Help with Invitation Etiquette Please!

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I ask for the invitations to be re-sent without my name, since I was not asked in advance to
    Yes : (3 votes)
    25 %
    No : (9 votes)
    75 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    42460 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    ringocat:  Certainly, they should not have mailed out invitations listing you as co-hosts without your consent. But, are you able to look at the big picture? Have you talked with your Dad abouut this commitment ceremony? Is he happy? Would he prefer that the children alll get along and present a unified public appearance? Have you spoken directly with the girlfriend’s daughter about your concerns?

    Post # 4
    Member
    1649 posts
    Bumble bee

    ringocat:  As you seem to be aware, hosting is a great deal more than just having your name on an invitation or just paying the bills for a party. The host is personally responsible for the safety, comfort and entertainment of the guests. Your name on an invitation is your personal guarantee of these things, and your social reputation is at stake as a result.

    And yet, sending out a new round of invitations that read:

    Miss Presumptuous Daughter

    announces that the commitment ceremony of

    Ms MotherOf Daughter

    and

    Mr Dad Cat

    will not be co-hosted by Mr and Mrs Ringo Cat

    would no doubt cause talk and embarrass your dad with the very public implication that you do not heartily support your dad’s new commitment. So you need a work-around.

    Call up Ms Daughter and say “I see we are co-hosting a party for our parents. When can I meet you to go over all of the arrangements and make sure they are up to my social standard? Since my name and reputation are being used for this event, it is important for me to know what is going on.” Insist on a meeting, take a notebook and calculator, and be very business-like about reviewing all the arrangements. If you like everything that you see, you can say at the end “well, this all looks very good: please let me know if there are any changes.” If you don’t like what you see, point out any of the sub-standard arrangements and get lots of practice repeating “yes, but since my name is on the invitations my social reputation is on the line, so we need to find some way to … (fix whatever is wrong). Include going over the guest list in detail: make sure that none of your dad’s close friends and relations are being snubbed, and that Uncle John who hasn’t had a kind word to say about Auntie Jane since she dumped him to marry Uncle Philistine, is not seated right next to Auntie Jane’s step-children.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1649 posts
    Bumble bee

    ringocat:  I am assuming that all three of you: you, wife, and future step-sister-in-law(?) are adults, not children. There is no rule in etiquette that permits an adult to use another adult’s name without permission.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1570 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would make certain they do not expect you to help pay for it!

    Post # 8
    Member
    6859 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Your wife is right. The daughter was presumptuous and rude to list you without your involvement or permission. That said, at 88 years of age, the bigger picture is your father’s happiness. Asking to remove your name is not out of line, but ask yourselves what bigger purpose it will serve in the end. No one from your side is invited, and undoubtedly they will know you had nothing to do with this event. 

    You can always give credit where credit is due on the day of the celebration.  Give a toast to the happy couple, and say none of you would be here without the daughter, who orchestrated, organized and planned the celebration!

    Post # 9
    Member
    6859 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    aspasia475:  Hypothetically you are  correct, but my concern is that this approach will only cause hard feelings. The other side may just say they  listed OP as a courtesy and take offense. I highly doubt that anyone that pushy will be receptive to being shown the error of their ways, however tactfully.

    It’s probably not worth it unless OP is prepared for a lot of unpleasantness.  The issue of guests from his side is something I would not hesitate to address if important to the father. My guess is she will want him to pay.

     

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