Help with Irrational Jealousy/Fears in Relationship!!!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I overreacting?
    Yes : (18 votes)
    90 %
    No : (2 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 2
    1321 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m not a jealous person per se, more on the territorial side so I understand somewhat how you feel.  (i.e. I don’t care if women find my man hot, but I really care about how HE behaves around them)   The best thing I can tell you is you need a professional who can help you control all of those negative thoughts that are like a running “tape” in your head.  If you don’t get a handle of your negative thoughts, than it can really spiral out of control and make you see/feel threats to your relationship that are not real and only an illusion — but to you it feels very real.

    I know what you mean about therapy being expensive, and quite honestly, having come from a psychology/therapy background myself a lot of the counselors out there are crap and it truly is a waste of money to go to them.  But if you can find someone who is uniquely qualified and experienced in all of the anxiety and fear you experience, than it can be truly life changing.  I highly recommend you check out “Conscious Transitions” — it is one of the BEST help that is out there for people with high anxiety especially when they are in a relationship.  Here is the website:

    I do not want to predict doom and gloom for your relationship, but if you don’t get a handle on this jealousy issue and your negative thoughts, it will destroy your relationship and any love your man has for you.  From your OP, it sounds like your BF truly loves you and even with his history with this girl, he is doing everything in his power to show you that there is nothing to fear and he is devoted to your relationship.  Good luck!  It sounds like overall you have a good man.


    Post # 3
    3637 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Girl, you need to get this under control NOW. Otherwise you WILL push him away. Just STOP. Don’t bring it up, the less you talk about it the less you will think about it. Really. The more you talk or think about something the more likely you are to continue thinking or talking about it. 

    Besides, she is SO like him why the hell would he want to actually date her? Can you imagine how stressful it would be to date someone in the military when you are already in the military. Plus she’s from the same tiny island – boooooring. The best part about dating is finding someone different from yourself so that you always have something to talk about. 

    If you can’t stop the behaviour this week – get some professional help to stop. It will ruin your wonderful relationship otherwise. 

    Post # 4
    527 posts
    Busy bee

    If she congratulated him on facebook, he should have replied “thank you” and that’s that. Then again, this is the reason I believe ex partners should not be your facebook friends. My personal belief.  Try to remember he chose you. Be confident. If he continues to put doubt in your mind, he’s the problem. It’s easy to delete or block an ex from facebook.

    Post # 5
    812 posts
    Busy bee

    This is beyond typical jealousy issues…. I would suggest you get some therapy. If you are in college, most colleges have a health facility which includes counseling. If not, look into different therapist and out of pocket costs. 

    Good luck!

    Post # 6
    1287 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    willow_1960:  You asked for tough love, so here it is, you are your own worst enemy right now, as far as the biggest reason for this relationship to blow up and end.  Since it sounds like you truly want to be this guy, then that outcome would be far worse for you…am I right?!

    Usually, if someone posts ‘I am jealou’, I would be the the first to write that often times, most times, jealousy is a valid emotion and one that we often push to the side because we are told we are being crazy (and NO one wants to be crazy!!!).

    In this case, based solely on what you post, you are being crazy!!!  And the jealousy you are feeling seems completely invalid.  First, you are worried about an ex whom lives far away, whom he has limited to no contact with, (and when he did, he TOLD YOU!) because you worry she was better for him than you are?!  Which is now making you feel jealous of her, someone whom is truthfully not even a threat.

    I understand you are scared of losing him, or of him cheating, or packing up to be with her, but at this point, you should fear more pushing him away.  WE ALL HAVE A PAST.  You have a past, of which I believe is haunting your relationship with him more than his past will even come close too right now!! How so?!  You are projecting past hurt from a guy that strung you along into this relationship, because you are expecting him to hurt you too.  Whereas, he is seemingly not over-communicating, or seeing an ex of his, etc, which is an issue you are creating, of which does not exist.

    Somehow, some way, you have to forgive your past. You have to see that he is a new man, and give him the opportunity to be the man you want in a relationship.  A man who is trusting, kind, compassionate, etc.  And then, you have to let those emotions override your fears of cheating, or lying.  Could he go back to Guam, and run into her?!  Sure, absolutely.  I would assume he would tell if he did, but that does not mean that he jumped into bed with her, or will leave you for her, and telling yourself that because you trust him is going to get you much further!

    I applaude you vocalizing fears, and concerns with him, but you have to stop, because the answers and more so his actions are going unchanged.  I know it is hard to have insecurities, but he cannot make those go away for you.  YOU need to find a way to value YOURSELF, of which will help a lot as well.  Good luck!!

    Post # 7
    1202 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    1) I would have been jealous, too.  It wasn’t necessary for him to message a lady he thinks is hot.  But he showed you the messages and you should trust him.

