO, rather than putting it all on you). How hard is it for him to say “Mom, the room that ticatica and her bridal party are prepping in is rather small and wouldn’t be good with the kids and extra people there. Her parents have kindly opened their house for your and sis/bro/kids’ use. She’ll provide the keys at your morning hair appointment.” I’m a big fan of “if it’s your family, you handle it.” Saves a few hard feelings and awkward moments for the non-family SO.
Post # 16
Very dipolomatic and to the point @Cornflakegirl: & @indibee:. OP you are going to have just a grow a pair ;). If you don’t stand up for this now, this will be one of many other issues which will come up during the coming months. So nip this in the bud now. If your Future Mother-In-Law isn’t mature enough to deal with the perfectly rational and considerate option of using you parents home, then thats on HER. You have no control over her feelings so don’t try to take any responsiblity for it. And I do agree that you FH is passing the buck here.