Post # 1
I’m still undecided on what to do with my last name (S) once we get married. I have always sort of leaned towards the idea of hyphenating mylastname-hislastname and socially using hislastname. Its important to me that we have some sort of common name (mostly for future children).
Here’s the problem. The boy already has a hyphenated last name(K-B)! The first name in his hyphen (K) is from an adoptive father who exited his life many years ago (before he was a teenager). This name has been with him since he was quite young and is the name that most of his friends know him by, but not a name he wants to pass on. He didn’t add the second name in the hyphen (B) until just recently (about 5 years ago, when he was about 30 years old). The second name (B) is his mother’s maiden name and more importantly his grandfather’s name (his grandfather and he are very close and his grandfather was the only stable male figure in life since his mom married 3 times before he was a teenager).
So, here is my dilemma. He wants me to take either his hyphenated last name (K-B) or his second last name (B, the family name). I’m not fond of taking his hyphenated name. If I’m going to go through the trouble of having a hyphenated name, one of the names ought to be my own! So that leaves me with either taking his second last name (B) only. So we would have a common name and that would be the name we would pass on to our children, but we would not have matching last names (he will still be hyphenated). Or hyphenating mylastname-hissecondlastname (S-B).
However, either of these options will likely mean that I will be refered to as Mrs hisFIRSTlast name (K) as that is how all of his friends know him (all cards and invites come addressed to his firstlastname (K), the one from the adoptive father who walked out).
I’m sure this is confusing, it took me a while to get a grip on it all too!! Basically, I can either keep my last name (S), take his hyphenated name (K-B), or use his second last name (B, the family name) and forever be called by the wrong last name (K, his first last name, the adoptive father’s name).
Anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any advice on what to do? Do I just get over it and use his secondlastname (B) so that we have a family name and not care when people call me his other last name (K)? Any and all input is welcome!! Please help!
Also, how does this legally work? Can I seriously pick whichever name or part of name I want?
Post # 3
Exactly the reason why I hate hyphenated names… it just gets way to complicated. I honestly would just keep your maiden name and name your kids with your last name. But thats just me.
Post # 4
Legally, the impression I got when filling out name change forms is that you can pick whatever name you want, as long as you fill the forms out. If you wanted to be known as Miss Smileybottom, you can, (think of Chad Ochocinco, which means 85, his football jersey number).
If friends call you by the wrong last name, be it B or K-B or S-B, POLITELY correct them, (I say politely because my aunt decided to keep her maiden name, and the first time she was referred to as Mrs. HisLastName, she went OFF! YIKES!).
Also, why doesn’t he change HIS last name to just B? My husband’s friend was known as R for the first couple years DH knew him, then he changed his last name to K. Apparently his father had left years before and they had no contact with him, so when his mom decided to change her name back to her maiden name, he took that name. It seems like it would be a lot easier, once the initial confusion over the change passed. But then, like the PP, I am not a fan of hypenated names, (unless both names are very short names).
Post # 5
Will he consider dropping his first last name? He is also allowed to change his name at Social Security due to marriage. Why doesn’t he drop the name of the father that walked out since it means nothing to him, and then you can hyphenate it the way you want? Like S-B?
I feel like he needs to compromise in this too!
Post # 6
My friend who married Mr. K-B (to use your FI’s initials) chose to become Mrs. B. In your case, I voted for Ms. S-B, since it sounds like you want to keep your name and add his.
Legally, my state has certain limitations on what name you can adopt through marriage, but any of the options you are considering would be permitted.
Post # 7
I would go with Mrs. B or Mrs. S-B in your situtation. Even though friends might call you by the wrong last name, I’d almost put that in the same boat as being called Mrs. nickname. I’m sure his friends had a hard time trying to change what they called him and just decided to stick with what they’ve always used. I have lots of girl friends that I refuse to call by their married name because I’ve always referred to them as first name last name and I’ve given up trying to make the change.
Post # 8
We’re in the exact same situation. I won’t actually be changing my name when we get married as we live in a province that doesn’t allow for name changes after marriage, but after we’ve moved, I’ll likely look into hyphenating.
Our plan is for me to hyphenate MyLast-HisSecondLast (so, for you, S-B). My daughter has my last name; if she chooses, she can add his second last name to hers, giving her the same hyphenated name as mine. Future children will have my last and his second last. So me and all children (if my daughter chooses to change hers) will have the same hyphenated last name, while he will have a different hyphenated last name. We’ll all share the second last name though. To complicated matters, my last is English, both his last are French. Not an ideal mix but we’re working with what we’ve got 🙂
(This is not without stress in our case as it means our kids sharing his father’s last name, which I think might be a little hurtful to his mother who is most involved in all our lives – but given that your FI added his second last name in order to share with his grandfather, it seems like hurt feelings would be avoided on things like that).
Post # 9
Personally, I would take his family last name.
I also think it’d be nice if he changed his last name to just B also. It would be simple, especially if/when children come into the picture.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Yes– you really can pick any name you want, it doesn’t have to be a combination of the options in some states– most require it, but there are a few that let you change it to anything you want.
Post # 11
Why don’t you drop your middle name, take your last name as your middle, and use his second last name as your last name. Basically Mrs. FirstName MaidenName BLastName. Or you could take your maiden as a second middle name. It sounds like you want to keep your maiden name and this would be easier than hyphenating. Also, I’d ask him to drop his first last name since he doesn’t have a connection to it. Plus hyphenated names can get confusing!
Post # 12
I personally do not like Hyphenated names but I still want to keep my last name so I am moving it to my middle name =)
Post # 13
man, i feel for you! i am really struggling with my name change decision and there are considerably less options to choose from!
i agree with PPs who have suggested that this is a great time for you to both make a change. if he doesnt want to be associated with K anyway, i think it would be silly to perpetuate that name in your new family. I like S-B if you want to hyphentate nd he can just be B, or if you want to just keep your maiden around, thet middle name option seems to be pretty popular these days!
Post # 14
I would take his family name (B) and have him drop the K name to just be Mr. B.
Post # 15
Man, this is confusing! Good luck with it!
Post # 16
My best guy friend in college years straight up changed his last name from S to B and skipped the hyphenation, for similar dad reasons.