    2) I think you just need to remember how amazing you are.  Go to the gym, spend time with friends, read books, volunteer, be nice to others, join a class, develop a hobby.  When you’re more happy with yourself and who you are, you’ll be more happy in a relationship.  Your SO should be giving you lots of validation, but you shouldn’t need to rely on it.                 

    Post # 8
    2182 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I agree with all PPs, from what you describe the reason why your relationship could explode in your face at some point won’t be because HE thinks that “the one that got away” is better/prettier/more fit/has more in common w him, it’ll be because YOUR irrational jealousy drives him crazy. And I actually think that you know this on some level, but you still need to hear it and say it again to yourself until it clicks for you.

    Ok, I know you knew that. Here comes what’ll probably be new to you: the way we defend ourselves (1) is very aggressive to others (2) and ultimately we create the worst possible outcome (3). What, you ask, does that mean? 

    1. How you “defend” yourself. Because that other guy dragged you along for 2 years, because of how you were raised, blah blah blah…all of your past experiences with men and women have led you to believe that women are in this great “competition” where the prettiest/fittest/most attractive to the guy wins. And they’ve also led you to not trust your feelings of love, let alone the other person’s feelings of love. In order to protect yourself from being hurt again you’ve decided to not trust ANYONE. Or, if you decide to trust someone you will continuously examine, interrogate, question, poke, prod and disbelieve them when they profess love for you. That’s how you’re defending yourself – by not believing and trusting what he says and the character that you yourself have ascertained he has. Makes sense?

    2. Is very aggressive to others. Every time you make him show you his FB, remind him of his ex (yes! Maybe he rarely ever though about her but now thanks to you he’ll think about her more.), question his love/trust, make him reassure you…you’re placing the burden of YOUR issues on HIM. You’re also telling him “no matter what you do I won’t believe you.” Also, “no matter how you try to prove that you’re different than the jerk I was with before I refuse to believe you!” Also, “obviously you’re stupid cuz even I can see that the other woman is better suited for you.” In short you are not seeing HIM, you only see what YOUR greatest fears, insecurities, past issues come to life. By not seeing HIM, you are chipping away at the possibility of making HIM feel loved. By only seeing your issues and not him you are destroying the possibility of him feeling appreciated, honored, cherished and loved. 

    3. Ultimately, if your behavior remains the same, you will create the worst possible outcome. Eventually (who knows if in two weeks, months, years) he will be tired of having to prove himself to you. He’ll start noticing confident women around him who look so sexy cuz they don’t really care about some woman from Guam they don’t even know (hint: you don’t either. Act like it.). Eventually he’ll realize he wants someone to love HIM and to trust HIM. The end. The worst part is you’ll STILL think to yourself, unless you wake up, that he broke up with you because he realized what you’d known this whole time that someone out there was better for him than you could ever be.

    Still with me? If you are I applaud you cuz this is getting to be a whole lot longer now than I thought it would be.

    In short, get your head out of your a$$ before he does in effect realize he wants a woman with a head on her shoulders. Bask in the love that a good man has for you. If it blows up in your face you’ll get up and love again.

    Post # 12
    5808 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    willow_1960:  The first thing you have to realize is this is 100% not about her or their past relationship. This is 100% about you and your feelings about yourself. You will never get over this if you make it about how he feels about her. (Because once you get over ‘her’, there will be a cute girl at work or a neighbor that flirts with him, etc). You need to read up on CBT techniques.

    This is what i would do…when you start obsessing about her, tell yourself “this isn’t about her, this is about how I feel about myslef”. Say that over and over again. Then explore, what is your mind trying to tell you…”I don’t feel go about myself. I’m not pretty enough. He doesn’t really love me” Really dig down to find out what the *real* fear is. 

    In my experience it usually boils down to…”he is going to leave me (and if I’m man-free it’s a sign that something is horribly wrong with me and I’ll be rejected and alone forever), my heart will shatter into a million little pieces and I’ll never, ever survive.”

    Find ways to get to the root of the problem and solve that. Do things to prove to yourself that you are strong and even if he left you, you would be okay. Get a good education, make sure you have a good job and save some money on the side, have a social life and friends that dont revolve around him. The worst thing you can do is tie up your entire self-identity to this one man. Once you feel strong and confident that you can stand on your own two feet, that confidence will only make the relationship stronger.

    Then you wont have these stray worries that someone is going to take him away. Because…

    1) confidence is sexy. No man ever (except for ones who are trying to manipulate or use you) has love a woman because she is insecure. But men love women who know their own worth and demand that a man treats them with respect.

    2)once you are confident and strong, you know that even if he does lease, you’ll survive and trust that something better will come along. You don’t have that deparate need to keep him at all costs (which again leads to being sexier in his eyes)

    Post # 13
    4827 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

    I would recommend working your your self-worth and confidence before you contiue in this relationship. Negative self-talk and jealousy are not healthy for relationships, but can be worked on!

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